Please can you give me some perspective on this?

[hugebiguglymess]

I name changed for this as I don't want any of the details of my current situation to change what people think about the latest development.

Last night my husband and I had a silly row. It wasn't over anything important and we probably could have both responded better to it. He left the room and I carried on doing what I was doing. About 5 or 10 minutes later I went into the kitchen where he was and he was putting his phone back in his pocket. He then said 'I am very calm as I am ending it. I can't do this anymore. I have text your parents to let them know'.

I feel lots of things about this, but mainly that it was entirely inappropriate to inform my parents of this before me. Am I being over sensitive? Is this actually no big deal?

it's not the multiple postings, it's the posting under name changes without background/context that makes it look as if you are looking for just one person to say "that sounds alright to me"

it's not alright...it is abuse, and it is getting worse

Have you spoken to a professional about all of this? Your doctor, or Women's Aid?

He is very dangerous for you and your mental wellbeing....

Please tell someone in Rl

I suppose I am looking for someone to say it's ok as I think it must be me that is being unreasonable or got the wrong end of the stick somehow.

I have been in therapy for quite a while now, which believe it or not has been really helpful. I wouldn't have even made it this far without. I also spoke to WA once who were also very helpful. It is still very hard to accept that I have ended go here.

It's not you. Is your therapist wrong, Women's Aid wrong, all these ordinary women of MN...are they wrong ?

He is wrong There is something very awry with his make up and his thought processes. The best thing you could do is to extricate yourself from it.

Ended up here mean

You are not being unreasonable. You must get out of this relationship!

I know that the reality must be so hard to face though, and it is easier to look for excuses for his behaviour or even to blame yourself but you must try and break out of this cycle.

I do see that now, but somehow it's still not that easy to do. But i am trying.

OK, I understand it is not easy, I have done it. How are you trying? What things have you done to get closer to leaving?

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, I know it must be very hard.

I have told him I think a trial separation would be a good idea. I'm terrified of going it alone and was worried about ruining Christmas for the children so it got put on hold. I tried to get legal advice from a company offering a free initial conversation but she didn't really tell me anything so I know I need to re-visit that. And I have been trying to get my head into the right space to believe that I can actually cope by myself. I know that doesn't sound like much, it is just such a frightening prospect.

there will always be a xmas, a birthday, a school event, a family illness, the opening of an envelope to make it easier to justify staying to yourself

all it does is keep you there, in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) for longer, and subject to his mindfucking ways

Very true. I just want my babies to come out of this ok. They adore him.

They can still adore him when you are not in a couple relationship with him.

I don't suppose that there will ever be a 'good time' to split up though. I'm sure your children will be happy if you are happy so, even if things are not easy in the short term, it will be worth it. You will cope.

Don't feel guilty - this is not your fault. His behaviour is awful, completely and utterly awful and (at least from my perspective) he has left you with no option but to get out.

I don't want them to hate me for making him leave.

Children are very resilient and adaptable. They will be fine. As will you.

I believe very strongly your children will thank you for leaving him. I had an EA father and I wish my parents had split while I was still young enough to have a childhood without his ridiculous behaviour. It was extremely damaging to grow up with - don't underestimate how perceptive children can be about what's really going on.

You're not making him leave! HIS behaviour has made it impossible for you to let him stay!

as an ex-child who grew up in a household where there was spousal abuse, I wish my mother had left my father

she never did, and now I have very little contact with either of them

it was clear to me from a very young age that she made her choice to the detriment of her children who grew up witnessing stuff they should have had to witness

she out her relationship with a man before the emotional welfare of her children

don't be that woman

never have had to witness

put

Snowflake many years ago I was in a similar position to you, I was in an abusive relationship, my husband was emotionally abusive but did also rape me. Part of his method of control was to tell my parents things before I could both good and bad it stopped me being able to talk things through with them.

I left many years ago and have never looked back, my children were also better off long term without that atmosphere around them.

You need to get out of this relationship.

Kicking him out now is the best Christmas present you can give your children. They don't need to witness this arsewipe destroying you.

Snowflake my cheating ex also contacted my patents telling them everything was my fault and that I am clearly unstable and that he believes I had bipolar. Luckily for me I have supportive patents who saw him for the abusive, callus control freak that he was. I too couldn't see a way out. I knew ha the was doing was wrong yet I always felt I did something to make him react like that and it was always my fault. My family helped me get away from him I fought tooth and nail to get away from him. I've come out a lot better.

He is now married to the woman he was cheating on me with. I had a doc and he has nothing to do with my child which suits me down to the ground. He also tried taking me to court, lying he wasn't working the list is endless. When my child is old enough I will them the court papers the emails the lies upon lies that he did and the final nail in the coffin? When he decided he wanted nothing to do with doc and wrote that in a letter to court. Your children will be better off not living in a toxic relationship which is what I was going to out my child through.

Do something for yourself and your kids. Text his family. Tell them their rapist son can come and stay with them as you are no longer going to put up with his vile abuse behaviour. You really need to pull yourself together regardless if you don't feel like you have the energy to do it. You must do it. It's never going to get better. He will never ever change. He controls you and you're allowing it. You're not a robot. You were not put on this earth to be owed by someone. Feel free to pm of you need anything. I have been here and it was he'll, but once it's done, it's done and you will feel like you've wasted years on an arsehole and now you're going to sort it out.