Please can you give me some perspective on this?

[hugebiguglymess]

I name changed for this as I don't want any of the details of my current situation to change what people think about the latest development.

Last night my husband and I had a silly row. It wasn't over anything important and we probably could have both responded better to it. He left the room and I carried on doing what I was doing. About 5 or 10 minutes later I went into the kitchen where he was and he was putting his phone back in his pocket. He then said 'I am very calm as I am ending it. I can't do this anymore. I have text your parents to let them know'.

I feel lots of things about this, but mainly that it was entirely inappropriate to inform my parents of this before me. Am I being over sensitive? Is this actually no big deal?

The only answer to 'it is over' is 'at long last'.

Are you really going to just roll over and let him continue to abuse you?

No, not intentionally anyway.

The only person keeping you there is you. He told you the other day it was over. He informed your parents of said fact.

There was your exit.

He didn't actually mean it though. He didn't leave. He is desperate for me not to end it but I have told him I would like a trial separation.

You have no idea what he means and what he doesn't. He is fucking with you.

Somebody "desperate for you not to end it" would not treat you like he does

he enjoys watching you dance for him. He's enjoying it right now.

This guy is a motherfucker.

I think you CAN tell when he's being abusive and behaving unacceptably but you won't LET yourself. Give yourself permission to see his behaviour for what it is, OP. You're allowed to recognise it for what it is and your life would be happier if you would.

It sounds to me like he massively cares what your parents think so he is trying to save face by getting the first word in with them before you do. But they are YOUR parents so they will obviously take your side anyway. He sounds manipulative. If you want it to end is there any way YOU could leave or is that not possible? Just thinking it could help you regain some control and self confidence.

Oh FFS, op. He said it, but he doesn't mean it? Oh that's ok then, he is just fucking about, with your relationship. Now what?

End it for him.

He didn't actually mean it though.

Who cares? Get out whilst you can.

"Goodnight Vienna Fuckwit"

My quote de jour

You don't need his permission to separate.

Get some real life support (women's aid if not family or friends) and tell him not what you'd like (suggesting up for negotiation), but what is happening (separating).

Wouldn't it be fair to say you loved the man you thought he was. Not the man who raped you, manipulates you and fucks with your head.

Yes, that is fair to say. But I still want to love him. Which I know sounds stupid. And in some way I think I think I still do, we have been together so long I don't know anything other than being with him.

I have told him. I have tried to be as nice as possible but it hasn't gone very well.

Of course you 'want' to love him - we (women) are programmed to love anything that comes into our orbit; kittens, kids, elderly neighbours, we want to help and look after everything.

That does not mean he is worthy of your love, or even that he wants it. Love yourself more, love your dc; they need it. He does not.