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Original poster

What would your DH do if you were awarded a First Class Degree?

136 replies

actionsspeaklouder · 05/11/2014 17:23

Exactly that really. I'm new here, but long time lurker.

I have worked really hard for this degree(OU) over 4 years, PT work and looking after 2 children with little help/support from DP who has a very 'busy' job. I'm so proud of myself.

Him, not even a card. He has said 'Well done'. But that's it. He didn't even want to help me revise for my last exam - he was too tired. That really upset me.

So, what would your DHs say/do? Do I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
glidingpig · 06/11/2014 11:36

I suspect my DH wouldn't think to take me out or get a card - it might occur to him to bring me flowers if he was making a supermarket run. I'd probably suggest going out for a meal, and then he'd think it was a good idea, but he wouldn't come up with it himself.

But that's fine, because he's so supportive of me on a daily basis. He thinks it's great for me to study (am OUing at the moment), listens to me rabbit on about the course, asks for my tutorial dates at the start of term and makes sure he's around to do childcare without any prompting, dropping social events of his own if needs be. Any time I express interest in a hobby, even, he'll be off finding out about it and getting me interesting books out of the library. I'm meant to be doing Nanowrimo at the moment and he's printed out a calendar of the month to put on the wall so that he can record the pathetic number of words I've written each day. He shows every day that he thinks my interests and achievements matter.

It doesn't so much matter how they show their support, but they've got to show it somehow.

Bloody well done on the first, by the way.

Dirtybadger · 06/11/2014 12:03

Congratulations OP! I concur with other people- treat yourself if he won't. Don't let it pass by as if it was no big deal.

I wouldn't necessarily say he's a cock for not taking you out or buying you gifts but I think I would expect a very sincere well done (a bit more than average affection/physical attention/a few extra cups of tea with biscuits?) and a "would you like to do something to celebrate?". He can show his pride without going overboard. I would feel disappointed with his response and the other info you've given makes him sound like a cock.

I don't have a dp but a FWB I have is closeish to finishing their PhD and when they do I would definitely not let it pass by! I would buy a friend a card, at least (or go out for lunch or something to celebrate). It's not just celebrating your achievements, but looking forward to the next step and the opportunities the qualification might provide! It's exciting. Or should be. And a relief- isn't he happy to get his dw back, less busy, able to spend more time together? Hmm.

My exdp was a dick about my HND work whilst we were together. No recognition of how well I did. It was (I think) because he had a degree already (2:2 so nothing crazy fantastic). I think his sexist/traditionalist views got in the way of seeing me as equally capable and deserving of recognition in my achievements/education. Does your dh have quite traditional ideals (even if only "deep down") about women's capabilities/place?

ChelsyHandy · 06/11/2014 12:06

Some people just don't buy presents and cards for anything other than birthdays and Christmas (if that). So it wouldn't necessarily bother me. What would bother me would be negative comments or a genuinely negative attitude. Has he supported you in other ways through doing it, e.g. financially? If so, maybe he sees that as enough. Going out to work every day is also an achievement. To me, doing a degree is more of a personal thing than a family thing.

Re the revision thing - personally, I cannot think of anything worse than having someone else revise with you, particularly someone who isn't even on your course - in fact, isn't that something you would have arranged if it was so important to you?

glidingpig · 06/11/2014 12:18

To me, doing a degree is more of a personal thing than a family thing.

Yeah, but surely when you're in a close relationship with someone you care about what they're up to even if it doesn't directly benefit you?? It doesn't have to be a family thing.

Original poster
actionsspeaklouder · 06/11/2014 12:31

ChelsyHandy - we are all different in how we revise. I'm not sure what you mean by if it was important to me I should have arranged it. I did arrange it. I asked him previously if he would help with some aspect of my revision. He said yes. When it came to it he was too tired. He didn't need to understand the revision -although it wasn't rocket science - basic essential simple key facts that I had written down, that he either needed to prompt or say yes/no. And yes, of course he has supported me financially. We are married. And I still work and look after the children and organise everything for the house and our lives. But you are right, he possibly did see it as enough support in itself.

Dirtybadger - deep down, yes I do think he has very traditional views about a woman's role, although when asked, will deny it. His upbringing was traditional def. So I think there are ingrained attitudes. He needs to be enlightened!

glidingpig - exactly. If he had supported me half as much as your DH, a non- card would not have been an issue. To me however, it has compounded the situation.

ravenmum - you have made some very valid points. I do think he is resentful of me. He is rubbish at talking. Changes the subject, tries to make jokes (used to be endearing, now makes me want to scream), wants to brush everything under the carpet, to forget it. He doesn't show his emotions well. All these things, again, I believe are deeply ingrained from his childhood.

I need to try talking to him again. I realise all this resentment is so destructive and needs to be aired.

Many thanks for all your input

OP posts:
pombearsforbrunch · 06/11/2014 14:48

When I got my Masters recently, while working FT, my husband said 'thank goodness - that cost a fortune'. I wasn't really expecting him to do anything else, but I did treat myself! You can only really depend on yourself, sometimes.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/11/2014 16:29

First of all OP a very big congratulations. Wow! What an achievement! A first is impressive any time but with a job and kids as well it is very very impressive indeed! Grin

No, you are not overreacting. You are under reacting im ny opinion.

Men who don't like clever women. Who feel undermined and emasculated by them are, in my experience, not very nice men at all.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/11/2014 16:30

And in answer to your question DP would be straight round with a massive bottle of fizz and be utterly delighted for me. Your DH souds very ungracious and mean spirited I'm afraid

tobysmum77 · 06/11/2014 16:34

maybe he's waiting for graduation? tbh I don't remember champagne and chocolates for my masters degree. I went out for a nice meal but my parents came as well I think.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/11/2014 16:36

I'm unlikely to find out but maybe buy a bottle of champagne to celebrate. At least a big "Well done love" and flowers or something.

Congratulations OP Flowers

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves · 06/11/2014 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 06/11/2014 19:30

Congratulations OP! Juggling work, study and parenthood is no mean feat. I hope you are really proud of your achievements.

I wouldn't expect a card from dh (we're not very much into cards) but probably either champagne or very nice wine, maybe a meal out. The most important thing for me is he would be absolutely chuffed to bits and he'd definitely go round embarrassing me telling everyone how proud he was.

CurlyMango · 12/11/2014 20:41

When I got my masters degree with distinction, I got a well done. I did not expect anything else. Now I'm thinking of it, it would have been really nice to have a card.

saintsandpoets · 12/11/2014 20:42

Who wants to help another person revise? Its horrible enough when you are doing it for your own gain. Fuck anybody else's exams.

Frogisatwat · 12/11/2014 21:22

Aww saints.. how nice! Hmm

BitOutOfPractice · 12/11/2014 21:23

What a lovely sentiment.

Happymum1985 · 12/11/2014 21:27

welldone!!!! Amazing acheivement!!! Does he feel inadequete? Bit jealous?? I think you should tell him how you feel. Youre perfectly justified in feeling a bit deflated xx

ChillySundays · 12/11/2014 21:37

Haven't got a degree but know I would get a well done and a meal out. Not necessarily a posh place as we always celebrate anything with the DC so have to think of cost.

OP - a big bloody well done!!! To get a first is brilliant and to do it with a job and children is even more brilliant.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 12/11/2014 22:20

This is really interesting. I am half way through my degree and its never occurred to me that its that big a deal to anyone else, or that I should be Confused Its a massive deal to me because I love my subject and always have but I assume most people will find it boring so I don't expect any interest in it. I wouldn't know how to help someone revise, so I wouldn't expect that either, its just one of those things you need to be left to get on with isn't it?

My DH is lovely, thoughtful, and supportive of me doing it, but I wouldn't expect more than 'well done' at the end.

Can i ask... do mature student go to graduations? I thought that was really a party for the younger ones more than anything. My sis thinks I am mad not to go to mine but she did hers in her mid twenties, single... so it was a big party with friends. I will be mid thirties and married with four kids...

saintsandpoets · 12/11/2014 22:35

Can i ask... do mature student go to graduations?

Yes. I've been to all 3 of mine, family in tow.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/11/2014 08:50

BabyDubs... I went to my first one (as a mature student) because my mum insisted. I would have been quite happy to get my degree in absentia. The second one I refused to go to. They're horribly boring (in my opinion). I went to my mother's graduation and smiled and clapped and took her out for lunch; she was very proud and loved it all.

It's just not my thing. Some people like pomp and ceremony, some don't. I don't. Like you, I was interested in my subject and that was the reason for doing the degree.

glidingpig · 13/11/2014 11:24

Who wants to help another person revise? Its horrible enough when you are doing it for your own gain. Fuck anybody else's exams.

Bloody glad I'm not married to you!

MioMoo · 13/11/2014 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirRaymondClench · 13/11/2014 12:25

To have done an OU degree over 4 years takes some doing! I am in absolute awe of you OP.
To have worked as well and raised two children is incredible!
Thanks
You must be so proud of that, it's such an accomplishment.
I would ditch the 'D'H though, if he can't be proud of you and support you, he doesn't deserve you.

Neverknowingly · 13/11/2014 15:11

I'm not sure my DH would do much. certainly no card but then I hate cards. He would be proud and I would know he was proud but he probably wouldn't mark the occassion as such. Neither would I in the reverse scenario. Perhaps a quick toast to less study more housework in future! But that is us - we don't do cards or "mark" occassions as such. You clearly want that and your need is not met by your DH and these things are rarely one offs once they start getting to you.