What would your DH do if you were awarded a First Class Degree?

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Exactly that really. I'm new here, but long time lurker.

I have worked really hard for this degree(OU) over 4 years, PT work and looking after 2 children with little help/support from DP who has a very 'busy' job. I'm so proud of myself.

Him, not even a card. He has said 'Well done'. But that's it. He didn't even want to help me revise for my last exam - he was too tired. That really upset me.

So, what would your DHs say/do? Do I need to get a grip?

DP congratulated me but didn't get me a card or anything else either, but was very very proud of me and I think told pretty much everyone he knew (to my utter horror! ).

He did buy me a gift for my graduation.

With anything as big as this DH would be suggesting a meal out and serious fizz.

My X was so jealous when I got a first. He got very pissed and maudlin at the supposedly celebratory dinner after Fuckwit!!

Many congratulations. I did not have kids when I did mine - your achievement is fantastic

When is your Degree Ceremony OP? Maybe he is planning on doing something special to mark the occasion with you.

Distance learning study is not easy. Takes a lot of hard work and dedication. Tougher than study on campus. You should be very proud. Your dp should be very proud. Your kids should be very proud

Seriously OP, organise your own celebration and let him participate incidentally. Invite him but don't make him central to it.

You have worked very hard and now is the time to pause and take pride and joy in your achievement. Don't let the CT take anything away from that.

And congratulations!

Congratulations!

Mine talked me out of attending my graduation ceremony on the grounds it was elitist (I was young...).

Do whatever feels appropriate to celebrate - but if you're anything like me the real 'gift' will be the lasting boost to personal confidence.

Congratulations, what a fab achievement!!!

When I got my MA (distinction, I think they made a mistake! my DP didn't make a huge fuss. He did say well done, buy a bottle of champagne and we got a takeaway to celebrate. He also told everyone how well I'd done.

I had celebration drinks with some girls off my course and DP stayed in with the baby !

Think you need to tell your DH how you are feeling about this (and his general lack of support to you).

x 1000 for you!

I recently achieved something that meant a lot to me and my DP took me out to a Michelin starred place. And he tells everyone we meet who doesn't know about this achievement of mine

Congratulations !

It is a huge achievement, especially when you have juggled; working & family commitments - a HUGE well done !

I hope that you can put your qualification to immediate positive use & opportunity for yourself and your family

Try to build on your positive achievement and ignore the negatives, your degree should open doors

However

Just a couple of thoughts from the other side

perhaps your partner "expected you to pass" ?
perhaps your partner is glad that it is the end of your course ?
what would you do if your husband now asked for 4 years to complete a course or hobby ?
perhaps your partner does not understand the effort that is has taken for you to complete each stage of the course & finally pass ?

Goodluck

Dh would want to celebrate. Ex husband would fabricate a "better" degree probably with followvup Masters for himself. He is ex for very good reason!

I think Fluffapuss has made some very good points when she refers to thoughts from the other side.

Its not great, I know.

That said, many many congratulations from me on your fantastic achievement.

I'd get congratulations and it would be mentioned often as 'check out the big brains on Plump!'. No dinners/flowers/nights away though - wouldn't be expected, although welcome!

My ex had a similar response in such situations, e.g. when I got good marks in an exam that would allow me to change careers. I wasn't expecting anything more, though. I don't come from a family that does big celebrations or big responses, and he comes from a family that belittle everything you do.

Since we split up I've thought about this, and I think we were both secretly hoping for praise from one another, but neither of us good at either giving praise or doing anything that might show we needed it. I didn't give him the praise he wanted about his job, for instance, as I saw his employers as exploitative, paying him little while making him do ridiculous hours, so he had no time for his family. He wanted me to see it as an impressive career and express amazement. How much praise do you give your partner? Are you upset because you feel it's not equal?

I only managed a 2:1 but dh (who had a first) was so proud and happy for me. He told everyone, took me out for a meal and bought me a book I had been wanting. He was ill with MS at the time. I did the degree part time while teaching and caring for two dc who were 1 and 5 when I started. The degree meant I could progress up the teaching pay scale and we knew I would eventually be the bread winner. (In fact dh died while still working)

He would:

Collapse in a big heap with shock.

Ask me when I was going job hunting.

Then he would give me the biggest hug ever, quite possibly a huge bunch of flowers and a meal out to celebrate. A card would be debatable because I'm not a big fan.

You should be massively proud of yourself and I'm so sorry that your husband has let you down. The swine.

Very well done you ! . hey maybe we need a champagne icon thingie with moving bubbles just for this sort of event
I always think someone who has studied through the OU to get any level of degree whilst raising a family / working shows a very high level of commitment.
My DP would definitely be there with the champagne and the bragging rights - in fact he did when I got my MA (pass only)

Congratulations OP! Fantastic achievement!

I'm studying at the moment (2nd year), I recently got an excellent grade in a horrible exam I'd convinced myself I'd failed (actually got 80+). DH's response was 'you twat' in an affectionate way though! He had way more confidence in me than I did and had been trying to tell me it would be fine for weeks while I'd be stressing about it. Then he hugged me and told me he was proud of me.

Don't let your DH bring you down. Whatever his reasons for his lack of response it's his issue and doesn't reflect on what a huge thing you've done, which you should hold your head up and be proud of. I'd be telling random strangers on the street I'd be so happy I got a 1st.

Thanks to all for taking time to post your thoughts. To me, they appear to confirm my initial view that he was being unkind/uncaring in not bestowing praise and showing pride in me that I thought I deserved. All I wanted was a card saying how proud he was, how he was so sorry for the past year of shit etc etc. Just a small something to boost my self esteem and a recognition of my achievement.

Which I know speaks volumes about how I view myself, and I should not need his validation to realise I have done brilliantly. I know I have. I know I am a strong woman. But surely part of being in a team, where you love and cherish and encourage, is to celebrate when the other has done well. You want to share your success with the other, you want to tell that person straight away, and you want the other to want that too? I have realised that he does have the ability to suck the joy out of certain occasions for me, to deflate me.

And Ravenmum, I know exactly what you mean. I do encourage and support him. I've sat and listened and commented and helped with presentations, I've offered advice when he has asked, I've proof read things for him, I've drop hours at work, always been in the home to look after the children, no question that he cannot go to this networking event, that conference, that overnight stay. And he has done so very well in his career of which I am so proud and impressed. Yet he didn't even want to help me revise, for 10 mins, once.

BUT over the past couple of years it has dawned on me that he has always seen this as 'his right'. As the man, the major earner. My job, me, the children are secondary. He would say he does it for us. I know, from the arguments, broken promises, that he does it for him. So, yes I am resentful now of his career. Not because he has done so well, but because it has come at the expense of our family. It is so sad.

So that's why I have placed so much importance on the ridiculous giving of a card. A tiny gesture to show he really cares. A tiny gesture to recognise my worth. I don't want anything else.

So thank you all. At least I know I was not over reacting, and given the context, I feel I am right to feel sad.

Nothing.

I did get a first class degree (and Faculty Prize) two years ago. I organised for us to go out for dinner after my graduation, my Dad wrote me a nice letter, but from my husband all I got was "oh, well done".

He was always too busy (playing on the computer) to help me proof read my essays too. Which would have been helpful, as it is easier to spot typos if you didn't type it yourself. Never mind, I got it done without his help.

Oh, and thegreylady - your story is so sad. I'm so very sorry. Kind of puts my problems into perspective.

I expect he would just smile and say well done/congratulations or something along those lines.

It wouldn't occur to him to get me a card or a present, I don't think, (but maybe I am maligning him.) On the other hand, it didn't occur to me to get him a card or present when he got his PhD, so we are obviously well-suited!

He would be pleased and proud, but I don't think he'd do that much to show it, though he would be enthusiastic if I suggested going out for a meal to celebrate, or something.

My DW hasn't got a first class degree. However, she did work incredibly hard, part time on top of a full time job, for seven years to achieve her PhD. I celebrated with her by attending the award ceremony and taking her out for a very good meal in a very good restaurant afterwards.

Have you talked to him about how important this is to you? Maybe he is as blind/stupid about this as my husband and I were.

It's only since I've really examined some of our problems carefully (a bit late but hey!) that I've come to realise that this might be something you should be doing or at least addressing, even if it doesn't come naturally. I've noticed couples I know praising one another and realised how great that would be. Perhaps your partner needs his eyes opened?

If he sees your achievements as undermining his Great Provider status (which is still a big thing for most men, let's be honest), he'll feel resentful, just as I felt resentful of my husband's job - which makes it hard to give praise.

My husband also refused to help me prepare for a test - a test in his language; he refused to speak it with me! It seems now like a childish expression of resentment, showing that we had trouble communicating. Are you any better at it than we were, or is rational discussion also a sticking-point for you?

Thegreylady, that is so impressive. He must have been so proud to know what efforts you were going to, to take care of the children in his absence.