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Relationships

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Original poster

What would your DH do if you were awarded a First Class Degree?

136 replies

actionsspeaklouder · 05/11/2014 17:23

Exactly that really. I'm new here, but long time lurker.

I have worked really hard for this degree(OU) over 4 years, PT work and looking after 2 children with little help/support from DP who has a very 'busy' job. I'm so proud of myself.

Him, not even a card. He has said 'Well done'. But that's it. He didn't even want to help me revise for my last exam - he was too tired. That really upset me.

So, what would your DHs say/do? Do I need to get a grip?

OP posts:

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 05/11/2014 18:59

Nobody wants a wife who is cleverer. Well done you. Getting a first with two children to care for is no mean feat.

AnyFawker · 05/11/2014 19:03

Does he demonstrate Charmless Tossery in other areas ?

AnyFawker · 05/11/2014 19:03

My H loves the fact I am clever. This is how it should be.

LovesPeace · 05/11/2014 19:13

I got a MSc with Distinction, and my ex said 'I suppose you think I'm stupid' and made it a huge issue between us.

(And yes, he was thick, or he'd have realised all I was looking for was a man with a good heart).

Congratulations, OP - a first is amazing!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/11/2014 19:16

I suppose it depends on how YOU feel about it, OP? My husband has just completed his plumbing course and is chuffed to bits with his achievement so I'm thrilled for him, made him a special dinner, lots of fuss - because HE likes that. I'm very proud of him anyway, whatever he does.

When I got my degree, I ticked it off my list of requirements. I wasn't thrilled. I resigned myself to attending the ceremony because my mother would have it no other way. I wanted (and got) no fuss because I hate that. When I got another one I was equally disinterested in celebrating it and my family respected that.

The key things is what do YOU want? If I were your husband, I would be thrilled and pleased for you because YOU are, if that makes sense.

Congratulations on your achievement!

knittingdad · 05/11/2014 19:20

Just to play Devil's Advocate here, but is it possible that he doesn't rate the subject your degree is in, rather than not rating you personally?

NoMarymary · 05/11/2014 19:21

Congratulations !

DH would bask in my reflected glory . No honestly be proud.

Your H sounds mean spirited and if you are not happy think about getting out.

crje · 05/11/2014 19:22

When dh got his masters there was a meal organised with his study group.
I booked the sitter & bought a dress.

If anything dh was forever thanking me for the support & expected little praise. Very modest man .

Is there a class night out ??

Bumply · 05/11/2014 19:22

Congratulations.

When I got a first my boyfriend got a third and tried to make out that I was the stupid one for having dedicated so much time and effort into getting a better degree. He claimed it was unnecessary as a degree is a degree (which was slightly more the case in the 80s than it is now). I realise now that it was just jealousy and a desire to dismiss my achievements to make him feel better about his own abilities. He always gave the impression of being really clever if he put his mind to it, but I'm now the one with a high powered job, and he ended up working for a supermarket.

ConstantAcceleration · 05/11/2014 19:25

Congratulations! Well done. My OU degree made me very proud indeed, as I'm sure it has you.
I didn't get any cards or anything, but I did get a well done. I think others often don't realise what a massive deal it is for us, not even our partners.

charlieandlola · 05/11/2014 19:26

Congratulations - a great achievement and I hope you are rightly proud of yourself.
My DH wouldn't notice or pass comment but I think the correct response is a huge bunch of flowers and a night out - along with a proud boast in FB if that's your cup of tea

unclerory · 05/11/2014 20:14

DH just said if I had a great academic achievement and he didn't he'd give up work, become a SAHD and boast about me to everyone.

I think your DH is being a bit shite, and is probably jealous. I don't agree with the comment above that no man wants a clever wife, I know lots of (nice) men who are very proud of their partner's achievements, inc DH and my brother. I also know there are some insecure tossers who can't cope with the realisation that someone they think they can lord it over is actually smarter and harder working than they are.

500smiles · 05/11/2014 20:15

Ooops I didn't do anything when DH got his a couple of years back

BuggersMuddle · 05/11/2014 20:15

DP and I aren't always great about celebrating stuff but I would like to think we'd do something! When I got promoted and then new job he bought a bottle of my preferred champagne and asked me where I'd like to go for dinner. We were a bit rubbish with professional qualifications but to be fair mine were mainly box ticking and not exactly what I'd call bar's.

BuggersMuddle · 05/11/2014 20:16

Hard not bar's! Damned autocorrect!

Marmiteandjamislush · 05/11/2014 20:16

You've got a First class degree OP, despite what the media say, you have achieved something only a teeny portion of the population do. That is fab and powerful. The fact you did so with a family and a job makes it even more so. Just celebrate your own power. Go out to dinner/ lunch on your own buy yourself a gift, new leather brief case or earrings or whatever. You don't need his validation. I say this as somebody in a very happy and traditional marriage btw.

Madcatgirl · 05/11/2014 20:17

Wow op that's an amazing achievement and I appreciate the work it takes. (Currently trying to log into my blackboard and it's not working).

I would hope at the very least it would merit a bottle of good champagne and a bunch of very nice flowers.

Your dh is being an arse.

notthatshesaid · 05/11/2014 20:25

My ex did nothing other than say 'well done.' One of the many reasons why he's now an ex.

Original poster

actionsspeaklouder · 05/11/2014 20:59

Just back. Thanks for all the support and congratulations

Anyfawker - not always Charmless, but definite Tossery on occasions. But he can also be very lovely too (and haven't we all heard that one trotted out before...)

Lyingwitchinthe wardrobe - I am chuffed to bits. I have worked so hard, but love the subject. I guess I wanted to do this, apart from the fact I enjoy it, to show I am more than a wife, a mother, there is more to me than that. I wanted to do something just for ME. I have followed DH around, putting my career on the back burner in order for him to progress and so that I am here for the children. He has done brilliantly, basks in the glory and is highly thought of by colleagues. So, yes I guess I just wanted him to allow me my few minutes of glory. To respect me and my achievement.

knitteddad - you may have a point about the subject. However, I would rather poke sticks in my eyes than do his job, yet I have always been supportive of his career. As someone said, rather a mean spirited attitude on his part.

OP posts:

LapsedPacifist · 05/11/2014 21:21

Oh congratulations OP!

I graduated with a First last year (at 52) and DH was initially delighted although I had to prompt him to put a message on FB to tell everyone 'cos I didn't want to be all boasty like...

But he had a few sulky moments later on - he got a 2.2, but from St Andrews back in 1990, and he is also severely dyslexic, which in my book equals a First from a very new university! He started moaning that his degree was worthless nowadays etc so I gave him a good talking too!

beeny · 05/11/2014 21:22

Well done you !

Somethingtodo · 05/11/2014 22:11

When my friend got her PhD after 3 yrs full time study and years and years doing OU before that whilst bring up her kids - at the age of 45 - I held a surprise celebratory party for her and the girls as I knew her dh would be indifferent - as he is a looser well done you you should be so proud -- and lucky you doing something you love....you have done that with zero support whilst your dh has only achieved his success with you as full back up support....your children will be proud of you and he will feel small when other congratulate you...

hmc · 05/11/2014 22:13

Flowers and champagne.

Well done actionsspeak - good going!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/11/2014 22:27

actionsspeaklouder... I think you should tell your husband exactly what you posted - remind him of what he was able to achieve because of your support - and what you've managed in spite of his lack of support. He should feel chagrined, he hasn't been kind, and I think he should make it up to you.

We are all different and thank heavens for that BUT, if he loves you, he should know well enough what it is you are looking for from him, without you needing to be explicit. I'm sorry that you'll have to. He's taking the shine off your achievement and he's doing that knowingly... either that, or he's a thickwit. Ask him which of those statements is true because it's one or the other. I'm hoping it's thick-wittedness rather than over putting you down,

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/11/2014 22:28

that should be 'overt' not over.

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