Should I indulge this fantasy?

[StandingOnTheEdge]

NC'ed as I am usually fairly open on MN and probably easily recognisable. I've been here since the pombear dinner party thread.

I have become increasingly friendly with a bloke at work mostly over instant messenger. Initially I just thought of him as a friend but our messages have been getting more and more flirty. He has recently admitted that he is a dom and the things he writes about submissives have been a huge turn on. He has insisted that it is not about bullying or control but about giving a submissive pleasure and fulfilling her fantasy.

This is a huge fantasy of mine. And I am very tempted to take him up on it, but I'm very nervous. I think I can trust him. I just don't know if I will change my mind when it comes to it. I'm seeing him at work for the first time tomorrow since this all came out.

If anyone can offer advice, I'd appreciate it.

Gotta

The role of a dom is in taking control is intimately to ensure the sub is pleasured, the power therefore lies with the sub as it's their needs being met, not the doms. The problem with anyone who doesn't understand this is that they somehow believe it's about the dom and not thoughts for the sub, the opposite is true.

I think you and your friend need to be clear that there is a huge difference between between somebody who is selfish in bed, and a dom. There is a huge difference between the 2

Joys yes lots of people will say that the power lies with the sub, this is not really true.

The sub gives up power, this is of course/or should be in a more symbolic sense and not literally. However, even if its symbolic, the power is given to the Dominant. Its a symbolic exchange. The dominant (can't be arsed with all this capitals crap) must feel in control to get anything from it, just as the sub needs to feel that they have given control to someone else. Its far too complex and every situation different to simply state the sub has ultimate control. I agree that the dom should seek to please the sub in the same way the sub should be gratified by pleasing the dom. I don't think it is right to say that anyone gives up control, I believe it is in that shared space lies trust. In this sense, and in all actuality that a relationship like this is not unlike any other relationship and should be built on trust. So, just like any sort of sexual relationship, one doesn't give up control they give their trust.

If any dom expects total control - avoid because he will respect no limits, it would be meaningless to have limits, and if any sub literally hands over all control it would be meaningless for them to impose limits. So it is a sharing of power (symbolic) and trust(actual).

Of course there are misogynistic selfish porn addicts that think pulling hair or spitting or a slap make them a dom, no it makes them selfish, lazy, and possibly women hating.

Its far too complex and every situation different to simply state the sub has ultimate control

It's not that complex that I can't state that's the case for us

I did say that every case was different

You can't generalise and say that the sub has control, it is a nonsense because if that were the case, no dom would ever have abused a clueless sub.

Sounds like fun.
It's a very common fantasy for women to want to be submissive and for men to want to be dominant. How far you go is up to you.

I don't see any harm in it if it's what you both want. Now how do I go about finding a fun guy like that?

Just kidding :)

SummerVacation - can I suggest you read some of the responses on this thread.

I'm a dominant woman and rest assured, I know dominant men who really aren't fun and who would actually take great sadist pleasure in doing you a great deal of harm.

What kind of things would give a clue that a man is into being dominant. I have not approached the subject with man I'm seeing. I don't want to make a issue if I'm mistaken. Hair pulling is not a sign of being domineering? Hand over mouth, biting and scratching? Being rough doesn't mean sub and dom roles?
I have only ever known vanilla sex.

gottafindaman - why are you asking?

Is it because you are interested in exploring/finding a dominant man?
Or is it because you don't and are concerned whether your current partner is dominant and you don't want to travel that road?

If the latter, I'd just ask him. You don't have to say "would you class yourself as a dom?". You can bring the conversation round to it. Bring up 50 shades of Grey. Or start talking about how many porn films feature men dominating women. You can start to explore what someone's attitude is.

Standing on the edge if you're about still pm me

Self Asking because of my lack of sexual experience, only had one sexual partner. Never felt comfortable discussing sex with ex because he would make me feel bad about it.
I am not a prude but have alot of work regarding my confidence and experience.
In the past if I was made to feel like I was unsexy and crap in bed by ex, don't want to end up saying the wrong thing so on here to get some insight and advice.

This is utterly fascinating and I really want to know what happened!
I would say 'go for it' - even after all this scary 'scene' sub/ dom talk - it's most likely that he is, like you, just wanting to explore, not a fully fledged scene 'Dom' with sadistic tendencies....and surely there is almost an added security in the fact that you know him from work, he's not a stranger who you met at a sub/dom 'munch' while wearing a sign round your neck saying 'newbie, please abuse'.
You can get back at him through work just as easily as he can at you!
There seems to be a lot of alarmism here. As a dabbler in 'extra marital' dating sites with a high sex drive and lots of curiosity but little experience of bdsm I have recently started exploring very gently with a lovely man who has also dabbled on the scene... So far lots of very enjoyable illicit shagging has been the result, with the only dom/sub themes being who is down on their knees and a few sex toys.... But I know if I want to go further he won't run screaming.
Maybe he's spinning you a line to get you into bed... But you need to enjoy that first with him to take it further anyway!!
If you fancy him anyhow ...have some fun and don't believe in bogeymen behind every bush!
Xx

I agree with everyone who says be very careful. There is a horribly sad story in the Irish papers at the minute of a woman who was involved in this scene and her so called Dom is now in court on a murder charge.

I do BDSM things. I don't do this sort of thing with people I work with. Lots of perfectly consensual BDSM stuff is technically illegal (though prosecutions are exceptional) [unlike vanilla sex with a colleague, which might be unethical, but isn't unlawful]. Your employer might use evidence of BDSM stuff as justification for getting rid of one or both of you. So err, maybe move jobs, if you're serious about pursuing something with this person

I suggest: have a read of FetLife, and some books on the subject [not only erotica] - look for the Topping Book and the Bottoming Book [there are lots more] to explore more about kink.

You may find it feels 'safer' to you to try playing with a very new person at a club, rather than somewhere private, because they're are people around who will help. [On the other hand you might find public play to be something you don't want to do at all]

Fulfil this fantasy outside of your working practices. There are websites for this like FetLife. You get the odd douche but a fair few serious people on there.

My advice would be to research and build trusting, respectful relationships with the people you play with. Otherwise you might find people pushing your limits and causing you great discomfort, emotional and physical.

Also, remember that aftercare is essential in these situations. Find out what you need to feel OK and reassured afterwards.

It would be very foolish to put yourself into such a vulnerable position with someone you vaguely know.

This needs complete trust. You need to know him in person before doing this.

Singingtuesday i agree with you

Zombie thread.