Should I indulge this fantasy?

[StandingOnTheEdge]

NC'ed as I am usually fairly open on MN and probably easily recognisable. I've been here since the pombear dinner party thread.

I have become increasingly friendly with a bloke at work mostly over instant messenger. Initially I just thought of him as a friend but our messages have been getting more and more flirty. He has recently admitted that he is a dom and the things he writes about submissives have been a huge turn on. He has insisted that it is not about bullying or control but about giving a submissive pleasure and fulfilling her fantasy.

This is a huge fantasy of mine. And I am very tempted to take him up on it, but I'm very nervous. I think I can trust him. I just don't know if I will change my mind when it comes to it. I'm seeing him at work for the first time tomorrow since this all came out.

If anyone can offer advice, I'd appreciate it.

This bit?

"He has insisted that it is not about bullying or control but about giving a submissive pleasure and fulfilling her fantasy."

Maybe just a way of saying he gets off on a sub who is into it?

I don't think so. That statement also worries me, he's saying what he thinks she wants to hear. I've hung around the edges a bit and that's not how someone genuine would talk about it.

I've also seen it go horribly wrong. If you really want to do this I think you do have involve yourself in the community and listen and learn at length before you even think of doing it yourself. You won't find the right person from a few nights messaging, you need a personal recommendation from someone you can trust and lots of real-life talking to the person concerned before you go ahead. And, yeah, not someone you work with!

If you want to explore bdsm with someone new, my tip is to do it at a club. A private room if you prefer but it is far safer and you might make new friends having a brew after.

Also read up on it - try fetlife.

Oops, cross-posted a bit then, I hadn't read LovesPeace's post when I typed mine

Never have I been happier that something really, really, doesn't appeal to me!

Be safe OP.

I'm with Frau. Very recently had a few new experiences (I should probably have NC for this but sod it)
You can see how easily someone could pretend (or even think they are) a Dom and abuse the power
I was checked constantly that I was ok because I had no means of using a safe word we had to have other agreements. At one point I made a noise that wasn't like the "are you ok?" noises previously and he reacted so so fast to check I was fine
Then you have the other things - if you go off into subspace as I do, you become less aware of things like pain, or pins and needles when you are tied up and you need your Dom to keep you safe. Then you have after care as well

If he's suggesting sex, a mild spanking and a bit of "yes Sir" play then fine... But anything beyond what I would class as (vanilla!!!) very mild kink, you need o be really careful
I trust the guy I was with 100%, if I look at him in a certain way, he will immediately stop. Not because I know him so well (it's a new thing) but because he doesn't abuse his position and wants everything (as it should be) to be consensual, fun but safe. It's like anything, there are good and bad people but even though a sub is holding the power, they are also in a physically and mentally vulnerable position to be taken advantage of by people who use the word Dom to exert power/control in a frightening way

Take care, come back, read the thread and keep talking

I would be careful about photos he may want to take. They could go viral around your office.

"Thinking" you can trust someone is a world apart from being 110% certain.

I would never mix work and pleasure.

The thing about even mild kink, or what you think will be mild kink, goodasitgets, is that with someone predatory and controlling, you are going to be at some point into territory you would not have agreed at the start. And it is not because it is mutual exploration of new limits, it is because it is the headfuck FrauHelga describes.

Exactly - I think what I was trying to say is that could happen whether any form of kink/BDSM/Dom is involved or not, someone with that attitude might not even mention anything but then show their true colours in bed. So in effect it's always the risk that is there? But less risk than throwing head on into a full submission fantasy agreeing to breath play etc
It's working it out isn't it, knowing someone and weighing it all up before you are in bed with them no matter what type of sex

(That might not make any sense, I'm ill and taking lots of meds!)

I have been so uneasy about this thread all night. I know I said I wasn't going to come back ... but ...

The thing that worries me is this

"He has insisted that it is not about bullying or control" - the OP has already told him she's not comfortable, or has expressed enough doubt that he felt he had to insist. That's overstepping a boundary right there. Before they even do anything.

He admitted he was a Dom and the OP has no idea about BDSSM and hadn't even done any research of her own before this man came along. So, he's pushing her to do this fantasy of hers, which until he came along she hadn't explored with any of the other sexual partners she'd had? (assuming she's not a virgin)

If it's all about the submissive's pleasure and he's not manipulating her, I'd be more than surprised.

I'm wondering if the OP has ran for the hills.

Maybe she feels like she's opened a real can of worms but so much better to explore her thoughts and feelings here than getting physically, emotionally or psychologically hurt in RL.

Very true. I had already read/researched and knew a fair amount about the scene, but had never had the opportunity... For some reason I seem to attract sub men (not quite sure what that says about me)

The OP posted last night and clearly said "I really don't think I'm ready for this after all." So any further debate is for a different agenda not for the OP's, unless there is a great altruistic need to hammer the point home.

I have seen loads of threads on here where the debate has continued long after the OP has left

I'd advise a lot of caution.
Yes there are 'codes of conduct' but my experience has unfortunately been someone will ignore (at 'munches' nightclubs etc) them and things can and generally will be used against you. (In my experience an event organiser threatened me after my ex and I split should she spot me at any event).
I am sure most 'scene' people are honest in their intents, but there's no background checking and you can't trust everyone.
Bringing that dynamic to a work relationship seems fraught with risk.
Sorry to be so negative but whilst most people are playing and enjoying the frission of subverting power dynamics some really are just nasty.

Yeah of course Frau, no problem with having a debate. Someone suspected that the OP had disappeared, and I was just pointing out she had posted last night and that it sounded like she had made up her mind.

Some good advice here:

thejourneyofwill.blogspot.nl/2013/02/how-to-interview-dommaster-prospect.html?m=1

Another thing about dom/sub relationships is that even where you trust each other things can go wrong depending on the level of experience.

Ex-DP (we were in a committed relationship) who was a dom slapped me across the face (we'd talked about it and I'd consented to it) during play. At that point neither he nor I had read enough about face slapping and he knocked my jaw out of alignment. It wasn't fully dislocated but on the way.
It was both our faults for trying something obviously risky without being fully educated as to techniques.

That is a tiny example of things that can go wrong. The physical risks the sub takes will depend on what they are into - light vanilla spanking is very different from serious physical pain domination. But if you are dealing with someone you barely know, the risks are greater because you don't know whether they actually know what they are doing. Breath control and nipple binding/clamping are examples of things that can go badly wrong if the dom is a novice.

well. think I might have missed out on a lot in life after reading this thread.

I'd give it a go, it sounds very fun! Saying that I can't imagine being with a man and not saying "get off" if he hurt me in the bedroom so it's all a bit abstract to me.

goodasitgets, yes, what you say makes sense, particularly the last sentence. I think that is very true.

All of which makes me agree with FrauHelgas post which follows. I hope this man leaves the OP alone.

Wow. What an eyeopener this thread has been. I always thought in my innocent life that the bondage thing meant furry handcuffs and blindfolds or some such. . I've never been so glad to be a mundane or vanilla whatever the term is

Glad I read this thread, I am curious about the reasons for a man wanting to dominate a woman during sex. I spoke to a close friend and she was not impressed and said that the man probably dislikes women deep down. The man I am dating does not show any signs of being aggressive, but he is showing signs of being domineering in bed.

Gottafindaman

I'm a submissive in private but not part of the BDSM scene. It sounds like others posting here are far more experienced than me so will have wider knowledge than me.

What turns people on is largely to do with stuff waaay out of their control. Like a man may fancy blondes in pigtails because the first time he got a hard on, he saw a naked blonde in pigtails in his dads porno mag. Or he may fancy women with red hair because on an unconscious level it reminds him of his mother. I knew guy who got turned on by the noise of a hoover because when he was a kid he used to wank at home when his mother was hovering to hide the noise - and the two things got associated in his mind. That's all bit too simple but you get the idea.

IMO (and my exp.), doms are not women haters. They are just men who enjoy being in control and feeling very manly/masculine during sex. It's all quite basic instinct. "Me take you back to cave. Ravish you"

I think there are some men who are doms (or have dominant preferences) who are woman haters, but these are people who are plain misogynists.

Misogynists may very well be doms but not all doms are misogynists.

A DP who was my master got very turned on by me crying (women crying generally - he'd had it with other subs). He 100% was not a misogynist - it was just a "thing" that worked for him in bed - a different version of the hoover! Out of the bedroom he was a kind caring guy.

This stuff is not everyone's cup of tea but a lot of people who enjoy BDSM are living perfectly normal lives, don't have deep rooted prejudices or bodies buried under the patio.

[That's not to say that there are those who do have bodies under the patio, but don't tar us all with the same brush].

*there aren't those who do have bodies/patio

Agree with SubNChange. If you post on a D/s website 'why do you feel the need to be dominant or submissive?' you will a myriad of different reasons, the main one that shines through will be because its a part of who I am, a bit like asking someone why they are gay really. There will be some who are misogynists I have experience there back in my young stupid days or watch too much porn or whatever but not everyone is like that.

The main point being this should never happen unless it has been discussed before and consented to.