DP touched me when I didn't want him to.

[WestEast]

Don't seem to be able to name change, so fuck it. May be long, don't want to drip feed.

DP worked away Thursday, only saw him for twenty mins or so in the morning, came home Friday evening, saw him for half an hour and he went on a works leaving do.
He came home about half 11, had had a drink but in no way pissed. Tried chatting, as we've not seen each other properly and it was like getting blood from a stone, he was more interested in his pizza.
Went to bed, I sleep naked, him in his pants. I curled up on my right with him behind me, me laid on his right arm, with it round me. He started kissing my neck and feeling my breasts, I said no, he stopped and I drew my knees up to make it even more clear. About 30 seconds passed and he started touching my breasts again, pulling on my nipple, I made a 'nuh-uh' noise as I was shocked he was trying again, I just laid there. He 'rearranged' himself and started pushing himself into my back/bum area.
I laid there not reacting for about a minute and he started laughing to himself. I moved and sat on the edge of the bed, I told him I said no and then he touched me again when it was clear I didn't want touching like that.
He said sorry, I left the room, he's now fast asleep and I'm on the sofa. I can still feel where he was touching me.
Am I over reacting? I feel like he's crossed a massive line, I said no. I'm sat on the sofa shaking and he's happily asleep, knowing that he upset me.

optimistik - did you mean to sound like you were victim blaming?

Optimistik, sorry to agree with Itsfab, but you are being very dismissive of a situation that has caused Westeast a lot of pain, it does seem you are saying she is in some way at fault. Maybe it's no big deal to you but you seem to lack empathy. Perhaps if you read the thread carefully you would have picked up that Westeast made her DP very aware of her past trust issue and the effect it has on her if she feels her right to consent is being compromised.

It's a massive issue for me too so I don't feel she over reacted. In fact she was very tolerant! Why should she have to fend off her DP just because he decides he "wants action". For a start, he couldn't even be bothered to chat, he was more interested in his dinner. Is that the way to treat someone?

Do you think your posting has been supportive?

Agreed, we only have one side of the story, but having said that -the side of the story we know doesn't sound very flattering!

Daisy, I must admit I read to the part where he had apologised but only now read about her past. OP said he never behaved like that before. I see that it causes her pain. Perhaps I am stronger and would have sorted it out myself. (I was raped in my late teens. I never told about it to anyone and not even to my husband.) Many problems I keep inside myself.
OP, I do apologise. He is a pig behaving like ignoring your past. I should not try replying on my phone as it is hard reading on a small screen and I should read all the messages not assuming everything has been covered in the main post.

I'm not sure how not 'whining' about it to Mumsnet and instead ignoring such a blatant display of entitlement and lack of respect (or jumping at the offer and therefore never stumbling across this issue, since you say you feel your sex life is lacking) would be any indication that you were in any way 'stronger', optimistik.

Oops, I seem to have done a fair bit of paraphrasing there. I hope it's sufficiently representative of your views as expressed on this thread.

Also paraphrasing

He's a pig for ignoring your nos, regardless of your past.
In fact, he's a pig for pushing it in face of your lack of enthusiastic consent.

There are ways of initiating sex, ascertaining if the other person is in the mood or putting them in the mood without groping or thrusting a penis against one's bum area.

For example, I can get quickly turned on, but somehow I also get quickly turned off when the man thinks he can just go ahead to certain areas before he knows I do want sex.
You are perfectly entitled to reject a man who does not respect your body and your will.
I doubt he ever will.

This would be a non issue for me. It would mildly irritate me, but I can't imagine a scenario where my OH's touch would literally have me shaken up.

I'd say you were over reacting or there was a more sinister atmosphere in your scenario that you don't/can't express. I'd say there is something wrong if this has upset you so much.

Can you imagine a scenario where you really don't want sex, your partner keeps insisting to the point of rubbing his genitals against your bum and you have to get out of bed for it to stop and he still gropes you?
Would that mildly annoy you?

I'd be more than mildly annoyed, I'd be fucking furious if I had to go and sleep on the sofa as the only way to avoid unwanted sex. A person should have the right to sleep comfortably in their own bed, surely.

I suppose the OP is expected to be humbly grateful that he let her leave the room

"Itsfab, most of the time people post in Relationships about their problems. You, on the other hand, don't look like you have problems with your DH. So do you just pop in to give an advice?"

optimistic - what is your problem? Having a sulk because I disagreed with what you posted. You don't own the board and posters can read and post in any topic they like. Hell, I even post in The Doghouse sometimes and I don't have a dog!!!

"....about her past. OP said he never behaved like that before. I see that it causes her pain. Perhaps I am stronger and would have sorted it out myself."

optimistic - I think you have been totally out of order on this thread with the OP. Blaming her for her feelings and reactions, putting her down by insinuating she is not strong.

I am sorry you were raped. It does not mean you are the oracle on how every women should act in her physical relationship with her partner.

PurpleSwift - you are being very unkind and unfair too.

Newsflash - not everyone who has an experience of any sort will react to another in the same way as you. It does not make them wrong or weaker than you. It just means they are different.

How am I being unkind and unfair?

Op asked for opinions. There was nothing in my post that was unkind. I'm just suggesting that if she is literally left "shaken up" by the touch of her own boyfriend then something is wrong between them and it needs to be discussed.

purpleswift I woke up this morning thinking about this thread, I agree with your posts 100% but was scared to post it myself in case I was accused of 'victim blaming'.

If my DH did that (and was a bit pissed) and I wasn't interested I would probably say 'fuck off I mean it' he would probably laugh and roll over, if I gave a few half hearted 'no's' he would (rightly) presume there was a chance and keep trying until I 'succumbed' to his advances or uttered the aforementioned 'fuck off'!

There must be a way deeper issue, like someone said I can't imagine my DH touching me in any way ever that made me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable.

PurpleSwift - you said she over reacted. I feel that is unkind as you are dismissing her feelings and implying there is more to it. What she has said is enough for her to feel the way she does as she is right to feel anything she feels. as is everyone. We are all allowed our own feelings.

Op asked for opinions.

On the situation described. She didn't ask, "what would you think if something similar, but not the same, had happened in PurpleSwift's relationship".

There was nothing in my post that was unkind.

Some of us think it's unkind to make a person doubt themselves. It's kind to teach others "your body, your rules".

I'm just suggesting that if she is literally left "shaken up" by the touch of her own boyfriend then something is wrong between them and it needs to be discussed.

But this is about "touch". It's about a sequence of touches, in certain places combined with the whole verbal and non-verbal communication between the two of them.

Now, are you being deliberately obtuse and do you have an agenda to push here?

There must be a way deeper issue, like someone said I can't imagine my DH touching me in any way ever that made me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable.

Really? You can't imagine somewhere he could touch you without your consent that would make you feel even slightly uncomfortable?

Your partner has carte blanche to pinch your nipple whenever you feel like it, regardless of how you are feeling or what you are doing?

Ha! "whenever he feels like it".

Vivacia Sun 02-Nov-14 11:27:02

Really? You can't imagine somewhere he could touch you without your consent that would make you feel even slightly uncomfortable?

Yes really! I can't imagine the man I trust with mine and our children's lives doing anything that would ever make me uncomfortable.

I'm not minimising what the op feels, but in a loving equal relationship a pissed clumsy attempt at sex shouldn't make her feel this awful - hence my comment there must be something deeper.

off to reread the original op as maybe I have missed something

Yes really! I can't imagine the man I trust with mine and our children's lives doing anything that would ever make me uncomfortable

I read that, looked over at the man I love and asked myself, "Why do I find it easy to imagine?".

I find it easy to imagine because I can think of at least two men who did.

Anyway, more relevant to the OP, how about, "Your partner has carte blanche to pinch your nipple whenever you feel like it, regardless of how you are feeling or what you are doing?"

Yes Belleate please carefully read Westeast's posts, especially the one that says that she had difficulties with trust and the need for consent, which means that whether slightly pissed, fully pissed or not, for her DP to start prodding and poking her continuously, shows a crass insensitivity towards her.

Fine if you are all hunky dory in your relationship, but this isn't about you.

Also, not every woman feels good about having to push their DP away, and say Fuck off leave me alone like a sledgehammer. Some people feel that might have a big effect on the rest of the relationship, and maybe try to take a more tactful approach. Clearly being sensitive and tactful doesn't always work -well I'd say that was the man's fault for having the skin of a rhino and not having the intelligence to deal with it, not the woman's for trying to be a bit nice about it. Been there, done that, and glad to be out of it!

if I gave a few half hearted 'no's' he would (rightly) presume there was a chance and keep trying until I 'succumbed' to his advances or uttered the aforementioned 'fuck off'!

How utterly depressing that 'no' wouldn't be enough. You say you can't imagine a relationship where a partner's touch would make you uncomfortable. Well I can't understand a relationship where you would be forced to say 'fuck off' for your partner to respect your wishes.

Hope you are okay OP.

Sometimes you want to say one thing and then your words get twisted or people think you wanted to say or mean a different thing.