DP touched me when I didn't want him to.

[WestEast]

Don't seem to be able to name change, so fuck it. May be long, don't want to drip feed.

DP worked away Thursday, only saw him for twenty mins or so in the morning, came home Friday evening, saw him for half an hour and he went on a works leaving do.
He came home about half 11, had had a drink but in no way pissed. Tried chatting, as we've not seen each other properly and it was like getting blood from a stone, he was more interested in his pizza.
Went to bed, I sleep naked, him in his pants. I curled up on my right with him behind me, me laid on his right arm, with it round me. He started kissing my neck and feeling my breasts, I said no, he stopped and I drew my knees up to make it even more clear. About 30 seconds passed and he started touching my breasts again, pulling on my nipple, I made a 'nuh-uh' noise as I was shocked he was trying again, I just laid there. He 'rearranged' himself and started pushing himself into my back/bum area.
I laid there not reacting for about a minute and he started laughing to himself. I moved and sat on the edge of the bed, I told him I said no and then he touched me again when it was clear I didn't want touching like that.
He said sorry, I left the room, he's now fast asleep and I'm on the sofa. I can still feel where he was touching me.
Am I over reacting? I feel like he's crossed a massive line, I said no. I'm sat on the sofa shaking and he's happily asleep, knowing that he upset me.

I can understand that OP.

Take care, listen to your own thoughts in the light of day and whole context of your relationship.

I was raped by a partner in a previous relationship and am very sensitive to this sort of thread but if this had happened in my current relationship, it wouldn't have been in the context of power play or lack of respect and would have been a dumb attempt to get me interested. In my previous relationship it would have been bad news indeed

IMO you should leave him now. He knew what he was doing and he acted as if it was fun. He was pushed into apologising and you didn't feel it was a proper apology.
This was him pushing barriers and it will happen again until the barriers will be lower and lower.
One day you'll feel you'll just have to go along with it or you'll be fed up with the pressure.

This is the time to leave.
Sorry. :(

if this had happened in my current relationship, it wouldn't have been in the context of power play or lack of respect and would have been a dumb attempt to get me interested.

I'm interested in this comment, Joysmum.
Would this have happened in your current relationship? Has it happened?

Lweji, everyone has different tolerance levels. You have chosen zero tolerance on ANY attempts by your partner to change your mind after you have said no. I respect that. But I think you need to realize that others may feel differently, and respect that also. Some of your comments are hurtful and may make others feel as if we are somehow 'allowing' our partners to abuse us.

I'm a survivor of marital rape. Not just once, many times, including an attempt after we separated. My ex felt that a wife did not have the right to say no. And yet I don't feel that every person (male or female) who attempts to persuade his or her partner is a rapist or a vile person. Some are, some are not. Each of us has a personal point at which we would feel that our partner has crossed the line. That does not make us 'victims' or 'enablers'.

Bit extreme to tell op to leave. Lets not make this guy out to be a predator.

Across, I chose to give exH the benefit of the doubt. This is why I think it is best to leave now.

I can't see how my comments could be interpreted in that if people stay they are allowing to be abused.

I e

I agree with Joysmum.

If my dh had done this, I would not have felt violated, just pissed off! And think he was being a bit of a twat.

But then I am not in an emotionally/sexually abusive relationship. And have never been raped/assaulted.

I do think you have to look at that whole relationship before any context is put on it really.

I honestly don't think this is a LTB moment.

Ups

I put forward what is likely to happen based on his reactions. I hope I am wrong.

Lets not make this guy out to be a predator.
Why not?
I find his attitudes worrying, and so does the OP, who knows him best, or she wouldn't have posted here and she wouldn't have gone to the sofa.
Trust your instincts.
They are there for a reason.

If my dh had done this, I would not have felt violated, just pissed off! And think he was being a bit of a twat.

It's the second time someone says "IF my partner had done this". Which suggests they haven't.

Again, has he actually ever done anything like this? And if so, was his reaction similar to OP's partner?

Genuine question. I am really interested to know if non abusers do this.

I never really feel up for sex. But if my dh touches me, cuddles me, kisses my neck, it often makes me then feel up for it and we have sex. Sometimes, I've said 'no' to start with but then started to get turned on and changed my mind. He knows this is a possibility so will sometimes pester a bit longer...

This is normal for us. Not abusive at all.

But like I said, you have to look at it from the point of view of your relationship.

We've had mornings where I've been woken up with a cock pressing against my back and very nice it was too...when I finally woke up properly

'a dumb attempt to get me interested'

This.

This used to happen with my ex a lot. The unwanted fondling, no matter how many times I said no. The slapping his bits on me, the laughing....It sickens me to my stomach now. Well it did then really, but I kind of went numb when it happened and in the end, I was kind of just used to it and even sort of assumed it was normal and this must be happening to everyone. When we split, I realised just how wrong I was. On a couple of occasions, things would go all the way, without my consent, but because I didn't physically fight him off, I didn't really see it as rape. Looking back now, that's exactly what it was.

Op has anything similar to this happened before?

Not sure if what you describe, Joy is similar to this
"He 'rearranged' himself and started pushing himself into my back/bum area"

The problem here was that it was a succession of nos, of the OP pulling out and him insisting
"He started kissing my neck and feeling my breasts, I said no, he stopped and I drew my knees up to make it even more clear. About 30 seconds passed and he started touching my breasts again, pulling on my nipple, I made a 'nuh-uh' noise as I was shocked he was trying again, I just laid there. He 'rearranged' himself and started pushing himself into my back/bum area.
I laid there not reacting for about a minute and he started laughing to himself. I moved and sat on the edge of the bed, I told him I said no and then he touched me again when it was clear I didn't want touching like that."

Even if he is not a predator (I'm not saying he is, though), he is enough of a twat for you to look for someone else who actually respects you.

And in that kind of relationship Merlot, it is sickening. And wrong. And abusive.

I think there obviously has to be a point when he should realise that these attempts are not going to work and sex is not going to happen. Sometimes, dh's attempts to get me interested are obviously not going to work and he rolls over and goes to sleep, absolutely fine with that. The abuse is when this is not happening and he continues, especially (obviously) if this leads to non-consensual sex.

I have to say, that the point where I think it gets wrong for the OP is when she has sat on the edge of the bed and yet he still continues to touch her. This is where the boundary was crossed imo.

Maybe I should have read the thread more closely.

However, the stuff before that, in my relationship anyway, would be quite normal and Ok with me and not abusive.

No it's not the same because I gloss over the details as they aren't a problem. pasander has identified where I'd see a problem too, even in my current relationship, a believe me, after my past in VERY sensitive with regards to what's acceptable and always questioning if I'm giving out mixed signals, although no in regards to my hubby as he's so cautious he misses my little cues to jump his bones. I wish I didn't affect us like I do.

I think the OP knows how this felt to her, in the context of her relationship.

Lweji

I have had to say no quite firmly after a rubbish attempt to get me interested. After talking this thorugh he now knows if i had to say it twice, that would be the end for me.

No it's not the same because I gloss over the details as they aren't a problem.

You glossed over the rest of the OP because they aren't a problem? I'm lost.

lweji

....so I agree with you. Sorry. Pressed post too soon!

Yeah I've woken up with his cock in my back, it's morning wood, I get that. That's not an issue.
However this was not that.
Saying no, having another try playful thing is definitely not an aspect of our relationship. He is very aware of my past and how important consent is to me. He knows. I don't think he'll ever understand exactly how I feel as he isn't me, but he is trying at the moment, which is good. It's not enough right now and he has work to do in fixing this.

I think you could ask him what he would think if another man would repeatedly feel him, even though he had said no at first and again.

I am worried that he doesn't "get it".

Sorry, I think you're overreacting.

He sounded like he had a couple of clumsy goes at initiating sex, before he got that you didn't want it.

But saying that, if you feel shit about it then of course you should speak to him about it. If you don't feel comfortable then he has to realise he went too far.

If my dh had done this, I would not have felt violated, just pissed off! And think he was being a bit of a twat. It's the second time someone says "IF my partner had done this". Which suggests they haven't. Again, has he actually ever done anything like this? And if so, was his reaction similar to OP's partner?

Genuine question. I am really interested to know if non abusers do this

Lweji, in response to your question, there was once a time when I did have to go thru what westeast described in her experience, which I found actually upsetting to read, it was very "close to home" - it must have been awful for her, not only to go thru it but also feel so upset and hurt after, and hear him snoring away like &@/?£ when he should have apologised. It's the detachment of emotions from the physical, as if the woman has to suddenly spring into action and perform at the man's command. In a committed relationship it feels even worse in my experience, the hurt runs deeper because you expect the person to make the effort to read the signals, body language and hints, because the woman doesn't want to be forced to scream at the top of their voice " get your f'ing hands OFF me!!" And be the bad person.

No, my DP does not do this, he actually has very strong "now's not the right time" antennae, sort of a rejection sensitivity, which means if he feels I am not in the mood, no way would he even want it, it would turn him off. He doesn't get huffy or sulky, he just knows I don't want to, and that's good enough for me. He is more than likely to give me a hug/cuddle, non sexual and tell me he loves me. In this context I feel comfortable, that it is a healthy situation.

But...

I have had a situation in the past - not with DP - where the person used to force the issue with me and I absolutely bloody hated it, it made me feel totally used. And then v angry. Because they hadn't shown the least bit of interest in talking to me, touching me non sexually, or recognising I was actually a living human being, then it was ping like a light switch went on and all of a sudden I was meant to spring into action like a bloody robot!

westeast I empathise totally with you. If it were me, I would want to have a further conversation, in the cold light of day, to tell your DP how you felt, for example if it made you angry, or used, or frustrated that he didn't take no to mean no, and that drink has nothing to do with it. It is about respecting your wishes as a woman, a human being and the person he says he loves.

Tell him straight so he never forgets your wishes and needs!