DP touched me when I didn't want him to.

[WestEast]

Don't seem to be able to name change, so fuck it. May be long, don't want to drip feed.

DP worked away Thursday, only saw him for twenty mins or so in the morning, came home Friday evening, saw him for half an hour and he went on a works leaving do.
He came home about half 11, had had a drink but in no way pissed. Tried chatting, as we've not seen each other properly and it was like getting blood from a stone, he was more interested in his pizza.
Went to bed, I sleep naked, him in his pants. I curled up on my right with him behind me, me laid on his right arm, with it round me. He started kissing my neck and feeling my breasts, I said no, he stopped and I drew my knees up to make it even more clear. About 30 seconds passed and he started touching my breasts again, pulling on my nipple, I made a 'nuh-uh' noise as I was shocked he was trying again, I just laid there. He 'rearranged' himself and started pushing himself into my back/bum area.
I laid there not reacting for about a minute and he started laughing to himself. I moved and sat on the edge of the bed, I told him I said no and then he touched me again when it was clear I didn't want touching like that.
He said sorry, I left the room, he's now fast asleep and I'm on the sofa. I can still feel where he was touching me.
Am I over reacting? I feel like he's crossed a massive line, I said no. I'm sat on the sofa shaking and he's happily asleep, knowing that he upset me.

[AcrossthePond55]

I had to step away from this thread for a bit.

OP, you have the right to set your own boundaries. That is true for all of us. Nothing is 'wrong or 'right' but what feels right to us. Your partner should respect your boundaries, whatever they are.

Re this thread in general; there is nothing to be gained in attacking other posters for what takes place in the privacy of their own bedrooms. Neither is there anything to be gained by saying that there is 'something wrong' with a poster's partner, or worse that they are an abuser or 'rapist'. It's one thing to say that one wouldn't be happy with OP's partner's behaviour in their own relationship. It's another to say he's an abuser and she should LTB.

OP, I wish you well in your talk with your partner to explain to him what your boundaries are, and that he crossed them. If he listens, you won't have a further problem. If he doesn't, then consider counseling.

Peace out, peeps.

[Joe3578]

I think if you've said 'No' then he's definitely crossed a line. Not on. No one is entitles to sex like that.

[Lweji]

in a loving equal relationship a pissed clumsy attempt at sex shouldn't make her feel this awful - hence my comment there must be something deeper.

The OP clearly said he wasn't pissed. He had had a drink. Not that it should excuse it.
And it wasn't an attempt at sex. It was an attempt at forcing sex. A different thing as well.

Even a drunk partner who behaved like this would worry me, because it still meant that I wasn't safe sleeping next to him in case he was drunk. And because being drunk only shows better what's inside. In this case, someone who feels entitled to their partner's bodies.

I'm glad that some people can't imagine feeling like this when their partner touches them, but that is probably because their partner is way more respectful, even when attempting sex.

[basgetti]

Well perhaps you should have recognised that your scenario was indeed specific to your relationship before you started trying to minimise the OP's feelings about hers. 'No means no' really isn't a radically concept and saying your partner 'rightly' carries on when you have said no is a very damaging message to attempt to normalise to others.

[BelleateSebastian]

How utterly depressing that 'no' wouldn't be enough. You say you can't imagine a relationship where a partner's touch would make you uncomfortable. Well I can't understand a relationship where you would be forced to say 'fuck off' for your partner to respect your wishes.

Because sometimes a little persistence gets me in the mood and I change my mind - in my relationship with my husband this is fine and luckily I don't find it utterly depressing :)

Viv I read what you said about 'at least 2 other men that made you feel uncomfortable' and hear what you are saying, I had a relationship with someone in my late teens who I wouldn't have 'dare' say no to, I suppose if we had stayed together I could see myself in the position we are talking about.

WestEast I'm sorry I don't mean to upset or offend you, I hope you are ok, sometimes it's easy to forget there is someone worried and upset at the start of the thread.

[optimistikcolouristik]

Itstab, I said above I didn't read the thread properly only the original post. Also I said that after reading the rest of her posts I do understand why she feels like that. No, it is not normal if he cannot understand one NO. But I am stronger and would not have taken it that seriously unless it had happened more than once. I would have told him to duck off. That is what I meant that in this way I am stronger. I would have dealt with it without being too much insulted. But I didn't know about OP's past which adds to it. I did apologise so what is your problem?

[optimistikcolouristik]

Sometimes you want to say one thing and then your words get twisted or people think you wanted to say or mean a different thing.

[basgetti]

if I gave a few half hearted 'no's' he would (rightly) presume there was a chance and keep trying until I 'succumbed' to his advances or uttered the aforementioned 'fuck off'!

How utterly depressing that 'no' wouldn't be enough. You say you can't imagine a relationship where a partner's touch would make you uncomfortable. Well I can't understand a relationship where you would be forced to say 'fuck off' for your partner to respect your wishes.

Hope you are okay OP.

[daisychain01]

Yes Belleate please carefully read Westeast's posts, especially the one that says that she had difficulties with trust and the need for consent, which means that whether slightly pissed, fully pissed or not, for her DP to start prodding and poking her continuously, shows a crass insensitivity towards her.

Fine if you are all hunky dory in your relationship, but this isn't about you.

Also, not every woman feels good about having to push their DP away, and say Fuck off leave me alone like a sledgehammer. Some people feel that might have a big effect on the rest of the relationship, and maybe try to take a more tactful approach. Clearly being sensitive and tactful doesn't always work -well I'd say that was the man's fault for having the skin of a rhino and not having the intelligence to deal with it, not the woman's for trying to be a bit nice about it. Been there, done that, and glad to be out of it!

[Vivacia]

Yes really! I can't imagine the man I trust with mine and our children's lives doing anything that would ever make me uncomfortable

I read that, looked over at the man I love and asked myself, "Why do I find it easy to imagine?".

I find it easy to imagine because I can think of at least two men who did.

Anyway, more relevant to the OP, how about, "Your partner has carte blanche to pinch your nipple whenever you feel like it, regardless of how you are feeling or what you are doing?"

[BelleateSebastian]

Vivacia Sun 02-Nov-14 11:27:02

Really? You can't imagine somewhere he could touch you without your consent that would make you feel even slightly uncomfortable?

Yes really! I can't imagine the man I trust with mine and our children's lives doing anything that would ever make me uncomfortable.

I'm not minimising what the op feels, but in a loving equal relationship a pissed clumsy attempt at sex shouldn't make her feel this awful - hence my comment there must be something deeper.

off to reread the original op as maybe I have missed something

[Vivacia]

Ha! "whenever he feels like it".

[Vivacia]

Your partner has carte blanche to pinch your nipple whenever you feel like it, regardless of how you are feeling or what you are doing?

[Vivacia]

There must be a way deeper issue, like someone said I can't imagine my DH touching me in any way ever that made me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable.

Really? You can't imagine somewhere he could touch you without your consent that would make you feel even slightly uncomfortable?

[Vivacia]

Op asked for opinions.

On the situation described. She didn't ask, "what would you think if something similar, but not the same, had happened in PurpleSwift's relationship".

There was nothing in my post that was unkind.

Some of us think it's unkind to make a person doubt themselves. It's kind to teach others "your body, your rules".

I'm just suggesting that if she is literally left "shaken up" by the touch of her own boyfriend then something is wrong between them and it needs to be discussed.

But this is about "touch". It's about a sequence of touches, in certain places combined with the whole verbal and non-verbal communication between the two of them.

Now, are you being deliberately obtuse and do you have an agenda to push here?

[Itsfab]

PurpleSwift - you said she over reacted. I feel that is unkind as you are dismissing her feelings and implying there is more to it. What she has said is enough for her to feel the way she does as she is right to feel anything she feels. as is everyone. We are all allowed our own feelings.

[BelleateSebastian]

purpleswift I woke up this morning thinking about this thread, I agree with your posts 100% but was scared to post it myself in case I was accused of 'victim blaming'.

If my DH did that (and was a bit pissed) and I wasn't interested I would probably say 'fuck off I mean it' he would probably laugh and roll over, if I gave a few half hearted 'no's' he would (rightly) presume there was a chance and keep trying until I 'succumbed' to his advances or uttered the aforementioned 'fuck off'!

There must be a way deeper issue, like someone said I can't imagine my DH touching me in any way ever that made me feel the slightest bit uncomfortable.

[PurpleSwift]

Op asked for opinions. There was nothing in my post that was unkind. I'm just suggesting that if she is literally left "shaken up" by the touch of her own boyfriend then something is wrong between them and it needs to be discussed.

[PurpleSwift]

How am I being unkind and unfair?

[Itsfab]

"....about her past. OP said he never behaved like that before. I see that it causes her pain. Perhaps I am stronger and would have sorted it out myself."

optimistic - I think you have been totally out of order on this thread with the OP. Blaming her for her feelings and reactions, putting her down by insinuating she is not strong.

I am sorry you were raped. It does not mean you are the oracle on how every women should act in her physical relationship with her partner.

PurpleSwift - you are being very unkind and unfair too.

Newsflash - not everyone who has an experience of any sort will react to another in the same way as you. It does not make them wrong or weaker than you. It just means they are different.

[Itsfab]

"Itsfab, most of the time people post in Relationships about their problems. You, on the other hand, don't look like you have problems with your DH. So do you just pop in to give an advice?"

optimistic - what is your problem? Having a sulk because I disagreed with what you posted. You don't own the board and posters can read and post in any topic they like. Hell, I even post in The Doghouse sometimes and I don't have a dog!!!

[Anniegetyourgun]

I'd be more than mildly annoyed, I'd be fucking furious if I had to go and sleep on the sofa as the only way to avoid unwanted sex. A person should have the right to sleep comfortably in their own bed, surely.

I suppose the OP is expected to be humbly grateful that he let her leave the room

[Lweji]

Can you imagine a scenario where you really don't want sex, your partner keeps insisting to the point of rubbing his genitals against your bum and you have to get out of bed for it to stop and he still gropes you?
Would that mildly annoy you?

[PurpleSwift]

This would be a non issue for me. It would mildly irritate me, but I can't imagine a scenario where my OH's touch would literally have me shaken up.

I'd say you were over reacting or there was a more sinister atmosphere in your scenario that you don't/can't express. I'd say there is something wrong if this has upset you so much.

[Lweji]

Also paraphrasing

He's a pig for ignoring your nos, regardless of your past.
In fact, he's a pig for pushing it in face of your lack of enthusiastic consent.

There are ways of initiating sex, ascertaining if the other person is in the mood or putting them in the mood without groping or thrusting a penis against one's bum area.

For example, I can get quickly turned on, but somehow I also get quickly turned off when the man thinks he can just go ahead to certain areas before he knows I do want sex.
You are perfectly entitled to reject a man who does not respect your body and your will.
I doubt he ever will.