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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP touched me when I didn't want him to.

106 replies

WestEast · 01/11/2014 01:00

Don't seem to be able to name change, so fuck it. May be long, don't want to drip feed.

DP worked away Thursday, only saw him for twenty mins or so in the morning, came home Friday evening, saw him for half an hour and he went on a works leaving do.
He came home about half 11, had had a drink but in no way pissed. Tried chatting, as we've not seen each other properly and it was like getting blood from a stone, he was more interested in his pizza.
Went to bed, I sleep naked, him in his pants. I curled up on my right with him behind me, me laid on his right arm, with it round me. He started kissing my neck and feeling my breasts, I said no, he stopped and I drew my knees up to make it even more clear. About 30 seconds passed and he started touching my breasts again, pulling on my nipple, I made a 'nuh-uh' noise as I was shocked he was trying again, I just laid there. He 'rearranged' himself and started pushing himself into my back/bum area.
I laid there not reacting for about a minute and he started laughing to himself. I moved and sat on the edge of the bed, I told him I said no and then he touched me again when it was clear I didn't want touching like that.
He said sorry, I left the room, he's now fast asleep and I'm on the sofa. I can still feel where he was touching me.
Am I over reacting? I feel like he's crossed a massive line, I said no. I'm sat on the sofa shaking and he's happily asleep, knowing that he upset me.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 01/11/2014 18:49

Bollox, sorry for War and Peace!

Vivacia · 01/11/2014 19:05

Sorry, I think you're overreacting.Sorry, I think you're overreacting

The problem with this is it sounds as though you think a woman is over-reacting when her supposedly loving, intimate partner pinches her nipples after being told "no" repeatedly verbally and non-verbally. And then he laughs. Makes me wonder what you would consider a proportionate response.

WestEast · 01/11/2014 19:07

That makes sense to me daisy it was like he expected me to spring into action, he wanted sex therefore I should be having sex with him. And he pushed it.

OP posts:
socially · 01/11/2014 19:08

Well if it were my partner I would probably tell him to fuck off, and think no more of it.

But evidently there's background here and only the OP knows what is normal in her relationship.

Vivacia · 01/11/2014 19:38

How many times do you think a woman has to say "no" and be ignored before it stops being an overreaction? Not in your relationship, as a general rule?

socially · 01/11/2014 19:44

I think it depends on the circumstances.

But let's not derail the thread.

Vivacia · 01/11/2014 20:00

I understand that your decision is not to answer, and I agree with you completely about not derailing any further. I didn't want to leave this unchallenged though,
Sorry, I think you're overreacting.

Lweji · 01/11/2014 20:49

He sounded like he had a couple of clumsy goes at initiating sex, before he got that you didn't want it.

A couple?

I am counting four "attempts", three after the OP said no, three after she physically put distance between her and him by pulling her knees up, two after she didn't react at all (instead of showing willingness), and one after she put even more distance by sitting on the bed.

Overreacting?

optimistikcolouristik · 01/11/2014 20:52

Wish my DH was a bit like that in bed as he doesn't want to touch me. I miss it. I know you will not understand it but I have not had it for ages.

Vivacia · 01/11/2014 20:55

This thread is probably not the right time and place to discuss it though optimistic

optimistikcolouristik · 01/11/2014 20:56

I know I will be attacked for what I had said earlier but think OP a little bit overreacts. I have had moments when my DH didn't get "no" but I didn't try to make so much noise about it.

Yarp · 01/11/2014 20:57

Vivacia

Vivacia · 01/11/2014 21:03

I know I will be attacked for what I had said earlier but think OP a little bit overreacts.

The pluperfect tense there suggests you posted a while ago. Are you posting under more than one name?

I have had moments when my DH didn't get "no" but I didn't try to make so much noise about it.

I'm not sure what your point is.

Itsfab · 01/11/2014 21:08

OP - it really does not matter what anyone else on here thinks it is or how they would feel if it happened to them or even what the law says. YOU feel what you feel and that is all that matters.

I do think it is bollocks though that he doesn't get the issue for you. He DOES get it he just doesn't want to accept he is like any other man who won't take no for an answer.

I have never had to say no twice to my DH as once is enough. TBH mostly we discuss it before we have sex anyway so we both know that we both want it. With respect, no comments about spontaneity etc, it is our relationship and life.

optimistikcolouristik · 01/11/2014 21:10

Yes Vivacia, true but the problem is blown out of its prproportion. He got excited by her naked body next to him and was a bit persistent (drunk). Eventually he stopped. OP is pissed off but no need to post about it here. Just talk to him. It might grow into LTB. Whatever.

Itsfab · 01/11/2014 21:10

optimistik - did you mean to sound like you were victim blaming?

optimistikcolouristik · 01/11/2014 21:20

Vivacia, no I am not posting under another name. Why would I? Just think OP's problem can easily grow into a LTB. Some answers just add the oil to the flame.

optimistikcolouristik · 01/11/2014 21:22

I think some of you really overreacting or may be I don't understand it anymore. I will read it through and see what is wrong with me.

thisisnotmyusername · 01/11/2014 21:22

I had this from my ex. Thought I was overreacting, no big deal, he's just a man, hard to control himself etc... He turned out to be a rapist btw.

Vivacia · 01/11/2014 21:23

Some answers just add the oil to the flame.

Whereas your advice is for her to stop making a fuss? Shut up and put up?

optimistikcolouristik · 01/11/2014 21:26

Itsfab, most of the time people post in Relationships about their problems. You, on the other hand, don't look like you have problems with your DH. So do you just pop in to give an advice?

WestEast · 01/11/2014 21:30

optimistik I posted this because I didn't know how I was feeling or how to work through my feelings. I wanted different women's opinions, experiences, as a way of understanding my own. You have a different opinion to most, fair enough, that's yours to have.
But thank you to other for letting me muddle through my thoughts.

OP posts:
optimistikcolouristik · 01/11/2014 21:30

Vivacia, you are a bit aggressive I would say.

optimistikcolouristik · 01/11/2014 21:33

WestEast, I know you have been annoyed by his actions. Just here you might get advice which might make you even more against your DH.

Vivacia · 01/11/2014 21:33

I'm sorry you found me aggressive. I hope now you know I'm not intending to be aggressive you'll feel able to answer my questions.