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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my dh being unreasonable to ask me to stop drinking wine?

316 replies

40thisisit · 30/10/2014 19:06

I won't pretend that I don't love white wine and yes on occasion may drink too much. But it's my only vice in life. I work hard during the week (am a chemistry teacher), run twice a week, eat healthily and also have 3 dd's to look after. I see my wine time at weekends and school holidays as a little time for me to relax. He thinks I'm shortening my life and has said he's going to give up wine and wants me to join him. AIBU to tell him to go whistle???Wine

OP posts:
catseyes10 · 30/10/2014 20:44

I really don't see a problem with that.

catseyes10 · 30/10/2014 20:46

But has your dh asked you to cut down because he is and that's his new way of life and thinks everyone should follow suit , or because he actually thinks you're having too much?

PigletJohn · 30/10/2014 20:48

Living with someone who regularly necks a bottle of wine in an evening is no fun.

Hippychickster · 30/10/2014 20:58

Are you me OP? Apart from the fact that I'm a maths teacher, my kids have left home and I run 3 times a week, everything in your OP is like me. My DH doesn't mind though.

Dad257 · 30/10/2014 21:17

Physiologically it isn't that great - the alcohol puts a lot of stress on your body two days a week, and a cumulative stress as these are consecutive nights.

Mentally - if the thought of not having the wine on a Friday and Saturday makes you unhappy, then you have a dependency. If you feel you could give it up and not drink tomorrow, try it for a night.

Preciousbane · 30/10/2014 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolfiefan · 30/10/2014 21:26

OP the fact you haven't responded to any questions makes me suspect you know there is an issue.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 30/10/2014 21:30

Have your drink life if too short. Only you know if it is having a detrimental effect on your life. But have the conversation with your partner.

Sickoffrozen · 30/10/2014 21:42

I wonder what the response would be if her husband had told her to lose weight because she was too fat and putting her health at risk. All of a sudden it becomes a different argument yet obesity is a much bigger risk to health than going maybe 6/7 units a week over the recommended maximum units of alcohol. You could almost guarantee that some responses would be "well you can lose 12st" straight away.

I know an alcohol and drug dependency counsellor who deals with people who drink in excess of 200 units a week. The OP is drinking maybe 10% of that.

If it really is affecting your relationship then ok maybe the advice on here is justified but if I isn't then I'm sorry but when have women had to do what their husband says just because he wants to stop!

Doilooklikeatourist · 30/10/2014 21:42

Well I think it's up to you
You like a glass or two bottleof wine to help you relax , I do too and I don't see a problem
Your DH does , but that's his issue ,
I drink about the same amount of wine as you , DH likes a drink as well , but occasionally says to me that he thinks I drink too much , but I'm an adult and can do as I wish
Government guidelines ? Make your own mind up .
Do you think you have a problem ?
I think it's a normal amount

holdyourown · 30/10/2014 21:51

I suppose that's one way to look at it, at least you don't drink 200 units per week Hmm

Meerka · 30/10/2014 22:14

the OP hasnt posted in a while.

sickoffrozen you make a good point about obesity. Obesity though is a slower-gain situation. But it's still a serious health condition and it's been side tracked by politics. In the end both are problems, drinking is a bit more immediate though because it affects immediate behaviour.

stargirl1701 · 30/10/2014 22:23

Seems pretty normal for a teacher, tbh. Most teachers I know don't drink during the week and then drink on Fri and Sat night. It will be very normal if discussed in the Staffroom.

arsenaltilidie · 30/10/2014 22:32

Sound like a lot for 2 days in row, unless you are very young.
And there is the hangover that ruins the whole day.

Also lets be honest, no one ever tells the truth about how much they drink.

Sickofffrozen i think you'd still get the same response if a partner is concerned about weight and the response was i"I only a whole pizza twice a week"

ScaryZ · 30/10/2014 22:36

To be fair, if my dh was worried about me eating too much, or not taking any exercise, or not taking any notice of medical advice for an issue I might have, I still hope I would talk to him and (presuming he isn't a controlling knob) at least take his concerns into consideration.

Sallystyle · 30/10/2014 22:55

It would be a huge problem for me if my husband drank that much. I would wonder why the hell he needed to drink a whole bottle to relax. He would certainly love to drink that much though, but knows he has a problem with alcohol.

I am not a drinker but I can see having a glass a night or something, but a whole bottle? It is also really boring to sit with someone who is drinking that much when you aren't. It's no fun at all.

I don't think it is a normal amount at all. Only on MN's have I heard people regularly drinking a bottle of wine a night. I don't think it's about the amount you drink but the attitude towards it. I also don't understand how so many people would have something negative to say if someone was eating a take away every night but apparently it is ok to drink that much wine. I do think there is a double standard when it comes to alcohol.

Unless your husband is known to be controlling then I would listen to him, he might have a valid point and it might be more about your attitude towards it than how much you drink that worries him. My husband isn't controlling so if he was worried about something I would listen and ask myself if he has a valid point.

Annarose2014 · 30/10/2014 23:31

My DH & I were headed down that road last year. We made our own wine, so a) it was practically free, and b) there was gallons of it.

So on Friday nights, we'd end up necking a bottle each without noticing. You start at 7pm...easy.

Then there started to be a 2nd night too......we had great fun! Everything on TV was hilarious!

I got pregnant & quit alcohol immediately. It was shocking how difficult it was to unwind without it. And it was purely mental, as even the thoughts of the taste made me feel sick! DH cut waaaaay down too. He now has maybe three glasses a week. But honestly for the first month I missed it desperately, & TV seemed utter shite and everything was so boring. So yeah....that was troubling!

I hope our relationship with wine never reverts back in the future. It was all good fun at the time, but its only when you try to relax without it that you realise how important it made itself to you.

BettyNettle · 30/10/2014 23:41

A bottle a night is a lot in my book too, especially for a night in. I'd have a bottle of wine plus maybe a cocktail on a rare big night out tbh and I would call that binge drinking.

Am curious though, doesn't it affect you physically? If I drink that much I am raging drunk, have an awful hangover in the morning, and am extremely tired all day. (I just have other vices...)

BackforGood · 30/10/2014 23:49

Really stargirl ?
Not in any of the staffrooms I've worked.
Not with any of my many, many friends in the profession.

Viviennemary · 30/10/2014 23:54

Depends on how much wine you are drinking. A bottle in one go is binge drinking. End of.

Athrawes · 30/10/2014 23:58

Yes BackforGood I'd say very normal indeed in our staff room and in others I have been in. Session starts at 4pm.

Regarding the OP; the quantity is less the issue than the relationship that you have with the alcohol. If you NEEEEEED it then it could be a problem. If you feel all fidgetty and cross if you are stopped from having a drink then it could be a problem.

How about cutting down - a win win for your health and for your husbands temple like dispositions. Or half and half the wine (if white) with soda - for me this satisfies my "need" for a glass of wine whilst reducing the alcohol/extending the bottle.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/10/2014 23:59

Firstly, for yourself, consider if the amount you drink is causing any problems. Is buying wine putting a strain on the family budget? Are you more short-tempered the morning after? Do you find yourself having to apologise to H or kids for things you said/did while drunk?

Secondly, how is your relationship with H otherwise? Does he consider himself the head of the household who must be obeyed? Is he constantly picking at you over different aspects of your behaviour that need to be improved? Does he pull his weight domestically and treat you with kindness and courtesy?

(oh and do ignore the crap about WAAA but what if you have to DRIVE! Plenty of people manage to exist - and be perfectly competent parents - without even owning a car.)

Viviennemary · 31/10/2014 00:07

Cannot believe how much people are in denial in about how much alcohol is safe. Just because x drinks a lot more than you doesn't mean you're not drinking too much. It's very worrying how folk think a bottle of wine downed in one evening every single weekend is OK. It most certainly is not.

Lweji · 31/10/2014 00:31

Athrawes

It may be "normal" for you and your local peers, but it doesn't make it healthy or harmless.

Annarose2014 · 31/10/2014 00:36

Also, to put it into context...thats at least 104 bottles of wine a year. Even if you never have any other occasion to drink.