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Original poster

Is my dh being unreasonable to ask me to stop drinking wine?

316 replies

40thisisit · 30/10/2014 19:06

I won't pretend that I don't love white wine and yes on occasion may drink too much. But it's my only vice in life. I work hard during the week (am a chemistry teacher), run twice a week, eat healthily and also have 3 dd's to look after. I see my wine time at weekends and school holidays as a little time for me to relax. He thinks I'm shortening my life and has said he's going to give up wine and wants me to join him. AIBU to tell him to go whistle???Wine

OP posts:
furcoatbigknickers · 30/10/2014 19:30

Omg ltb... What a bastard. I for one would rather live a slightly shorter life but enjoy.Wine

Stripyhoglets · 30/10/2014 19:30

A bottle a night is a lot really, back when I could drink wine I'd be blotto on that much wine a night and really hungover all the next day, but I do have friends who can drink much more than that in one go. I can see why he's asked you to cut down tbh.

MadeMan · 30/10/2014 19:30

Maybe he wants you to join him so he won't be tempted to have a glass; a bit like when someone wants to give up the fags.

Not sure the life shortening excuse is valid; I thought wine was supposed to be a life enhancer (unless your swigging Liebfraumilch from the bottle by the kerbside).

Mrsgrumble · 30/10/2014 19:33

I'm a bit stick on this one. My dh doesn't drink and jokingly comments if I have a glass. However, two full bottles every weekend and in holidays is a lot.

I would buy one good bottle to have over the weekend.

Poofus · 30/10/2014 19:33

That's a lot of wine in one go. I'd be concerned if my DP was drinking that much.

ShadowKat · 30/10/2014 19:33

2 bottles in 2 nights does sound like a lot like binge drinking to me (unless by any chance you mean the little bottles that just contain a single glass worth of wine?) and something that could potentially be damaging your health.

Maybe try giving it up for a month or two and see how that goes?

Finola1step · 30/10/2014 19:34

A bottle each Friday and Saturday night does sound a lot in such a short space of time.

How does it make you feel? Does it barely touch the sides or do you drink to fall asleep?

How do you feel in the mornings?

furcoatbigknickers · 30/10/2014 19:35

I think its normal.

ScaryZ · 30/10/2014 19:36

It's not two bottles of wine a week though, really. It's two bottles in two nights. Enough to make you (as googie says) very boring, just sitting and drinking steadily on your own.

And if you add a few special occasions, and possibly more in the holidays, then it is very much over guidelines.

Lweji · 30/10/2014 19:38

I'd say it's not so much the weekly amount but that you do drink an entire bottle in one go, two nights in a row, with possibly more on holiday.

From www.patient.co.uk/health/alcohol-and-sensible-drinking
Women should drink no more than 14 units of alcohol per week, no more than 3 units in any one day, and have at least two alcohol-free days a week.
a 750 ml bottle of 12% wine contains 9 units. If you drink two bottles of 12% wine over a week, that is 18 units. This is above the upper safe limit for a woman.

In fact, it's 4 units above it, and the 9 units in one go is 6 units (200%) more than you should per day. IF the wine is 12%.

As you are drinking a lot in one go, the liver is forced to work harder, and that is why there is a relatively small daily limit of "only" 3 units per day,

He would be unreasonable to force you to stop, but I do think you should reduce it.

It's entirely up to you.

MrsTerrorPratchett · 30/10/2014 19:39

What would worry me is that, almost regardless of amount, you are choosing to spend your free time emotionally unavailable to your partner. You want to be sober for work, why? Because you are more effective, present, intelligent, interesting sober? Why does your partner not get any of that?

BackforGood · 30/10/2014 19:39

There are always some widely varying opinions on here as to what constitutes 'a lot' or 'too much' drink.

Personally, I think drinking a whole bottle of wine to yourself in one go is a lot. Doing so twice a week, every week (+ more in the holidays) takes it into worrying amounts, yes.

If my dh were drinking that much, then I'd want to talk to him about it, and try to get him to cut down too. If he couldn't (wouldn't?) then I'd think he had a problem, yes.

Lweji · 30/10/2014 19:41

I think you should also ask yourself why you need that much wine to "relax".

Original poster
40thisisit · 30/10/2014 19:45

Thank you all for your lovely replies, they've given me lots to think about....

OP posts:
KillDeathMaimTronic · 30/10/2014 19:45

Yes it probably is too much in one go.

Having said that though, I don't know anyone who sticks to no more than 3 units in any one go. No-one would ever have more than 1.5 glasses of wine if they did. A pint of cider is probably over that amount.

Which begs the question why anyone drinks alcohol at all really. Because no-one's supposed to even get tipsy, never mind drunk.

Wolfiefan · 30/10/2014 19:46

Do you think he has a point 40?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/10/2014 19:46

I don't know the impact that it's having on your husband/family but your husband clearly thinks there is a problem. I personally think that regular drinking can be a problem and, if you're not able to take your share of driving and ferrying the kids round at the weekend, yes, he has a point.

I wonder if you're using the dismissive 'body as a temple' as a way of thumbing your nose at your husband and giving yourself permission to drink that much? Clearly he thinks it's too much, I do too but then I'm teetotal so no judge but it sounds an awful lot. Can you talk to him calmly and maybe come to some compromise?

Sickoffrozen · 30/10/2014 19:53

Jesus the alcohol police are out in force tonight. Where do the government get these figures from? Has anyone ever asked that? How do they measure a unit?

In France, the advice is no more than 3 drinks a day. In Spain no more than 5 drinks a day.

So for me if I were you I would switch on the Spanish guidelines at the weekend and United Arab Emirates guideline of nil in the week...

ICantFindAFreeNickName · 30/10/2014 19:54

As a non drinker, I don't think it sounds like too much. I know most my friends would drink a lot more on a night out. Did your husband drink before?

flowery · 30/10/2014 19:58

There's a happy medium, surely? You don't (or shouldn't) need a whole bottle of wine to relax, but neither do you have to give up entirely.

(Mind you, this is coming from someone who never understands the gigantic big deal some women make about not being able to drink as much/at all during pregnancy, like there is some major hardship involved.)

ScaryZ · 30/10/2014 19:59

I think there is a difference between having a full bottle the odd time, and always finishing the bottle, iyswim.

A while ago I realised that, once opened, I always finished the bottle. And then I found that if I didn't have any in at the weekend I had an urge to go up to the off-licence. I suddenly realised I was moving from "the odd glass because I efound it relaxing" to "the odd bottle because I needed it to relax".

I stopped for a while, just to see if I could, and I was surprised how much I missed it, so although I now am drinking again I'm much more aware of quantities.

It can, for some people, be a slippery slope. And often the first sign is that a partner is bothered by it.

scarevola · 30/10/2014 20:01

5 drinks a day is half a bottle of wine. Even in Spain, OP is drinking twice the guideline at weekends and for an unspecified amount of the holidays.

If this is all that her DH is asking her to change, then he's not being unreasonable, especially I he is making hi case tactfully and (as it seems) he's offering support.

If he's asking for a lot of changes, then it might all seem rather different in terms of what it means for the relationship.

BuggersMuddle · 30/10/2014 20:05

I don't think it's too awful in terms of the overall quantity (yes above the guidelines etc. but not massively so).

Having said that, it's a fair amount in one sitting so does it affect your behaviour substantially (you might feel fine, but be acting fairly drunk).

The other thing is whether it otherwise impacts family life. Are you up & fresh the next day or lying in a bit hungover?

If it's genuinely the life shortening reason, I think he's being a bit OTT, but perhaps you could compromise by splitting a bottle over the two nights so that you're not noticeably merry while he's stone cold sober?

daisychainmail · 30/10/2014 20:05

Ok, I'm obviously from a different cultural niche than the other posters, but you're really not drinking too much. He's being ridiculous. Wine

Meerka · 30/10/2014 20:10

40, are you being quite honest with yourself about how much you drink?

What are the ' special occasions' when you drink in the week? is it really only every now and then (ie, once a month or so) or is there a special occasion twice a week?

Is your husband generally helpful and supportive of you?

If he has a problem with how much you're drinking, you may have a problem (and 2 bottles in 2 nights is quite a lot, though not crazy, but it's more than is ideal).

If nothing else, you need to listen to him and really hear him and think carefully about what you're doing because he's your life-partner. Not saying he's automatically right. But if he has a problem with your alcohol intake, you both have a problem and need to work out what's justified and what's not.

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