Is my dh being unreasonable to ask me to stop drinking wine?

[40thisisit]

I won't pretend that I don't love white wine and yes on occasion may drink too much. But it's my only vice in life. I work hard during the week (am a chemistry teacher), run twice a week, eat healthily and also have 3 dd's to look after. I see my wine time at weekends and school holidays as a little time for me to relax. He thinks I'm shortening my life and has said he's going to give up wine and wants me to join him. AIBU to tell him to go whistle???

Maybe your DH finds it really irritating to spend every weekend with a drunken partner who can't remember the conversation you had last night & is hungover in the morning? If a woman came on saying her DP got drunk Fri & Sat night every weekend and refuses to consider stopping then the thread would be full of LTB.

He is being unreasonable telling you to stop altogether but you should think seriously about the wider impact this is having on you relationship & family time. If you did cut it out for a couple of months you'd probably find your tolerance had gone down and one or two glasses was enough anyway.

try some of the lighter white wines -not a huge range but there are some decent ones under 10% proof

Unless the OP comes back and gives us more information - like how much she drinks whilst on school holidays/special occasions etc - I don't see what else people can really say.

Given that AA is unscientific nonsense from start to finish, I think any advice based on 12-step bullshit can be disregarded.

Also there are some very normative, smug, unthinking assumptions here -
the one about driving which is always trotted out and is patently ridiculous - if you need to go somewhere and have drunk too much to drive, you do what all those people who don't own cars but still live entirely normal lives do and get a bus or call a minicab.

Then there's the one about being 'emotionally unavailable' to the H which is assuming that he is 'emotionally available' to the OP rather than playing computer games, wanking in his study or off at the gym.
And then all the waa, blaaaaa, you're damaging your health. We are all going to die sooner or later and our bodies belong to us, not our partners, nor the government (no matter how much the current lot would like to consider just about everyone as serfs to be disciplined and controlled).
If your drinking is causing you problems, or if it is causing ongoing problems for other people (you become aggressive/you can't afford it/you are not fulfilling commitments) then it's time to cut down or stop. But if your H is having a go because he thinks you are insufficiently obedient and have got hold of the ridiculous idea that he is not your owner, then that's a different matter.

Yes, we're all going to die sooner or later. Personally I'd rather not die of cirrhosis of the liver, as a close relative of mine did, because it was horrible for all concerned. My relative died in his late 60s and did not see any of his grandchildren grow up. His widow has had a lonely time since. And yes, it was caused by drinking too much alcohol over a long period.

Drink to excess does affect your health. But if you are OK with that then who is anyone on MN to give you a lecture. But don't say you weren't warned.

I'm genuinely shocked at some of the amounts people drink on here and I'm in my 20s with no children. I must be seriously boring.

Honestly, I would be concerned if someone I knew was drinking that amount. Every once in a while is fine but every weekend seems likes a lot. If your husband wants to give up I'm assuming he must drink quite a lot as well. I do think it's unreasonable to ask you to stop completely though.

Why are some posters so defensive/aggressive? It's OP's thread about her drinking and what her husband's view of that is.

I couldn't care less what people drink as long as they're not drunk around me; I hate that. If you need to try to justify your drinking to people who haven't even asked you about it then maybe there is a reason for that.

I knew two heavy drinkers, both of them died early, I suppose in their 40's. They were both very offended by anyone trying to speak to them about it. I currently know one, who was taken to hospital pissing blood after his last binge, and will die after his next. He has currently been dry for a year, which is great. But we all have to die sometime, so what does it matter?

IME, people who regularly neck a bottle of wine in an evening are witty, sparkling, fun loving, sociable and great company

but only inside their own heads

I care even when strangers drink to excess and think it won't affect their health. It's the thinking it won't affect them and they never have a hangover which a medical person told me is actually a bad sign because it shows your body's tolerance to alcohol is becoming less sensitive. But the liver damage will continue and probably won't have any symptoms till it gets serious. Not good.

This isn't really about how much the OP drinks. Her DH wants to stop drinking wine and wants her to do it too.

Does he actually want to give up booze altogether? Does he have a problem with it? Is it a cost thing?

I wouldn't say your drinking is excessive - but then again I'm not a doctor. I drink the same over 3 nights at the weekend, usually, but am sure I've done it over 2 as well! And don't we all eat and drink more than we should on holiday?

He can ask, but unless the OP is drinking more than she's admitting to, or turns nasty after a couple of drinks, in the nicest possible way, I would tell him to whistle. It's entirely his choice if he wants to stop.

I'm genuinely shocked at some of the amounts people drink on here and I'm in my 20s with no children. I must be seriously boring.

Me too. I'm in my thirties with no children. A bottle of wine lasts me a week to 10 days. An ex of mine used to drink between four and five bottles of wine a week (and he drank every night). He had a highly paid responsible job. When I suggested that he cut down on his drinking he went absolutely mental. I believe he had developed a dependency by then.

His argument was that his drinking didn't matter because he went to the gym a lot.

I don't think a bottle of wine on an evening weekend is excessive at all. I know a lot of teachers people who drink every evening and it is their norm.

I don't think you should quit altogether unless you want to but you should maybe just have one glass instead of one bottle.

If that's a struggle then maybe you do have a problem.

Piglet talks sense.
We do all have to die at some point. I don't want to eat, smoke, drink myself to death.
Not saying I never have a glass of wine or slice of cake but I'm not dependant on them.

I don't think its a lot either.

I have a bottle on Saturday and many a time fri/sun if we have guests. I don't need a drink in the week but love to kick back a relax with nice bottle at weekend

As I say I don't drink at the moment but it's not unknown for me to finish a bottle of wine over the course of an evening (although it's also that not that much of a regular occurrence)

Depends on my level of tiredness, where I am in my cycle [I get pissed so easy if I am on my period], what I have eaten but I can quite easily drink a bottle of wine over the course of a 4-5 hour period and not be droopy eyed and slurring, nor will I feel like shit the next day.

Everyone has a different tolerance.

Hi I'm back, wow so many posts!!! Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Ok to answer some of your questions.......I will usually open a bottle at about 6.30pm and it will last me until about 11pm, this rarely makes me feel tipsy, let alone drunk. Special occasions may be once every 4 months when we see family or go to a party. Dh has now decided he wants to stop drinking wine as he wants to look after himself and said he was worried if he died (god knows why the morbid thoughts), he'd like to rest in the knowledge I would be capable of living a long time to look after our 3 dd's! I certainly drink a lot now then when I was at Uni and it is so interesting to see every-ones greatly varying opinions on what is too much!!!

Maybe half it? Have a bottle per weekend?

solid two wrongs don't make it right. All addictions/behaviours that negatively impact a relationship (as flagged by a partner) need to be brought into check, addressed and determined appropriate or not for that couple for the sake of their specific relationship....every couple has their own balance.

As I said before the what, when, how, quantity etc of the drink/activity is irrelevant - it is the impact on the relationship that determines if it is a problem or not for that person/partnership.

The OP is an intelligent woman - she can make her own informed decisions about how she chooses to reward herself and relax - ie by positive activities or negative - also the risks she chooses to take with her own health by her "heavy drinking" (as determined by health professionals - she is consuming 10 units in an evening - when the safe LIMIT is 3)....is her call.

Although I am alarmed that she seems to believe that her approach to diet and exercise will somehow compensate -- if you look at the extensive list below - (except for BP & Obesity) - her "healthy lifestyle" will not prevent the following:

www.patient.co.uk/health/alcohol-and-sensible-drinking

If you drink heavily you have an increased risk of developing:

Hepatitis (inflammation of the liver).
Cirrhosis (scarred liver). Up to 3 in 10 long-term heavy drinkers develop cirrhosis.
Some cancers (mouth, gullet, liver, colon and breast).
Stomach disorders.
Pancreatitis (severe inflammation of the pancreas).
Mental health problems, including depression, anxiety, and various other problems.
Wernicke's encephalopathy - an alcohol-related brain disorder treated with thiamine (vitamin B1).
Sexual difficulties such as impotence.
Muscle and heart muscle disease.
High blood pressure.
Damage to nervous tissue.
Accidents - drinking alcohol is associated with a much increased risk of accidents. In particular, injury and death from fire and car crashes. About 1 in 7 road deaths are caused by drinking alcohol.
Obesity (alcohol is calorie-rich). One glass of wine has as many calories as a bag of crisps and a pint of lager is the calorie equivalent of a sausage roll.
Damage to an unborn baby in pregnant women.
Alcohol dependence (addiction).
In the UK about 33,000 deaths a year are related to drinking alcohol, a quarter due to accidents.

I am not a tub thumper -- I have a problem myself which I am trying to tackle.

For me, the message here isn't about how much is right, it's the fact that your DH thinks it's important enough to him that you both stop. I'd want to get to the bottom of that to find out why.

I would be upset if DP drank that much every weekend, not just in terms of his health, but because people change when they drink and it's not nice writing your weekend off because someone decides to down a bottle of wine each evening, with no regard for everyone else.

I also think it's a bit disconcerting that you can drink an entire bottle of wine and not feel affected by it. That seems like you've built up a lot of tolerance, which really isn't healthy OP. Sorry - I think your DH has a point here.

I'm amazed how many people think a whole bottle in one evening isn't a lot. Perhaps it's the same as people who reassure themselves or their friends that size 16 is normal therefore fine.

It is a lot. But what are you like after a bottle if wine? Do you tend to argue then? Are you aggressive or weepy? I'm not sure I buy this body is a temple stuff...

I try to drink less than that I must say - apart from anything else it would make me fat. I do worry about dp's drinking and my own, and over the years he seems to have taken this on board. I hate it when he's drunk / tipsy, I feel embarassed for him, and also abandoned. Fact that dps had bad drink issues probably sensitised me for life, but not sure I'd be cool with it even if not. Seems so juvenile. Maybe OP you don't get drunk but whole bottle in a go would arouse concern in a loving partner I think