Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

I think I've made a massive mistake

99 replies

PeterManion · 25/10/2014 20:22

I have been with DH for seven years, married for one. The whole Ched Evans thing in the press brought a previous experience of mine to the surface and after a long conversation about sexual assault with DH, I confessed that I had experienced something I felt was an assault.

Before meeting DH, I had been in a long term relationship and I had lost my partner to cancer. After he died, I went off the rails somewhat. I was bereaved, hurting and lonely. I did some things which I am not proud of. One of these was having a one night stand. I had had too much to drink and was not at all in control. I went out for some drinks with some work colleagues, but felt reasonably safe. However, I awoke the next morning in my flat to find a guy from work in my bed with me. I was unclothed and extensively cut and bruised ( I still have scars). I got him out of my flat as quickly as possible and drew a line under it. I have never asked him about what happened. I have never talked to anyone about it.

To this day, I am still not certain what occurred, but have felt somewhat taken advantage of in my vulnerable state. I could not say that I was raped, but feel that this person took advantage of me. I have to see him very day at work. He makes me feel like an absolute stain.

I have always felt confused about this experience and am incredibly uncomfortable around this man. My overwhelming feeling is that my boundaries were breached. That I was in no state to consent to anything and he used this to his advantage.

Anyway, after discussing the Ched Evans case with DH, this all came out. And I was utterly shocked at his response. I fully expected him to empathise. He did not. He got really angry. He hit me with a barrage of questions and because my experience was about how I FELT about the ONS, because I had nothing I felt I could take to the police, he questioned me quite aggressively. I was left feeling that I had to justify my actions to him. Basically, if I was not certain I was raped, then I shouldn't be complaining.

I feel crushed that the person I should be able to trust most of all turned away from me when I confessed something difficult and private. I have never told anyone else about this before. I was so unspeakably hurt by his response. It has impacted on how I interact with him. I cannot continue as normal and be loving and affectionate. I am so, so hurt. He is not the man I thought he was. I am questioning the future of my marriage.

He can barely look at me now. He seems to be on the verge of ending the relationship because he thinks I have no reason to be hurt. But did I really "ask for it"?

I am so overwhelmed and confused.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/10/2014 20:26

I'm so sorry that he reacted like this. Of course he shouldn't have behaved like this.

I would write a letter pretty much along the lines of what you have written here and give it to him

fusspot66 · 25/10/2014 20:26

He has let you down there. He may be shocked and angry but turning it on you. Not good. Much more support would be found from experts like Rape Crisis who will not judge you. I believe you Flowers

Quitelikely · 25/10/2014 20:29

Gosh you poor thing. You are a brave soul for facing that man every day at work. Where were your cuts? Were they by him do you think?

You were almost certainly taken advantage of in the most humiliating way, the way your husband has responded to your experience almost seems like he is evoking the same emotions in you that you experienced after that awful night.

Do you think maybe he needs some time to come to terms with what you told him? Could he be in shock?

hesterton · 25/10/2014 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quitelikely · 25/10/2014 20:30

You certainly did not ask for it. A decent man would have saw you safely in the house and took a cab home or slept on your sofa.

ArtyBat · 25/10/2014 20:31

Did you ask for it you say?

Of course you didn't, none of it.

You have every reason to feel hurt re your DH though. He should be supporting you, not questioning and vilifying you.

{flowers] for you. Take your time, and do what you feel is right.

Original poster
PeterManion · 25/10/2014 20:33

Vivaciaand fusspot66 - thank you. He is so angry with me. I don't understand why. I am terribly, terribly upset at his reaction to me. He just hit me with this barrage of questions about what happened and wanted details I wasn't able to give. I feel so horrible and worthless.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 25/10/2014 20:33

I didn't want to read and run, but I don't really have a lot to say.

Of course you didn't 'ask for it'. Of course you feel extremely hurt at his reaction.

However, it must be hard for your dh to process this, especially if you work with the guy who did this. Also, it's difficult for DP's to get their heads around their spouses being sexually active with other people, especially if you have never talked about this before. I expect he's feeling a whole lot of stuff...how could this have happened to someone he loves? Did it happen or not? Etc. etc.

In an ideal world, his reaction would have been so much more mature and empathetic. In this world, I think he is probably getting his head around and is being immature in the way he is processing it, blaming etc. It's hard for him to get his head around it, if you haven't in several years and you are not certain.

I am not defending him, except to say I think if he is a good guy in other ways, then I can see why he has reacted this way and to give him some time.

To be honest, I think you need to deal with the original one night stand situation with some counselling, and possibly talking to girlfriends if you feel comfortable. I am not sure how you should progress things with your DH, I just don't know about that. I hope somebody can come here with some good advice.

I would also get another job.

This is a horrible situation to be in, but it is good it is 'coming out' now and I hope you can deal with it. Hugs.

Original poster
PeterManion · 25/10/2014 20:37

Sorry to drip feed, but it happened seven years ago, which is why I suppose I cannot describe the whole thing in detail. I just know that I have been left with a residual feeling of shame. DH seems to think this shame is deserved.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/10/2014 20:37

The advice to ring to ring Rape Crisis is excellent advice.

I really feel for you. I have disclosed similar to two partners and a best friend in the past and they just held me, kissed my forehead etc. I think it's reasonable for you to have expected a similar reaction from your husband.

Vivacia · 25/10/2014 20:38

You can still ring Rape Crisis.

fifi669 · 25/10/2014 20:41

You say did I really ask for it? But also say you don't know if you were raped. Were the cuts and bruises intimate? Or could they have been from falling over? He also could have been as drunk as you. You can't remember and we don't know.

I can understand where your husband is coming from, you tell him you were either raped or not, you're unsure, it's something you've never mentioned to anyone. What is he supposed to do with the information? Part of him will want to find the guy and beat him to death. The other half is thinking of the drunken one night stands he's had and what could happen if one of those girls now days they were too drunk.

I know this is coming across as harsh but you need to move beyond this. You could be traumatising yourself over something that didn't happen. The only person that could know was the ONS but he may have been too drunk to recall too!

Original poster
PeterManion · 25/10/2014 20:42

MerryMarigold I think - I hope - that this is the source of his behaviour. He is a well-educated man with exquisite manners, who I have always respected and admired. I've always admired him as a "proper" gentleman. I feel like I have let him down. He will not accept that he has let me down.

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 25/10/2014 20:43

What an awful experience and reaction from your DH. Maybe he thought he'd made up his mind about this and then you shake up his certainties and he's angry. I expect the hurt will take a long time to heal.

Vivacia · 25/10/2014 20:43

I can understand where your husband is coming from, you tell him you were either raped or not, you're unsure, it's something you've never mentioned to anyone. What is he supposed to do with the information? Part of him will want to find the guy and beat him to death. The other half is thinking of the drunken one night stands he's had and what could happen if one of those girls now days they were too drunk.

He could make it not about him. He could have just listened to her.

Liara · 25/10/2014 20:43

When I have told both dh and a very close male friend about a dodgy experience I had at a time when I was vulnerable, both reacted in a way that seemed to me to be unempathetic and unwarranted. Fortunately this was far enough from when it happened that I was able to articulate this, as I no longer had bad feelings about my experience.

In both cases when they sat back and analysed their reaction, they said that my telling them had made them feel incredibly angry and wanting to kill the guy involved (who is now dead). I perceived that anger, which was not really at me, but which I felt was directed at me.

Maybe give him a little time to process his feelings and try to talk about it with him again?

OfficeNewGirl · 25/10/2014 20:46

As you cannot remember what had happened the morning after it had happened then you will never know whether it was rape.

However as you was quite bruised from the experience, its very clear something very vigorous went on.

The guy may or may not have any memory of what happened especially if you was both in an intoxicated state.

I think your husband reacted in the way he did was because he may not of liked the idea that a man was being accused of rape when the victim couldnt remember anything.

BertieBotts · 25/10/2014 20:47

Er, yeah, it's nothing to do with the DH, whether he feels angry or not he shouldn't be taking it out on the OP FFS.

Do you think it's because he's angry at the idea you might possibly be considering some kind of "false" accusation? It doesn't come across to me that that's what you want to do (or that it's false) but it might be the way he's seeing it and if so he might be sympathising with the man rather than with you (which is astounding, BTW, and would make me suspicious that he has something to hide re an old incident which could be construed in a similar way...)

fifi669 · 25/10/2014 20:48

vivacia oh DP I either had a drunken ONS or I was raped, thoughts? We know what is in her head, she's trying to understand him. He wants to know for certain before he can act on it. As you don't know, he can't either.

Original poster
PeterManion · 25/10/2014 20:48

fifi669 - I can't un-have the conversation. We were talking about why women might decide not to report assaults. I confessed to this confusing experience, because I felt it would illustrate the point that these things are absolutely not black and white. If you feel something was not right, but you had been drinking, were in a vulnerable position and could prove nothing, does not mean that you had nothing to worry about.

OP posts:
OfficeNewGirl · 25/10/2014 20:49

Cross post with fif666

fifi669 · 25/10/2014 20:49

officenewgirl that's how I see it too.

Vivacia · 25/10/2014 20:50

He wants to know for certain before he can act on it.

He doesn't have to think about him and how he's going to act. He listens. OP didn't say she was raped, she said she had this confusing, shameful, confusing memory.

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 25/10/2014 20:52

Your dh doesn't sound very d, or, indeed, very nice.

You didn't deserve it. It wasn't your fault.

You don't need to justify anything. Sadly, you know at least two men who do.

Original poster
PeterManion · 25/10/2014 20:56

Vivacia - exactly. Exactly that. He wants everything to just be normal and can't understand why I am not all cuddly and affectionate. I don't feel affectionate because he did not react in the way that I expected him to. I am somewhat shocked at his anger and blame. I feel let down, but also feel like I have let him down. I am not the good girl he thought I was.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread