I think I've made a massive mistake

[PeterManion]

I have been with DH for seven years, married for one. The whole Ched Evans thing in the press brought a previous experience of mine to the surface and after a long conversation about sexual assault with DH, I confessed that I had experienced something I felt was an assault.

Before meeting DH, I had been in a long term relationship and I had lost my partner to cancer. After he died, I went off the rails somewhat. I was bereaved, hurting and lonely. I did some things which I am not proud of. One of these was having a one night stand. I had had too much to drink and was not at all in control. I went out for some drinks with some work colleagues, but felt reasonably safe. However, I awoke the next morning in my flat to find a guy from work in my bed with me. I was unclothed and extensively cut and bruised ( I still have scars). I got him out of my flat as quickly as possible and drew a line under it. I have never asked him about what happened. I have never talked to anyone about it.

To this day, I am still not certain what occurred, but have felt somewhat taken advantage of in my vulnerable state. I could not say that I was raped, but feel that this person took advantage of me. I have to see him very day at work. He makes me feel like an absolute stain.

I have always felt confused about this experience and am incredibly uncomfortable around this man. My overwhelming feeling is that my boundaries were breached. That I was in no state to consent to anything and he used this to his advantage.

Anyway, after discussing the Ched Evans case with DH, this all came out. And I was utterly shocked at his response. I fully expected him to empathise. He did not. He got really angry. He hit me with a barrage of questions and because my experience was about how I FELT about the ONS, because I had nothing I felt I could take to the police, he questioned me quite aggressively. I was left feeling that I had to justify my actions to him. Basically, if I was not certain I was raped, then I shouldn't be complaining.

I feel crushed that the person I should be able to trust most of all turned away from me when I confessed something difficult and private. I have never told anyone else about this before. I was so unspeakably hurt by his response. It has impacted on how I interact with him. I cannot continue as normal and be loving and affectionate. I am so, so hurt. He is not the man I thought he was. I am questioning the future of my marriage.

He can barely look at me now. He seems to be on the verge of ending the relationship because he thinks I have no reason to be hurt. But did I really "ask for it"?

I am so overwhelmed and confused.

Fifi last night I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I still assume you are posting in good faith, but you are lacking some important knowledge on facts and skirting dangerously close to being a rape apologist.

The problem is you don't know if you did consent

Whether drunk, spiked or drugged she was not in a state to give consent therefore she could not.

I'm a little bit further forward with my revelation to my DH.

At the time, it was difficult for him to process because I'm a very in control, organised, logical person. He found it difficult to process that I'd ever been a victim. This doesn't make him a bad person, he's only ever done his best but I've needed to seek extra help to cope.

He's not as good with words as I am and he's not as in touch with his own emotions as I am. Somebody said up thread that he was turning this into being about him when it should be about you, I disagree. If my DH had told me something out if the blue, I'd probably not give a text book reaction either. I'd go on to auto pilot and my natural instincts would be dissipation ate to find out and make sense of what happened.

After I told my DH he never mentioned it again. He thought he was doing best by not bringing it up. I just wanted to talk it through. By not talking I thought he didn't believe me it blamed me. Truth us he wasn't equipped to give me the help I needed so I get that elsewhere.

In short though, at a time when I felt most vulnerable, probably more do than the rape itself, I felt let down by my DH. Truth was he simply wasn't capable of what I needed from him.

I must be a little bit sheltered but I've never consented to anything which has left me cut and bruised fifi Oh and while you're excusing this man because he may have also been drunk, being reckless as to consent can see somebody found guilty of rape.

Not sure where you go from here OP. I've never been in this situation, but my DH's reaction to the Ched Evans stuff was very important to me so I can only imagine how you feel having actually been in a similar situation.

"Going like the clappers" ffs fifi your posts are disgraceful.

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you. You still have so e if the scars?! This sounds very serious indeed. I am very surprised your DH reacted like that if he really was a loving, good man who respects you as a person.
It sounds like he is angry at you or something, it's a very strange reaction.

OP, you've had some good advice on here as well as some truly shocking victim-blaming. I know you say you can't face talking about this out loud again, but you've had a terrible response from your husband, and some terrible responses here. I really want someone IRL to be kind to you about this. I really think if you talk to rape crisis or a counsellor who understands this issue you'll find a kinder and more understanding and helpful response.

Your husband has let you down badly. I can't believe it's got anything to do with his feelings about the impact of an accusation on some man he doesn't even know. It could well be that he's feeling a lot of anger and he doesn't know what to do with it so it's directed at you. That's not really the point, though. It shouldn't be about his feelings. He should be supporting and caring for you, more concerned for your feelings and find some other way of dealing with his own feelings.

What you said about being a 'good girl' is important. Would you judge yourself and would he judge you if you had had a ONS? What you are describing here was certainly not a ONS. But it seems like apart from dealing with the non-consensual sexual encounter, you are dealing with feelings of shame (yours and his) surrounding the idea of a ONS. That would make this harder to deal with and I think a good counsellor would be helpful.

YorkshireTeaDrinker , Joysmum, Vivacia and everyone else who has taken the time to read, consider my post and offer advice and support - I am very grateful. It's so sad that I am not the only person who has been through something like this.

I have never thought about accessing counselling before, because it's such a difficult thing to describe/explain. I have not exactly made my peace with it, but there has been so much in the press lately about the nature of consent, that it's been sitting at the forefront of my mind and spilled out in the heat of a discussion. It took me a long time to understand that the feeling of unease I subsequently felt around this man came from a real place and that I could give myself permission to feel that what happened between us was not necessarily "normal". I have certainly never felt this way about anyone else that I slept with, sober, drunk or whatever else.

My husband is a wonderful, patient man in so many ways. I like and respect him as a person, as well as love him as my spouse. Really, the point of my post was to express my surprise and disappointment at his reaction to my admission. In the light of another day, you have given me a lot to think about and that includes where his reaction came from. We need to talk more and I am prepared to find that may take us in the direction of relationship counselling. We don't seem to be able to communicate adequately about this one.

fifi669 - this is basically the conversation I had with DH. It's also why I have never discussed it with the man involved or anyone else for that matter. I suppose I am not a reliable witness.

I was drunk, yes. I was emotionally vulnerable and would not have gone near this man if I had been in full control of my faculties. So GoldfishCrackers, I think you may be right about the "shame" aspect. Again, I suppose it's why I've never opened up to anybody about it before because it's all so ambiguous and very much about how I feel about it.

My husband is a wonderful, patient man in so many ways. I like and respect him as a person, as well as love him as my spouse. Really, the point of my post was to express my surprise and disappointment at his reaction to my admission

That's the sanitised version of how I felt.

Tbh things got worse from the point I told my DH, not better. I'd somehow expected him to fix me and of course what I hadn't bargained on was that he struggled to cope too and certainly didn't have the ability to help me. My expectations were way too high so for once in our relationship, I've had to seek help from somebody else.

It's been a real issue to both of us. He'd never thought I'd ever been victim material before, tbh neither had I which is why I minimised it and used all sorts of other terms that wasn't 'the "R" word', many don't use the 'r' word as a self denial coping strategy.

I can't begin to imagine how my DH was feeling when I first told him. He lives me very deeply but infant in touch with his feelings nor good at expressing them.

Again, to Goldfishcrackers and others who say 'It shouldn't be about his feelings', of course it should! To say it shouldn't is like denying the families of alcoholics or addicts the right to their feelings. This isn't a competition as to who has more right to hurt. Our partners won't have had the years to try to assimilate and process our trauma as we have and anyone who loves us deeply will be hurting badly and struggling to make sense of things as well as struggling to understand how we had a secret this big and they hadn't no known. They'll have their own feeling of guilt and hurt.

As hard as this is for me, I will not minimise how hard this is for my husband. It's not a pissing completion about who has the right to feel more hurt.

Apologise for all the typos, I hope you get the gist OP

peter, if you were my daughter or friend who told me this, I'd have hugged you, if you'd wanted it. I'd have listened and made it clear I would listen as often as you needed. I'd have assured you that you had done nothing wrong and had no need to be ashamed. I'd have offered to support you in any way if you wanted to access counselling.
It wouldn't have been about me and I'd have felt honoured that you'd felt you could trust me. I'd have thought you were vulnerable and sad at the time.
I know I'd have done this because I've been in a similar situation and that's how I did react.
Vivacia was spot on, it's not all about him. He had let you down, he should have your back, it's not about him processing stuff. Who does he think he is? Angel Clare? Some of these responses are deeply saddening.

BTW, OP, I'd not use Relate for couple counselling, I've found them very destructive and victim blaming, even when DV was admitted to by OH.

I agree with what you say Joy, about expectations and not reaching them on one occassion.
I'd like to clarify that when I said he should have listened and believed her and held her etc that was to address the OP asking whether she deserved his judge-and-jury reaction. No, she didn't deserve his interrogation, she deserved to be listened to.

Joysmum - typos forgiven. I really do get the gist of what you're saying. You're absolutely right that this is something I have become accustomed to and that I now need to let DH process it. Maybe his reaction was one of shock, or maybe he has let me down. I don't know - we'll have to try and figure that one out.

BeeOrchid - thank you (and to everyone else) for giving me the response I wanted from DH. It makes a difference.

Fifi, why is is so important to you to minimize the event? This encounter left the OP wounded, violated and with no recollection of consenting. Do you not understand? Can you not see? Where no consent is actively and knowingly given, it can't be assumed. It shouldn't be assumed.

Your comments make me alternately angry and sad. I won't engage with your remarks any further, but please please please, consider where your attitudes are coming from and try to understand why what you are saying is so massively inappropriate and unhelpful.

Fifi669, it's not the first time I have seen you victim blaming and trotting out cliches spouted by rape apologists.

My worry is that vulnerable people may give more weight to your words than they deserve.

Please can you try and educate yourself before saying things like "don't label yourself as a victim" and "take advantage". You are doing rape survivors no favours here and perpetuating rape apologist myths.

"Tripped over laughing"...do you really think so? Please stop.

Joysmum, your posts are wise and insightful from the point of view of the victim and the victim's dh, for any situations. I often feel like there is an 'ideal' way to react and then there is the way me or dh react! (In many situations). Usually far from ideal. We are imperfect people and neither of us are the most emotionally mature or in touch. It doesn't make it ok and bad behaviour should be apologised for, but we don't need to accuse/ withdraw from/ reject when our partners behave in a less than ideal way.

Peter, I don't think you need to 'draw a line' and pretend this never happened or sweep it back under the carpet. You are really hurt and rightly so. But there is a point I hope you can get to (I think it took Joysmum a while, not immediately) where you can see the way you felt about dh's reaction is ok and the way he reacted is also understandable. I hope he can also in future accept that it wasn't the ideal way to have reacted. But this is probably a long process. In the end, it can bring you closer if you deal with it, but probably create resentment and distance if not.

I'm not minimising anything, I wouldn't minimise rape. She doesn't know if she was. She doesn't know if she consented. She doesn't know if she was a victim. It's not being a rape apologist. It's being a realist. People get drunk and don't remember what happened the night before. She may have actively, verbally consented but now can't recall. None of us know, not even OP.

I don't need to educate myself. I think you may need to. If he woke up also cut and bruised with no recollection would you say she raped him?

I just see no point in making yourself a victim when you don't even know if you are. There's no point trying to label what happened when you don't know what happened.

Also there is nothing wrong with using any rubbish situation, claiming it and turning it around to get a positive out of it. It doesn't mean it's any less horrible than it was, it means taking control and not letting it rule you.

I would suggest you go for counselling opYour partner hasn't got the tools for this job.

I think I could react a similar way if I'm honest.I would feel a bit hard done by that I was being treated like the bad guy when you essentially let the other guy away with it .
Sorry if that sounds harsh am very sympathetic to how you feel.
I however also sympathise with your partner.

We Believe you campaign. Some posters need to educate themselves. Or grow a brain.

If a woman is drunk, drugged or unconscious, she is not able to consent to sex

MYTH: Women who get drunk or take drugs shouldn't be surprised if they are raped or sexually assaulted
REALITY: Being vulnerable does not imply consent. If a woman is drunk, drugged or unconscious, she is not able to consent to sex(5).
Being vulnerable does not imply consent. If a woman is drunk, drugged or unconscious, she is not able to consent to sex.
If a woman has consumed alcohol (fewer than four in 10 cases), it is the man's responsibility to ensure that the victim has given, or is capable of giving, consent. If he does not do so, he is committing rape.

Simlilarly, a woman is not to blame if she drinks alcohol and is raped. Women have the same right to consume alcohol as men.

Thanks to all who have shared experiences and offered insights. Your time and thoughts are appreciated. I am going to duck out his discussion now, however.

fifi669 - I am not and have never cast myself as a victim. I have openly accepted that what happened to me is uncertain. Which is why it's difficult to discuss, because, well - what can I say? It felt wrong? I felt taken advantage of? It felt confusing? I have not and cannot use the word rape, because I am not certain what occurred. But then, neither are you, fifi669. It is not for you to decide how this experience has/will affect me.

I came onto this forum for some advice and support about how to deal with my husband's reaction and I am grateful to those who have taken the time to address this.

@YesIDidMeanToBeSoWoooooooode

We Believe you campaign. Some posters need to educate themselves. Or grow a brain.

If a woman is drunk, drugged or unconscious, she is not able to consent to sex

MYTH: Women who get drunk or take drugs shouldn't be surprised if they are raped or sexually assaulted
REALITY: Being vulnerable does not imply consent. If a woman is drunk, drugged or unconscious, she is not able to consent to sex(5).
Being vulnerable does not imply consent. If a woman is drunk, drugged or unconscious, she is not able to consent to sex.
If a woman has consumed alcohol (fewer than four in 10 cases), it is the man's responsibility to ensure that the victim has given, or is capable of giving, consent. If he does not do so, he is committing rape.

Simlilarly, a woman is not to blame if she drinks alcohol and is raped. Women have the same right to consume alcohol as men.

Thank you YesIDidMeanToBeSoWoooooooode.

OP, please do check out our campaign that aims to debunk rape myths. And these are for you , and sending your our best.