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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think I've made a massive mistake

99 replies

PeterManion · 25/10/2014 20:22

I have been with DH for seven years, married for one. The whole Ched Evans thing in the press brought a previous experience of mine to the surface and after a long conversation about sexual assault with DH, I confessed that I had experienced something I felt was an assault.

Before meeting DH, I had been in a long term relationship and I had lost my partner to cancer. After he died, I went off the rails somewhat. I was bereaved, hurting and lonely. I did some things which I am not proud of. One of these was having a one night stand. I had had too much to drink and was not at all in control. I went out for some drinks with some work colleagues, but felt reasonably safe. However, I awoke the next morning in my flat to find a guy from work in my bed with me. I was unclothed and extensively cut and bruised ( I still have scars). I got him out of my flat as quickly as possible and drew a line under it. I have never asked him about what happened. I have never talked to anyone about it.

To this day, I am still not certain what occurred, but have felt somewhat taken advantage of in my vulnerable state. I could not say that I was raped, but feel that this person took advantage of me. I have to see him very day at work. He makes me feel like an absolute stain.

I have always felt confused about this experience and am incredibly uncomfortable around this man. My overwhelming feeling is that my boundaries were breached. That I was in no state to consent to anything and he used this to his advantage.

Anyway, after discussing the Ched Evans case with DH, this all came out. And I was utterly shocked at his response. I fully expected him to empathise. He did not. He got really angry. He hit me with a barrage of questions and because my experience was about how I FELT about the ONS, because I had nothing I felt I could take to the police, he questioned me quite aggressively. I was left feeling that I had to justify my actions to him. Basically, if I was not certain I was raped, then I shouldn't be complaining.

I feel crushed that the person I should be able to trust most of all turned away from me when I confessed something difficult and private. I have never told anyone else about this before. I was so unspeakably hurt by his response. It has impacted on how I interact with him. I cannot continue as normal and be loving and affectionate. I am so, so hurt. He is not the man I thought he was. I am questioning the future of my marriage.

He can barely look at me now. He seems to be on the verge of ending the relationship because he thinks I have no reason to be hurt. But did I really "ask for it"?

I am so overwhelmed and confused.

OP posts:

fifi669 · 25/10/2014 20:56

OP I'm just trying to point out that as it's confusing for you, it is for him too. Seven years on and you still don't know. He's only had days? It's something he's seen no evidence of harm from (fear of intimacy etc), you're not sure happened, he wanted to know more and now you've shut him out for not responding the way you wanted.

In all honesty I'd just draw a line and move on. Don't let something that may not have even happened ruin your marriage.

SelfLoathing · 25/10/2014 20:57

It sounds to me like there is something else going on here.

If you basically think your DH is a good guy, if he is reacting like this there is probably something else going on in his head. It doesn't make it right but probably more understandable.

It could be a myriad of things - he wants to protect/defend you and feels helpless; his mother/sister/ex gf had a similar experience he has never told you about ; he was sexually assaulted as a child and has never spoken about it. Who knows?

You need to sit him down, tell him what you've told us here and ask him why he reacted the way he did.

fifi669 · 25/10/2014 20:58

You have not let him down! You were a person before him and you've got your own history.

Vivacia · 25/10/2014 21:00

I am not the good girl he thought I was.

Do you think this is the first suggestion he's had that you're not a Good Girl? That you're flawed and real and human?

Please don't think for a second that you should bury this for his sake, and for anyone reading this thread, please don't think for a second that there's one form of evidence or way that survivors of rape behave.

2times · 25/10/2014 21:01

I would find it very hard to move on after that sort of reaction.
It would make me question everything.

No wonder women often don't come forward after being assaulted.
It's disgusting.

Original poster

PeterManion · 25/10/2014 21:02

fifi669 - I understand what you are driving at. I really want to draw a line. I have moved on (I believe) from the original experience, but the thing I sort of can't let go of, is how DH reacted. I thought he had my back and his reaction is so unexpected, I am reassessing my opinion of him and our relationship. It makes me so sad.

OP posts:

Pandora37 · 25/10/2014 21:02

I'm really sorry, both for your experience and for how your DH has reacted. Even if it wasn't rape, for you to have got cuts and bruises then what happened was clearly rough and for you not to remember what happened must be very frightening, I know I would feel that way. I don't have any advice as for how to deal with your DH but working with this man must be incredibly tough. As you can't turn to your DH right now, I urge you to speak to Rape Crisis and sort out some counselling. It seems like this has been playing on your mind for a long time and I think speaking to someone about how you feel may help.

You didn't ask for anything and your DH has no right to be angry with you. I hope he calms down soon.

Original poster

PeterManion · 25/10/2014 21:04

2times. That was absolutely my point and why I told him about my experience.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeterManion · 25/10/2014 21:06

Thank you all for listening to my story and not minimising it. I'm incredibly touched and to be honest, this is the most I have ever really talked about it. I don't think rape is the only way for a persons boundaries to be breached.

OP posts:

FeckTheMagicDragon · 25/10/2014 21:07

OP I'm not going to shout LTB, tempting as it is. But his reaction is really, really not good. He is, in effect, massively victim blaming.

And, for what it's worth, if you woke up with cuts and bruises with a man you would not having given consent to, you were probably raped. And by the reaction of this guy at work, he knows it.

You ARE good. You did not hurt or take advantage of anyone when they were in a vulnerable state. It was done TO you. You are not to blame for any of it. Not one single bit.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and sorry your husband did not give you the support you deserve and need.

Roomsdoom · 25/10/2014 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fifi669 · 25/10/2014 21:09

OP I think if you said you'd been raped before, his reaction would be different. This is to an event a long time ago that may not have happened.

What would you have liked him to do?

OfficeNewGirl · 25/10/2014 21:10

could your DH have had an encounter in the past where he fears he didn't gain consent from a drunk woman and your bringing up your own experience has reminded him of his own behaviour? If he felt panic and shame himself it might explain his horrible reaction

This is a very good point

Vivacia · 25/10/2014 21:12

What would you have liked him to do?

Listened? Accepted? Believed? Not acted as judge and jury? Not made it All About Him?

fifi669 · 25/10/2014 21:13

Let's not decide her DH is a rapist!

Vivacia · 25/10/2014 21:14

Just a thought and kind of hard to write it, but could your DH have had an encounter in the past where he fears he didn't gain consent from a drunk woman and your bringing up your own experience has reminded him of his own behaviour?

Oh, for goodness' sake. It could almost as likely be reminding him of sexual assault he's suffered.

Original poster

PeterManion · 25/10/2014 21:14

Roomsdoom , this has occurred to me, too. Perhaps a massive over-reaction on my part, but he has taken the whole thing so personally. I am so sad. I can assure you lovely ladies all that I have not let the work guy ever, for one moment get to me (at least, not publicly). It's just DH who is getting to me.

OP posts:

fifi669 · 25/10/2014 21:15

Believed? She doesn't know what happened, how can he?

2times · 25/10/2014 21:15

Fifi, I'm sorry but his reaction was completely inappropriate.
It's not a matter of finding him something to do, he should not have interrogated his wife about an experience that she found distressing. (I want to type all that in caps).
His reaction was simply dreadful (and one that I personally would find unforgivable).
Perhaps he will apologise profusely when he has a bit of a think about it. Because that's what he needs to be doing.

Vivacia · 25/10/2014 21:16

(I want to type all that in caps)

Heh. I originally had "listened" in caps.

blanketyblank100 · 25/10/2014 21:17

I would give your DH the benefit of the doubt until you can establish if his attitude is actually down to another man being with you, or you being taken advantage of, rather than simply feeling cross about your accusation. This may be difficult to establish because he may well not know what he's feeling or why, just at the moment. This would actually be a great issue to look at more closely with a good couple's therapist, as there are so many feelings flying around and the stakes are clearly very high. Bear in mind that you also don't know every sexual experience that your DH has had in the past - you shared a personal story and he ought to have responded sympathetically but his responses could have been coloured by a past experience of his own. He also may not have the understanding of vulnerability that we would have as women - it may be difficult for him to imagine waking up and thinking you were probably coerced, because it's less likely to be within his frame of reference.

FWIW, if my DH shared a story like that, I'd be sympathetic. Very. Because I'm not an impartial observer, though, there would be a little part of me thinking 'How could you be so silly?', because I hate the thought of anything awful happening to people I care about. It's possibly why it's sometimes better to share very nuanced and sensitive information with someone who isn't directly involved, in the first instance.

It's a shame that this issue in your marriage is riding on the back of the Ched Evans thing and the theoretical questions surrounding possible rape accusations and drink-fuelled sex. Personally, I think your DH is being ridiculous given your physical condition on the morning after the incident. I can see the problem you're facing in the relationship if he doesn't own that. However, I can also see his viewpoint in feeling that there are going to be many miscarriages of justice if everyone who doesn't remember sex were to decide that they were probably raped (not saying that's what you said). It's a shame that this area of vulnerability for you has got tied up with what is, for him, probably a theoretical issue about justice. If there are aspects of his viewpoint that you can agree with, at least in theory, perhaps he needs to hear that.

Original poster

PeterManion · 25/10/2014 21:18

Vivacia nailed it with: "What would you have liked him to do? Listened? Accepted? Believed? Not acted as judge and jury? Not made it All About Him?"

I wish he understood that his reaction has hurt me. I love him and will take care of him, but I am not infallible and sometimes I need him to take care of me.

OP posts:

blanketyblank100 · 25/10/2014 21:21

I'm not saying you owe it to him, OP. Just that it may be worth doing if you want to give him a second chance to save the situation.

fifi669 · 25/10/2014 21:21

As its hard for OP to process something that may or may not have happened, it'll be hard for her DH when he has nothing other than... I was really drunk and the next thing I remember was waking up with him there. I have no idea what happened.....

He asked questions to try and figure out what went on. He wanted you to say something that he could then use to say yes or no it did/didn't happen.

ColdCottage · 25/10/2014 21:24

This is so sad on so many levels.

Please seek some counselling for you, you don't know what happened and are clearly impacted by the evening. Also they might give you strength to raise the issue with this man/work/the police if you feel you can.

Also I think if you think there is a chance for your relationship please see someone for that too.

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/relationship-counselling

Your DH's behaviour is disposable but he may be reacting this way because he is scared, doesn't understand the depth of the situation or he might just be a d1ck?

I'm so sad that these events have both happened to you.

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