Toad's Solicitor phoned me at home unannounced after hours this evening

[Karenthetoadslayer]

I thought this would call for a new thread.

As I was preparing the children's dinner, the phone rang and guess who it was? Toad's solicitor, to have a chat about contact.

I am a friendly and polite person, also was in shock, so I complied and explained to him the children's views on their father.

DS thought I was 'cool'. .

You never know what will happen at the moment.

Under a bridge also seems appropriate. Preferably with a troll picture.

Just as well I'm not drinking tea....
I've been having a scroll through the thread and every time I've gone past 'the architect etc' I've snorted.
What a prat!

'Architect of the deceitful crusade' He is a prize arse. I don't know how you let him slip away.

I thought he hated all child psychologists and they were all a load of rubbish because the one who met the children (as opposed to just him) was certainly not presenting a picture of sunshine and joy about his parenting/relationship?

And the mediator he was stupid enough to tell his agenda to, who then labelled the case not suitable for mediation and refused to participate further? (Followed I know by Toad trying to set up a repeat performance with a new mediator since now he knew What Not To Say?)

The judge is going to have so much fun meeting Toad when you get to court.

Btw absolutely adore the phrase 'guilty of contempt of Toad'.

So true.

dunfightin he could in theory stay with one member of his family. The problem is that they have fallen out with him - he sent an abusive email. I am not kidding.

'facetious' this has always been Toad's favourite adjective for me dunfightin apart from of course 'intransigent'.

Defiant?

He'd better apologise to his relative, then. (He'll never do that.) He could just book into another hotel for a few days, paying a retainer on his original room so that he can leave your stuff there (I wonder if you could persuade them to open his room for you so you can get your cutlery back....).

Ooh, we've got a match on both
And, of course, I should have guessed he would have fallen out with his family. My heart bleeds, it really does.
I see straws being clutched and camels' backs breaking in Toad land. How do you take your gin btw? I'm partial to a nice sloe gin this time of year, so raising a glass to you

Aw diddums poor Toady homeless, karma make, karma

Homeless: I just realised that the house that Toad is still planning to purchase for us to live in until the children leave school would have a massive mortgage on it. He is planning to use the entire equity of our home for his own house, so his house would be mortgage free.

In the event that Toad defaulted on this mortgage, our house would go first, right?

The council would not step in, because Toad would not live in it and it would not be my house / the children's home, right?

They would not pay Toad's mortgage, even if it would be for the benefit of the children, right?

So we would get evicted, right?

karen why can't you get a lump sum payment from him and be shot of him? If he's paying your rent/ mortgage every month then you are tied to him forever. I suppose there is a reason for doing it that way but if the equity is available can you propose this, or does it leave you worse off? His behaviour shows that ongoing ties are not a good idea, surely!

Karen, don't touch that with a barge pole.... he'd have a hold on you as long as you lived there and I would put money on that being his motivation. 'His' house, he'd feel he had rights over utilities, repairs, maintenance, monitoring, what you did with it, how you lived in it, and yes no security. If it's mortgaged and he defaults you won't have a leg to stand on, yes the house would be repossessed whether it's the children's home or not.

Split of assets arranged by court and you buy whatever you like: he gets no say in it. Not area, not house type, no rights of entry, nothing. He isn't going to like it but he can't stop it. Apart from anything else you need to live somewhere that is yours and is your safe place.

Any decision you make must leave the Toad under his little stone and you far, far away on a nice sunny hill where you are entirely responsible for the house, payments etc and you and the DCs leave in peace.
He has responsibilities towards the DCs - until 18 or until they complete full-time education - make sure you get the wording tied up in case they end up doing masters (which parents may be liable for; PhDs not).

He has no responsibilities towards you as ex-partner as you were not married, so any attempt on his part to tie the parts together is him trying to keep control.
Assets are different category all together i.e. property - canteens of cutlery, train sets, and guessing at his Toadyness will probably be itemised down to house fittings and teaspoons. I bet he's the sort who would take the lightbulbs and bog roll holder when the house is sold

TBVVVVH, I think you should go ahead and plan your life free of him, financially and otherwise.
Then anything that comes along will be a bonus.
But, no house purchased by him, no installments, and no private arrangements.
Go for the lump sum, find your own place, get official maintenance.

If he buys the house for you to live in, he will be the owner and will still ask to inspect it and will have a right to enter it. Don't go for it, even if it looks like you'd loose financially.

Whatever happens, your happiness and of your children is the most important thing. He should be as distant as possible.

Sever as many ties as you can, or you will never be free.

You absolutely must not consider that 'offer'. No court in the world would insist on that. He gives you money, you go your own way. That is how it works.

That's what I thought, too. In all the case laws that I read the father has to transfer the funds to the mother to buy a house in trust and it will be returned to him when the youngest child finishes their education up to first degree.

But the father does not get to choose the house?

Oh, no part of what he has suggested so far has been remotely acceptable.

I have to get this right in my application.

Talk to a solicitor and make sure. But I think anything but a lump sum with no strings attached just piles on more problems. You have plenty of evidence to present in court that you need a complete separation.

From what I've had to do that each gets to select three houses, e.g. STBXH gets to chose three houses for me to live in.

And I get to chose three houses for me to live in.

I then get told my choices are wrong.

And he decides that I can live in a caravan after all.

Then a judge will decide whether my choices are wrong in anyway, considering the resources available, and my wishes and feelings.

Almost always, if there are sufficient resources that makes that house affordable, then the party who has to actually live in it, gets to decide!

But because it's Toad's money, he will get some sway over the house, after all, he wants to be able to sell it in the future. Toad, no doubt, will denigrate any house that is reasonable for his children to live in.

And you too will be ordered into a caravan.

Karen, shouldn't that house actually be a Haus?
I don't think that he could choose your new home because he's not a dog, a cat or a horse; a toad would need 6 months quarantine when it tried to get into Germany.

I don't think he's going to give you ANYTHING. I really think you just need to find a rental that you are happy to live in, with very low running costs. He is going to continue to use any sort of accommodation that he funds as a way to try and control you - it just isn't worth it I'm afraid.

I wonder if the dc can but a charge against the house as "unpaid maintenance" so it can't be sold without them being informed??? Probably not but would be wonderful if the could!

Agree the only thing Toad will respect is going to be a court order.

It's an important point about the house, to explain already in my statement that this has to be done in a certain way, i.e. with a lump sum, no mortgage.

He's awfully keen to sort this out now, so it's done and dusted before I go to court, because he has to house his children, only he wants to do this in his terms. Not on the court's terms.

Pre Hearing meeting next week. Let's see what he has to say. I am going to met him, too. He was surprised that I agreed to this. So was I. It will be fun.

That takes courage, Karen; we know you have that in spades but we'll be thinking of you and figuratively holding your hand.

I know Jux. I couldn't do this on my own.

You're exactly right, he is desperate to get you to sign anything that prevents any objective official body getting involved and clipping his wings.

He's going to have to go on being desperate. It'll be a whole new, exciting experience for him.