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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New name, new game, less stress, more progress! (Thanks to Rottie!)

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 19/10/2014 18:40

Here goes - thread 4 and definitely the last one now, sheesh!!

Who knew instigating divorce could be so bloody long winded!!

My last thread was 'It isn't Work Stress, it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H!'

Rottweiler solicitor (Rottie) and a non molestation order on Tuesday yippee!!

OP posts:
Itsfab · 26/10/2014 09:35

Thank goodness your parents are finally accepting everything you are saying and remembering you are an adult so do know things they don't but you are so awesome you didn't need them really. What you did was massive for you and your children and I really hope the law gets behind you in protecting you now.

Please don't ever go back.

I still worry and think about a poster who has gone back and doesn't seem to post on here any more. Probably thinking we are all cross with her. I just feel sad. She did so much and achieved so much and it was all for nothing.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 26/10/2014 09:49

oh bless her Itsfab - no there's absolutely no chance of me ever going back - he most definitely is my Ex now. But I know what it's like to go back time and time again - it may have seemed from my threads that I had just realised I was in an abusive marriage and so found the strength of mind to just up and leave, but I really have been building towards this for years and have crumbled many times - I hope others realise that. There's no shame in crumbling, but I am testament to the fact that once you realise it's abuse and what abuse really is (No love, just control - the 'good' times aren't real, just part of the cycle and the horrible times are just around the corner) that the relationship is never going to be good, not just for you but for your children, and you need to persevere in getting out once and for all. It takes support, reaching out to people in RL and getting confirmation and understanding from the authorities who know what they're talking about, but ultimately be sure of your path, know that you will be a happier, more confident person without that 'key in the door' every night.

Thanks Trackr - the hamsters seem perfectly happy haha! They've no idea what they've been part of! Grin

OP posts:
Alicebannedit · 26/10/2014 11:23

I've had a few momentary thoughts that H will be thinking what a coward I am for cutting and running like this.... and that's all they are of course - momentary! You have come out of this with your integrity intact and done exactly what's right. You are one perceptive and intelligent woman and express that so well in your post above. Lovely to think of you enjoying some 'real family' time at last. You've made my weekend, that's for sure! Am I allowed to say I'm proud of you?

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2014 11:47

It's been so long for me, but your phrase 'key in the door' actually made me shudder! I'd forgotten that feeling, that dread. It started at 4.30 pm (his quitting time) for me and ended when he got home. Was he in a good mood? Relief & happiness. Was he in a bad mood? Fear and tippy toeing around.

You already sound more confident and peaceful. And it's pretty funny how our parents (who can be mired in their own old-fashioned thinking) can really step up and support us when the rubber hits the road.

Congratulations again! I know there are turbulent seas ahead, but you will sail through with all flags flying!!! Especially with Rottie as your navigator!

My, how nautical I am this morning! I think I need to put on my jaunty captain's cap and Top-Siders! Avast MN!! Let's all have a nice tot of rum!!

auntpetunia · 26/10/2014 11:50

alice I think there are hundreds of women in all corners of the world who are proud/relieved/happy for name this has been a master class in how to leave the bastard with all your dignity intact and in the safest way possible with every i dotted and t crossed. All her legal support and police advice has paid off, even when we were all worrying that shit sol 1 had screwed everything up name had her eye on the long game and she's played it brilliantly.

DaffyDuck88 · 26/10/2014 12:20

Another lurker breaking cover to congratulate Flowers you name and wish the very very best of luck to you and your girls for the future. As with many others I was delighted to read of your no hassle escape on Friday. I think there was a worldwide collective sigh of relief to know it had gone so smoothly. Whatever comes next, we know you are up to the challenge and you know you have masses of support behind you. Never underestimate what you have achieved or how much you may have inspired others by posting here. Well done you x

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 26/10/2014 13:21

Wow, thank you Alice and Auntpetunia - a masterclass haha!! I tell you I may have shite internet connection at the moment, but when I get logged on and read words like that, I get a huge smile on my face Grin Thank you so much for all your steady support! Thanks

Thanks Pond too Thanks yes the dreaded key in the door, the peace and tranquility ruined with that one action, it became so loud in the end, my heart in my throat when the key went in and wondering who's come home tonight? Jekyll or Hyde?

Thank you Daffy, that means a lot Thanks

I'm reading Lynda Bellingham's book. Not the new one but the one before, detailing all her disastrous relationships escaping 2 abusive marriages - it's just what i need - that and a few Wine's Grin

Thanks Pond for saying I sound calmer and more peaceful - I feel it actually - I know there's shite ahead but I'll be ok Thanks

OP posts:
rumbleinthrjungle · 26/10/2014 13:53

Oh Name - You are not a coward! A coward would still be there trying to keep him happy without spending hours getting advice and implementing it. A coward would have given up half way through Solicitor 1's messing around. Your resilience, your persistence and your courage has been absolutely awe inspiring.

You gave H every possible chance to do this amicably like a grown up. He made the choice that he wasn't having it. He wasn't listening to you, even in the guise of 'trying to fix things' he was still being abusive to you and justifying it. Your nine year old can see what he can't! He is the one that has forced himself into this corner of his own making where he has had to have it stated in a letter from a solicitor stating (in essence) It's over, you twat. You are in no way responsible for his behaviour, his choices, and the consequences he is now facing because of them.

Yes, he is never going to see it this way. I'm more than ten years down the line from an EA ex who is still informing the world of the damage I did to them by leaving the relationship when they really needed me to shut up and be abused, and sees me as Lucifer incarnate. Accepting that just because they feel that way does not mean they're right, and it's ok to have someone in the world I cared about thinking badly of me without feeling I had to justify myself or fix it took a long time. But you can't fix it with someone who is not able to see things objectively or rationally and have to fit you into their distorted reality. It has to be their problem. They have to own it.

H's feelings are no longer your responsibility, he needs to use his own support network now and accept the fact that you're no longer on it.

So, so pleased to hear your parents are being supportive and wishing you much Wine and a very restful, easy day. Thanks

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 26/10/2014 14:07

No, you are not a coward. Nothing like.

Though I do take issue that a woman who stays in an abusive relationship is a coward. I would call her a very very frightened person who is totally ground down and doesn't know or can't remember anything different, who has no support.

Thank god you had enough of a grounding in who you are and what you deserve to remember and know that you are a person whose happiness, needs and wants are as important as his, and who had the means to garner enough support to get you going.

Sorry, didn't mean to preach, but I really don't think that calling people cowards is helpful or accurate.

Itsfab · 26/10/2014 15:17

Jux is right and she said it very gracefully.

Jux - you know who I was talking about, don't you? Do you know how she is doing?

trackrBird · 26/10/2014 15:26

Your 09:49 post is superb, name.
Wish we could 'sticky' it. It would speak to so many.

rumbleinthrjungle · 26/10/2014 15:30

Sorry Jux, you're absolutely right and that's not what I meant at all. Very badly put, my apologies. Blush

JuxtheDaemonVampire · 26/10/2014 16:25

No worries, rumble. Tbh, I thought you didn't really mean that, but I didn't want a lurker who was maybe gearing themselves up to talk to someone - or us - to misunderstand and have yet another thing to beat themselves up with. I could have made that clearer too.

Itsfab, I think I know, I will pm you.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 26/10/2014 17:08

Ahh I knew what you meant Rumble...and Jux Thanks I put a lot of things badly here as well sometimes!

The internet's been working quite well tonight - gave me enough time to log on to the bank and see that H spent £70 on a Chinese meal out on Friday night, after he'd had the letter obviously. Tis fine and if anything I take heart that he has people to see and money to spend, a hopeful sign that he isn't about to walk out of his job anytime soon - hopefully - unless it was his resignation meal! Confused

OP posts:
tribpot · 26/10/2014 18:38

Have you withdrawn funds from the joint account, name?

AcrossthePond55 · 26/10/2014 18:57

tribpots question made me think. When I withdraw money from the ATM here it shows the location of the machine on our online banking. Not sure if you are in a rural or urban location, but you may want to consider using a machine well away from your parent's house if that's a concern.

I really think, though, that at the end of the day Twatty knows it's over and I doubt he'll try to find you. Even the thickest of idiots must realize that if their wife does a flit while he's gone that things are past the point of no return.

That being said, I'm sure he's settling in (hence the takeaway) under the impression that the house and everything in it is now his sole residence. Fair to say he's in for a bit of a surprise.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/10/2014 19:05

Name - he isn't going to walk out of his job!!!

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 26/10/2014 19:11

yes Tribpot i've been quite diligent there - I've got a separate account set up and have been moving funds over as and when - Rottie was like 'it's a joint account, just take it!' (H's only bank account is actually a joint account which I have full access to obviously!)
Again, it's a means to an end - his marriage is over because of his behaviour, he's the one earning the money at the moment but we are married and I have his children, so that money is my money too, and how else am I supposed to escape his abuse than by using his money for now? Obviously as the divorce gets going he hasn't bothered contesting any of it up until now and so he's going to get a bit of a nasty shock that he is now accountable for all costs! once he eventually sorts himself out and goes and sees a solicitor - Christ knows what they'll say to him haha!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/10/2014 19:11

Onwards and upwards and yes I'd secure some cash from the joint account so you can feed and clothe your girls for the foreseeable future whilst you get a job sorted out.

mathanxiety · 26/10/2014 19:19

I agree with Rumble -- his feelings are no longer your responsibility (they never were) and he is presently going to find out that in fact nobod is interested in them any more because you are not going to be bothered with them henceforth, right?

And of course your great solicitor won't have time for them either. Take a leaf from her book if you find yourself wondering about him. You are about to embark on a very cut and dried piece of business here where his feelings are of no account. In time you are going to look back and wonder how they managed to loom so large in your life.

petalsandstars · 26/10/2014 19:30

Just be wary that he doesn't set up a sole account and transfer all the money out of the joint account. As he can as well as you

oldgrandmama · 26/10/2014 19:39

Yes, take out another slug of £££ tomorrow, OP. If the Turd starts moaning and groaning to his friends, colleagues, family, they might well advise closing the joint account, so YOU get in first - not closing it, but extracting cash. You can always leave some there, for his Chinese meals etc. After all, you have two children and two hamsters to feed.

You are doing SO great. Wish I'd had your courage when I was married to my Turd.

tribpot · 26/10/2014 19:43

so that money is my money too

Completely agree, name - my question was only to reinforce the fact you need to take what you think is reasonable and assume that shortly he will block your access to the joint account.

Agree with AcrossthePond about the location showing up, although he must know where you are? Why else would your parents be blanking him?

YonicScrewdriver · 26/10/2014 19:58

Trib, he doesn't know the address for name's parents, they moved.

GarlicGhoul · 26/10/2014 20:16

His marriage is over because of his behaviour, he's the one earning the money at the moment but we are married and I have his children, so that money is my money too, and how else am I supposed to escape his abuse than by using his money for now?

I think I should learn this by heart for future threads, where abused women feel they mustn't take 'his' money in order to escape. You've put it so succinctly :)

Carry on relaxing - you're going to need your energies! x