DH wants to become DW, wtf do I do?

[Icriedallnight]

I feel like my entire life is a huge lie. Bit of background, DH has always been prone to bouts if depression. He refuses to seek counselling about it and handles it his own way (by which I mean drinking a lot)

The current bout started about August this year and he's been getting progressively worse. Additionally he started spending a lot of time upstairs on the laptop and taking his phone everywhere. I felt sure that there was an OW and have been looking for signs but in all honesty there hasn't been any dodgy behaviour and all he does is go to work then come home and drink so there wouldn't be the opportunity to meet anyone else.

Last night, I was out for dinner with some friends. I came home about 1.30am and found him sitting in the sofa drunk and sobbing. He was watching a woman being interviewed on a YouTube video (weird!)

I asked what was wrong, and he said "watch this". It then became apparent that the woman being interviewed was transgender and had been born a boy. He then turned to me and said: "I want to be her"

I actually hate him right now. He's fucking lied since the day we met. I asked him how long he had felt like this and he said: " since the age of 6." Turns out all the internet browsing upstairs has been researching the process of becoming a woman.

I don't know what to do, he just cries and says he doesn't ever want to lose me. I love him so much but I feel like I must be a complete idiot- how did I miss this?! I've never had even a vague idea that he felt this way. I am ashamed to say it but I wish he had said there was an OW as then I would just kick him out but this situation feels much worse as it's a total unknown. How can he just have "forgotten" to mention this?! Considering he tells me it's all he thinks about from the minute he wakes up until when he goes to sleep you'd have thought he might have mentioned it

I don't know why I am posting really. I haven't shouted or argued with him (I just feel totally empty) and I just lay in bed crying all night. I feel horrible and I want him to make it better but at the same time as comforting me he's hurting me if that makes sense. Sorry if this isn't coherent, I'm just so tired and my head hurts. I feel sick, I can't eat anything. I don't know whether or not I want to just leave.

Sorry...I should add that I asked him why he has decided to tell me this now and he said that it's because this week there's been a lot of publicity on FB/news about a public figure who has just undergone the process and DH says that he can't get away from his feelings anymore.

I think you both need counselling.
He will have to have counselling anyway if he wants gender reassignment.
It must be really tough OP. It will take a while to get your thoughts in order.

Oh god. Didn't want to read and run. I have no experience of this either. Your poor thing. I underwent their are support groups for wives and partners of people who want to undergo a sex change. Do you want to still be with him? Does he hope for a future where you are both still together?

Bloody hell - I think maybe take a step back and think about how awful his whole life must have been having to live that lie.

I'm sorry you've had such a nasty shock. I don't think you're being horrible to react the way you have. I think it's a completely normal reaction to being deceived so comprehensively and for so long. You've put up with his behaviour, the rejection, the drinking and what thanks do you get? Unsurprising if you feel like a mug.

I'd suggest you both need some time apart so that you have time to think. What he wants is only one side of this. What do you want ? What support are you getting? Who is looking after you?

thetransgenderpartner.wordpress.com/my-partner-is-transgender-mtf-so-what-now/

This is a blog written by a woman whose partner is transgender

The transgenic thing is a red herring btw. This is about attitude, behaviour, trust, selfishness, honesty ... those kinds of things. He has been depressed for a long time and refused to seek treatment. That's a very unfair thing to subject a partner to, whatever the alleged cause. The whole thing sounds incredibly one-sided already without the gender question at all

Sorry you are going through this. I think you both have a lot of soul searching to do. I don't think he is being realistic saying that he never wants to lose you. That is your call. Do you have dc?

It's up to him whether or not he wants to go through the process and become a woman.

It is totally up to you if you want to stay with him. This is a major change and you aren't being selfish or mean if you decide that actually it's not what you want.

Some time apart to really think through what you each want to do individually without the pressure of thinking about what the other person wants is a really sensible idea.

I'm sorry that you are going through this.

Two questions you need to answer for yourself:

(1) Would you accept being married to a transwoman?

(2) If he decides that no, actually he doesn't want to be a woman, can you accept that and move on?

Pippin he seems to think that he can just become a woman and we will carry on in exactly the same way. But then he contradicts himself by saying he doesn't know if he would want to be a woman all the time. I will always love him but (trying not to sound like a horrible person here) I am straight. I don't think I could be in a relationship with a woman (I haven't really considered it). He wants to have more kids (we have a 2 year old DD but I can't even start talking about her as I just feel like he is fucking things up for her and it's too upsetting)

I feel so horrible for him Funky I can't even imagine what it's like living a lie but at the same time I feel upset that he couldn't be honest with me. Am I unapproachable? Am I so scary that the person who I am always completely honest with feels like he can't be honest with me? If it was just the two of us I feel like I could fully support him and even if we weren't together I would always be there. I am pretty open minded but once the initial shock had passed I think I could handle it. But right now I feel like he wants to have his cake and bloody eat it. He wants to live his life as he pleases and at the same time I just need to fit in with that. I don't know if I bloody can.

And now I am being a bloody crap mother by sitting DD in front if the telly while I sit crying and he's sleeping like a baby upstairs.

What a stressful time for you both. It may seem as if he has deliberately lied to you but he may also have been lying to himself... thinking he could change... that loving you would mean he could feel like a man as his body looks like one. I dont know that much about transgender but have friends who do not fit the "norm " partnership so think that your first step might be to find out more about transgender and talk to other DW that havd been in the same position. I am sorry I dont have any links for you but just did not want to read and run. This is the time for you and Dh to have the most honest discussions of your lives and how your relationship changes whether or not you physically stay together.

I think that despite his apparent lies your partner must love you as he could have just chosen ro leave giving some untruth that might have impacted you more re rejection etc ... here he has trusted you with the truth with a huuuuuge revelation that changes the way the whole world will view him... some supportive but also some far less so.

I tried to be practical last night. I said that if that's what he felt that we should find him some counsellors who specialise in gender issues and see the GP. I said that even if he just wanted to explore the process it's not like he's obligated to go through with it.

But the whole time my heart felt like it was screaming. I feel like he's breaking me into bits. All I ever do is try to make him happy, it's draining. The moods, the drinking, refusing to engage with any help. And now I am once again trying to suggest things that might help and his response was "I don't really know if I want to talk to a counsellor or GP"

I mean what does he want from me?!

So you've actually had the 'I don't know what I want' speech..... Net effect is you feeling anxious and guilty wondering how to make it all better while he sleeps soundly.. How manipulative and how selfish.

I'm not buying this at all and suggest you should regard it with suspicion.

Whilst he likely did not intend for you to get hurt, be has deceived you terribly. I would be furious. You don't have to try and stick around to make it work. I agree some time apart might be a good idea. If he wants to transition he would have to start living life 100% as a woman. from what you say, it doesn't sound like he is quite prepared for this. He needs specialist counselling for gender identity issues. And you need some counselling yourself so that your needs and your loss are not forgotten in this.

'All I ever do is try to make him happy'

Classic trap. People like this man are never happy. They never seek actual professional help because they don't want to appear cured or better. The unhappiness is a means to an end. Controlling others

Hi OP, I know this is a lot to take in. Maybe the reason he didn't tell you is because he struggled to accept it himself?

This is going to be a hard time for a while I'm not going to lie to you. I know it's no where near the same as having a DH go through something like this but one of my very close friends is a trans man and I went through the whole thing with him.

First thing to do is some research for you and for your DH. I know you are shocked and upset but it's out in the open now and I think it's time for your DH to finally talk to someone about how he's been feeling all these years. If your DH did decide that he wanted to live as a woman he would have to go through counselling anyway so he's going to have to face it.

There are so many online support groups for family members going through this process please try and find one for yourself. At the moment your DD doesn't need to know anything so do not worry about trying to explain this kind of thing right now.

You need to have a talk with your DH and explain that you are confused and shocked but would like to help him get his thoughts on the matter clear and suggest that you visit the GP with him asap to talk through options.

I'm sorry this sounds so cold and heartless but I really just want to give you some advice you can go off. You both need support right now and I'm assuming your DH isn't ready to confide in other family members so I think counselling is something that needs to be looked at as soon as possible.

I really hope you're okay OP. Please be kind to yourself this is a big thing to go through and I'm sure your DD will be okay watching TV for a bit while you gather yourself.

I think you need to step away from this.

He sounds very difficult to live with and I think he needs to sort himself and his life. It is not really something you can "help" with.

So, I'd take a step back and put the responsibility on him.

It's not your job to fix him. If he's not happy and wants to make changes that's one thing, but not happy and not wanting to do anything about it is another.

It is manipulative to put all the responsibility for his happiness on you and none on himself.

Leaving the whole transgender issue aside, the relationship sounds so one-sided, anyway.

Sounds like you haven't been happy the way things are for awhile, anyway, and I don't think gender reassignment is going to magically cure all that.

As Cogito says he'll probably never be happy, and you'll spend your entire life never getting anywhere.

I used to he good friends with someone who has since had gender reassignment therapy. (FtM in my friend's case.) It is likely your DH will have been battling this his whole life and knowing at 6 years old doesn't seem unreasonable. The moods and the drinking also sound familiar. He should not be making you suffer though. And if he won't go to a counsellor or GP then I suspect it may be partly about being too scared to address the issue & try to be happy. In other words he's after your pity. Why wouldn't he at least try to work out what he wants to do if that weren't the case?

But, YANBU to feel the way you do. No wonder you are confused. You've had a massive shock - your DH has basically said he isn't the person you thought/he presented himself as. He's had years to try to process this, you've had one night so far. He doesn't even sound like he knows what he wants yet, he needs to get himself to a doctor & ask to be referred to someone that can deal with this, that's the first step.

Hugs for you both.

It is understandable that he/she hasn't told you. When he/she said he/she has known since being was 6, has problably also experienced rejection and that many people (perhaps parents and other family and friends) do not accept it, and that would have had a huge impact in how he/she sees himself/herself and how close relationships 'should' be formed.

Can you add a link to this thread of the youtube video being watched, as it could help put into words some questions you could ask.

Firstly it's important that as much as possible you accept him/her and you are willing to love him no matter what. (But he/she needs to understand that you married a man in a straight marriage, so changing sex would make it a completely different marriage. It would be the effective end of your marriage, really, and if your relationship continued, it would then be a different marriage.)

If it were me, I would ask him/her to consider getting well first. Stopping drinking and making healthy choices about eating, alcohol, getting out for some exercise and meeting people. Counselling together and individual therapy. I can see how that can all be problematic when the way one relates to one's own body is an unhappy one of inacceptance, but I would want to know that my LO was making the decision from as healthy a viewpoint as possible, doing as much else as they could to get better. If they were dependent on drunk or drugs and very underweight/not having a healthy diet, I'd argue that they cannot know these thoughts are not an illness speaking. This is still acceptance, you have heard him/her and it is not a rejection, but before making these changes you need to know it is really what your LO wants when they are well. I'd also have questions about why they got married (where was their head then if they had 'known' they were female since they were 6) and in particular why they married me and why this was the first I knew about it. I would have a lot of questions.

*I'd have lots of questions because Id want to hear their story, hear it from them and not jump to conclusions. I can rationalise the behaviour but it is better to ask them, because everyone is different and it is easy to pigeon hole someone as being the same as someone else.

You definately need time apart to digest all of this.
Practically, are you able to luve seperately at least as a temporary measure?
He is expecting an awful lot from you.

"He wants to have more kids"

How is that supposed to happen if he transitions to female, even assuming that you would consider having sex with him/her at that point?