DH wants to become DW, wtf do I do?

[Icriedallnight]

I feel like my entire life is a huge lie. Bit of background, DH has always been prone to bouts if depression. He refuses to seek counselling about it and handles it his own way (by which I mean drinking a lot)

The current bout started about August this year and he's been getting progressively worse. Additionally he started spending a lot of time upstairs on the laptop and taking his phone everywhere. I felt sure that there was an OW and have been looking for signs but in all honesty there hasn't been any dodgy behaviour and all he does is go to work then come home and drink so there wouldn't be the opportunity to meet anyone else.

Last night, I was out for dinner with some friends. I came home about 1.30am and found him sitting in the sofa drunk and sobbing. He was watching a woman being interviewed on a YouTube video (weird!)

I asked what was wrong, and he said "watch this". It then became apparent that the woman being interviewed was transgender and had been born a boy. He then turned to me and said: "I want to be her"

I actually hate him right now. He's fucking lied since the day we met. I asked him how long he had felt like this and he said: " since the age of 6." Turns out all the internet browsing upstairs has been researching the process of becoming a woman.

I don't know what to do, he just cries and says he doesn't ever want to lose me. I love him so much but I feel like I must be a complete idiot- how did I miss this?! I've never had even a vague idea that he felt this way. I am ashamed to say it but I wish he had said there was an OW as then I would just kick him out but this situation feels much worse as it's a total unknown. How can he just have "forgotten" to mention this?! Considering he tells me it's all he thinks about from the minute he wakes up until when he goes to sleep you'd have thought he might have mentioned it

I don't know why I am posting really. I haven't shouted or argued with him (I just feel totally empty) and I just lay in bed crying all night. I feel horrible and I want him to make it better but at the same time as comforting me he's hurting me if that makes sense. Sorry if this isn't coherent, I'm just so tired and my head hurts. I feel sick, I can't eat anything. I don't know whether or not I want to just leave.

This has happened in our family, the initial announcement coming about 8 years ago. The process involves psychiatric assessment and is horribly long and drawn out. Hormone therapy results in no end of ups and downs, guilt and recriminations ( although witnessing the dismay of a man watching how oestrogen affects his hip measurement is interesting). The levels of surgical pain he will encounter are astonishing. Lies will be told, possibly to prevent people getting hurt, probably because it is a way of life for someone who is a stranger to expressing the truth. Double lives continue. They need so much support because they never properly belong to either gender - fiercely rejecting Arthur, struggling to keep up with Martha. Daddy becomes...well - what does she become? I don't contend that those who have this type of body dysmorphia are desperately unhappy, but there seems to be a lot of interest in clothes and a distant lack of interest in what it actually means to be a woman. The person in our family was a miserable man and now she is a miserable woman. I wonder if it's more about the rejection of being a man, rather than the embrace of womanhood. People are often banging the transphobia drum, without any experience of how it shakes a family to its core. It's very cool, no? Well, not from here it's not. If your DH wants this, then fine; it's his choice. I truly do hesitate to say this as it's not my place to pass judgement on your personal situation, but I think that you, my love, should run fast and far. It just doesn't get better, you just end up waiting until they are finally ready to fly that marital nest. You deserve better than this. Remain friends if you want to, but find your own happiness xxx

Whatthe that post was really interesting. I am going to look it up to show H.
Bizarrely enough he has been really teary this last day or two and keeps apologising for all of it. Told him to go back to gp and seek more counselling and actually stick with it for more than 2 sessions as he didn't like the counsellor and said she had no idea what she was talking about as she was born female.

Whatthe Carolyn Gage has written some stuff about the motivations of some FtM transitioners; it's heartbreaking to read but very interesting.

There is quite a lot of material out there about FtM's who change their mind and are quite nastily rejected and shunned by the trans community; that reaction can make it very hard for someone who has transitioned to have the courage to detransition, but there IS support available for them, from other detransitioners, from lesbians and from radical feminists. I'm just mentioning that so that you can let your DD know that it is not a one-way ticket and if she wants to change her mind, she can. Heath Atom Russell has written some good stuff about this and also done some interviews.

I am absolutely cross-eyed with exhaustion so this post may make very little sense - if so, sorry!!

Thank you gincampari
And that sounds like a bomb gone off in your family lily
Counselling might be a good idea for your Dh duchess but iirc you don't have kids with him and if I were you I would get the hell away from him. He sounds really abusive belittling and selfish.
Maybe you could ask your GP for counselling for you? I'm sure you would benefit from it and wouldn't be so hellbent on causing drama all round that you quit after 2 sessions. He sounds toxic in the extreme.
But it is a relief to get this off my chest and I'm so sorry for the hijack icried but it's a relief not to be directed to transparents or whatever or for people to tell me I'll come round in time and I should support his journey. Grrrrr

Hi everyone,

I'm very sorry I vanished but it was turning into a bit of a fight a couple of pages back and I needed time to reflect on my thoughts and feelings.

Last night we sat down and talked. I wish I could say whether he really does want to be a woman or not but to be honest I am not convinced he knows.

When I asked him what makes him feel like he wants to be a woman he said: "I have felt this way since about the age of 7". Later on he then said: "it's because I get on better with women, I have lots of female friends." (Which is true)

I am trying to write a sensible and coherent post here but it's failing me a bit. I reiterated my point about counselling and seeking proper help but that was knocked back. It's as if we now need to just forget all of it and carry on in the same way. I could scream, I can't just stop knowing what he has told me!

This will sound irrational but I am the type of person that when committed to a course of action I follow it through. I am angry because I feel like he is too cowardly now to go for what he says he wants. I mean if he wants it that badly and he is convinced it would make his life so much better than why isn't he doing it?

He said (and this is what really hurt the most) that when we are in bed he looks at me and thinks he wishes he had my figure. That makes me feel like he's never really fancied me, he just wants to imitate me.

If he does really want to be a woman then he's probably more jealous of you than wanting to imitate. The thing I found most shocking was that the MtF in our family said that he was glad that he had had boys, otherwise the jealousy might be too much to bear. It's really very sad. I wouldn't worry that he didn't fancy you though - it's fairly obvious in a man. I think you would have known. I suspect it's more of a cake and eat it scenario.

I've read that post back and it was incredibly badly written. Sorry. I am just tired and I can't think straight.

I think many of you have hit the nail on the head. There's lots of interest in women's clothes but not actually much interest in being a woman. My own personal belief is that there is a huge spectrum about how we relate to our particular gender, I am quite a girlie girl, I like dresses and makeup but that didn't happen until I hit my mid 20's.

As a child I was a total tomboy. I wore boys clothes, I hated dolls and all things pink, I climbed trees and hung out with the local boys. So does that mean I actually should have been born a boy? Of course it doesn't.

Like Lily said, there seems to be a lot of interest in clothes and not much interest in what it is to actually be a woman.

Duchess your posts have made me so sad. I think you deserve so so much more than what your partner is giving you. You sound like a wonderfully kind and supportive person and I don't think the way your partner treats you is anything to do with gender issues. It's because your partner is being an arse! There isn't really a defence for defaulting on payments because she bought a handbag or shoes. I would love to buy many pairs of shoes but like most women I know, I act like a grown up and prioritise putting a roof over our heads!

Whatthe I can only imagine how hard your situation is. As a parent we just want our children to be happy but it's too much too young isn't it? All this talk of aggressive treatment at a time when young minds are still trying to decide who they are is a terribly scary thing. I truly hope that your daughter can find happiness, I am sure with such a wonderful mum she will.

That's so nice of you icried
I feel like I've really failed her fundamentally
She thinks everything to do with being a woman is crap
Is your dh envious of you?
Is he very competitive like duchesses dh?
It's about 6 weeks since my dd came out with this and emailed her school with a list of demands for special treatment and the best advice I've had in terms of how to deal with it day to day was to dial down the drama and kind of take the approach of 'ok very interesting but that doesn't change anything because you've 2years of school left and all you need to focus on is homework and school etc. nobody is being mean but apart from the therapy I'm sort of ignoring it (only on the surface absolutely freaking out inside)
I'm hoping that with therapy and no big fight or drama or mum wringing her hands and friends having to 'be there' and be 'supportive' because of cruel parents etc that the glamour and cool and rebelliousness and high tragedy will be given no oxygen.
But I doubt this approach will work for you? Do you think he is gay or maybe more of a cross-dresser/transvestite than full on transgender needs a sex change?
What a fucking nightmare thoto you

Whatthefucknow - I wonder if it would help your DD if she had some good lesbian role models. Has she met any? Or had any relationships?

Whatthefucknow I was a child who fantasised extensively about being a boy, never played with dolls or girly things, always dressed in boyish clothes and played outside. My sexuality was a big puzzle to me as a teenager and it terrified me. I think perhaps that teenagers need to be free to explore their identity and sexuality, but I really don't agree that hormones and surgery should be a part of this. Big sympathy for what you are going through, and it sounds like you are doing a great job - you have definitely not failed her.

Icriedallnight - Does he know how much this hurts you... or is that not part of his consideration. Are you supposed to just sit on this information and carry on as normal? No wonder you feel angry, he sounds very selfish.

Thanks majestic
I think those are good suggestions.
The psychotherapist that I chose for her is herself gay and specialises in gender/queer/identity issues and so far my dd has been to 5 sessions and they seem to have clicked but obviously I don't know what goes on and haven't spoken to therapist as confidentiality is key to the process.
I'm hoping to god dd will be able to identify with a smart professional gay woman. I just want her to not hate her beautiful little body
I feel for your dh icried it must be horrible to be all confused and not feel at one with yourself.
All that stuff by Caroline gage was v interesting campari

Whatthe you definitely haven't failed your DD. You sound like such a wonderfully supportive mum, I am sure that in years to come (regardless of whether she transitions or not) she will realise that she's lucky to have someone so strong to rely on.

I asked him today if he wants to transition. He replied: "it's too early to know." The problem is that if he won't engage with counselling how is he ever going to find our? It's a total stale mate.

Majestic I don't think he does know how much it hurts. He doesn't really do empathy (have long suspected he may have a degree of autism as he exhibits a great many of the traits)

I was thinking about what it would be like if he became she. And I realised that so much of what I am attracted to are the things that make him masculine, broad shoulders, strong arms. That sounds so cliched but I can't help how I feel. I just can't imagine being with a woman.

I read a lot about those who have detransitioned and a lot of what they were saying resonated as they seemed to think gender reassignment would be the key to total happiness. And it wasn't because the old issues were still there. It scared me massively reading about the number of suicides in people who have transitioned too. How awful to be so unsure of who you are that even after fighting to become the person you believe you should be you are still so unhappy that you feel suicide is the only way out.

I feel so sad. It's like he's dead. That person doesn't exist anymore.

Can't sleep....worried all the time.
icried it's interesting what you say about autistic traits altho I don't know enough about it but my dd is very black and white and not good with ambiguity and we joke about her OCD tendencies. Really hope I'm not insulting people with asd, but are they the kind of things you mean? She's definitely not too empathic either.
I understand what you mean when you say it feels like he is dead. It is the most tremendous feeling of grief for me and I keep bursting into tears when I'm just driving or last week at supermarket checkout
I feel so sad. Where's my lovely little girl? Her brother asked if she would grow her hair back ever. She always had a long silky messy fair ponytail down her back. I miss her Wish I could turn back time. I'd do anything to make this different.....

You can end the relationship if you feel there is nothing there for you. If you feel there is nothing left for you, then you can walk away.

You don't need a reason that makes sense to anyone but yourself.

It sounds as if you are unhappy. It sounds as if he is unhappy.

What is keeping you together, given the depth of the unhappiness?

What I suggest for you is that you find a counsellor to talk to about:
(1) how it feels to have rational and sensible and actually very loving advice from you ignored by him,
(2) how you feel about having yourself cast in the role of spectator to the drama that is his life, with no input from you welcome,
(3) your own needs not really being met, and
(4) what YOU want and how you are going to get that.

You are going to need to talk about the impact this is having on your sense of yourself as a woman, and what it is doing to you as a woman who is a sexual being.

I agree with you, Cote.
I found out my exH had lied about his sexual orientation, by omission anyway. Maybe he was waiting for me to ask if he was gay and then he might have told me. I always got the feeling he was trying to 'out-woman' me and 'out-mother' me with the DCs. He undermined me as the feminine element of the relationship at every turn. He managed to convey to me the impression that nothing I did as the female and feminine partner was ever up to snuff in his eyes. I have felt 1000% better about myself since we parted ways.

Part of what made it impossible for me to accept a relationship with him after finding out his real sexual orientation was the lack of integrity on his part, and what his choice to live a lie and rope me (and five children) into that lie said about how little respect he had for anyone else, how poor his boundaries were, how he thought everyone should orbit around him with no thought to how his choices were affecting those he claimed to love.

I'm sorry you went through all that, math

I totally agree with you - OP needs to remember to think of herself and her own needs within the grand drama of her H.

OP your H sounds emotionally abusive.

How are you now op?