DH wants to become DW, wtf do I do?

[Icriedallnight]

I feel like my entire life is a huge lie. Bit of background, DH has always been prone to bouts if depression. He refuses to seek counselling about it and handles it his own way (by which I mean drinking a lot)

The current bout started about August this year and he's been getting progressively worse. Additionally he started spending a lot of time upstairs on the laptop and taking his phone everywhere. I felt sure that there was an OW and have been looking for signs but in all honesty there hasn't been any dodgy behaviour and all he does is go to work then come home and drink so there wouldn't be the opportunity to meet anyone else.

Last night, I was out for dinner with some friends. I came home about 1.30am and found him sitting in the sofa drunk and sobbing. He was watching a woman being interviewed on a YouTube video (weird!)

I asked what was wrong, and he said "watch this". It then became apparent that the woman being interviewed was transgender and had been born a boy. He then turned to me and said: "I want to be her"

I actually hate him right now. He's fucking lied since the day we met. I asked him how long he had felt like this and he said: " since the age of 6." Turns out all the internet browsing upstairs has been researching the process of becoming a woman.

I don't know what to do, he just cries and says he doesn't ever want to lose me. I love him so much but I feel like I must be a complete idiot- how did I miss this?! I've never had even a vague idea that he felt this way. I am ashamed to say it but I wish he had said there was an OW as then I would just kick him out but this situation feels much worse as it's a total unknown. How can he just have "forgotten" to mention this?! Considering he tells me it's all he thinks about from the minute he wakes up until when he goes to sleep you'd have thought he might have mentioned it

I don't know why I am posting really. I haven't shouted or argued with him (I just feel totally empty) and I just lay in bed crying all night. I feel horrible and I want him to make it better but at the same time as comforting me he's hurting me if that makes sense. Sorry if this isn't coherent, I'm just so tired and my head hurts. I feel sick, I can't eat anything. I don't know whether or not I want to just leave.

Just wanted to say to duchess - I met my now husband in my late 30s and now we are expecting a baby. I ended a relationship when I was 36/7 and was convinced that I would never have children even if I did meet someone 'so late.' You potentially have 50+ years left on this planet - please don't write yourself off! There is love and children out there if you're ballsy enough to get it.

For the OP, I can't imagine the pain you're going through. For me it would end the relationship. I don't want to be in a lesbian relationship or watch the man I love die and be replaced by a woman. Ugh. Part of being in love is having a sexual relationship and obviously I would think that this would end this.

Unlikely he's lying? So far all we've got is a drunk getting maudlin over someone else's story on TV programme. And apparently concluding that he'd like to be a woman part time....

If he's really been struggling with gender identity for most of his life then he's been disgustingly dishonest with you. All along, from the very first moment you met him.

The only way I could deal with this revelation would be to ask him to leave. Permanently. He needs to sort himself out and this is not anything you can help him with yourself. He's the architect of his own destruction and you and your child are collateral damage. I'd find it incredibly hard to forgive him for this. Actually, I know I'd find it impossible.

This is one of the saddest threads I've read on mumsnet.

This is essentislly sexist behaviour. This is a poor man who has gender dys morphia yet you all think he is being selfish!!!!

I get that he has played a false hand, got married and had a baby under false pretences. But look at the language.....disgusted etc being used about trans folk. I get that this thread is from a woman whose life has been blown apart.

But I have to stick up for the people who have been given bodies they are not happy in. They need support, not to be found disgusting. Not to be cut off by their families. It's hideous sexism and I am ashamed of mumsnet. Any other posers of this ilk need to post on more open minded forums. Luckily there are a few.

op I have a friend who went through this. She stayed with her h for two years until he decided he wanted to actually start seeing men, at which point she decided she couldn't carry on. Thing is, what your h wants now may not be the same as he wants in two, five, ten years time, and it's entirely likely the roles will change in that you will be the one seeking something you can never have because of your h's choices. Another thing you may need to consider is the state of your marriage. When my friend's h changed gender everything had to change including his marriage, because he became a she the marriage became invalid because at that point women could not be married to women and their marriage had to be annulled, so not even a straightforward divorce - it had to be obliterated as if it never actually happene, and that in turn added to my friend's hurt. Now the laws on gay marriage have changed so you may not have to face that possibility, but you would need to look into it because your marriage changed before the law did so legally you may have issues. Personally I would start divorce proceedings before potentially being faced with the possibility of a marriage annulment andsubsequent gay marriage.

I realise that many people are saying that it's a dreadful shame that your dh has lived through this all his life, and of course that is the case. But equally he has made choices. he chose to get married, to bring a child into the world, he chose to lie to you and marry you, and regardless of how hard it has been for him to live this lie, he is still responsible for the hurt he has caused to the people he chose to deceive and make a part of his lies. You have no obligation to go along with this and to pledge your support to a person who has lied to you so spectacularly. You didn't deserve any of this, and you have every right to walk away. Equally you do need to consider your dd in this. The damage that could be done to her is immense, and I would seek some advice re how to deal with that. Personally I couldn't put a child through watching their parent undergo such changes and the changes that would bring to the marriage. I would far rather walk away from the marriage to protect my child in the long-term.

It's the OP that is asking for, and getting, support. The DH is responsible for himself. If he wants support there are any number of 'open minded forums', doctors and similar where he could get it.

Why have you put inverted commas around the words open minded forums? Do you think being transgender is wrong? Do you want to make fun of it and belittle it? This man has lived his entire life afraid of what people like you would say and think, and this is the result.

Something if the op's dh was ending the marriage because he had finally decided to live the life he had always wanted to live then people may be inclined to feel more sympathy for his situation, while at the same time supporting the op. Regardless of what a hard time he is going through it is still devastating for the people who are hurt in the process, people who haven't done anything wrong and would never have got involved with someone who was about to come out as transgender.

But in this instance not only does the h want understanding of his predicament but he essentially wants the op to live as if nothing has happened, still stay in the marriage with him, try for another baby ffs and all the while he wants to potentially change his life and consider himself a woman? Even the most heartbreaking of circumstances does not mean that the person going through them has the right to treat those around them however they want and excuse that on the basis of what they have to cope with.

If the op's dh wants to live as a woman then he should be free to do that. but if he then goes ahead with living as a woman he does have a responsibility for the hurt he has caused to the people he has knowingly involved in his deception - the woman he chose to marry, the daughter he chose to conceive within his sham of a marriage.

The op isn't a lesbian. She chose to marry a man, she wants to stay married to a man. That doesn't make her transgender. People who are transgender have the right to live however they want. But we all have our sexual preferences, that doesn't make us trans or homophobic. I wouldn't marry a woman because I'm not attracted to women. Therefore if I married a man I would be perfectly within my rights to walk away if they suddenly decided they wanted to be a woman, on the basis that if they had been a woman when we'd met I wouldn't have married them in the first place.

The man is a morose drunk who is opting out of family life and maing the OP miserable. That's all we know for sure. He's not had a diagnosis of depression because he won't seek help. Now he's pointing at a YouTube video and saying he fancies being female some of the time.

Now you may think this instantly earns him masses of respect and compassion but I'd rather save that for the one in who is already on ADs and genuinely suffering.

No one understands the struggles more than I do. I fully understand that society has a long way to go before a lot of transpeople are able to be open and honest about who they really are.
Perhaps a lot of wives and families wouldn't be put through this if society was more accepting and support for transpeople ,most of whom go through hell themselves, was more openly available.

OP my advice is don't go on internet based trans help/advice websites. It will jyst lead you to believe that you are not good/strong/accepting enough when in reality your life has just been blown apart by this secret

Being transgender isn't wrong but lying to your life partner for years about feeling transgender is extremely wrong. This guy is a miserable, moaning, selfish person whether male or female.

OP, I have no doubt that if he started transitioning something else would be used to scapegoat his depression and alcohol abuse.

I wholeheartedly agree with Ehric.

"But I have to stick up for the people who have been given bodies they are not happy in. They need support, not to be found disgusting."

Why do you "have to"? And why do you think sticking up for such people in this thread would be helpful to the OP?

I do think the OP's husband is disgusting and so is his behaviour. He's a lair and probably always has been. He's courted and married her, and fathered a child under completely false pretences. And now has proposed that not very much changes for the moment since his revelation and has the nerve to imagine that the OP could be happy having another child with him. If that's not disgusting I really don't know what is.

It's all very well calling for "understanding and empathy" from grown adults when it's not you going through this sort of hell, but what about children caught up in something they're not able to comprehend? Where's the empathy for them?

If you'd like to have a discussion about gender dysmorphia or whatever it's called I really don't think this is a suitable place for it and I find your comments completely and utterly unhelpful. I doubt the OP is finding any of this particularly helpful either. What with finding the whole of her life with this man was built on sand and with a broken heart and all.

As Cog said, OP is here asking for some support.

If her DH wants the same support there are places he can log into. Like here they will have their own biases - I hope Cog would describe this place as 'open minded' too. It is what it is and has its own common precepts, so OP will get a certain set of responses - and I too would say stay away from any trans sites, OP. They will leave you feeling utterly miserable and mean.

All you have to do is work out if you want to support him any more.

A colleague at work transitioned over a number of years, he is happy now, a very important, international customer facing position. Some staff wondered how the bosses 'allowed' her to become him whilst still doing the job, said it would bring us into disrepute. Turned out one of the biggest clients recommended a good surgeon and another a voice coach. So it isn't all doom and gloom for anyone wanting to find out about it.

But everyone has the right to say 'sod that for a game of soldiers' when someone's behaviour has an impact on their life. You say 'the heart wants what the heart wants' - but what your heart wants no longer exists, OP. Take time for yourself, think it through as selfishly as you can. Then make your own decision.

Good luck.

It's perfectly okay not to be okay with carrying on with a relationship with him OP.

I sometimes get the feeling that women who find themselves in this situation are subtly being told they should just accept what's happening. As if they have no say in entering what is now essentially a gay relationship.

Just a feeling I get that the women should be cool with it all and hey ho that's life.

Not a gay relationship even....a totally sexless female friendship where one person makes all the rules.

Oh my dear how I feel for you. But I second everything cogito says as usual she is spot on.
My child thinks they are transgender too. I'm v sceptical. I've done tons of research and gender reassignment surgery is only helpful in the short term and then they get depressed again and suicide rates shoot up. I'm against it for this reason.
Look up dr Paul mchugh.
We are opting for psychotherapy and family counselling but ultimately it won't be my choice.
It's massively distressing, bizarre and unimaginable when you've known someone for years and they come out with it.
I think it's a result of a massive backslide in feminism and rigid conservative binary roles for genders. What does it mean to be male or female anyway? It's just biology and changing sex is biologically impossible. Gender reassignment surgery is really just plastic surgery.
I'd be worried that your dh is a chronic moanyguts who will never be happy. What he's asking of you now is too much IMHO.

@Zucker.... I think you're quite right. Women get told to do all kinds of demeaning things in the interests of keeping a relationship going and, frankly, it's appalling.

I certainly do think this place is open-minded Nomama. I see all kinds of support for all kinds of alternative lifestyles. What I also see - thankfully - is a keen nose for cruelty and bullshit.

Haven't a clue what to say! You poor thing this is awful . But how selfish of him. Why did he get married then ? So you could live a live a lie? He has used you the covert fool . I would tell him to leave so that you can form some kind of plan . Take control !

"rigid conservative binary roles for genders. What does it mean to be male or female anyway"

Whatthefucknow, I completely agree. This is what I am inclined to think about it, but have not been able to articulate.

Whatthefucknow another one here, liking how you put it.

I really hate the idea of surgery on healthy bodies

I don't want to hijack this thread but I have very strong feelings on this.
First and foremost what a tremendous shock this is for you OP. It's just so weird.
You love the person but as far as I'm concerned you just think....well I wish I was born tall and blonde and then my life would be perfect....eh too bad. I've to get on with it.
I think Michael Jackson wishes he was white and mutilated himself to that end. It's simply awful.
My daughter who is tiny and dainty has been offered testosterone so she can grow a beard and big muscles; a donor penis (yes, there is such a thing) to attach to her little perfect body or the doctor said maybe a strap on.
Does this make any sense?
She thinks she is a boy because she hates make-up, she fancies girls, and she is smart and decisive and a strongly opinionated person.
It makes me so sad that because of her experience of the world none of these attributes are feminine or womanly.
I think that to be smart, or gay, or hate to have your self-worth predicated on your sex appeal to men does not mean you can't be a woman. But in her school girls have long hair, short skirts, lashings of make-up and pretend to be silly or ditzy to be attractive. She isn't that. But she isn't a boy.
I feel that I've let her down. When I was growing up we had loads of gender benders like Annie Lennox and David Bowie and more. I had a skinhead and I hated being 'girly'.
I don't know. I'm so lost. I never let her have Barbie dolls or pink stuff and brought her to scouts and bought her a skateboard. But I wanted her to feel she could be anything.
Didn't anticipate that anything would mean male.
Sorry OP for the hijack. My heart goes out to you. It's a headwreck.

Whatthefucknow that must be horrible. I don't know any trans myself and I hope I would take them as I find them, but I hate the concept, all revolving around a very modern development in surgery.

What,
I don't know enough about transgender, but the reasons she gave you may be because she can't explain it well and I'm not sure it can be explained.

Earlier I tried to imagine me as a man and it just felt weird. I dont know why. And I'm not girly, nor particularly womanly.
Conversely, it must be impossible to explain why it only makes sense to have a male body.
I'm sure people can get used to it and do their best, but the reality is that very few people do nothing to change their appearance.
But the con