DH wants to become DW, wtf do I do?

[Icriedallnight]

I feel like my entire life is a huge lie. Bit of background, DH has always been prone to bouts if depression. He refuses to seek counselling about it and handles it his own way (by which I mean drinking a lot)

The current bout started about August this year and he's been getting progressively worse. Additionally he started spending a lot of time upstairs on the laptop and taking his phone everywhere. I felt sure that there was an OW and have been looking for signs but in all honesty there hasn't been any dodgy behaviour and all he does is go to work then come home and drink so there wouldn't be the opportunity to meet anyone else.

Last night, I was out for dinner with some friends. I came home about 1.30am and found him sitting in the sofa drunk and sobbing. He was watching a woman being interviewed on a YouTube video (weird!)

I asked what was wrong, and he said "watch this". It then became apparent that the woman being interviewed was transgender and had been born a boy. He then turned to me and said: "I want to be her"

I actually hate him right now. He's fucking lied since the day we met. I asked him how long he had felt like this and he said: " since the age of 6." Turns out all the internet browsing upstairs has been researching the process of becoming a woman.

I don't know what to do, he just cries and says he doesn't ever want to lose me. I love him so much but I feel like I must be a complete idiot- how did I miss this?! I've never had even a vague idea that he felt this way. I am ashamed to say it but I wish he had said there was an OW as then I would just kick him out but this situation feels much worse as it's a total unknown. How can he just have "forgotten" to mention this?! Considering he tells me it's all he thinks about from the minute he wakes up until when he goes to sleep you'd have thought he might have mentioned it

I don't know why I am posting really. I haven't shouted or argued with him (I just feel totally empty) and I just lay in bed crying all night. I feel horrible and I want him to make it better but at the same time as comforting me he's hurting me if that makes sense. Sorry if this isn't coherent, I'm just so tired and my head hurts. I feel sick, I can't eat anything. I don't know whether or not I want to just leave.

I think you've hit the nail on the head Cogito. He is never happy.

Before we met he was living alone, getting drunk alone every night and living off microwave dinners. He can't (won't?) do anything for himself.

He doesn't really have any friends, when we first met I thought it was because he was a bit misunderstood and shy but over time I have come to see that it's because he's pretty selfish. He will only do something if it benefits him in some way. When we were dating it was always me making plans and arrangements, in all honesty if I had just disappeared one day he never would have chased after me.

But then on the other side of the coin he would always say how isolated he was. How he'd never met anyone like me and that I was so positive and fun and that made him feel better.

The thing is that on paper it's a pretty crap relationship but the heart wants what the heart wants. I love this guy.

Ironically I've been on ADs and having counselling for a while, I escaped a DV/sexually abusive relationship before I met him and I'm trying to pick my self esteem up off the floor in an attempt to set a good example to my daughter.

Only he can sort himself out, leave him to it. You're not obligated to stay with him. If you can't be attracted to trans women and don't want one as a partner then there's no future for your marriage.

I think counselling is the first point of call. Don't make any decisions until your both calm, thought it out, found out the options available etc
I am sure there are online support groups out there. Try some LGBT forums.
Given he has lied (to you and himself) about this for so long it's going to cause issues which will take a long time to work through.

I could have written your post OP.
I was you 2 years ago.
We are still together but it is hard, we argue a lot, sex has totally stopped as he now feels his penis is no longer part of him and can no longer sustain an erection as it is "dishonest"
He has decided that he is not going through with reassignment as I have made it quite clear that what would essentially be a lesbian relationship is not for me.
Instead we have no physical relationship and live as flatmates.
Our finances took a major hit as he spent hundreds of pounds on women's clothing and designer handbags ( which he at least lets me borrow)
Things for us have settled a little. My compromise is that we go out a couple of times a month with him 'dressed',
usually to the gay village in Manchester as I feel safe here.
On the bright side OP he will never be able to moan at you spending too much money on clothes/ makeup again xx

But then he contradicts himself by saying he doesn't know if he would want to be a woman all the time

This is a bit of a red flat to me. He sounds very confused. It's a big decision and not lightly reversed. Get him to read this as an example of what can go wrong:

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2776090/Transsexual-10-000-surgery-NHS-wants-man-again.html

I think CoteDAzur above has identified the key questions for you.

Focus on you right now and accept you are bound to feel betrayed and blindsided. And you are entitled to feel like that. It's normal.

I would feel as you do & I second every one of Cognito's posts.

I understand that he must be going through hell as well and that it must be beyond hard for him... however, he has to take responsibility for bringing you into it - and your DD. I know he was probably trying his best to ignore it and live as a man but he knew and you didn't. He needs to understand that he has just dropped a bomb in your relationship and this is now, no longer, all about him.

I feel really sad for people who have been born in a body they don't feel is right and I totally support their decision to change. There was a Mum posting on her about her DD changing to her DS and her posts were amazing - her shock but acceptance of it was incredible and I would like to think that if it was my child I could be like her and if I could be half as wonderful as she has been I'd consider it an accomplishment.

But for me there are two issues here - one being that your DH has said he's not even sure he wants to be a woman all of the time. Does he really feel he's been born into the wrong body or does he want to be both - that I would find much hard to cope with and secondly, as an adult he chose to lie to you about it, marry you and have a child with you.

I know I couldn't support my DH through this, I just couldn't. It would mean divorce and counselling for me to help my children cope with it.

Duchess - can I ask, why are you choosing to live like this? Why don't either of you think it would be better to separate and live the lives you want to live?

There are more ways to abuse someone than physical assault. People exert control by using all kinds of ways to manipulate someone emotionally and make them dependent. Nothing is out of bounds .... alleged mental health issues, childhood trauma, 'stress' in the workplace.... when it comes to creating feelings of guilt and obligation. It's then no longer 'what the heart wants' but a toxic dependency.

Reading through again, it seems that you have given the answers to some of my questions already. Well if he doesn't know if he would be happy in a female body all the time, what does that mean? That he actually would be happy in a man's body sometimes and that there are things about being in a man's body that he likes? Or just that nobody is happy all the time, that it isn't going to change his personality? That he'd become a misunderstood, shy, selfish female with no friends? He needs to see a counseller.

Or is it that he only has these thoughts of questioning his identity like tjis when he is severely depressed? This needs to be taken to a counsellor.

But he still wants more kids? As a man? This needs to be taken to a counsellor.

I don't see how you can carry on unless he sees a counsellor, really. He could uncover some horrible childhood trauma which could be very painful, or he accepts he is transgender and he needs to accept that he has behaved deceitfully (for whatever reasons) or he needs to learn to look after his health to stop wrecking his mind and start building his marriage and some friendships. His call.

FeelingBlue what a very hard thing you have gone and are going through.

Your post is lovely & I am sure it will help the OP.

It's what I was trying to say about knowing he hasn't hurt the OP on purpose, that it must be hell for him. I'm on the fence though about it being a choice to have a wife and family knowing this is how you feel - I get that you want it all to go away, I get that you want a 'normal' life... but I also think that the person needs to understand how betrayed the other person feels by that and not just focus on their own feelings.

I hope that more young people feel this is something that 'just is' and isn't shameful and that they can do something about it. For themselves and for others.

Cogito, you are so sensible as usual.

you both took on specific roles when you met, based on the people you were.

you wanted to rescue him. don't spend the rest of your life doing that op. what about you?

it doesn't sound as though the problems would go away even if this hadn't surfaced.

He's not a man trapped in a woman's body. He's depressed and flailing around for something to fix him.
I think that he's drinking even more than you already suspect. Pre gender reassignment counselling should flag that up, if not as his biggest problem now, then as one which is making 'working' on anything else impossible.
But honestly OP I doubt he'll even make it as far as the first GP appointment- he's flailing around miserably in a fog of alcohol and depression and making it your problem.

You can't help your H with this. Only he and hours with proper counselling can sort him out.

All you can do is look after yourself and your DC with the appropriate support for you and them if he goes through this.

I don't think this will make your DH happy from what you say.

I do think it will make you unhappy which is not good for you or DC or supporting him as a friend.

How about a temporary separation so he can sort out his confusions without it being in your face every day?

If your H then goes on with this you have already started the painful step of separation.

If he doesn't go ahead then he can work on any issues he has and you may rebuild your relationship.

He wants me to stay. I still love him. Occasionally I still get a glimmer of the man I married.
I have come to terms with parts of it. It would be easier if he would let me see it as 2 people but he views this as constrictive.
I think that he thinks if he does this slowly and pushes a little at a time he will get more.
My family found out and disowned me for staying with him calling us a "pair of disgusting perverts who deserved each other" I lost my job due to long stress/depression related absences so am trapped.
We do get along sometimes though and he says he still loves me and nothing has changed for him.
We were ttc at the time of my finding out.
I am now late 30s and it is too late to start again. I just want my husband back.

OP try the beaumont society.

Thanks to all who are posting to support the Icriedallnight , and sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time OP.

Duchess

He wants you to stay - of course he does. Cake & eat it.

You still love him - well the man he was - of course you do x

I have come to terms with parts of it. It would be easier if he would let me see it as 2 people but he views this as constrictive

Entitled or what. He's asking you to accept it, entirely on his terms, he's very very selfish and you are allowing him to be.

I think that he thinks if he does this slowly and pushes a little at a time he will get more

Sadly, he's probably right.

My family found out and disowned me for staying with him calling us a "pair of disgusting perverts who deserved each other"

That's so sad. Very sad. Your family are crap they should be supporting you through this very very difficult time.

I lost my job due to long stress/depression related absences

Grrrr

so am trapped

NO, no, you are not. We have a benefits system in this country and it's for everyone. You would be OK, really you would

We do get along sometimes though and he says he still loves me and nothing has changed for him

No, nothing has changed for him, everything has changed for YOU :(

We were ttc at the time of my finding out

What has happened to that?

I am now late 30s and it is too late to start again

*No, no it's NOT. I know it must feel like it, but it's really not. You have decades of your life left, decades. You can't live like this :(

I just want my husband back

:( my love, that's not going to happen. Your husband will be less of the man he was when you married him day by day. You will end up in your 50's hating him for this if you don't get out. I know that late 30's feels 'to late to start again' but love, it really isn't xx

Duchess your relationship sounds really difficult, do you ever feel like just cutting your losses and moving on?

Feelingblue thankyou so much for that insightful and honest post. I totally understand why you still refer to your dad as "he". I feel terribly sorry for anyone who feels so trapped and unhappy and it would be cruel to deprive someone of the chance to be the person they feel they truly are.

YeGods from what he has said, these feelings have been around since early childhood and the fact he can't live as a woman manifests itself in the drinking and depression (I could touch on the fact that the drinking will be playing a large part in the depression but I'm not sure what he'd say)

I get the impression that he believes everything would be better if he could just be a woman. But like you say, it's not going to change his personality, he will still be the same person inside.

Today he has said he thinks maybe he should just carry on as things are and push the feelings down as he doesn't think his family would ever support him and he doesn't want people to laugh at him. But it's not that easy now, this isn't some drunken conversation we had where we can laugh about it and move on. What's known cannot be unknown.

Regardless of his/her gender, if physical health and mental health are being neglected there's never going to be happiness.

Duchess, you're not trapped, it's hard to leave but you'll get through it. He is not the man you loved or thought he was, you're still young enough to build a happy life for yourself, find a man that is what you want, loves you back and have a baby if that's your wish. You'd want to get cracking though. Don't waste any more of your life on this selfish person, you only get one life, live it to make yourself happy.

You have to start putting yourself first. He's messing you about with all this highly emotive stuff, claiming he doesn't know what he wants and dragging you down in the process. What are you getting out of the relationship?

Stop with the guilt over the tv. It won't harm her unless you are letting her watch inappropriate stuff.

If he doesn't want to talk to anyone how does he expect to become a woman.

Are you sure this is not an elaborate plan to break up the marriage without looking like the bad guy?

I suggest he goes home to his parents for a while so you can have some time to think about whether you want to stay with him through this process or walk away now, for all the reasons cog has said. It is not a great relationship even without this whim about becoming a part time woman .

Look after yourself and your toddler.

I'm so sorry you're facing such a massive upheaval, op.

We have a friend who went through this, but he did go through gender reassignment and is now living happily with her boyfriend.

Originally, she was married with 3 chiLdren, and her wife went through some very difficult times, as you are now. They stuck together for a long time until the final surgery, after which our friend moved out and lived separately.

TBH, your h has been being at least as dishonest with himself as he has been with you, though I don't think that excuses anything. I understand that he has been desperately trying to prove to himself that he's a normal bloke and all that, but he hasn't given much thought to how that affects the people he has used in the process. Nor did our friend.

However, once he had decided to go ahead with the gender reassignment process, they were both very open about it. They went and talked to the children's schools too, and also to other organisations they had contact with and so on. It was really hard for them both for a while, but it got better.

You need counselling, op. Whether your h goes any further or not, you will find it hard to get past this revelation, whether you decide to leave or stay, neither is going to be easy to move on from.

Whatever you decide you want though, don't bury this. If you brush it under the carpet it will always be there, and h will carry on drinking, being a moody bastard. Unless he's lying, of course, but that's unlikely.