Is it really "shared" custody if he doesn't provide a bedroom for dd?

[GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe]

I am attempting to seperate amicably with my partner, with whom I have a 3 yo.

He has always been a very hands on father. He will be doing pick ups mid week, and 2 over nights, this fits with both our work schedules. He earns about 2/3 what I do.

I need to have her 5 nights/week as I need to do drop offs to preschool. One of the nights he has her will be midweek. He has announced that when he moves out he will be getting a one bed place or sharing a 2 bed place with a friend as this is all he can afford. Dd will have to just have a camp bed or be in with him. Although she often still ends up in our bed at night, I think once she is at proper school next year she will need her own bed and room.

It would never be an option for me to get a one bed place or share with someone, I have no choice I feel but to provide a proper home for dd. we agreed to shared custody so no maintenance was payable either way, but is it acceptable that he is not providing a proper "home" environment for dd or paying maintenance just because he earns less than I do?

Obviously not. It doesn't sound much like 50:50 to me.

Yes that is what I think. He seems to think I am rolling in it, but the fact is I will have to take on the cost of running a family home by myself while he gets to play at being a student and not paying any maintenance.

The actual, physical time he has dd willbe around 50:50, and we will share all other childcare costs 50:50, but I feel the main cost of having a child is actually housing them I.e. Rent, so I feel it is unfair that I will have to incur that cost, and essentially have no other choice as one if us has to, while he gets to essentially live in a house share.

It's not acceptable that he's no paying maintenance.

It is acceptable imo that he sleeps his daughter on a camp bed or with him, until he can come to a more suitable arrangement.

Kids are versatile and would adapt to sleeping on the moon as long as it meant close contact with their parents.

"It would never be an option for me to get a one bed place or share with someone, I have no choice I feel but to provide a proper home for dd."

Lucky you.

Now spare a thought for the thousands of parents who do what they can to keep any sort of roof over their kid's heads.

Remember, most people are only an accident/illness away from poverty and having to make do with what we can, to keep our families together.

I think it's really sad and seriously bizarre to be moaning about the fact that you will be paying for a home with more than one room because you have your daughter 5 nights a week and think it's not fair because he can't afford more than one room and will only have her two nights.

Not fair on you? That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in such a situation. Most parents wonder whether it is right for the child-will they be comfortable,have privacy etc. They don't go 'wah,it's not fair,I have to pay for an extra bedroom'. She lives with you,of course you bloody do!

Ok, so if I feel that dd should have a bed/room at at least one of our houses (as would happen if we had a place together) and that house happens to be mine, does that mean I am technically the resident parent? My understanding is that she would have two homes, one with each of us. Would it be reasonable for me to get a one bed place then, or share with a friend just could I would be better off? To me my priority would be securing a home that was suitable to house both of us adequately.

I.e. Would it be ideal for her to sleep on a camp bed 7 nights a week, and if not, why should it be me who ensures she has a proper bed 5 nights out of 7 if we are supposed to be sharing custody?

You're being ridiculous.

There are many non-resident parents who only have 2 nights a week and a one bed home.

That is exactly the point I am trying to make, she needs a room and privacy. I am more than happy to provide that for her, she lives with me. She is meant to be living with him too though if he has shared custody.

Because you are having the 5 nights ffs

He is not supposed to be a non resident parent. We are supposed to be sharing custody, hence no maintenance being paid either way.

The only reason I am doing 5 nights is because he starts work so early he won't be able to do drop offs. However he will be doing pick-ups and evenings.

If you do five nights, how is it shared custody?

Anyway, he doesn't have to have her 50:50 to not pay you maintenance - you can agree that between you if it makes sense for you both. But really - if he can't afford a two bedroom place, what can he do?

She doesn't need her own room in either of your places - you can get a one bed place and put a curtain down the middle when she's older

If you're truly sharing time and costs then there's no reason or need for one to provide more than the other

Though I appreciate you might want to

Also, she's 3, by this time next year he may well have figured something else out - I'm sure he'd prefer a bigger flat/not to share if at all poss.

You're not sharing residency if you're doing 5 nights - it's the nights that count not the hours

Essentially, my partner is saying "wag it's not fair, why should I have to pay for an extra room for my daughter", I am not saying that at all.

By the way, which address will be used for school applications? Does the parent getting CB live there and is she registered for a GP there?

" He has announced that when he moves out he will be getting a one bed place or sharing a 2 bed place with a friend as this is all he can afford"

Do you think it's untrue then?

Has he said that? All I can see is you going 'wah' because you think it's unfair on YOU

You might get more specific advice about custody and maintenance on the legal thread. I totally see your point.

I will find it very difficult to continue to afford our two bedroom place on my own if I'm honest, but I will have to try to ensure she still has a room and her own space.

Poor kid

You seem to be completely overlooking her need and her right to be with her father, while taking a sniffy point scoring attitude.

Sort out the maintenance (that really does need looking into) and butt out of her 2 night sleeping arrangement.

Just put the most important person first in all this...and that's your child (by the way).

I feel I have already tried to be more than fair as I am aware he earns less than me, but I feel he is rather taking liberties to think he can live in a house share and call it shared custody and avoid paying maintenance. I have no problem with financially supporting my daughter, trust me. It rather feels he does though.

I don't see how it can be 50-50. Surely if she sleeps at yours she's there for 12 hours minimum 5 nights a week. Then she's at pre school. Is he spending all of the rest of the time with her? It sounds as if you have more than 50% of the caring and need to organise maintenance to fund the house.

To answer your question: I don't think that it is fair that he pay no maintenance and you have her 5 nights pw. I do think that when he does have dd its acceptable to put her up on a camp bed. She's only 3, it'll be fine.