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Original poster

Is it really "shared" custody if he doesn't provide a bedroom for dd?

152 replies

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 16/10/2014 23:28

I am attempting to seperate amicably with my partner, with whom I have a 3 yo.

He has always been a very hands on father. He will be doing pick ups mid week, and 2 over nights, this fits with both our work schedules. He earns about 2/3 what I do.

I need to have her 5 nights/week as I need to do drop offs to preschool. One of the nights he has her will be midweek. He has announced that when he moves out he will be getting a one bed place or sharing a 2 bed place with a friend as this is all he can afford. Dd will have to just have a camp bed or be in with him. Although she often still ends up in our bed at night, I think once she is at proper school next year she will need her own bed and room.

It would never be an option for me to get a one bed place or share with someone, I have no choice I feel but to provide a proper home for dd. we agreed to shared custody so no maintenance was payable either way, but is it acceptable that he is not providing a proper "home" environment for dd or paying maintenance just because he earns less than I do?

OP posts:
SeattleGraceMercyDeath · 17/10/2014 08:36

The OP said she could only just afford the two bedroomed place yet is criticising her ex for not considering a 3 bed share/2 bed place of his own despite earning only 2/3rds of her salary and providing overnight care for only 2 nights. Sounds like he is making the best of a bad job.

Penfold007 · 17/10/2014 08:37

You know how much he earns so check out local rents, if you are going to struggle to afford two beds then surely he will too?

As your daughter will sleep at your house 5/7 of the week it isn't a 50/50 split and he will be assessed for maintenance. There are csa calculators online and check Turn2Us as you may be able to claim tax credits, housing benefit etc. As your ex only has daughter fir 2/7 he is only 'entitled' to one bedroom if he claims housing benefit.

walde · 17/10/2014 08:38

I don't have anything much to add. But I just want to say that I have no idea why you are getting such a roasting on here. I understand exactly where you are coming from. I would expect your ex to provide a proper home for your dd just like you are doing. A roll out bed in a shared house doesn't sound great.

Vivacia · 17/10/2014 08:44

I don't think she's getting a hard time - I think people are genuinely unable to decipher what it is she wants.

Vivacia · 17/10/2014 08:44

I would expect your ex to provide a proper home for your dd just like you are doing. A roll out bed in a shared house doesn't sound great.

But plenty of loving, hard-working parents can't afford anything but this!!

MrsSnail · 17/10/2014 08:45

Not read the whole thread so apologies if this has been covered.
I've just been through a court case with my ex who wanted shared residence of our 4 yr old dd. the fact that she has her own room here, as well as being registered for GP/ dentist here and me being the parent in receipt of CTC and CB were all mentioned when the judge gave me residency and him access and denied the 'shared care' request.
He argued that she has a room at his house, that he sleeps on the sofa when shes there ( she says this isn't true btw) but the judge said if his clothes and stuff are kept in that room its not 'hers' and therefore she doesn't have her own room there

fifi669 · 17/10/2014 09:46

I think it's friendly between you, he has her while you are working and vice versa. Regardless of the official sleeping over ratios you admit that he does actually have her 50% of the time. Why would you want to rock the boat? Would getting a 2 bed or paying maintenance (you say he pays 50% of costs already) mean he has to work more? That would mean seeing your child less and you arranging childcare for when you're at work. Is that really the best option?

Letitbee · 17/10/2014 10:30

Unless he is abusing or neglecting her what he does with her o 'his' time and how he runs his finances is really no longer your concern and to be honest very unhealthy long term for you to get your knickers in a twist about. As long as the day time care and expenses are really shared and it suits both your jobs - get on with it ;)

prettywhiteguitar · 17/10/2014 10:40

Actually his finances are entirely the op's business !

I think you should have sorted out maintenance but he is paying childcare costs so how much is that ? I get a minimum amount if maintenance have up provide a roof over ds's head and pay childcare. Ex has no concept of exactly how much childcare is and he certainly couldn't afford it.

I think you might find based on his income maintenance would be worked out at less than the contribution towards childcare ? So if I were you I would ask for a token amount ? £50 a month towards costs and leave it at that, that is depending on how much childcare is.

There seem to be a lot of posters commenting and picking a fight rather than looking at the op'a situation. Hmm

Letitbee · 17/10/2014 11:19

How he spends his money is not her business. If he needs to or should pay maintenance is a different thing.

WaltzingWithBares · 17/10/2014 11:19

You are getting a hard time on here OP, others are being unnecessarily harsh.

That said, I've only read page 1 and 5 of the thread.

Depending on your income, I presume you are getting tax credits and child benefit. If that's the case, I guess it's 'fair'. Agree with others that he should be paying maintenance though. With my ex, I had to threaten him with the CSA unfortunately, but it worked. He now pays an acceptable amount per month.

Good luck.

EvilEmperorZurg · 17/10/2014 11:28

My children (12 and 5) would happily share my bedroom if they could. I don't think it's that big a deal that she wouldn't have her own room in her fathers place.

MrsCakesPrecognition · 17/10/2014 11:38

It seems very wasteful to spend a lit of money (when money is tight) on a room which will be unused approx. 20 nights a month.
Surely that money could be better spent on something which truly benefit your DD, either now (eg. Maintenance payments allowing you and her to stay in her familiar home) or in the future (eg. ExP saving towards better accommodation for when she older and needs more space).

Twinklestein · 17/10/2014 11:55

There is no way that a 3 year old of mine would staying somewhere with random male flatmate/s. What happens when they bring their mates home, women home, get drunk, take drugs, anything? You have no control over the environment. Do that, personally I would veto.

If he genuinely cannot afford anywhere but a one bed that will have to do until she's older. I don't think it's appropriate for an older girl, she will need her own space. Wherever you are, particularly if you're in the London area, potentially he could move further out to afford a 2 bed.

Twinklestein · 17/10/2014 11:57

So that not Do that ^^

DoItip · 17/10/2014 12:01

She needs a proper bed if one can be provided for most nights. As you are having her those nights I think you should provide a bed and he should provide a portion of the money to pay for that bed. I'd hope he would want to.

DoItip · 17/10/2014 12:03

I don't think he needs to provide a 2 bed place himself until she is older. Would expect him to not flat share though. I don't think it's appropriate.

ArsenicChaseScream · 17/10/2014 12:41

OP Forget the bedroom issue for a moment, it seems a bit of a red herring.

2 nights/ 5 nights is NOT 50/50 shared residence anyway. How have you and your ex ended up in a situation where you are pretending it is?

Call a spade a spade. Accept that you have primary residence, he has staying contact (overnights) two nights per week. Go from there.

YonicScrewdriver · 17/10/2014 12:42

"potentially he could move further out to afford a 2 bed."

If he does, he may not be able to combine work and childcare as he does now.

"What happens when they bring their mates home, women home, get drunk, take drugs, anything? You have no control over the environment. Do that, personally I would veto."

I think OP has no grounds in law to veto this. She says he's a good dad - he's sharing with a friend and not a random from the newspaper. Plenty of people don't do drugs at all!

captainproton · 17/10/2014 12:56

I think you need to sort out maintenance and then let him get on with his own life and so long as he pays money on time, and provides somewhere warm and safe for your child to sleep at nights with him, then don't worry about it at all.

You have chosen to separate and you need to separate your thoughts about what he should or should not be doing, where he lives, his job, his partners, holidays, house rules, etc are not up for discussion with you. You likewise don't have to justify your life to him either. Maybe he is saving up to buy somewhere, maybe he just can't afford it, but it's not your business anymore. It's hard to do but focussing on what your ex is or is not doing is not going to help either of you move on and if you moan at him at all about this it will only cause resentment and then things don't start to be amicable at all. Then your child will grow up watching you both nit pick each other's parenting choices and it's not healthy.

My DH lived on a sofa bed for 2 years when his ex split up with him, DSS had to stay there with him. He did this to save up for his own place as he was starting from scratch again.

You have to get your head around this now, you are not parenting together as a couple, there will be two sets of rules and customs and it will be easier if you didnt try to influence what happens in the other home.

Allhallowspeeve · 17/10/2014 12:59

Yes to arsenic.

It's not shared custody and he still has to pay support for your child.

Twinklestein · 17/10/2014 13:14

If he does, he may not be able to combine work and childcare as he does now

Or he might be able to combine it perfectly well.

I think OP has no grounds in law to veto this. She says he's a good dad - he's sharing with a friend and not a random from the newspaper. Plenty of people don't do drugs at all!

I don't care what the law says - in this case they're avoiding going to law anyway. No 3 year old of mine would ever be allowed to share with a random male flatmate full stop. That's something they can thrash out between them. Being a good dad and choosing your friends wisely is not necessarily commensurate. The dad has no control over what the mate does, who he brings home, how much he drinks. Thanks for letting me know not everyone does drugs otherwise I wouldn't have known...

Castlemilk · 17/10/2014 13:19

He is not sharing custody - practically, legally, financially.

He should be paying maintenance - and if he protests - tell him he can't have it both ways. He either incurs the EXTRA COSTS of having a resident child, like a ROOM - or he pays maintenance in recognition of those extra housing, heating etc. costs being fully met by the other parent, and enjoys the financial ease of being essentially a single bloke sharing a house.

This is one of the reasons that custody is legally defined by the number of overnights spent at each house.

You are resident parent, OP.

And no way in hell would my three year old be sharing the house of an adult stranger overnight.

NettleTea · 17/10/2014 13:31

it wont be long before she is at school every day and then the extra time that her partner does will be drastically reduced.
If the earnings are low all round then alot of the childcare costs may be covered by CTC, so might be worth looking into that as an option.
Also who is feeding her? Who is buying clothes? does she come home in time for dinner?
You could end up in a while that you are having her all those nights, having to get up early, rush her to school, deal with taking days off if she is sick as she is with you in the morning, having to do packed lunches, make sure she has money for school trips, right books, etc, and he gets away with saying he has 50:50 for the sake of a couple of hours each evening. You will also need to make sure he is on the ball with getting all homework done - often this ends up being a bit of a sticky point as some men dont want to do difficult stuff, just have fun dad time

OutragedFromLeeds · 17/10/2014 13:44

Castle you'd be able to make more helpful and relevant comments if you read the thread, or at least the OP's posts.

  1. She has said several times he has her 50% of the time. Not 50% of the time she's asleep, true, but 50% of the time. I don't know about your children, but with mine the 'awake' shift is actually harder work than the 'sleeping' shift.
  1. She's also said that he would either get a one-bed or share with his best friend, who the OP (and I assume the DD) know and who is completely trustworthy. This talk of 'strangers' has come from your (and other people who haven't read the thread) imagination. That's why it's helpful to read the thread.