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Original poster

Is it really "shared" custody if he doesn't provide a bedroom for dd?

152 replies

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 16/10/2014 23:28

I am attempting to seperate amicably with my partner, with whom I have a 3 yo.

He has always been a very hands on father. He will be doing pick ups mid week, and 2 over nights, this fits with both our work schedules. He earns about 2/3 what I do.

I need to have her 5 nights/week as I need to do drop offs to preschool. One of the nights he has her will be midweek. He has announced that when he moves out he will be getting a one bed place or sharing a 2 bed place with a friend as this is all he can afford. Dd will have to just have a camp bed or be in with him. Although she often still ends up in our bed at night, I think once she is at proper school next year she will need her own bed and room.

It would never be an option for me to get a one bed place or share with someone, I have no choice I feel but to provide a proper home for dd. we agreed to shared custody so no maintenance was payable either way, but is it acceptable that he is not providing a proper "home" environment for dd or paying maintenance just because he earns less than I do?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/10/2014 00:12

I will find it very difficult to continue to afford our two bedroom place on my own if I'm honest, but I will have to try to ensure she still has a room and her own space.

Well yes, that's part and parcel of being the resident parent Confused

However, should your luck/health take a turn for the worst (and I pray to god it doesn't), you might find yourself living in a B&B or hostel....in one room with your child.

If that was the case, do you think the child should go to sleep in a more suitable home away from you?

Or do you think because you're the parent, it would be in the child's best interest to stay with you, regardless of not having their own room?

Original poster
GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 17/10/2014 00:13

Something is really amiss here. I totally suppose her need to be with her father. That is why we agreed to shared custody! I just don't feel it is shared custody if she doesn't at least have a bedroom at one of the houses!

If it was truly shared custody I would not feel the need to seek maintenance, because we are sharing the childcare and parenting. I reiterate, I want to provide my daughter with a home, I am just rather sad my partner doesn't see it as a priority.

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 17/10/2014 00:15

But you say yourself you can only just afford two bedrooms and he earns 66.% of what you earn, so how could hen afford it? Practically speaking?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 17/10/2014 00:16

Again,you are being ridiculous.

Who said it's not a priority?He has to live too and it's very common. He only has her 2 nights!!!

How many bedrooms you have/pay for is nothing to do with shared care. Grow up and think of your daughter

YonicScrewdriver · 17/10/2014 00:18

I'm sure he would rather not share his room either if he had a choice.

scallopsrgreat · 17/10/2014 00:18

But Worra she isn't supposed to be the resident parent if it's shared custody.

So basically, he is saying he has shared custody to avoid paying any money for his daughter?

I'm not sure about the whole bedroom thing although I would think that what he is proposing would have to be a temporary arrangement at best. But he's certainly pulling a fast one with the money.

Original poster
GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 17/10/2014 00:19

Exactly worra! I feel it is part and parcel of his role as a resident patent to provide a room for dd, as I am more than happy to do, regardless as whether he feels he can afford it or not. He says hecan not afford maintenance, yet also cannot afford to house her properly. I am merely pointing out that for me, as her mother, that is not even an option, to opt out of taking any financial responsibility for dd, nor would I want it to be.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 17/10/2014 00:20

Do you think he can afford this stuff Guilty and is just pulling another fast one?

IneedAwittierNickname · 17/10/2014 00:22

I never had my own bedroom at my dad's house. He had a pull out bed in his room which was so small the beds wwere almost touching. That said I stayed overnight less than once per month so probably less of an issue.

My own children have neither bed room nor beds at their dad's. They have airbeds on their step brothers bedroom floor.
Agree that if he only has her 2 nights then it's not 50/50

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 17/10/2014 00:25

The child maintenance service will decide on the maintenance if he says no.

What makes you think he is a resident parent? 2 nights compared to your 5?

Your point is,at best,odd.

I think you need to talk to someone as well as your ex (why still refer to him as your partner btw?). You don't sound like you know what either of you are doing and are risking a very bad relationship and problems with your daughters father if you keep on with this 'it's not fair,I have two bedrooms' nonsense

YonicScrewdriver · 17/10/2014 00:25

If he paid you the CSA amount appropriate for his salary and the fact he had two overnights instead of. 3.5 per week , have you calculated what you'd get and if that would make things much better ?

Original poster
GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 17/10/2014 00:28

Essentially, each of us is having dd while the other one works. We both work full time. The arrangement works well for both of us. It just happens it will be easier, and better for dd, if I have her over night 5 nights as I start work later and can get her to pre-school. As I pointed out , at least one if the nights he has her is a school night.

I just want to point out I do NOT resent having to house my own child, I was asking if this is truly shared custody.

OP posts:
1FluffyJumper · 17/10/2014 00:30

If he's only having her for 2 overnights he has to pay maintenance.

Original poster
GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 17/10/2014 00:31

Thank you fluffy, that was pretty much what I was asking.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 17/10/2014 00:33

No,you asked if it was shared custody based on a bloody bedroom.

Jeez! Nothing like a waste of time,is there

Original poster
GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 17/10/2014 00:34

Trip trap you are not really listening.

That was my question - does this arrangement mean he is a resident parent or not? Also as I have said repeatedly I think it is entirely fair that as a parent I pay for a two bedroom property. But as an "equal" parent I was questioning why he believes that it is optional.

OP posts:
Original poster
GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 17/10/2014 00:36

Btw your username is entirely appropriate.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 17/10/2014 00:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YonicScrewdriver · 17/10/2014 00:38

Guilty, I didn't understand that's what you were asking either.

This isn't 50:50 custody because you have her 5 nights and him 2. Nothing to do with who has which bedrooms, if you had one room and him two, you'd still be the RP on
That split.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 17/10/2014 00:38

Appropriate? Yes,it means I like butting trolls over bridges

HerRoyalNotness · 17/10/2014 00:40

If he is having her overnight 50% of the time it is shared custody, regardless of whether she has her own bedroom or not.

Original poster
GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 17/10/2014 00:44

He is not having her overnight 50% of the time.

I am lucky he is willing to have her a lot more than most non-resident patents do. He is having her a lot. But he is still her parent.

OP posts:
Isabeller · 17/10/2014 00:50

Focus on the 'amicably' part as far as you possibly can. It will be worth it for everyone in the long run.

Original poster
GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 17/10/2014 00:50

And he wants to call it shared custody

OP posts:
HerRoyalNotness · 17/10/2014 00:51

Then it isn't shared care based on the overnights. Unless with all the other time he is having her you are happy to call it shared care.