Is it really "shared" custody if he doesn't provide a bedroom for dd?

[GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe]

I am attempting to seperate amicably with my partner, with whom I have a 3 yo.

He has always been a very hands on father. He will be doing pick ups mid week, and 2 over nights, this fits with both our work schedules. He earns about 2/3 what I do.

I need to have her 5 nights/week as I need to do drop offs to preschool. One of the nights he has her will be midweek. He has announced that when he moves out he will be getting a one bed place or sharing a 2 bed place with a friend as this is all he can afford. Dd will have to just have a camp bed or be in with him. Although she often still ends up in our bed at night, I think once she is at proper school next year she will need her own bed and room.

It would never be an option for me to get a one bed place or share with someone, I have no choice I feel but to provide a proper home for dd. we agreed to shared custody so no maintenance was payable either way, but is it acceptable that he is not providing a proper "home" environment for dd or paying maintenance just because he earns less than I do?

I didn't think 'custody' was the term used these days. Or have I got confused?

If she lives with you most of the time, and you claim the cb then you are the resident parent.

Of course he is still her parent. No one said he wasn't between this and the frankly batshit posts on a Facebook group I'm on I'm wondering if I've stepped into another world

I don't understand what you want him to do. If he can't afford it, he can't afford it. It's that simple.

I think if you work out how much you will get in maintenance going down the formal route it will probably be less than what he will pay if you split childcare/food/clothes etc. down the middle. Who will be feeding her the majority of the time? Paying for haircuts? Clothes? Days out?

If you want an amicable split you need to stop making a mountain out of a mole hill. Just because he doesn't have two rooms doesn't mean she won't have her own space. He can curtain off an area of his room or the living room or something to give her a place for a bed, toys etc. Also, I've never met a three year old who wants their own space!

It's shared care but not equal care, and if you can ony afford a bedroom for her in one house then yes, he should contribute. Talk to him, point out the massive extra expense and that he does need to help defray the cost a bit.

Does he care for her (or will he be caring for her) in the place you pay for, incidentally? A shared house isn't usually ideal for that, is it

Don't blame him at all for not being able to afford a two bed. But he should help you do it because frankly very few can afford that on one salary alone, these days. Housing is extortionate.

Agree with Outraged that you should probably sit down, work out what she costs (as in, gap between 1 bed and 2 bed, factor in food, expenses of all kinds) and then discuss how to split that fairly and affordably for the both of you. She needs you to be as amicable as possible, but you both need to pay for her keep. You're both her parents.

It's not shared custody , bedrooms are irrelevant. He needs to pay maintenance due to number of nights.

I have been isabeller, trust me. Because of my guilt about the fact it was my decision to end the relationship and he happens to earn a bit less than me, he will be getting the car, tv laptop etc etc. I really don't care. But when it comes to dd, it makes me sad, as contrary to popular belief on this thread I live her dearly, and want the best for her.

We have barely exchanged a cross word, and certainly not in front of dd. we have pretty much discussed and agreed with everything, I was just mildly uneasy about this issue, hence posting on here. Seems I was entirely wrong. Oops.

I wouldn't have a problem with it at 3 , ds2 still sleeps in whia dads bed at 11, now that is fucking ridiculous.

Thank you six - that was my query. Although he will be having her near to 50/50 ie. 2 full day times and nights and several afternoons/pick ups, as it is necessary for me to continue renting a 2 bed place to give her a bedroom 5 nights/ week is it shared custody. Thank you.

I think if my DC at 3 was going to be staying with his dad in a shared house, I'd require him to be in my ex's room. The last thing I'd want would be a room for "privacy" when they were sharing with someone they don't know well.

And as others have said, plenty of families provide a "proper" home which doesn't involve very small children having their own separate bedroom.

Perfect - he will be caring for her in " his" place, wherever that may be. We are still currently living together and getting on perfectly fine. We have just decided we are not meant to be romantically - a decision we have not come to lightly, as we both love dd dearly. Some of the comments earlier have been quite hurtful actually as it took a lot of soul-searching and incredible guilt to come to this decision to seperate.

Do lots of parents choose to live in a 1 bedroom place with children then? Most people I know upgrade to a 2 bed when they have a child.

Ex dp will be living with his best friend who I know very well and is entirely trustworthy. Or living alone.

I don't think anyone chooses to live in a one-bed when they have children.

But not being able to afford anything other than a one bed isn't a choice is it?

Is he likely to have a fit if you say he has to pay more as he's only doing two overnights? Would he withdraw care at other times, pushing your child care costs up?

TripTrap's been icky in his/her/its posts, yes. I'm sorry you were subjected to that. Nobody should be.

The reality is that your income level can't sustain two 2 bed homes. The money just is not there, so it's unfair to blame him - he has to cut his cloth. But you need to tread carefully IMO if he's effectively providing you with 5 day a week childcare so you can work, because if he pays CSA maintenance on a low income but withdraws care, you've not gained a whole lot to put it mildly.

Having said all that, talk to him about the costs, because he needs to make a contribution to her primary home. Whichever is primary carer (legally you are, but it seems in hours spent caring you're equal, right?), there's no doubt this is her primary home.

Do lots of parents choose to live in a 1 bedroom place with children then? Most people I know upgrade to a 2 bed when they have a child.

Not everyone can afford it. They have no choice, as has been said. If the money's not there, it isn't - how were you imagining he'd swing it?

Am I right in thinking that you would like him to help you pay the rent so that you can let your daughter have a bedroom and not have to downsize to a one bedroom place? It's not what you say in your OP, but seems to be a problem?

I personally don't think it is that important for a small child to have their own bedroom, unfortunately when an older child gets used to having their own bedroom, then it is a problem, IMHO.

I think you're a bit too hung up on the idea that the word "shared" can only be used if everything is 50:50. This is not the case.

I think you are a bit too hung-up on the idea that maintenance and its payability or non-payability are linked to whether the word "shared" applies. This is not the case.

The living arrangements seem perfectly acceptable to me. Of course it would be nice for her to have her own room at his place, but if it can't be managed then that doesn't mean he's not looking after her properly or taking sharing seriously. There are loads of parents who have to share a room with their child as they can only afford one bedroom - by your logic none of them would be being proper parents which is clearly ridiculous.

As for the money: fairest way to do this is this:
His monthly income = X
Your monthly income =Y (and = 1.5*X according to your OP)

Monthly budget to run a very basic single-adult 1-bed household in your area = A
Monthly budget to run a very basic 1-adult 1-child household in your area = B
(by very basic I mean don't include anything for luxuries and fun stuff in these numbers, which should be considered separately)

Now, theoretically you could both have a 1-bed place. Then his leftover income would be X-A and your leftover income would be 1.5X-A.

From this leftover income (2.5X-2A) you want to fund upgrading one of the homes to a 2-bed so that DD can have her own room 5 nights a week. This is a good thing but not absolutely essential for life. And assuming that B-A is less than (2.5X-2A) it can be managed.

The cost should be split between you so that he pays a fraction of (B-A) calculated by (X-A)/(2.5X-2A) and you pay a fraction calculated by (1.5X-A)/(2.5X-2A)

Now without knowing your exact earnings and area of residence and costs I can't be sure, but I'm reasonably willing to bet that the value of A and the value of X are so close together that these fractions would show that more than 95% of the cost of B-A (the upgrade to a 2-bed) should come out of your income anyway. In which case it's perfectly reasonable for you to just bear this cost, stop quibbling and act like a grownup. If actually X is massively bigger than A and the fraction shows more like a 65:35 split then it would not be unreasonable to pursue him for some maintenance.

I understand where you are coming from OP.

However from a practical point of view he can only contribute or be made to contribute the money he actually has.

I suppose I had nice visions if is truly sharing the parenting as we ways have. I don't want him to "contribute" as such I want u to be equally responsible for dd, including living arrangements.

I am sorry but while is appreciate it can be acceptable not to have a bedroom fora school age child in exceptional circumstances I would never deliberately downsize to a one bed since I've had a child, we are a family now and I factor dd into my hind choices as any parent would! I think if you are all honest you oils as well.

We have had the type of relationship where just because I am the woman doesn't necesauky mean that certain duties are automatically my respinsibility.

Sorry phone screen was wet and did weird things

(Hence typos)

He earns 2/3 of what you earn. You could pay him a sixth of your income in maintenance.

I would never deliberately downsize to a one bed since I've had a child,

Is he deliberately doing your child out of a bedroom? Do you think he could choose to rent a bigger property if he wanted to?

As I already said, we agreed to share custody so no maintenance needed to be paid.

He has not even considered getting perhaps a 3 bed shared place with a box room for dd. I just find the difference in attitude interesting. I would just have to afford it, I wouldn't see it as even an option to look at getting a one bed place as I had a child. Even though we are supposed to have a more "modern" arrangement (mainly driven by him) it seems the true responsibility always still falls to the morher.

Mother