I've committed myself to something I can't cope with. What do I do?

[MrsMonkey83]

Boyf has moved to Qatar and I have accepted a job out there with him; I’m supposed to be moving next Friday.

The whole time I’ve been waiting to join him (he moved there in August), I have been more stressed than I have ever been – blood pressure, vomiting, heart palpitations, crying every single day and night. I don’t want to leave my family and friends, and he’s recently announced that he won’t ever move to the UK to allow me to be as near to them as I’d like. But also, I no longer have a job and a flat here because I’d handed in all my notice to go to Qatar. I could move in with my family temporarily and find another job, but then I know I will be miserable without him and will feel like I’ve failed. If I backed out now, it would be the end for him and me and we have been together on and off for a couple of years – I do genuinely love him. Plus I don’t even know how I could back out – what would I tell my employer: “I’m sorry but it turns out I’m a complete flake and I shouldn’t have accepted the job”?

I don’t think we have a future together if he won’t move to be where I want to be, and to be honest the way he’s reacted to my stress hasn’t been that supportive. I get that he’s pissed off me and rightly so because I’ve been tearful, scared and indecisive. He’s called me immature, dramatic, completely disproportionate etc. He doesn’t have a very close relationship with his family and he’s lived abroad in various places now for 10 years – it’s not a big deal for him. I lived abroad for a couple of years but moved home because I felt I was done with that. I’m now thinking about settling down, having babies etc and I can’t imagine him ever being that good of a partner through that if he loses patience with me after 8 weeks of stress.

When I see myself out there with him, away from my family, I can’t see myself being happy but I just don’t know if I can back out now. I feel like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown. He’s expecting me to turn up and be fine – he’s made it clear he won’t humour any more of my negativity and pessimism. And I know this will leave me completely alone, being yelled at, if it turns out that I’m unhappy there too.

I don’t know what to do and I am sick of sitting at my desk blubbing and picturing myself away from my family when I should be excited about starting something new with someone I love.

You are all welcome to tell me I’m an awful person for leaving this so late, I am aware of it. But I could also really use some advice and help.

IMO you should not go.

If the stress of it is making you ill then I fear it will be too much and you will not be happy, especially since your partner is not more supportive and understanding.

Imagine if something happened to prevent you from going, what would you feel? Relief? Regret?

Just cancel!!!! It's never too late to back out!

DO.NOT.GO!

If you do, it will be a huge mistake. Your dickhead of a boyfriend has made it clear that he will dictate the course of this relationship and what you think and feel is irrelevant.

You made a mistake. We all do it. But make a sensible decision now and call it all off. Don't make a further mistake by following through with something you know will be a disaster.

And in future if someone yells at you for being upset, show them the door and don't get back together with them!

The fact you've been together "on and off" is a warning sign. Don't give up your entire life for an "on and off" relationship.

For what it's worth, I was the same as this (stressed, tearful, upset) before I got married. I thought it was stress. It was actually my intuition desperately trying to tell me I was about to make THE biggest mistake of my life!

I went everywhere looking for "permission" to back out, when I never needed it. I (and you) have the right to change my/your mind at ANY point.

Your job and your flat (landlord) would be happy you stayed. I don't see the harm in just admitting you don't want to leave, and staying.

I was going to suggest going out there for a few months, maybe a year, and then coming home again - put a time limit on it for yourself. But having read what you said about his behaviour towards you, I would now say stay here, well away from such an arse. You wouldn't want to be stuck with him abroad. See it as a lucky escape! Maybe just tell your employer that you won't be able to take up the job due to family circumstances or something like that.

Trust your instincts. They are trying to tell you something. Go with your heart on this one. Good Luck.

Don't go.

Go and talk to your boss and say due to relationship breakdown move is off is there anything still available for me etc. it doesn't make you look like a flake, life happens, any good boss would understand that.

Don't go. Really. He's not nice. He's controlling and he wants you under the thumb, separated from your family.

Tell him you're not going, and goodbye. Stay with your family while you recuperate. Find another job and start afresh.

Good lord.

I wouldn't follow a man to the Middle East for all the money in the world !

Especially one that sounds like him.

Don't compound the mistakes you have already made. Those sunk costs are gone and it's never too late to save yourself from a life of misery.

Gosh you poor love, sounds like you've worked yourself up into a right state.

You have to take into consideration that you are doing a lot of the "big" things in life all at once

• moving
• leaving the country
• starting a new job
• leaving friends and family
• moving in with your partner

It's big, life changing stuff and it's not just one event.

I am stressed and struggling and I am only trying to facilitate a move up the road!!! (well I am 6 months pregggers as well but you get my point!)

So please don't be too hard on yourself.

I think a few things here do need to be considered though. Firstly your partners reaction and lack of empathy to these huge sacrifices you are making to be with him is quite frankly a bit worrying. The "put up and shut up" attitude is horrible? So he is basically saying you aren't allowed to ever complain if you do move over? Yikes!

His refusal to ever live in the UK is surely something you should have discussed before you made this commitment to him though? It's not something you can change to be honest. Did you think that moving to Qatar was just a temporary thing? I mean how were you expecting this all to pan out? A few years in Qatar then back to the UK? Sounds like crossed wires / lack of communication on both your parts, unless he has backtracked on something he promised.

I will however say that this is a lot to do if you are unsure. It's much easier not to get on the plane to begin with than it will be to get on the plane and come back if it all falls apart.

It seems as though you are having quite serious doubts, and these doubts are manifesting medically - do you normally suffer like this in period of stress?

I know you don't have much time so I would maybe get a few mates together tonight with a bottle of wine and pour your heart out! People who know you will be much better placed to advise.

Any chance of pushing this all back by a few weeks to give yourself a bit of breathing space?

Based on the info you have given and how strongly you seem to feel about not wanting to go at this moment in time - I'd be inclined to say don't go hun. If it doesn't feel right and your partner is already being and arsehole then it could be a mistake to go!

X

For goodness sake, don't go! Every fibre of your being, apart from your brain it would seem, knows this relationship isn't a keeper and that going to Qatar will be a disaster. Yes, it will mean breaking up with your bf, but he sounds like an arse, to be quite frank, and you don't want the same things in life! This is fundamental in a long-term relationship. It doesn't matter so much where you've come from, but its essential that you agree on where you're going to. You fundamentally disagree on this, so its going to end in tears - the only question is when? Now, before you make this huge move, or later, when it will be even harder?

My advice? Don't go! Call your old boss up and beg for your old job back, if that's an option, or start looking for a new job in the UK. Move in with family for a bit if you need a place to live. And who cares what your new boss in Qatar will think? People back out of jobs and contracts all the time. Just be honest that this would be a huge mistake and apologise profusely. This is not a man or a situation that is going to make you happy. And you know this already, or you'd never have written the above post.

Take Qatar out of it for a second. His attitude towards you stinks and if you and he were living in the UK and he was treating you like this we would all be telling you to end it.

This is a really big deal for you and he doesn't care. If you move out there and go on to have a baby, will he support you through pregnancy when you are hormonal and stressed and tired? The answer is no.

He is showing you that he is the priority in his life and he expects to be the same in yours. He would never move to the UK for you, so why would you give up your life here for him? Relationships sometimes require sacrifices, but it has to work both ways, and while you are making the biggest sacrifice for him he cannot even support you.

Leave him. Look for another job. You can come through this and in a few months you will be glad you stayed. Yes you may miss him in the short term, but a few weeks of pain is better than a lifetime being someones doormat.

he’s made it clear he won’t humour any more of my negativity and pessimism. And I know this will leave me completely alone, being yelled at, if it turns out that I’m unhappy there too

Why do you want to move to Qatar and get yelled at? Don't go. Cancel now. Get your old job back if you can, move in with family if you have to.

Whatever happens, once you get over the shock of having made the decision to put yourself first, you will be much happier than if you go.

The new company will be disappointed, but they can easily look for someone else who.

Don't go. It's your life and your decision, you need to do what you can cope with. Especially with someone that's so inpatient and unsupportive towards you. Listen to your instinct, your body's reaction, your family / friends / old boss will understand. Relationships breakdown, especially around such stressful things as moving etc, so it's a perfectly valid reason for your situation changing, not that you need any other reason that because you don't want to go! Be strong, do it for you, you will be fine single when you're living where you want to be x

Don't go. This sounds more than just nerves about moving. To make a big life decision like this you either have to be really sure that you are going to give it a go - or at a stage in your life where you are thinking 'f*ck it - what's the worst that can happen?'. If you thought - you could just come home after giving it a go. But I think this sounds like you would be hugely relieved not to go.

Carve out your own path separately from your on/off boyfriend and see what happens. If you really love each other then you may well come to some compromise..

I wouldn't move in to next door for a man who treated me like this.

Whether you decide now or later to live in the UK, it's the inevitable outcome isn't it? You're not suddenly going to overcome your anxiety and he's not suddenly going to become supportive and loving.

Postpone. Tell loved ones and him why you are postponing. Tell your job you're staying in the UK now and if there's the option of keeping your job you'd happily do so.

Don't go. You can always get another job (if you can't get your old one back) and who knows who you might meet who will be more supportive than your boyfriend has been recently.

Don't go, you've said you have no future if he won't live where you want to, you don't want to live where he wants to either, it's a no-win situation. You can sort things out here in the UK, it will be hard but in the long run I think you will be glad you stayed here. Really sorry you are in this predicament.

OP, there are more red flags from your post than a Soviet Party Congress meeting.

Do not go to Qatar.

All these physical symptoms are just your body trying to deal with all the repressed fear, guilt and stress you're trying to ignore.

I think it's blindingly obvious you shouldn't go.

It's not what you want now and it won't lead to what you want in the future.

And for what it's worth... Your boyfriend is being cold, hurtful and very unsupportive at the exact moment you need loving support. That says EVERYTHING about what you mean to him. You don't want to live your life knowing you cannot count on emotional support from the one person you should trust for everything.

You don't want to go and he's being an unsupportive arse. I'd say the solution is right there. Better to end the relationship now than when you're in Qatar.

A member of my team is moving abroad shortly. If she came to me tomorrow and said that she'd change her mind I'd be delighted! No more recruitment hell! Yay! No more training someone new up! Yay!

Go And talk to your boss. If your job is still open then would that be enough to change your mind?

Don't go. Just, don't go. Honestly, we are all giving you permission not to go

He is hugely unsupportive of the fact you are - quite understandably - having doubts about a MASSIVE life change. He has basically told you to stfu about it, hasn't he? Your instincts are telling yelling at you that this is a bad idea. Listen to them.

Look, fwiw, I was once in a 'stay or go' situation a bit like yours (except that he was moving countries to be with me). I clearly remember lying in bed one night thinking 'I don't want to do this, I just need to stop all this right now, tell him not to come, this will not make me happy in the long run.' I ignored those instincts, went ahead with the plans anyway because I thought I should. More than a decade on I'm still living with the fallout of not listening to myself.

It's never too late to call a halt. You email your new employers and tell them you're not coming. You don't get on the plane. You breathe a sigh of relief that you've not shackled yourself, in a foreign country, to this frankly rather unpleasant sounding young man, and you get on with your life.

He's "announced" that you have to go along with things that he has decided.

He insults your perfectly normal concerns and worries about a huge life-changing move.

He says he won't "humour" you, as if you were a tantrumming child and not an adult who deserves respect.

You say you love him. But nothing in his behaviour suggests that he loves you. He is being unpleasant and controlling. And that's before you are alone with him in another country with no family or friends to support you.

Are you embarassed to admit to people that it isn't working? That you've had doubts all along but tried to put a brave face on it?

Don't be. People make bad decisions all the time. It happens.

But the sensible option is never to stick to a wrong decision once you know it's wrong for you.

And you know this is wrong for you, don't you?

Speak to your boss, and see if there are any positions available.
Speak to your landlord and see if the flat is still available.
Speak to your family and let them know that you have changed your mind.
And speak to him and tell him this is not what you want, and not what you're going to do.

Don't go! He sounds like prize knob if he can't support you in such a big move. I have moved to the other side of the world by myself and have family all over the world, so I know how stressful it is to be uprooted from what is familiar. The difference is that I chose to move and I knew that I would have support no matter what.

DH has never moved further away than 2 streets away from MIL(who is lovely and never drops in unannounced). We had a serious discussion a few years ago about moving from NI to Jersey because I had a job offer and I did tell him to be 100% certain before we made any decisions because he would have to create his own support structure fro scratch. I have done it before and I know that I could do it again if I need to but I recognised that it would be very different for him. I also found that I was actually reluctant to leave the friends who have become my family over the past 18 years. We decided not to go in the end because of concerns about changing DCs schools and the long term prospects for the job, but it was a stressful 2 months. i would have fully expected DH to walk if I had acted the way your boyfriend is because it's not an easy decision to make.