I've committed myself to something I can't cope with. What do I do?

[MrsMonkey83]

Boyf has moved to Qatar and I have accepted a job out there with him; I’m supposed to be moving next Friday.

The whole time I’ve been waiting to join him (he moved there in August), I have been more stressed than I have ever been – blood pressure, vomiting, heart palpitations, crying every single day and night. I don’t want to leave my family and friends, and he’s recently announced that he won’t ever move to the UK to allow me to be as near to them as I’d like. But also, I no longer have a job and a flat here because I’d handed in all my notice to go to Qatar. I could move in with my family temporarily and find another job, but then I know I will be miserable without him and will feel like I’ve failed. If I backed out now, it would be the end for him and me and we have been together on and off for a couple of years – I do genuinely love him. Plus I don’t even know how I could back out – what would I tell my employer: “I’m sorry but it turns out I’m a complete flake and I shouldn’t have accepted the job”?

I don’t think we have a future together if he won’t move to be where I want to be, and to be honest the way he’s reacted to my stress hasn’t been that supportive. I get that he’s pissed off me and rightly so because I’ve been tearful, scared and indecisive. He’s called me immature, dramatic, completely disproportionate etc. He doesn’t have a very close relationship with his family and he’s lived abroad in various places now for 10 years – it’s not a big deal for him. I lived abroad for a couple of years but moved home because I felt I was done with that. I’m now thinking about settling down, having babies etc and I can’t imagine him ever being that good of a partner through that if he loses patience with me after 8 weeks of stress.

When I see myself out there with him, away from my family, I can’t see myself being happy but I just don’t know if I can back out now. I feel like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown. He’s expecting me to turn up and be fine – he’s made it clear he won’t humour any more of my negativity and pessimism. And I know this will leave me completely alone, being yelled at, if it turns out that I’m unhappy there too.

I don’t know what to do and I am sick of sitting at my desk blubbing and picturing myself away from my family when I should be excited about starting something new with someone I love.

You are all welcome to tell me I’m an awful person for leaving this so late, I am aware of it. But I could also really use some advice and help.

As it is often said here, trust your gut instincts.

OP, please, please don't worry about people thinking badly of you if you back out of this.

It will take tremendous courage to cancel these plans, I'm sure everyone will understand and respect you for your decision if you choose to not to go.

Based on your OP I think it would be a bad idea to go.

Good luck.

OP, any thoughts on the pretty unanimous reaction to your thread ?

Your body is trying to tell you something, and you need to listen to it. It's trying to tell you that you think this is a huge fucking mistake. But it's a mistake that you HAVEN'T made yet. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't tell your dickhead boyfriend "Having had some time to reflect, I think I'd rather stay here actually. But have fun in the ME".

No reason why you shouldn't ask your landlord if he has found a new tenant, and if not, if you could withdraw your notice. If he has found someone, then you have the option of staying with family until you find something else. Most work places would be relieved if someone said they would prefer to stay - saves them a lot of money on recruitment costs. People understand that moving to another country is a huge decision. And to be perfectly frank, I don't think anyone would be even remotely surprised if a woman said she had changed her mind about moving to the Middle East.

I think you are stressed because you haven't accepted what your body is trying to tell you. You have plenty of options.

You say you love this guy, but...well he sounds like a dick to be honest. You've been "on and off" for two years - that's not a relationship to give up your world for. He has been very unsupportive in your recent times of stress - so he isn't going to be much bloody help when you get there and are horrifically homesick. You want to be near your family. He doesn't care about family.

Lady, stay where you are and work on meeting someone who shares the same life views as you do.

PS, For what it's worth, I moved countries to be with my partner, but still very much within the EU, with a clear agreement of when we go back to the UK. I never had any doubts about it, and have never regretted it (although it is quite lonely here at times).

That said I wouldn't move to the ME for anyone.

Oh aye, I wouldn't move to Qatar for a big clock, goes without saying .

I won't go on holiday to the ME for anyone, so moving out there to follow a man (an arsehole to boot) is very, very ill advised

You know the intution people talk about? That instinct, "gut feeling".

This is it. Listen to it x

The relationship already sounds iffy - on/off. He is not being at all supportive about your fears.

You want to settle and have babies.....

If you have DC with him in Qatar and the shit hits the fan you could be STUCK THERE until they grow up.

Please please please do not go.

As yougotafriend said - have you checked that you can live together in Qatar?

It's a fun place for a few years, but that's it. You'll never be able to live there forever anyway as no job = no sponsor = no residence permit. What's his plan for where you go to retire etc?

A quick and dirty Google seems to suggests that it is entirely illegal for you to cohabit with him anyway - you'd have to be married to be allowed to live together.

don't marry him

OP, where you at ?

DON'T GO. DO NOT go.

In January 2002, (when I was 30) I threw in my job to follow a dream I had in Central America working with a conservation charity.

Long story short, as the time to resign from my (very good secure government) job approached, I started to get cold feet and wished I could back off the treadmill, stay in the UK, keep my house and not give up my job. But I felt I had got myself in too deep, I had told everyone I was doing it, didn't want to let the charity down and so I did it. I quit my job sold my house and went overseas to "pursue my dream".

I ended up leaving the Central American country 6 months after I went, coming back to the UK and bouncing around for 4 years while I sorted my life out.

As it happens, things for me have panned out so that my life has settled and I am in a really secure and happy place and wouldn't change things. BUT I had probably 5-6 years of stress and regretting what I had done.

I appreciate that is my story. But, if you have cold feet and are not 150% certain about what you are doing, then DON'T go. There is nothing wrong with changing your mind. Just my $0.02.

I would start by speaking to your employer and see if keeping your job is an option. If you are that upset about it, then you shouldn't go - particularly if your partner is not supportive. You will need support in a new environment.

I would also bear in mind that if you are finding your partner is speaking to you like that now, that you may want to question the future of the relationship when you add in the stress of a foreign location.

I was on holiday in Africa and I met a woman who had been in your situation. She had given up a great job in the UK, sold her flat etc to move there to be with her bf. He had gone out ahead of her. When she'd been there for a few weeks, her bf dumped her. She told me (a complete stranger) this whole story in a lot of detail and she was very traumatised about it. She was in the middle of trying to find somewhere else to live and make plans to exit her job to return to the UK.

OP, you get one life. Why waste some of yours on this? If you were apprehensive but really happy with your partner and he was supportive of the fact it was a big transition that you'd need to adjust to, I think most of us would be saying: give a try, what have you got to lose? But he's sending you a very clear message. If you agree to go and live in this place, it will be his rules from now on. No moping, no prospect of moving back to the UK in the future if you want to stay with him. His way, or else.

That is no basis to start a living-together type relationship. You are a free person with your own will and if this isn't what you want, you simply say: this isn't right for me. I will not be joining you in Qatar.

It really is that simple. You have no dependants, you have no commitments. You simply make a choice.

And I agree with the others, I think you will feel an enormous sense of relief when you say it out loud for the first time: "I've thought this over and changed my mind". You are entirely free to do that.

I just wanted to say thank you all for your sympathy and your kind words, I'm very touched by how supportive you've all been.

I'm also genuinely overwhelmed at the amount of 'Hell nos' that have come back to me and now I have the distinct impression that I must be the last person to realise that this is massively a bad idea x

So, where you at ?

You have a fairly swift decision to make, love

First things first, speak to your boss tomorrow, if you can keep your job, you can make the rest fit back round far more easily. Get that bit nailed before the weekend.

then see if your landlord will let you stay, if not, get looking round other flats in the area.

Then work out what you are going to say to the boyfriend...

OK, going into this purely on practicalities.

Are you planning on marrying him? Sex outside marriage and any form of cohabitation outside marriage is illegal and very severely punished.

Is he your sponsor? If he is then he has to arrange your exit visa without which you cant leave the country so if you decide you want to come home he can refuse to get your visa and you will be forced to stay there. Seriously, he could quite legally keep you there for the rest of your life if he so chooses.

There was an MNer who was in this very situation. Her husband was cheating but refused to allow her to leave the country unless it was to go to his equally controlling and unpleasant inlaws. In the end she managed it by persuading him they could try again in the UK but dumping him once she was back. It took a lot work and heartache.

With a nasty uncaring man who has made it clear it is his way or no way, there is nothing on Gods green earth that would induce me to go with him.

I agree with PP. Explain to your boss and your landlord. If you were a good tenant and employee then they will jump at the chance to have you stay on.

Mary has the order of play right. AF as ever is spot on. And the rest of us saying please don't go are right too. You are an honourable woman and made a commitment, you are an honourable woman who then faced the truth about it.

So actually, you were the first person in this thread to be right; it just took a little while to find the confirmation you needed.

I am praying that when I log on tomorrow and look for your, thread it will be saying how the staying is going to work.

sorry about comma in wrong place *sigh ...

If you have DC with him in Qatar and the shit hits the fan you could be STUCK THERE until they grow up.

This. With bells on... don't go.

So actually, you were the first person in this thread to be right

Absolutely

Don't beat yourself up about it OP. We are always 'the last to know'

You will get through this. Don't worry about what everyone else thinks. In fact I reckon your friends and family will be relieved. What have they said about it all?