I've committed myself to something I can't cope with. What do I do?

[MrsMonkey83]

Boyf has moved to Qatar and I have accepted a job out there with him; I’m supposed to be moving next Friday.

The whole time I’ve been waiting to join him (he moved there in August), I have been more stressed than I have ever been – blood pressure, vomiting, heart palpitations, crying every single day and night. I don’t want to leave my family and friends, and he’s recently announced that he won’t ever move to the UK to allow me to be as near to them as I’d like. But also, I no longer have a job and a flat here because I’d handed in all my notice to go to Qatar. I could move in with my family temporarily and find another job, but then I know I will be miserable without him and will feel like I’ve failed. If I backed out now, it would be the end for him and me and we have been together on and off for a couple of years – I do genuinely love him. Plus I don’t even know how I could back out – what would I tell my employer: “I’m sorry but it turns out I’m a complete flake and I shouldn’t have accepted the job”?

I don’t think we have a future together if he won’t move to be where I want to be, and to be honest the way he’s reacted to my stress hasn’t been that supportive. I get that he’s pissed off me and rightly so because I’ve been tearful, scared and indecisive. He’s called me immature, dramatic, completely disproportionate etc. He doesn’t have a very close relationship with his family and he’s lived abroad in various places now for 10 years – it’s not a big deal for him. I lived abroad for a couple of years but moved home because I felt I was done with that. I’m now thinking about settling down, having babies etc and I can’t imagine him ever being that good of a partner through that if he loses patience with me after 8 weeks of stress.

When I see myself out there with him, away from my family, I can’t see myself being happy but I just don’t know if I can back out now. I feel like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown. He’s expecting me to turn up and be fine – he’s made it clear he won’t humour any more of my negativity and pessimism. And I know this will leave me completely alone, being yelled at, if it turns out that I’m unhappy there too.

I don’t know what to do and I am sick of sitting at my desk blubbing and picturing myself away from my family when I should be excited about starting something new with someone I love.

You are all welcome to tell me I’m an awful person for leaving this so late, I am aware of it. But I could also really use some advice and help.

Omg please don't go. You don't want to, you know that. Don't go!!!!

Don't go - especially not to a middle eastern male dominated country - where will you turn if things do go horribly worng? I shouldn't imagine there is much women's aid in Qatar!!

Also - do you have to pretend to be married? You can't live together unmarried in Dubai, I imagine Qatar is the same, yet another stess and another barrier to easily returning home.

My H wanted to go to New Zealand about 10 yrs ago - I refused, would miss my family but more importantly didn't want to be away from my support network 'cos I knew what an arse he was!!!

I moved the other side of the world when I was 25, as my husband got a job overseas. I was happy to go, but it was hard. Different language, different culture, much less freedom due to security issues, etc. We had been married 4 years at that point, so we knew each other well, and knew our relationship could cope with the change. I also had 2 children while we were there, so that was another added pressure.

As I said, we knew each other well, and were happy, so it worked, even though at times I was very isolated (he travelled a lot). It definitely wouldn't have worked if he had behaved towards me in the way that your OH is doing to you. Please think very carefully, and if it is making you feel this unhappy and unwell then IMO you should just not go.

Don't go. I have previously done something simular a few years back and I become suicidal and incredibly depressed. I wouldn't even suggest a trial because your partner doesn't sound like he would support your decision to come home. You will be alone.

OP, don't subject yourself to this if this is how you feel. We have one life, don't waste it doing something that will make you miserable. Follow your instincts, they're usually right. Good luck.

I would be of the go and try it camp.
You made the decision to go when you were feeling calm and rational and now (possibly) you are emotional and panicking. Go with it for a specified period: 6 months or a Year. It is much easier to like somewhere if it is for a finite period. So, you're heading for 6 months, this might be the only time in your life when you live outside the UK so see it as an adventure. This time next year you may well be happy back home working in your old job knowing that you gave living abroad a shot. Or you might have discovered that you love living abroad with or without your boyfriend.
At this stage I would go for it. If your doubt had come along at an earlier stage then I maybe would have considered backing out. If you leave your job in Quatar after 6 months well I'm sure they are used to people not settling there and it would be reasonable to come back.
Good luck with whichever you do.

He sounds awful, please don't go - be thankful the relationship is over (it doesn't sound like the right one for you at all) and move on.

I think you will feel 100% better once you do this.

All the practicalities can be sorted.

Oh god DO NOT GO!!!

Your family will, I'm sure, be delighted to have you stay.

The red flags about him could make a bunting.

You won't be homeless or without support while you look for something else.

You never know with your old job!

Seriously, it sounds like your ailments are psychosomatic.

OOps - so sorry OP (distracted by noisy kids) I didn't realise you've already done the living abroad thing. Ignore everything I've said so. sorry.

If you wanted to go you would feel excited, not stressed.

Talk to your boss if they haven't already replaced you and you're a good performer then they may be happy for you to stay (I know when I managed a team we would probably have kept someone on under these circumstances unless we'd been secretly itching to get rid of them for years). And similarly ask whether your landlord has relet your flat yet if not then they'll probably be happy for you to sign a new lease as it cuts out the expense of finding a new tenant, and if they have then look for a room in a shared house as a short-term measure while you look for a more permanent option.

You may be stressing unduly about the theory of the "move to Qatar" aspect, but if the person you'd be sacrificing everything to live with is telling you now before you're even living together that you're immature and dramatic and is laying down the law about what he will "tolerate" then there is no way on earth you should move in with him.

You have just very nearly made a huge mistake. The thing is thought that you haven't gone yet, so you can still change your mind. Yes there are some logistics to sort out, but just think how much harder it'd be once you were out there, to arrange things so you could come back. Well done for recognising what you really want in time!

Feeling nervous about such a big move is natural however this looks to be much more than general nerves. As you said in the second to last paragraph you should be feeling excited about all this - new adventure, moving to be with your boyfriend but for all the reasons you explained you're far from excited and don't want to go.

Yes you may have given up your flat but there are other flats and you can stay with family for now. There are other jobs too. Do what a PP suggested and speak to your boss just to see if you can stay on. If they haven't yet filled your position they might prefer just to hire you back rather than go through all that and have to train someone up. They can only say no. Same for the flat - has it been let yet?

What worries me most is the attitude of your boyfriend. This is a big move for you and he needs to be supportive. He sounds far from it. By saying he'd never move to the UK so you could be with your family, would you quickly start to resent him for that?

By no means are you stuck in this position of having to go. Read your post back, it's screaming don't go. Yes it'll be tough initially but keep busy with friends and family and you'll get through it. I bet you'll feel an immediate sense of relief once you make that decision and tell him you're staying.

You really haven't burned any bridges that you can't get yourself out of yet.

It's really not the end of the world if you don't go. I wouldn't. Not to the Middle East. Not ever.

This boyfriend sounds like a really good reason to stay here rather than leave everything behind.

There are practical issues to sort out if you don't go but they can be quite easily resolved. Going and realising you've made a mistake might not be quite so simple.

Trust your instincts as they are telling you something VERY LOUD AND CLEAR.

Don't go. Any move abroad is stressful and you need emotional support, he has already told you you won't get it from him. That is not the sort of man you want to have children with. Qatar is not the kind of place you want to be trying to get out of with your children. It's no bloody wonder you're nervous, you know this is a terrible plan.

You are allowed to change your mind.

You are allowed to say to your employer "I'm sorry I shouldn't have accepted the job".

You are allowed to make a mistake and to back out of it.

You are allowed to say "I realise this move will not make me happy".

Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind.

I agree with other posters that you should definitely not make the move now (I also think that your boyfriend's response to this will be very telling).

Moving to the Middle East is a big decision, even one as established in terms of ex-pats as Qatar is.

When it comes to your hopes and dreams (settling down, family) I wonder whether the Middle East is really the place to do this.

Having had a baby last year, I have been utterly reliant on the support of my family and friends. To be away from them is a thought utterly beyond me.

Just consider how you would ideally like your life to pan out, and whether this relationship helps facilitate that.

This man MrsMonkey83 has more red flags about him than a Communist party committee meeting.

This is not a healthy relationship and I think your love for this man is actually an unhealthy co-dependency. Why do you think you would be miserable without him, infact you sound miserable with him. He thinks very lowly of you, none of what he has said to you are words of a loving and decent man.

This feeling of so called failure on your part; that to me smacks of your own low self esteem and self worth issues which he has likely contributed to. Do not get further sucked into the "sunken costs" fallacy common in relationships because that causes you to make poor relationship decisions, the damage here has already been done by him.

DO NOT GO to Qatar, if you do it will be a massive error of judgment that will take you years perhaps to recover from.

OP - to put your mind at rest - about 10 years ago I was in a similar situation, in that I'd resigned my job, told my landlord I was going as I was moving to be with my long distance boyfriend in a different European country.

However, a few weeks before the move, he was over for a long weekend visiting me, an ex-boss of his who was now working in London called him and asked him to go for a pint, by the end of the second pint he'd offered him a job in London, it was an amazing offer and DP wanted to take it.

I went into work on the Monday, had a meeting with my boss and explained the situation, they hadn't replaced me yet, so was happy for me to withdraw my resignation. My landlord was happy for me to stay for another 2 months until we could sort out a new flat. It was a bit embarrassing, but only for a minute, and lots of "I thought you were going!" and "you nearly got out!!!" comments from colleagues, but that was done in less than a fortnight.

If you aren't certain this is the right move for you, and there does seem to be red flags all over this move and more importantly, this relationship, then see how much you can back out of, speak to your boss tomorrow morning, see what they say about staying, you can just say "i was only leaving here to move to Qatar to be with my boyfriend, but for personal reasons I've decided to stay in London and I'd love to stay working here." see what they say - if you've not been replaced or burnt any bridges with a rude resignation, they should let you stay.

Again, with your flat, if your landlord/letting agent hasn't already lined up a new tenant, they might be more than happy to avoid the void and keep you for another 6 months.

Have the conversations, it won't be as scary as you think!

Are you surprised that no one has told you you're an awful person? Were you honestly expecting us to? That speaks volumes really, OP - he's made you feel really shit about all of this, hasn't he?

This is your life, you know. You make the decisions. And whilst I'm usually something of a 'feel the fear and do it anyway' person, I have to admit that has led to some monumentally shite choices in my life (as well as some good, fun, rewarding stuff!) it's ok not to do stuff. It's ok to change your mind. It's not failure, it common sense.

Please listen to what your body and mind are telling you. Nerves would be normal; vomit, palpitations and daily crying, not so much.

Yeah, don't go. If you're anxious now wait til you get there.

oh and you've rightly pointed out, this isn't a good man to settle down with and have DCs with. So if you do settle down with him, you will be walking into a crap life with your eyes open to the fact, don't do that to yourself!

If you aren't planning on this being the man you spend the rest of your life with, really why would you upend your whole life for someone who isn't Mr. Right just Mr. Rightnow? This relationship isn't forever, he no longer fits in your life you want, rip off the plaster.

You can take the bull by the horns and back out. You resign from the new job, stay with your family, and find another job and then another home. You could even ask your old boss if you can withdraw your resignation, and ask your landlord if you can stay on after all – they may surprise you by saying yes because they know you’re good and it may be easier for them to keep you on than finding someone new who is equally good.

And ditch the boyfriend while you’re at it. He isn’t showing enough respect and consideration for your feelings about this huge life change. Instead he is blaming you and putting you down for having feelings which inconvenience him - which means he’s not a keeper.

It may take all the courage you have to get out of it but boy will you feel better afterwards!

Just tell the new job people you've had a family emergency which means you have to decline the post, and set about sorting things at this end. Then thank your lucky stars that you have such powerful instincts and the wherewithal to listen to them.

If he can't understand your fears now, you'll be in hell living away from your dearest ones and relying on him.

Then you'll end up having children there and will be in hell because you won't be able to leave with them.

Bite the bullet now and cancel your move. It's never too late to change your mind. And now is better than later.

Also OP, from your username, are you perhaps 31? If so, and you do want DCs and know this man will be a crap father, you don't have a couple of years to waste with him in a different country that you don't want to go to, when you know you are going to want to move back to the UK when ready to have DCs.

In your 30s, if you want children, you've already run out of time to waste on men who aren't the one you want to do that with. Not saying you have to talk about children on first dates, but if you can't imagine having a family with a man, there's little point giving him your time.