I've committed myself to something I can't cope with. What do I do?

[MrsMonkey83]

Boyf has moved to Qatar and I have accepted a job out there with him; I’m supposed to be moving next Friday.

The whole time I’ve been waiting to join him (he moved there in August), I have been more stressed than I have ever been – blood pressure, vomiting, heart palpitations, crying every single day and night. I don’t want to leave my family and friends, and he’s recently announced that he won’t ever move to the UK to allow me to be as near to them as I’d like. But also, I no longer have a job and a flat here because I’d handed in all my notice to go to Qatar. I could move in with my family temporarily and find another job, but then I know I will be miserable without him and will feel like I’ve failed. If I backed out now, it would be the end for him and me and we have been together on and off for a couple of years – I do genuinely love him. Plus I don’t even know how I could back out – what would I tell my employer: “I’m sorry but it turns out I’m a complete flake and I shouldn’t have accepted the job”?

I don’t think we have a future together if he won’t move to be where I want to be, and to be honest the way he’s reacted to my stress hasn’t been that supportive. I get that he’s pissed off me and rightly so because I’ve been tearful, scared and indecisive. He’s called me immature, dramatic, completely disproportionate etc. He doesn’t have a very close relationship with his family and he’s lived abroad in various places now for 10 years – it’s not a big deal for him. I lived abroad for a couple of years but moved home because I felt I was done with that. I’m now thinking about settling down, having babies etc and I can’t imagine him ever being that good of a partner through that if he loses patience with me after 8 weeks of stress.

When I see myself out there with him, away from my family, I can’t see myself being happy but I just don’t know if I can back out now. I feel like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown. He’s expecting me to turn up and be fine – he’s made it clear he won’t humour any more of my negativity and pessimism. And I know this will leave me completely alone, being yelled at, if it turns out that I’m unhappy there too.

I don’t know what to do and I am sick of sitting at my desk blubbing and picturing myself away from my family when I should be excited about starting something new with someone I love.

You are all welcome to tell me I’m an awful person for leaving this so late, I am aware of it. But I could also really use some advice and help.

Far better to back out of something and feel like you have a bit of egg on your face than to enter into something you feel iffy about from the onset and spend years ruing the day.

It sounds like your instinct is screaming at you not to go and that is reason enough. Anything can be undone.

OP - first step is making the decision, for yourself, that you aren't going to go

That's really the biggest step. Everything else is just logistics. I appreciate it's easy for me to say, but you sound like you are in a good place to change your mind - especially having family you could stay with.

If anyone says anything about your leaving it so late, tell them that at least you didn't leave it any later. Deciding that this is a bad idea before you go is not late, it's just in time!

When I married my husband I was pregnant and signing up to a life abroad in the long term. Now my daughter's 16 and we're divorcing. Moving to the UK would mean separating her and her brother from their dad and taking them away from their home country. I see my UK family once a year, and I'm just a couple of hours away. It's not the end of the world, but now I remember my nerves before the wedding and think that I should have been far more nervous, and far less romantic.

Living abroad with a supportive spouse is tough. I'm doing it now.

This man you describe is not supportive and he is demanding you give up everything and move To a country where you, as a foriegn woman, will have far fewer rights, if any, than you might imagine.

Your body is screaming out for you to listen to what your head has been ignoring for too long already.

Tell him it's over, talk to your Boss, and start living for yourself.

When I started reading I was going to tell you to get a grip and give it a go, life's too short etc. etc. But then I realised that 1. Its in the Middle East 2. Your boyfriend sounds like an arsehole. Don't go, ask your employer for your old job back if you can. I emigrated, it can be tough going even in a good relationship, I really wouldn't consider it in your circumstances.

Just go and give it a go. The anxiety has been building up based on unknown theories. Give it a try, if nothing, just so you know for yourself that this is not for you.

I have nothing against the Middle East personally, but I am another saying don't go. You are lucky enough to have a close family, when the day comes that you have children you will find out how important it is to have your family on hand. If you were to have children in a foreign country, you would not only be far away from that support but could be stuck living there until every last one of them reaches adulthood.

I say this as someone who is happily living in a foreign country with dd and dgd, but your bf has already told you that he will not be moving back to the uk and you have shown how much you value the life you have there.

If the worst comes to the worst and you can't keep your flat and get your old job back that is still nothing compared to the problems you would have if you don't back out now.

Monkey,

You have been given a great deal of advice on the relationship part of this situation and I don't have anything to add that hasn't been said already.

Have you actually been to Qatar, and if so, outside of the glitzy west bay area and seen what day-to-day expat life looks like? I have lived in Dubai for the past 7 years and have traveled extensively throughout the GCC for work, including a lot of time in Doha. To be blunt, it is a shithole and I wouldn't live there! Anywhere nice (west bay etc.) is extremely expensive and outside of that you will feel like you are living in Karachi! People are either there to party and an overseas adventure or are living in compounds and have families etc. Where will you live? It is illegal for unmarried couples to live together and they are much stricter in Qatar than in the UAE.

Also, driving is crazy and if you do not drive, getting around is very difficult. They have no taxi reservation system and you will feel like a prostitute trying to get one off the street as random cars will stop and tell you they are a taxi and try to persuade you to get in their car. Not a fun experience in my opinion...

Also, what will you do for work? Have you checked out the cost of living and ensured that your salary is enough? Rent is paid up-front in one or two cheques and is very expensive. There are a huge amount of set up costs in the first year that people tend to overlook or forget about.

What does your DP do? I will assume it is construction or oil and gas related. Both require very long hours (employers want their pound of flesh!) and/ or quite a bit of travel. My DH travels 50-60% of throughout the ME and Africa. I am happy with this as he is a massive pain in the ass, but I have been here a long time, have my own company to run, my son to look after, and my own support network of people here. I know a lot of women tend to feel very lonely and isolated as they are on the other side of the world and their Dh is always at work or traveling.

If you google expat women in Qatar you will find some very helpful forums and find women who can speak to you about the realities and practicalities of such a big decision.

There is no shame in backing out now. Expat life is tough and if there are issues in your relationship they will be very apparent very quickly. The last thing you want is to feel trapped in a place where you have very few rights as a woman and no support.

HTH and wasn't too epic.

Sorry, one more thing! To those who are telling her to just go and see what happens, it is not quite that simple! In order to stay in Qatar you have to be sponsored by your employer or spouse. Employers in this region try to hold your passport as "it is company policy" bullshit. You often need a letter of non-objection (NOC) to be able to leave the country, so if anything goes wrong , i.e. you want to end your contract early, you could find yourself in a tricky situation.

Hello... just echoing what 4sidekicks posted (I'm in UAE also) with a few extra points.
1 If you decide to give it a try, before you make that decision please check which type of visa you will have. Many employers in Qatar don't offer multiple entry visas which mean you need their permission to leave the country each time you leave. They don't need to hold your passport as your passport won't get you out without the exit visa stamp that they need to approve. It is not as simple as just booking a flight and leaving.
2 Living arrangements - are you planning to live together? You do know that this is illegal in Qatar? Yes people still do it, but be aware that you will be breaking the law. The penalty if you get caught is not a slap on the wrist but time in prison.
3 Doha is a bit of a culture shock for me when I go, and I have lived in the UAE for over 6 years... I still enjoy it but even I would give living there serious thought before committing.

I am a massive advocate of expat living and share your BF's view of never wanting to return to the UK, but if it doesn't feel right and you're not sure, Doha is a big decision to make and you MUST listen to your second thoughts. If it was the UAE I'd say go for it and come back if it doesn't work out.

hiya, you said

'I’m now thinking about settling down, having babies etc and I can’t imagine him ever being that good of a partner through that if he loses patience with me after 8 weeks of stress.'

by writing this all out i think you've answered alot of your doubts op.
Don't go, something like this is meant to make you nervous, not full of dread and that you would be ruining you life.

Hi OP - I hope you get an opportunity to come back and let us know what you have decided. I'm worrying about you!

Please don't go!!

I agree with needing your ohs support.

We lived in Oz for two years. Had I known at the time how unsupportive my h would be, I would not have gone at all. I gave up a really good job that I loved more than h and the money was great. We're now back in the Uk, and h is still around unfortunately and he's being his usual FA self. So, I'm glad I'm back in the Uk,M&S wouldn't want to be stuck in Oz with kids and no money.

He's an on and off bf, not a dh. I wish I took my own advice of 'don't ever give up your job for anyone' as now I'm really regretting it.

Don't go to Qatar, stay around for your family and friends, we all make mistakes, but you can rectify yours by not going, and starting again. At least you don't have dc to drag around.

Don't go.

You weren't the last one to see it. As others have said, you were the first to know, you just needed some support in properly facing it.

You need to thank your lucky stars that you're smart enough and strong enough to have been told loud and clear by your instincts not do this thing. And then you need to resolve to honour your sense of self-protection and take whatever steps are necessary to abide by it.

Well done.

Please don't have babies out there, you'll never get back with them if he won't 'let' you.
If you want children in the future, I don't think he's the man for you as you sound like you want the close family network you clearly grew up with.
I've three friends out there at the moment, two married one unmarried co-habiting. The unmarried one has to be so careful in taxi's, with neighbours etc, I couldn't imagine feeling like that the whole time. It would be like growing weed in your house now. Permanently worried you'll get caught!

Don't worry about being the 'last one to see it' - think of it like one of those picture puzzles, where they show you an extreme close-up of something and you can't work out what you're looking at. As the camera pulls back, you suddenly realise it's a toothbrush or whatever.

You're deep inside the situation - you're getting the close-up view.
We're standing outside shouting "It's a toothbrush!"

That's not because we're any smarter than you at spotting things, just that we can see the shape of it that bit better from being outside of it, while you are still seeing the individual bristles because you're right in amongst them.

^^

It's not a shitehole, but I agree with everything else 4sidekicksplus1 says. My mum was there from 1995 (when it really was a shitehole) to 2008, and hated it for the most part. She did have lovely houses though (two different compounds). And the traffic is truly horrific.

The problem is not the place, it's the person she's going with (and the local laws)

You are right, but going to a place where life can be a bit of a hassle would add even more stress. Heat, traffic, laws, expensive groceries etc.

OP most people on here agree you should listen to your instincts and I think so too. That's very clear! But I also want to reassure you about changing your mind, if that is what you decide to do. Changing your mind is fine. It's something more people should do, rather than go through with things they really don't want to out of embarrassment and not wanting to let people down.

Brazen it out, be open and unashamed about it. "I changed my mind. Yes I know, I was going to go, but I realised I really didn't want to. It took me a while to work out what I really wanted." None of that is anything to be ashamed about at all. There is also no shame in going to your employer/landloord and saying "I changed my mind. I realise job/flat may not now be available, but if it is I would love to stay on, just let me know." The worst that could happen is the answer is no and you have to move on, but you can handle that and good things could come from it.

If a friend was in this situation and confessed to you she couldn't go through with it after all, you'd be supportive. People will be supportive to you.

Your thread title says "I've committed myself to something I can't cope with". That's quite unequivocal, self-knowing and bold. The good news is, you actually haven't committed yourself and you are a free agent.

Sorry, Prima, but it's more than just the bother here. Based on just that, the OP might think she sounds unreasonable.

It's the local laws, the possibility that they could be breaking the law by not being married, her right to stay and, god forbid, if she got pregnant, that she would be unable to leave with the children.
And that he sounds like he will be a prize twat.

OP I once had a comparable (though on a much smaller scale) situation - I had returned from abroad, ended a relationship and needed to make a new start. I was staying a friend's front room and had to find I flat. I said yes to the first shared flat I could find, moved in and just KNEW it was absolutely wrong. I spent one night there, sweating and thinking "how can I go back on this now, I've paid a deposit, I've moved out of my friend's house, this is going to look so bad".

But I did listen to my instincts because they were so strong. I had to tell my new flatmates I wouldn't take the room after all, I had to move all my stuff again, I lost my deposit, I had to go back to my friend and beg for a few more days. It was hard and I felt silly.

A week later I found a nice shared flat that felt right and moved again. Through that flat and the people I met there I met my now DP and had my DC, not to mention making loads of friends. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't trusted my instincts but trusting them certainly wasn't a failure. I remember so clearly that feeling of every fibre in my body telling me "NO. Not this. Change it. Back out."