I've committed myself to something I can't cope with. What do I do?

[MrsMonkey83]

Boyf has moved to Qatar and I have accepted a job out there with him; I’m supposed to be moving next Friday.

The whole time I’ve been waiting to join him (he moved there in August), I have been more stressed than I have ever been – blood pressure, vomiting, heart palpitations, crying every single day and night. I don’t want to leave my family and friends, and he’s recently announced that he won’t ever move to the UK to allow me to be as near to them as I’d like. But also, I no longer have a job and a flat here because I’d handed in all my notice to go to Qatar. I could move in with my family temporarily and find another job, but then I know I will be miserable without him and will feel like I’ve failed. If I backed out now, it would be the end for him and me and we have been together on and off for a couple of years – I do genuinely love him. Plus I don’t even know how I could back out – what would I tell my employer: “I’m sorry but it turns out I’m a complete flake and I shouldn’t have accepted the job”?

I don’t think we have a future together if he won’t move to be where I want to be, and to be honest the way he’s reacted to my stress hasn’t been that supportive. I get that he’s pissed off me and rightly so because I’ve been tearful, scared and indecisive. He’s called me immature, dramatic, completely disproportionate etc. He doesn’t have a very close relationship with his family and he’s lived abroad in various places now for 10 years – it’s not a big deal for him. I lived abroad for a couple of years but moved home because I felt I was done with that. I’m now thinking about settling down, having babies etc and I can’t imagine him ever being that good of a partner through that if he loses patience with me after 8 weeks of stress.

When I see myself out there with him, away from my family, I can’t see myself being happy but I just don’t know if I can back out now. I feel like I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown. He’s expecting me to turn up and be fine – he’s made it clear he won’t humour any more of my negativity and pessimism. And I know this will leave me completely alone, being yelled at, if it turns out that I’m unhappy there too.

I don’t know what to do and I am sick of sitting at my desk blubbing and picturing myself away from my family when I should be excited about starting something new with someone I love.

You are all welcome to tell me I’m an awful person for leaving this so late, I am aware of it. But I could also really use some advice and help.

Okay, its all a bit of a mess at the moment.

But in a years time you'll be sorted out - job, somewhere to live etc.

Obviously, that's if you don't go. If you go you'll be lonely and in an abusive relationship that you'll struggle to get out of.

Seems like a no brainer to me, but its your life.

Apologies for saying Doha is a shithole, but it is a huge culture shock in many ways!

Sorry, Prima, but it's more than just the bother here.

I didn't say it wasn't so I don't understand your comment at all. I had previous said, up-thread:

As yougotafriend said - have you checked that you can live together in Qatar? It's a fun place for a few years, but that's it. You'll never be able to live there forever anyway as no job = no sponsor = no residence permit. What's his plan for where you go to retire etc?

Knowing about life in Doha as I do, it's not as though it's an easy life to live even if everything else was perfect. It's not paradise. The small bits of hassle add up to quite a lot. Living there killed my mum's marriage.

My point was that having a semi-shit relationship and living together against the law plus all the other stresses would just be too much.

How old are you, OP?

Two sides to this.

Side one: your DP is an asshole, and a bully. Leaving him is NOT a failure, it's a chance for a new life with someone who treats you more as you deserve. He sounds extremely patriarchal, and you sound like an intelligent woman with a mind of her own. You should stay at home.

Side two: your DP wants you to go on an adventure with him and doesn't really understand why you feel so negative about that prospect. He sees you treating this as if it's a one-way ticket to Mars, rather than a decision that you can go back on in future should you wish to. Qatar is just a few hours away on a plane. Why not go and experience living somewhere really different for a year or so? If you hate it, you can come back to the UK - with a wealth of new experiences to offer and employer.

In both cases: why on earth are you thinking of settling down with this man right now? You don't need to make that decision yet - you're not ready to do it. On the one hand, you love him, on the other, you have big reservations. For god's sake don't have a kid with him, or take any other permanent step, until you've thought about this some more and feel much more certain!

Qatar is just a few hours away on a plane. Why not go and experience living somewhere really different for a year or so?

Because she'd be living with her boyfriend in a country where it's illegal to cohabit before marriage?

Because OP has already lived and worked abroad for some time and moved back to the UK specifically because she didn't want to do that any more?

If you hate it, you can come back to the UK

Not if her employer has got her the "wrong" sort of visa or insists on having hold of her passport.

Or the boyfriend she shouldn't be living with without being married doesn't give his permission, depending on the local laws and customs.

I'm in Latin America and was speaking to a foreign woman who was recently prevented from leaving because she didn't have permission from her ex husband.

Please trust your instinct. Don't go.

Please trust your instinct. Don't go.

Yep. I'm with everyone else. Don't go. Have you managed to speak to your employer yet?

I think you either decide to cancel going and rebuild your life at home (check if you can get your old job back) or go and see how you feel after a few months.

Since you've already done all the work, you may as well go and see what it's like (even if it's just for the chance to travel a bit etc). If you don't like it or it doesn't work out with your bf then you can always come back.

Regardless, don't let your bf or any future bf talk to you like that. Also if a man isn't willing to compromise to be with you then he's not the man for you.

I was going to say go and try it out, but when I read about your bf's attitude I changed my mind. If he can't be understanding and supportive about such a drastic move, then he can't be understanding and supportive. You have doubts about him already, and the only man to make such a sacrifice for is a man you are absolutely certain you must be with. If he thinks you should be able to make such a big move without any fuss, how come it is unthinkable for him to ever consider settling the Uk for you?

It sounds like it would be complicated to stay a while and leave, more complicated than deciding now. You could always change your mind but I think if you stay here and let him go, you won't look back.