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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

today my husband was arrested

111 replies

inadarkplace · 13/10/2014 20:29

for sexually assaulting my dd she apparently mentioned it to a friend was overheard by someone else who threatened her saying she would tell everyone so she told the first i heard was when they came over and i was on the phone to the police because she hadn't got home yet im obliterated we have two sons together and my dd is from a prev relationship we were having problems but we were getting better i thought things were going to be okay i mean we were trying to make it work he has just rang me from the police station crying his eyes out ive had to tell him he cant see the boys he said tell them all i love them i had to tell him i can't pass on messages either he is telling me she made it up as they have not been getting along lately (true) she is telling me it happened and he said he would kill us all if she told im so upset and confused im totally sticking by my kids but i still love my husband and miss him terribly how can i love him if he has done this i assumed if something like this happened to someone they would stop loving them but all i feel is pain terrible pain

part of me thinks what if she is lying the other part of me wants to kill him for touching my daughter

im in hell

OP posts:
Fevertree · 13/10/2014 20:32

How terrible for you! This is obviously a huge shock and I'm sure you can't be expected to think straight. Sorry I really donthavw any advice but didn't want to leave this without a reply x

bumpybecky · 13/10/2014 20:33

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family. You must be in shock at the moment. Don't try and make sense of it yet, just try to cope one hour at a time.

Do you have real life support? a friend or relative who can be with you?

LittleBairn · 13/10/2014 20:34

Why can't your sons know their father loves them?

FushandChups · 13/10/2014 20:34

Oh my goodness - nothing I say is going to make you feel better but what an awful situation to be in and I can tell just how torn you are. I would imagine most people would feel the way you do - being pulled apart by two of the most important people in your life

I am so so sorry Thanks massive hugs!

Branleuse · 13/10/2014 20:36

im sorry :(

xx

frignorant · 13/10/2014 20:38

So sorry that you're family are going through this.

How old is your dd?

Squidstirfry · 13/10/2014 20:38

Fwiw it's unlikely she made it up.

thenamehaschanged · 13/10/2014 20:42

Your poor little girl Sad

It would be shutters down, all about her and making sure she knows I'm fully on her side for me at the moment, which I am sure you are doing.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Vitalstatistix · 13/10/2014 20:45

It is highly unlikely she made it up. It is more likely the reason they have 'not been getting along lately' as you say. You didn't understand why but now you do. Children do not generally make this up. She disclosed it to a friend. I doubt it was as casual as 'mentioning' it. She needed help and she can now get it.

You also need help. This obviously has knocked you sideways. You need support to process this and to enable you to support all of your children. You cannot let your daughter think that you doubt her.

Have the police put you in touch with anyone who can help you?

Original poster
inadarkplace · 13/10/2014 20:46

she is 14 she has had mental issues in the past because she was groomed by my moms boyfriend i know its unlikely she has made it up a part of me is hoping she has because i love my husband but i love my children more im terrified of being alone i know i can be a single parent its not like ive not done it before but its so painful she is so chipper today when she got home and i gave her a cuddle and told her everything would be fine

the police and social services told me no contact he cant tell me to pass on messages he cant pass on messages through his mom or anyone

the boys are his but the same rules apply he is allowed no contact for the duration of the investigation

i always thought in situations like this the mom would fall out of love with the guy how fucking naive was i if anything i miss him.........shit

OP posts:
Original poster
inadarkplace · 13/10/2014 20:47

im totally behind my dd in this im only sharing my doubt on here dont worry!

OP posts:
Twitterqueen · 13/10/2014 20:48

What a terrible, terrible thing to be happening.

It will be impossible for you to make any kind of decision right now.
Don't do anything at all for a while. You need time to absorb this, to listen to what evidence is there, to trust your own instincts etc.

Don't do anything right now, except reassure your children that everything will be OK, and that though there's obviously a bit of trouble right now, everyone is trying to help.

Just take one tiny, tiny step at a time, and try not to react, just say "I'm doing everything I can to sort this out. I'm not sure what is going on, but don't worry. I will make sure you are OK."

You poor, poor thing. Time is what you need.

magoria · 13/10/2014 20:48

Threatening to kill the whole family all is exactly what my step father said to me when I said I was telling. He also held a knife to my throat as he said it. Makes it very hard not to believe as a kid they really will do it.

Sorry for what you are going through.

Original poster
inadarkplace · 13/10/2014 20:49

and to be honest its not even a doubt its because i love him and now ive got to turn away from him we have been through so much together yes we have had our difficulties but when it counted i have always been able to rely on him now i have no one in real life who i can talk to

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 13/10/2014 20:49

Hi op, I've sent you a pm.
Vent on here as much as you need.

Original poster
inadarkplace · 13/10/2014 20:50

i will be back later

OP posts:
LineRunner · 13/10/2014 20:50

Good grief. She has been through abuse before, with your mother's boyfriend? You have got to support her now, 100%.

Glittermud · 13/10/2014 20:50

You must be going through hell and yet you are supporting your daughter. Stay strong and find support.

calzone · 13/10/2014 20:50

How horrible for all of you.....HmmHmmHmm

Hope you can get through this with your family. Xx

LittleBairn · 13/10/2014 20:55

Its quite likely that due to your mother ex he saw her as a soft target.

inlectorecumbit · 13/10/2014 20:56

To throw a spanner in the works
l know of a 15 year old girl who was overheard at school telling her friend she had been sexually assaulted by a 16 year old boy. Obviously it was taken further and the boy's life was torn apart. He was eventually cleared after the police had investigated including iphones and computer records and an article and statement from the police was printed in the local paper exonerating him.
All very well you would think but not before the boy spend a long time in hospital and a member of the girl's family found guilty of a serious assault.

So by all means support you DD but let the police investigate fully.
Flowers

GrouchyKiwi · 13/10/2014 20:56

Oh OP. What a horrible situation. I hope you have someone in real life you can lean on. Flowers

fourwoodenchairs · 13/10/2014 20:58

I'm thinking of you Thanks

RaisingMen · 13/10/2014 20:58

I don't even know how you would begin to process something like this. Sending you strength and hugs x

RaisingMen · 13/10/2014 20:58

I don't even know how you would begin to process something like this. Sending you strength and hugs x

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