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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

today my husband was arrested

111 replies

inadarkplace · 13/10/2014 20:29

for sexually assaulting my dd she apparently mentioned it to a friend was overheard by someone else who threatened her saying she would tell everyone so she told the first i heard was when they came over and i was on the phone to the police because she hadn't got home yet im obliterated we have two sons together and my dd is from a prev relationship we were having problems but we were getting better i thought things were going to be okay i mean we were trying to make it work he has just rang me from the police station crying his eyes out ive had to tell him he cant see the boys he said tell them all i love them i had to tell him i can't pass on messages either he is telling me she made it up as they have not been getting along lately (true) she is telling me it happened and he said he would kill us all if she told im so upset and confused im totally sticking by my kids but i still love my husband and miss him terribly how can i love him if he has done this i assumed if something like this happened to someone they would stop loving them but all i feel is pain terrible pain

part of me thinks what if she is lying the other part of me wants to kill him for touching my daughter

im in hell

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 13/10/2014 20:59

Your OP also suggests that she was the subject of a bully that threatened to tell everyone what they overheard, so she's going to need tonnes of support at school or wherever that conversation took place too.

What a terrible situation for all your family. I hope you find strength in your love for each other x

EggInABap · 13/10/2014 21:03

In the nicest way I can possibly say it- you need to focus on your daughter. Each of your posts seem to centre on your grief over losing your relationship.

If anyone touched my children it that way they would be dead to me.

Bogeyface · 13/10/2014 21:09

I cant begin to imagine what you must be going through, have the police offered you any support?

I found this on line, www.mosac.org.uk/ and it looks like the right place for you to find some support from others who have been through it.

Take care xxx

CookieDoughKid · 13/10/2014 21:11

He's obviously not the man you thought you knew. I'm sorry to hear about this but thank God he was caught now.

GarlicOctopus · 13/10/2014 21:36

Your daughter's been very brave. You can be proud of her.

It is terrible for you, yes :( You're watching the partner you believed in melt away before your eyes, being replaced by something infinitely more sinister. I really hope you'll get in touch with support groups for parents in a similar situation, and who've been through it. Is it possible Women's Aid or Victim Support might have some information?

ChippingInLatteLover · 13/10/2014 21:52

I would support her (of course) but also give the police time to investigate before you condemn him. What happened to your mothers boyfriend? There is a possibility that she's hoping the same will happen to your DH.

MatildaV · 13/10/2014 22:04

Even if you have a shred of doubt, you must support her and make sure she knows she has you on her side. I hope you've got someone in real life to talk to about this - if you haven't, then try phoning someone like the NSPCC for advice/support.

YouAreMyRain · 13/10/2014 22:10

I am so sorry this is happening to you (and your DD). It is very unlikely that she has made it up. I will pm'd you.

Original poster
inadarkplace · 13/10/2014 23:24

my mothers boyfriend and my mother were never allowed near us again there was a problem at the time and it was not investigated properly im giving the police my full support with the investigation i know im focusing about my relationship with him but its because in real life i can't i have to focus on her totally and all i want to do is cry for everything he is never alone with her but then again there have been times he has for a few minutes here and there it would never have occurred to me this was happening i mean he doesn't even like picking her up from school when its raining fgs the last few months ive had to fight for him to do anything for her he seems to not like her at all and avoid her at all costs to the point where i nearly left him she was the one who told me to stay

she doesn't blink on anything to do with this i spoke to her tonight i didn't ask her about it as such but i asked her if she consented to an examination by a doctor (they said they needed my permission first) she said unblinkingly yes i think she is telling the truth but she is so normal she has been dancing around the house like nothing has happened im shell shocked her younger brother is upset although the police now say he might get to see the boys supervised the baby is upset but he obviously has no clue why and she is acting normal she said she is happy to get it off her chest i can understand that i supose when the police dropped the bomb on me i expected her to be acting differently or something

OP posts:
RJnomore · 13/10/2014 23:30

You need to remember that while this is new to you and you are in shock, understandably, this is the reality your daughter has been living with for some time now and she probably does feel like dancing, she is getting the help and support she needs. Her reaction may change over time but for now she is probably relieved.

What an awful situation for you. It's so difficult coming to terms with someone not being who you thought they were, and questioning yourself as to why you didn't realise.

SurelyTemple · 13/10/2014 23:36

The second time she has been through this? Omg, please be as strong as you can be for her. Heartbreaking. Let her know you are 100% behind her. She has to know that you're on her side.

stupidlittlegirl · 13/10/2014 23:41

Poor you, poor dd. X

BlackeyedSusan · 13/10/2014 23:42

I suspect you still love him, because you love the man you thought he was. well done for behaving and thinking right. the emotions will follow in the end, after they have rampaged through several different states. you need support for that from somewhere to help you support your dd.

Peaceloveandbiscuits · 14/10/2014 00:18

My sister was abused by a family member who I was very, very close to. He was my best friend. My sister confided in me, and though I had no evidence either way, I had to believe her, because she is my sister. It was heartbreaking losing my best friend, and I had to act as though he had died, and mourn for the loss of our relationship, because there was no way I could ever have a relationship with him again. I do understand why you feel the way you do about your partner; love isn't something you can switch on and off like a tap, even though obviously you know that your daughter is the one who needs your support. Inside, it's natural that you are conflicted.
I hope this is resolved for you all and that your daughter and other children are all alright.

TinyPawz · 14/10/2014 00:23

What an awful situation. Flowers

MexicanSpringtime · 14/10/2014 01:23

So sorry for your pain, it must hurt awfully but you are doing the right thing by your poor dd

DistanceCall · 14/10/2014 02:46

It's a horrible situation. And you need to get to the bottom of it.

Whatever the truth is, you need to support your daughter - either she has been abused (and for the second time), or she is unwell and she's calling for your attention or something similar (in which case she also needs support).

You don't need to think about your partner until everything's been resolved. You can place him in, so to speak, mental containment - you still don't know what has happened, you don't know what to think about him, so there is no need to rush into judgement either way.

I understand that you can't turn love on and off, but you don't have to do that right now. Just isolate him mentally - if he's guilty, you'll have evidence, and plenty of time to hate him. If he's not, you still have done the right thing - any adult in his right mind would understand that you need to be sure 100% when children are involved.

So what matters most here is that you find out what happened, and that you make it clear to your daughter that you will support her whatever happened.

I am very sorry you are going through this.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2014 07:02

I'm sorry this is happening to your family and think all you can do is keep an open mind and let the police do their job. Your husband is innocent until proven guilty and your DD has to be taken on face value at the same time. It puts you in a very difficult position and I sympathise

seasavage · 14/10/2014 07:30

It must be so hard to deal with either massive betrayl and at the moment you have a vulnerable (either way she is very vulnerable) dd to support. You are used to relying on your H for emotional support for you. That is not available now.
Of course you are in shock. And you have to be strong. Reach out for the support for your DD and also (separately) your own need to attempt to process this huge storm ripping through your family.

Lucylloyd13 · 14/10/2014 10:20

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Isetan · 14/10/2014 12:04

I disagree Lucylloyd13, the OP shouldn't be interrogating her daughter. Your role OP here is to listen and support your daughter, leave the investigating to the Police and if the Police tell you not to contact your H, then don't.

I understand you're in turmoil but hedging your bets will look and feel unsupportive to your daughter and right now, she needs you.

paxtecum · 14/10/2014 14:39

OP: I know someone who was abused by her grandad when she was a child.
She told her mum, who dismissed it as lies.
Since then she has hated her parents and grandad.
She left home asap and has no contact with them

You must be going through hell.

Flowers for you and DD

warysara · 14/10/2014 14:44

I'm sorry that sounds like an awful situation. Unfortunately children do make things up, but I have no idea how you could possibly know what the truth is.

I assume the police have taken a statement with specifics of where and what from your daughter? Perhaps that can be cross-referenced with what your husband says? If he is at the Police station then hopefully it will be investigated fully.

Again a truly terrible situation.

SpuffySummers · 14/10/2014 15:13

LucyLloyd .... I'm speechless. Do you honestly think a paedophile treats his VICTIM the same way he would his wife in a sexual manner?! I feel sick just reading your comment.

OP please do NOT interrogate your child. IME with things like this it should always, always be assumed the child is 100% telling the truth until the police have investigated, but even then, I know a few cases be dropped due to lack of evidence as these predators are so damn good at covering their tracks.

handfulofcottonbuds · 14/10/2014 15:19

LucyLloyd - your advice about the DM being the only one best placed to expose the truth, particularly through trying to identify sexual preference of her husband, is potentially damaging. I am appalled that someone can have this view. Although as I work in child protection, it sadly doesn't surprise me.