today my husband was arrested

[inadarkplace]

for sexually assaulting my dd she apparently mentioned it to a friend was overheard by someone else who threatened her saying she would tell everyone so she told the first i heard was when they came over and i was on the phone to the police because she hadn't got home yet im obliterated we have two sons together and my dd is from a prev relationship we were having problems but we were getting better i thought things were going to be okay i mean we were trying to make it work he has just rang me from the police station crying his eyes out ive had to tell him he cant see the boys he said tell them all i love them i had to tell him i can't pass on messages either he is telling me she made it up as they have not been getting along lately (true) she is telling me it happened and he said he would kill us all if she told im so upset and confused im totally sticking by my kids but i still love my husband and miss him terribly how can i love him if he has done this i assumed if something like this happened to someone they would stop loving them but all i feel is pain terrible pain

part of me thinks what if she is lying the other part of me wants to kill him for touching my daughter

im in hell

my daughter is happy a little peeved at me as we couldn't go to school for a meeting about work experience last night i had to point out to her gently that ive no transport (my husband was the driver) school is an hours walk away and her brother is sick it was unfair of me to drag him out when he has diarrhea she wanted to go alone to the meeting but i didn't think she should be walking home alone at ten at night pretty sure she should be protected after all this not just left to wander the streets

yes but the threat to her was coming from her home, not from the streets. Do let her live as normal a life as possible, please.

It sounds like she wants some kind of normality and for things to go on as planned.

I have no doubt this is so hard for you to deal with and to try and maintain some kind of normality for your DCs, especially when your DS is poorly.

It sounds like you're doing really well. Keep your strength up.

no but an hour walk at 10 at night., whatever happened that is not on.
no wonder you want to protect her of course.

inadarkplace, what horrible situation you are in. I will give you my experience take from it what you want or need. I know it won't all apply but I just want to you know how she may feel.

I was sexually abused by my cousin. I told my dad and he asked my cousin who admitted it. The next day when I went home to my mums and told her she rung the police. My dad denied everything, said I was a liar and my cousin would never do anything like that. I refused to press charges as my dad threatened me, I was so vulnerable at that time and didn't want to lose anymore family.
Without doubt my mum believed me but I felt I couldn't talk about it.
I never got counselling for it, and for the past 10 years I thought I had got past it. I felt I had forgotten and was living my life.
The birth of my second child a girl has brought it all back to me and now she is 6 months I am finally in counselling. I self referred to nexus, my counsellor is such an amazing woman. I'm only at the start of my counselling had 2 sessions.
It's really helping me to face my past demons and my new ones.
Please when the time comes and the shock wears off, please make sure your daughter has someone to talk to. Ideally a counsellor.

In my short time at counselling I have learned a lot. To you your daughter might seem normal but it's amazing what kids can do. I'm amazed at how I went from being distraught at what happened to school the following Monday (happened on a Sat Night).

I have my regrets I'll always have and she will to. Just take each day at a time. Thinking of you all

ive just had an argument with my five year old he wants his dad he wants more food but he won't leave the house to get it he stood there screaming at me so i couldnt make a phone call i shouted at him told him i needed to make the call so we could keep the shitty house he screamed at me more i screamed back he kicked me i smacked his foot all he was screaming was dont you dare hit me i was screaming dont you dare kick me he screamed at me and threw his toys at me im hiding downstairs now totally ashamed im the worlds worst mom i hate myself so much i should never have shouted i even tried to say sorry but all he did was shriek more so i left him to it he is still kicking the shit out of his bed shouting how much he hates me

he thinks its all my fault

When he's calm and you are as well go and offer him a hug, tell him you're sorry for shouting and you're sorry that he's cross but you can't help him feel better if he just screams and kicks you need him to talk to you calmly. He will be confused and struggling to understand what's going on just like you are and he knows even less about what is going on than you do.

None of this is your fault but sadly you are the one who has to hold things together and that is going to mean dealing with all the confusion the kids are feeling.

Is the anyone who can come and be with the children while you go to the shop?

I'm sorry you're going through all this.

Do you have RL support?

Even a police support person might be acceptable perhaps? What a horrendous time, but you will get through it. Day by day, hug by hug, meal by meal. Once you've all gone "boom" emotions might settle enough to start becoming a team.

im hoping we get some sleep tonight to be honest i was up with my five year old till almost midnight then my one year old started to vomit at three am so we are all more than tired today

he came down and said sorry and cried some more

ive managed to eat some chips now my stomach is killing me

this is so sad. your port dd. your poor ds. poor you.

presumably your husband will request access to the ds's under a social services supervised contact centre.
I assume your dd will not want to see him, even at a supervised contact centre? even whilst a police investigation is going on, he presumably has rights to at least request access to the children?

he cant see my dd at all he has been told he might get supervised with his sons but we have heard nothing else about that ive not seen a social worker since the first night the police rang me yesterday and said they will pop over today and let me know what is going on with the investigation she was going to leave it because my son is off school but i asked her to come over anyway as i need to know what the hell is going on they came over monday and ripped my life apart and left me too it

my sil/mil are trying to be supportive but the family is torn in two we are not arguing amongst ourselves yet but that could come next so we are keeping it all cautious

inadarkplace yes, I guess things will get very difficult with sil/mil :(

im afraid of that they are nice people to be fair they are trying its all so difficult i can see everyones point of view

she is hopefully having her medical exam tomorrow and i've got to make a statement

on the plus side i've only cried once so far today

ds has been good today dd has her physical examination tomorrow and im feeling sick already

I'm not surprised you're feeling sick, you're living a nightmare.

I hope the police visit went smoothly.

I'm so sorry. Try and take care of yourself too

I'm surprised they're doing a medical exam. I hope it's not to stressful for her (and you).

How did it go today with the police?

How is DS feeling now? Back to school tomorrow or off again?

At least it's the weekend after that.

I prosecute lots of these cases.I can only endorse the good advice you have already received,please carry on supporting your dd.It is amazing to me how many mothers don't support their daughters.

Thinking of you all op x

Hey op. I'm so sad that this is happening to you and your children. I think you are dealing with it fantastically.

I've been abused. And I've loved someone who turned out to be an abuser. I've been disbelieved. And I've done the disbelieving.

I was abused by a family member. When I eventually spoke up I was disbelieved. Then it was all brushed under the carpet. As a late teen I was very promiscuous and throughout my adult life have had a string of rubbish relationships. Pretty much feel like damaged goods now. Had a breakdown, went through counselling and now the family members that turned the other cheek are dead to me.

My step brother, that I adored, turned out to be an abuser. I've never really been able to consolidate the brother I knew to the abuser he was. It messed me up for years. Complicated by his suicide. I've never stopped loving my step brother. For the person he was. And I've never stopped hating him for the person he turned out to be.

All I can say is what matters here are the children. Your dd in particular. I do believe in innocent until proven guilty yes but she has to come first. Don't feel doubt because she sings and seems happy. Children are amazingly good at blocking out trauma. She may even just be happy that your husband is not there, if he has hurt her she will feel safe with him away.

I hope all goes well with the medical examination and it's not too traumatic for her. Thinking of you all.

I don't think Lucylloyd13 posts on ANY threads unrelated to sex/sexual abuse/prostitution/pornography. Very surprised she/he is not banned to be honest as there are very worrying themes.

OP. I agree with others that have said all you can do for now is concentrate on putting one front in the other and focus on your children. It is the role of the Police to investigate what happened and no-one else's.

It is unrealistic to imagine you'd suddenly have no feelings at all for your husband. With time, you'll be able to process what is happening.

It's very early days. Go easy on yourself, you're doing the best you can.

Support your DD, but don't write your partner off as an abuser yet. Wait for the investigation.

It is possible that not getting on with him at the time, she used her previous experience to attack him. Didn't mean for it to go this far but it was overheard. On a thread of secrets on AIBU someone admitted their friend had lied about the same thing to get her step dad out of the house. I'm not saying that's what happened, I'm saying it's possible.

Try to keep going for the sake of your children. I'm pretty sure he'll get supervised contact with his sons soon, that will help them.

Stand by your daughter, either she's been abused again, or she felt she couldske the accusations in anger. Either way she's going to need counselling and parental guidance.

Hey OP I'm sorry this is happening to you, I can't imagine what this must be like. A family member supposedly did the same to my DP. He was 12 or 13, and has only just told me about it now. We can't do anything as it will tear our whole family apart. It really is hell for everyone involved and I hope you can get through this quickly and safely. my thoughts are with you