IL divorcing me too

[BioSuisse]

2 weeks and 4 days ago I discovered DH was having an affair and he left us. We told the DCs a week later. Yesterday i received an email signed from my MIL, FIL and SIL saying, in short, goodbye and goodluck. It wasn't a nasty email but it strongly stated that they didn't expect to see me again and thanked me for being a good DIL and good DM to their DGC.

I was not expecting this. In truth i was relying on them for some support, especially as STBXDH and i live abroad and i will have to move back to the UK with the DCS after Xmas because without DH we can't live here. I was hoping they would help me with the move back and that we could possibly stay with them for a while, they are wealthy with a very big house, lots of room, holiday cottage etc. I have always gotten along well with them and they knowledge that STBXDH cheated and was a shit DH. I don't feel like i am in the wrong and have always been a good DIL.

Is this normal in divorce cases? I am very upset.

Do they intend to have nothing further to do with their GC then? How horrible of them to send such a thing when you're probably still shell shocked by this happening.

No its not normal. I still get on very well with my lovely in laws. However at least they have shown their true colours at an early stage.

It hurts and its upsetting but their actions speak far more about them than it ever will about you. Move on without a second thought about them, they made their choice. In the long run i hope you will look back and be glad that you were able to build your (lovely) new life all by yourself without the help of this unpleasant bunch.

That's very odd. Do they expect to see the children?
If that's their attitude then sod them I say. I expect it's hard to have to do it all without help now but they sound a bit bizarre and maybe you ate better off in the long run on your own

I can understand that you are upset, but when it comes down to it he is their son and brother. It probably doesn't matter how badly he has behaved he is still their flesh and blood. In an ideal world it would be nice if this didn't matter and your ils could help you, but it obviously isn't going to happen in this case. It probably only happens in a minority of cases.

Do you have family of your own who can help?

Oh gosh, that's quite mean. Hmm. TBH, wouldn't you be expecting help off your own mum and dad, not his? Yes, they acknowledge he cheated and was a shit DH, but he's still their son. Really, their loyalty is to him (however misguided!)

But I'm a little that they wouldn't want to help a little as there are grandchildren? That seems a bit weird. Is it absolutely crystal clear?

I assume that they expect to see the children through their son, but I suppose that will be tricky if they live in a different country to their son.

It looks like I'm in the minority in thinking that family supports their blood relative, even if it is the wrong thing to do.

I have not had direct experience of this but I have heard other women have similar from their current ILs. These people have chosen to side with their own son and brother in the case of SIL. Family loyalties, even unhealthy ones, count for a lot in some families. I am not unfortunately therefore all that surprised that they have chosen this course of action. It is their loss ultimately although they likely do not see it as such.

How do the children feel about their grandparents; what sort of relationship do they themselves have with these people?.

I think they have assumed perhaps wrongly that they would not expect to see you again. Will they maintain any sort of relationship with their grandchildren and you post separation; this is something I would want to know from them. You have separated from their son, this does not automatically have to follow that their grandchildren and you no longer see their grandparents. They are still their grandparents even though your H and you are no longer together.

Yep, unfortunately this is often the case. MIL told me years ago that she thought of me as a daughter. Her own dd passed away this year, so stbx is her only child now. I rarely hear from MIL at all now, and she really tends to believe what stbx tells her, which is all lies.

That phrase "blood is thicker than water" really does apply. So many times this seems to play out - the ILs may act supportive in their initial shock over their adult child's behaviour, but blood wins out in the long run and they return their complete support to their offspring, regardless of their behaviour.

MIL is very pleasant but a bit cold. Regarding the DGC she said "give the darlings a kiss from Granny and hope you all have a lovely last Christmas in Switzerland. (FIL) and i are contemplating popping out to Moscow in the summer to visit (STBXDH) but i doubt the DGC will be with him."

As we have always lived abroad we have not seen much of PIL, i have visited them twice a year at least by myself.

do you know what reasons your ex gave for the break up, he may have told them all sorts of horror stories of how he "had" to have an affair-putting the blame on you.
Perhaps that is why they have sided with him and cut your off so dramatically
On the other hand they may just be pathetic knobs like their DS

The thing is that you often hear people say that they would always love and support their children no matter what they had done. This is just an extension of that. Rationally they could support you and their son, but for whatever reason they don't feel they can do that.

By the way I'm not saying that it's right or kind.

Not always Alice,

The day we broke up my FIL said to me 'you will always be my SIL' and he has remained true to that even through the occasional sticky period.

Although this situation is of course different.

Sounds like that was a waste of time, then.
I hope your own parents are still around, BioSuisse, so that your dc have some loving gps.

Can you ring/email them about the letter? Presumably if was pleasant in tone, they may still be receptive to communication. Could your ex have influenced this? If so, they may not really want to cut ties with you, hence the letter.

Come to think of it i have always taken the DCs to them, they have hardly come out to visit us. MIL is not particularly maternal but was always pleasant enough.

Yes i have my own family but as nice as they are they offer no practical support and never have done.

get I didn't say always, just "often". My stbx verbally and physically abused the dcs (which is why I left him) and yet he has managed to convince his family that he is the wronged one... to the point where he "attempted suicide" and now of course they're all treating him with kid gloves, poor boy. And I'm apparently the villain of the piece, even though I was just trying to protect us and stop the abuse. Go figure.

Are you sure they meant it that way? I'm just thinking, do they think that actually not you and their son have split up, that you may wish not to have anything to do with them? It may be worth checking.

DH admitted to the affair and to trying to persuade us to move to Moscow so that he could be closer to his mistress.

Sorry just so tired and brain dead i am going to leave the thread i can't think properly. I think DH is very much like his mum.

You're absolutely ghastly people you're well shot of the whole lot of them.

They may come to regret their stance once they lose contact with the GC, I don't think it's at all good for your kids to be around people who behave like that.

Nice family.

In my experience this would happen over a period of time where you find you have less and less contact . But to write and send you on your merry way like that is very weird. They sound strange. Do you think because they are wealthy that you are going to be looking for something from them so making it clear that's not going to happen. It was a very mean letter to get in the middle of a crisis.

comedancing yes that is at the back of my mind, they are making it clear they do not intend to help financially in anyway.

You're? That is supposed to say What ^

I'm sure it's about money and what they see as potential hassle.

Wealth appears to have deprived them of their humanity.

I think that when they say they don't 'expect' to see you again, it could be read that they would not expect you to keep in contact after the hideous mess their son has made. I'm not 100% sure that they don't 'want' to see you......

I would wait until you are back, set up and then drop them a line with your new address and maybe, if it's practical, ask if they would like to see the grandchildren. Or would you prefer just to not see them?

This is the email...
"
Dear BioSuisse

We just thought we should all write to you to say our little goodbyes in light of the recent troubles between you and STBXDH. We are first to acknowledge that STBXDH has behaved inappropriatly and the blame for ending your marriage lies firmly with him. You are a strong girl and i am sure you will cope well on your own. You have been a good wife, good daughter-in-law and good mother, for which we thank you.

Give the darlings a kiss from Granny and hope you all have a lovely last Christmas in Switzerland. (FIL) and i are contemplating popping out to Moscow in the summer to visit (STBXDH) but i doubt the DGC will be with him. And from your perspective thank heavens you didn't move to Moscow when the opportunity arose in the summer.

Onwards and upwards.

Best,
MIL, FIL & SIL.