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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

IL divorcing me too

110 replies

BioSuisse · 10/10/2014 13:50

2 weeks and 4 days ago I discovered DH was having an affair and he left us. We told the DCs a week later. Yesterday i received an email signed from my MIL, FIL and SIL saying, in short, goodbye and goodluck. It wasn't a nasty email but it strongly stated that they didn't expect to see me again and thanked me for being a good DIL and good DM to their DGC.

I was not expecting this. In truth i was relying on them for some support, especially as STBXDH and i live abroad and i will have to move back to the UK with the DCS after Xmas because without DH we can't live here. I was hoping they would help me with the move back and that we could possibly stay with them for a while, they are wealthy with a very big house, lots of room, holiday cottage etc. I have always gotten along well with them and they knowledge that STBXDH cheated and was a shit DH. I don't feel like i am in the wrong and have always been a good DIL.

Is this normal in divorce cases? I am very upset.

OP posts:
HampshireBoy · 10/10/2014 15:03

I would send that response Bio, their message reads to me like they are leaving the door open to stay in contact. Plenty of people want to cut all ties with ex ILs, which can be understandable.

Make clear that you would like the DCs to not lose contact with GPs and Auntie, the ball is then in their court.

MelonOfTroy · 10/10/2014 15:03

It is very distancing isn't it? I would be tempted to respond and thank them for their good wishes but instead of suggesting that you visit with the gc, perhaps put something like 'as dc and I will be living in the uk after Xmas do let me know whenever you'd like to visit them.'

StartinOverTheRainbow · 10/10/2014 15:04

Sadly going through my own version of this. Blood is thicker by far. Sad and unfair but at least now you know where you fit in their lives (or don't).

Thumbwitch · 10/10/2014 15:06

I agree with Twinkel and Vital, tbh.

There is nothing in their email that suggests they are in any way open to continuing to know you, and they only appear to be considering seeing the grandchildren if they're with their feckless father. Nice. Hmm

StillProcrastinating · 10/10/2014 15:06

I didn't think it was that bad, and I don't think they are saying goodbye really. If you ignore that opening sentence the rest of it is pretty normal if you don't see each other all the time. And they probably just made a mistake with opening line, it must have been a hard email to write.

Don't assume the worst. I thought your response was nice. Hope it works out.

Thumbwitch · 10/10/2014 15:07

It's not always like this though - I used to have a friend whose brother did the dirty on his wife and child, and his family rallied around them, and cut him off almost completely (he was a bastard to them though!).

Twinklestein · 10/10/2014 15:08

How does 'goodbye' leave a door open? They've slammed it her face. Very politely, naturally.

If you want to clarify OP, I would reply:

Thank you for your message, I just wanted to clarify, when you say 'goodbye' are you intending to stay in touch with the grandchildren and me?

Johnogroats · 10/10/2014 15:12

My brother divorced recently after discovering his W was having an affair. She is useless with money, totally flaky and can't cook. He did everything.

His exILs were very hands on, when it suited them. And to be fair, they have had the children during holidays to help exW. However, I doubt that they will have an ongoing relationship with DB or indeed with anyone on our side of the family. No reason why the should of course, but we have been very friendly in the past, and even last Xmas (when affair was known about) we had a card signed "with love from X and Y"

I think that they (brothers ILs) are an emotionally stunted family, and they will think the whole thing has been rather unfortunate, but best to move on, put the nasty business under the carpet and get on with the social life. I had thought they were very nice people. Now I think they are shallow and not worth wasting time over.

OP your situation may be different. Perhaps worth clarifying things with them? Sorry you are going through this. I know my DB found his ILs behaviour extremely upsetting. Blood is thicker than water....

Wishyouwould · 10/10/2014 15:14

I was cut off by my in-laws when I ended my abusive marriage. This was despite the fact that I was actually closer to my in-laws than my STBXH. But as others have said blood is thicker than water.

Initially my MIL came round to try and talk me our of it for the sake of our DC. These are the DC btw that her son smacked in the face and verbally abused. I was sadly never able to reconcile with my FIL who died earlier on this year.

I am now 18 months down the line and as far as I'm concerned that shipped has now sailed. You don't really want people that are willing to cut you out via a letter n your life.

Sorry but they won't care that your DH cheated. He is their son. He has probably already justified his behaviour to them Flowers

QuintessentiallyQS · 10/10/2014 15:18

I think their email is quite clear cut. They are writing to say good bye to you, and to let you know that they will see the children when they see their son.

I am at loss what to reply, other than "Dear X&Y, Thank you for emailing me your goodbyes, you have made your position quite clear. Thank you for being good inlaws, it has been a pleasure knowing you. I hope your son will be keen to continue a relationship with his children, so that they will also get to know and love their grandparents"

MindReader · 10/10/2014 15:18

Oh, Bio Thanks

Their email is odd.
They are probably not good at expressing emotion.
The first para (if you ignore the 'goodbye' bit) is well meaning - possibly.
But the second is odd too.

I think your reply is excellent.

I would be tempted to change the last line to:

'As Dc and I will be living in the UK after Xmas do let us know when is suitable for visits. There is no need for our relationship to end.'

Then you have made it crystal clear.
If they don't take you up on it is their loss.

My IL are behaving this way and I am not even divorced yet.
My H has a history of depression / not coping and is going through this atm and behaving spectacularly badly too. IL are maintaining radio silence with me, sending the odd card/gift for kids on b'day etc and texting him constantly asking if his 'difficult marriage' is making him unhappy. They have been doing this for some years now. Cannot meet my eyes if we ever meet (once every 2 years at most) Very sad and doesn't help him to behave in an acceptable adult way either.

Twinklestein · 10/10/2014 15:23

I'm not sure why people suggest ignoring the 'goodbye' bit when it's actually the crux of the message.

R4roger · 10/10/2014 15:25

I think it is up to you to maintain contact for the sake of their GC. I am sorry you felt they could help, perhaps they can in the future, but perhaps it is too raw for everyone at the moment.

when my parents divorced we stayed briefly with my DF's parents while we got settled in the area and always had contact, but I dont spose it was immediate.
give it time Thanks

ArsenicFaceCream · 10/10/2014 15:29

I think it is up to you to maintain contact for the sake of their GC.

I'm not at all sure the onus should be on the OP.

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 10/10/2014 15:31

I would go with Quntessentialy's note. Play them at their own game. But maybe that's just me. I wouldn't be making much effort for my kids to stay in touch with people who send emails like that.

TheSpottedZebra · 10/10/2014 15:34

Gosh OP what a confusing email.
It could be a goodbye, but it could also be a rubbishy - phrased feeler to see if you mih5ht want to stay in touch.
Of course your STBXH could have told them anything - that you have no intention of staying in touch, that you said you would but only for cash, etc etc.

If you think you can take it, maybe it would be worth your sending the email that you drafted above, or you just asking, as others have said, if they want to stay in touch.

zippey · 10/10/2014 15:44

From the email it sounds like they acknowledge the end of your relationship as DIL/PIL. "Strongly stating" and "Actually stating" that they will not see you again are two different things so I wonder if you have got the wrong end of the stick?

At the end of the day though, they probably think they have to take sides, so they are taking the side of their child, as Im sure you would if it were your child.

Im assuming your DH will see the children and your PIL will see them on occasion with your DH.

You'll have other relationships and so will your STB so they probably feel its best breaking ties cleanly.

Mintyy · 10/10/2014 15:52

Ghastly people! you should let it go viral Wink.

Seriously, though, that email is incredibly cold and you must be heartbroken. The sooner you can get away from that family the better ...

BarbarianMum · 10/10/2014 15:58

Poor you Sad

I will love and support my sons no matter what. I don't see that as being incompatible with caring for and supporting my dil, the mother of my grandchildren, if they prove incompatible in marriage. Doubly so if my son has acted like a complete turd.

AugustaGloop · 10/10/2014 16:01

I would be very upset to receive that email, but like you would want to clarify any residual doubt. I think I would be a bit more neutral in response eg
Dear MIL, FIL & SIL,

Thank you for your email. The last few weeks have indeed been very hard for me and the DC. Given that XH lives in Moscow which may affect how often he will be able to see the DC, please let me know if you would be interested in maintaining a less sporadic relationship with the DC through me. I would be open to this (and the DC would like it) but was not clear from your email.

ByTheWishingWell · 10/10/2014 16:03

I didn't read the message as a 'fuck off' at all. The first sentence is pretty awful, and it all sounds a bit strange and stilted. But it might have been a very hard message for them to write, if they entirely blame your 'D'H for the split, but don't want to be seen to be taking sides against their son. I think they just find the situation awkward, and weren't sure what to say for the best.
I think your reply works however they meant it, and will get things clarified for you. Good luck. Flowers

ImperialBlether · 10/10/2014 16:09

I would email:

Dear MIL, FIL and SIL

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately I can't interpret it in any other way than that you don't want to see me again. Am I right to think this?

MindReader · 10/10/2014 16:10

Barbarian

I wish all PIL could act as graciously as you. Sadly it seems not.

Augusta's reply is probably the best so far, actually.

Jux · 10/10/2014 16:13

I can see it is hurtful, but I do wonder if they are expecting you to not want to see them and not want the children to have anything to do with them, so are getting the goodbye over and done with.

I think your reply is excellent, and I hope it reaps fruit.

Good luck to you, particularly when you move back here. You sound really nice, and strong. Keep believing in yourself. Thanks

sanfairyanne · 10/10/2014 16:14

i dont read it as necessarily a goodbye letter, despite it saying goodbye! so a more open reply along the lines of some on here would leave the door open