IL divorcing me too

[BioSuisse]

2 weeks and 4 days ago I discovered DH was having an affair and he left us. We told the DCs a week later. Yesterday i received an email signed from my MIL, FIL and SIL saying, in short, goodbye and goodluck. It wasn't a nasty email but it strongly stated that they didn't expect to see me again and thanked me for being a good DIL and good DM to their DGC.

I was not expecting this. In truth i was relying on them for some support, especially as STBXDH and i live abroad and i will have to move back to the UK with the DCS after Xmas because without DH we can't live here. I was hoping they would help me with the move back and that we could possibly stay with them for a while, they are wealthy with a very big house, lots of room, holiday cottage etc. I have always gotten along well with them and they knowledge that STBXDH cheated and was a shit DH. I don't feel like i am in the wrong and have always been a good DIL.

Is this normal in divorce cases? I am very upset.

I also think it could be letting you know that they thought well of you but maybe expect that you won't want to keep in touch and so are letting you know and hoping you will still want to keep in touch.
Could the comment about expect the gc won't be there have been a hint to sort out with you to still see them?
Maybe I m looking at it too positively but it could maybe be to see if you still want contact but they don't expect it after their ds behaviour.

I also think it could be letting you know that they thought well of you but maybe expect that you won't want to keep in touch and so are letting you know and hoping you will still want to keep in touch.
Could the comment about expect the gc won't be there have been a hint to sort out with you to still see them?
Maybe I m looking at it too positively but it could maybe be to see if you still want contact but they don't expect it after their ds behaviour.

Just read message and still think it could be to see if you still want them in your life.

Just read message and still think it could be to see if you still want them in your life.

My mil did.

The first thing she said when I called her in tears to say her son had just dumped me via text was " well if you had kept the place a bit tidier..."

She had encouraged him to leave and knew his mistress it transpired.

I've found I can trust and rely on nobody, although my previously cold mother has warmed a bit.

So sorry for your heartache. X

That's horrible. But at least you know where you stand with them now. :(

you have been a good mother? You are still and will still be. That part of your life is not coming to an end!

I'd be tempted to reply thank you for your letter. To clarify, are you saying that you no longer want anything to do with your grandchildren, or just me?

Maybe need. But if so why no "anything we can do to help?" or "when you are ready we would love to see you and the GC" or "we are here if you need us". I just feel disappointed. Maybe i am expecting too much.

That is the strangest, coldest email imaginable. A sort of virtual pat on the head when really the appropriate thing would be a big hug and an offer to hold your hand.

I think this will give you an insight into where your DH gets his lack of humanity from. Expect nothing from these people.

I don't think they're offering help at all or interested in maintaining any kind of relationship with you.

Yeah, it is a great big 'fuck off' isn't it?

I am thinking of sending this response...
"Dear MIL, FIL & SIL,

Thank you for your email and kind words. The last few weeks feel like a lifetime and have been very hard. I would still like to maintain a relationship with you all and to continue to visit with the GC as i always have done. Please let me know if you would be open to this.

Much love, bio"

It is a strange email. Could it be that they do want to continue to see you and the DC, but aren't very good at expressing themselves? Or maybe they feel you might blame them in some way, not sure why though.

Cross post - that is a good response!

I think your response is very classy, and appropriate. I do think it might be best not to expect much by way of emotional support from them, regardless of their reply.

It sounds horrible, and very strange, and you sound like you have been incredibly strong.

OP they're just like my father's family, there's no point sending an email like that.

They emailed to say goodbye: 'little goodbyes' in their ghastly terms.

Trying to cling to their legs as they're walking out the door, will simply add more grief and stress to what you already have to deal with.

If send that email back, I think it's a good response and you'd be clear about where you stand after it.

Wow, they are very bright and breezy about the whole thing, aren't they?

They sound extremely cold-hearted and I suspect they are trying to make it clear that they have no intention of helping or otherwise getting involved.

BioSuisse, you obviously know them better than we do but I'm not sure I would put myself in the position of asking these people for anything.

In their shoes, most grandparents would be terrified of losing contact with DGC but they don't sound remotely concerned.

I really hope you have some proper support in the UK because you can expect nothing from these people, I'm sorry

It's a very polite, posh 'fuck off'.

How hurtful.

But useful to know where you stand, and not to bother to make a special effort with them.

Exactly Vital, didn't see your similar post.

Reads to me like a massive damage limitation exercise. They sound like the sort to brush things under the carpet and pretend all is ok. Appearances matter more than real feelings or people.

I think you are best to steer clear. STBXH is the one who should stump up whatever cost incurred to repatriate you if he is the one who dragged you abroad. If his folks won't help practically then these costs will be higher and it is him they are shooting in the foot.

Twinkelstein and Vital put it better than I did.

Blimey Bio. Their email is rather odd and cold.

I think it's right that you respond. But I would be tempted to include a question wrt to their contact with your dc. Ask them if they want contact with the dc or if they would prefer a more sporadic approach through their father.

Make it clear that this is not about you, him or them. This is about the dc. But be prepared that they may not actually want that much contact with the children.

But get it in writing so that in years to come, it won't be you having the explain yourself to the dc.

what a horrible situation - but I read it as 'our son has been a complete shit but we don't quite feel we can say that, however we want to put on record that we KNOW it was all his fault.'

they may think you'll never want to see them again given they brought up this disaster of a man, but are leaving the options open.

do you want to ask them for help? Nothing to lose by so doing.