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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

IL divorcing me too

110 replies

BioSuisse · 10/10/2014 13:50

2 weeks and 4 days ago I discovered DH was having an affair and he left us. We told the DCs a week later. Yesterday i received an email signed from my MIL, FIL and SIL saying, in short, goodbye and goodluck. It wasn't a nasty email but it strongly stated that they didn't expect to see me again and thanked me for being a good DIL and good DM to their DGC.

I was not expecting this. In truth i was relying on them for some support, especially as STBXDH and i live abroad and i will have to move back to the UK with the DCS after Xmas because without DH we can't live here. I was hoping they would help me with the move back and that we could possibly stay with them for a while, they are wealthy with a very big house, lots of room, holiday cottage etc. I have always gotten along well with them and they knowledge that STBXDH cheated and was a shit DH. I don't feel like i am in the wrong and have always been a good DIL.

Is this normal in divorce cases? I am very upset.

OP posts:

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 10/10/2014 16:14

As they are obviously aware of his mistress, I wonder if they are paving the way for a new dynamic as his mistress becomes "part of the family." Sorry.

ajandjjmum · 10/10/2014 16:15

I like Augusta's response OP.

Sorry you're having such a shit time, and I think it is an awful message, taken at face value.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2014 16:18

I also like Augusta's response to your ILs.

Polonium · 10/10/2014 16:20

Dear FIL MIL

Thanks for you note.

I hope you know I don't hold you in any way responsible for what's happened between me and shagger. That saying about life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans is appropriate. Onwards and upwards indeed.

You have my email address, please don't become strangers.

With love

Dutiful wife to shagger and prima daughter in law.

Polonium · 10/10/2014 16:24

I think the the letter from them is acknowledging that you might not want to be in touch with them. I don't read it as them dumping you.

springalong · 10/10/2014 16:29

At least you had a note setting out what they would be doing. Mine just cut me off - literally at Christmas, no card and no birthday card. They see their only GC through their son when he needs babysitting and would prefer they drive a 200+ mile round trip rather than ask me 6 miles away. Families are odd.

ajandjjmum · 10/10/2014 16:30

The really cynical part of me is thinking that as they are wealthy, are they letting you know you can't rely on them and their wealth? Which is why my response would be along the lines of 'you're welcome to keep in touch with your DG' rather than 'would you like us to come and see you'.

Phalenopsis · 10/10/2014 16:48

Dons optimistic hat

Are they English OP? I ask because sometimes when English isn't a first language, letters especially can sound rather cold.

I also thought that the whole goodbye thing was 'Our son is a shit and we therefore doubt whether you'll ever want anything to do with us again'. Thing is I don't know your ILs so cannot judge whether that bit is accurate.

As for whether it's normal for blood to be thicker than water: it's not normal but it is common in my experience and it is often amazing how the guilty/wrongdoing party can manipulate events to suit themselves and present a better image.

HighHeelsandTequila · 10/10/2014 16:53

I'm sorry this has happened to you, and if it makes you feel less bewildered the same happened to me.

Myself and DH didn't have DCs together, but we lived with his kids and my kids and my kids called his parents Nanna and Grandpa and we went there for Sunday dinner for 6 years, spent Christmases together and were very close. I called his Mum if one of the kids was ill for advice and we hugged and were very affectionate and I was very close to all his brothers and sisters too.

When DH left me for an OW with about 24 hours notice, I got an email 3 - 4 days later from his Mother wishing me all the best. She unfriended me on facebook a few days later, as did his sisters, both of which had been bridesmaids at my wedding.

In a sense, that was one of the worst parts of the betrayal -being cut off by his family who I loved and felt loved me and DCs.

They always seemed like lovely people and sent us lovely anniversary cards saying they were so glad he had finally found happiness in life etc.

All I can think is that he told them lies. Either that or they were just wankers.

I can say it hurt me very deeply and now even a year later I have tears dripping down remembering how that felt.

Awful. Sorry OP. People are capable of being so hideous sometimes.

Hissy · 10/10/2014 17:00

I think you should definitely send your response. it's perfect and a lot more restrained than I would have sent.

socially · 10/10/2014 17:02

Bio I remember your previous threads. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Similar happened to me. ILs and I limped along for a few months but eventually it became all too much and I asked them for a bit of space. They went mental and I haven't had anything to do with them since.

I don't know if your ILs are British but we also have a language barrier and honestly it's just a minefield.

We seemed to go in stages

MIL v upset and appalled at her son
MIL desperate to minimise (asking me if I could just overlook the affair)
MIL beginning to believe exh's shit and trying to "get me to come round". This was the worst and caused a couple of arguments, as MIL would open her mouth and Exh would come out....
MIL fully into exh's revised version of events and refusing to have anything to do with me.

Because of the language barrier I've never felt able to counter any of this.

I cannot see how anyone keeps a close relationship with in laws tbh (although I know they do). I needed to know they supported me and part of this was acknowledging what exH had done. They just couldn't do this and needed to preserve their relationship with him at all costs, which included believing every lie he told them.

Sorry I don't have any advice except to remain cordial and accept you may need to manage without them.

LoonvanBoon · 10/10/2014 17:16

That's a really chilling email, with its incongruously bright & breezy tone. Not surprised you're so upset & feel let down, OP. I do think augusta's reply is a good one & might be worth sending.

to you too, highheels. It doesn't seem normal to me that people find it so easy to cut out those who've been such a big part of their lives, given a previous good relationship. I hate the "blood is thicker than water" school of thought anyway, but the OP's children are her in-laws' blood relations, & it sounds like they're reconciled to having little to do with them as well as OP.

nauticant · 10/10/2014 17:36

I'm not at all sure the IL's email is a dismissal of you. It's actually rather unclear and can be read as the ILs wanting to avoid being drawn into the break-up for the moment with "who knows" for the future.

In your shoes OP I'd definitely write for clarification and your proposed response looks fine. Then, if you get confirmation that you are being dismissed, fuck 'em.

CeliaFate · 10/10/2014 17:40

Gosh, that email is how I'd say goodbye to my neighbours if we were moving. It translates as "nice knowing you, bye then!"

If they've never been hands on I guess they're not going to start now, but quite cold and heartless of them to not say they will still contact you and want to see the grandchildren.
I'd send your email, you have nothing to lose.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/10/2014 18:11

OP can i just say hello. I am so sorry your I's are twsting the knife like this. They sound as cruel and cold and vile as your "D"H

Can I also offer a small bit of solidarity as someone else who has been on the receiving end of a DP with a Russian OW. I could write a book on it. PM if you wish to. Otherwise I wish you every luck and strength xxx

oldgrandmama · 10/10/2014 18:22

OP, I really don't think it's a 'F Off' email. It strikes me, on the other hand, as a message from very embarrassed in-laws, an email they're probably spent some time composing - but obviously haven't struck the right tone.

To me, they haven't slammed the door on you and your children. Were I you, I'd reply thanking them for their message, saying you hope you'll be able to continue the warm (I know, I know!) relationship you've previously had with them. And - enquire if, when you return to the UK, they could give you a hand with temporary accommodation, just while you get sorted out? You never know, they may come up trumps.

Even if the practical help doesn't get offered, I still think they haven't written you and their grandkids off - but I do think that at present they're not quite sure how to proceed towards you, feeling somewhat humiliated at their son's behaviour.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 10/10/2014 18:56

I think Quint has it and I am very surprised they wrote to you like that, as I can't see how they'll see the children with out you, with your ex DH in Moscow ...

Lucylambkin · 10/10/2014 18:58

I think your reply is excellent.
Who knows what spin he's put on things.
Good luck

nomorecrumbs · 10/10/2014 19:09

Oh God. I could have written this about my ILs. They are terrible at expressing emotions and I can really imagine them writing an email like that in this situation, or just not bothering to write one at all!

I agree I think in their way they are trying to keep a door open. They are just being incredibly formal and ambiguous about it.

Your response is very appropriate and clear.

R4roger · 10/10/2014 19:44

I also think your reply is perfect.

FelixTitling · 10/10/2014 19:53

Your email is good. A dignified last word, and at least, if nothing comes of it, you can show your kids you tried. I think you should send it.

Meerka · 10/10/2014 19:54

Your reply is perfect yes.

I read it as mixed; they might silently be asking to keep contact with you and the children, or they might be saying 'we know he's been a shit but we have to stand by our son'.

You won't know til you send your reply.

I do know that many PIL would not even send that nice a note. and it is nice, if odd; lots of PILs just blame their son's wife. So, give it a chance.

carlywurly · 10/10/2014 19:58

The whole thing sucks. You sound lovely.

I was bloody lucky with my ex in laws that xmil had maintained a really close relationship with her own xmil and wanted to pay it forward with me. His whole family are fab.

I really hope it transpires that it's some kind of misunderstanding.

yetanotherchangename · 10/10/2014 20:08

Another vote for Augusta's email. I read it that they are trying to give support in a really cackhanded way. I would try to leave it open for them to be in touch when they want to see DCs.

I wouldn't expect any actual support from them though. They sound very stiff upper lip British and I think they might find it inappropriate for you to stay with them.

QuintessentiallyQS · 10/10/2014 20:11

They are after all pointing out that they will see their son with his new partner, in Moscow, so it is clear that they see you as a person in the past.

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