IL divorcing me too

[BioSuisse]

2 weeks and 4 days ago I discovered DH was having an affair and he left us. We told the DCs a week later. Yesterday i received an email signed from my MIL, FIL and SIL saying, in short, goodbye and goodluck. It wasn't a nasty email but it strongly stated that they didn't expect to see me again and thanked me for being a good DIL and good DM to their DGC.

I was not expecting this. In truth i was relying on them for some support, especially as STBXDH and i live abroad and i will have to move back to the UK with the DCS after Xmas because without DH we can't live here. I was hoping they would help me with the move back and that we could possibly stay with them for a while, they are wealthy with a very big house, lots of room, holiday cottage etc. I have always gotten along well with them and they knowledge that STBXDH cheated and was a shit DH. I don't feel like i am in the wrong and have always been a good DIL.

Is this normal in divorce cases? I am very upset.

I like the reply you have drafted

I think it's odd they've been so up front and matter of fact about it, but I don't think it's unusual for in laws not to stay in touch. My DP's ex's parents maintain no direct relationship with him and his parents don't with his ex. Neither set of grandparents stopped seeing their GC, they just do it through their own child. Although my DP was the wronged party in his case there was no way his ex's parents weren't going to fully support their child no matter what she'd done.

it is clear that they see you as a person in the past

I just don't know where you get that certainty from, especially since it's a brief written electronic communication. To my mind, whatever they're trying to say they're doing it in a cackhanded way (to borrow a phrase from a PP).

OP, you might get a knock back but if you're up for it I thinking getting some clarity is worthwhile.

It is a bit mean of them. But on the other hand you aren't their relative and if there is no love lost between you they probably feel it's better not to be in contact. Perhaps they even feel ashamed about their son's behaviour and assume you don't want contact. Or perhaps they don't want to to take responsiblity for providing you with a home. It could be all number of reasons.

Augusta's suggestion is good OP. Hope you get a reasonable response. Good luck. You sound great and are dealing with a horrible situation very well.

Your inlaws sound very detached, OP.
Did they send their DC to boarding school? Your MIL sounds such a cold fish, it wouldn't surprise me if they had.
I would work on the premise that they really don't want to be bothered and any help/contact from their side will be a bonus should it happen (which I seriously doubt, btw).

If it were mine, I'd be jumping for joy at that email!

I'm sorry Bio but I also read it as a very detached goodbye; as per your thread title really. You are a strong girl and I am sure you will cope well on your own. That's pretty clear in my view. Not too keen on the distinctly condescending tone of it all either. I also understood from their email that they were all but booked on a flight to Moscow to see their son and OW. Not rubbing your nose in anything at all, are they? Charming folk ...

It is a strange email, but I think your draft of a reply is spot on and would give you the answers about what to do moving forward with contact.

Are you sure e-mail is from them?

*1. MIL v upset and appalled at her son

1. MIL desperate to minimise (asking me if I could just overlook the affair)
2. MIL beginning to believe exh's shit and trying to "get me to come round". This was the worst and caused a couple of arguments, as MIL would open her mouth and Exh would come out....
3. MIL fully into exh's revised version of events and refusing to have anything to do with me.*

I'd say this is pretty accurate in a lot of situations.

My stbx is living with MIL, so I am well aware that it puts her in a very uncomfortable position. He is her only living child, he is intimidating, and she is quite elderly and has memory lapses. So I am prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt, as I know she is struggling with all this. I think at the moment she is more in line with his feelings, as he emotionally manipulated attempted suicide this summer and she is terrified that she might lose her only other child, after her dd died this spring unexpectedly. I feel nothing but sympathy for her at the moment. I'd say she's wavering between 1 and 2, with an occasional foray into 3 when her memory is playing up.

As far as stbx's general family, his adult son blames it all on me, even though stbx was abusive (which is why we separated). I did defriend him and DIL on FB, but only because I felt that it would make things uncomfortable. I sent a message to DIL saying that I didn't want to put them in an awkward position and that I would like to continue to send cards and presents to DGS, however, she completely blanked me. They apparently believe his lies, so that's that. I feel badly that I cannot have any type of relationship with a child that was my grandchild for 7 years (since birth), but obviously I cannot force it, so I had to let it go. These things get so complicated. I don't really have contact with ANY of his family, as he has gone out of his way to cause problems. He even attempted to submarine the relationship with MIL by saying that his new fiance (the OW) couldn't have a relationship with MIL when I was "in the way" by taking the dcs to see MIL. MIL thought he'd lost his marbles. (she's not far wrong on that point IMO)

Anyway, sorry, my long winded way of saying that no matter what your relationship has been with his family thus far, this will all change now. It will most likely be uncomfortable until it finds some level that you're both happy with, if you ever do. And please do not afford them the same level of trust that you possibly used to.. do not tell them ANYTHING that you are not happy for them to pass along (accidentally or otherwise) to your ex, otherwise things will get very uncomfortable indeed.