I have changed, I love you, will do anything to keep us together!!

[Funnyfishface]

Married 25 years. 2 grown up DS. Couples counselling 16 months.
Dh is controlling, EA, VA etc.
4 weeks ago I told him that I couldn't go on like this anymore. I care for him but I'm falling out of love with him.
He is in complete denial. And for the last 4 weeks I have the 'changed man', he says he loves me. He has seen the error of his ways and will do anything to keep us together.
Of course we have been here hundreds of times and each time I get reeked back in.
How do I know for sure that THIS time could be different.

I have seen a solicitor, I have spoken to DS and my family. Lots of RL support. No financial worries.
It's just that dilemma - what If this time he means it. My head is saying there is no way he can keep this going. But I'm surprised it's lasted 4 weeks.

Any advice welcome.

There is a tipping point. You won't know when it will come. I remember some key moments, such as walking up to my front door and seeing him in the front room and knowing that I did not want to be coming home to him any longer.

Repeat to yourself what you have just told us - "I don't want this life any more."

your diving board imagery is powerful. think of the water beneath you as clear, clean, safe and deep enough for you to dive into head first knowing that you're jumping from a sad, angry place into one thats refreshing, weightless and all yours.

My imagery was of me standing on a beach with a massive tidal wave approaching me. all I had to cling to was one single truth that was similar to your "I don't want this life anymore" that truth for me was like a mast/flagpole and it was the only thing that could save me.

the wave approached, broke over me, and then I was out of the otherside. that truth didn't let me down, it was the single point that enabled me to be free.

you can do this. consider the alternative... the rest of your life with a man like this. nothing's worse than that!

be strong, be brave, and do what you know you have to do.

everything will be ok.

Thank you postmanpat and hissy - and well done to both of you for making it out the other side.

18 months ago I was so struck down with anxiety that I struggled to leave the house. Honestly I felt that I was in such a hopeless place I really didn't think I would ever recover.
Having faced that I realise just how far I have come. I am so much stronger than I thought.
I am very lucky that I have a huge support group of fabulous friends and family.
My oh does not have that same support. He doesn't have friends. And he isn't particularly close to his family.
I suppose I have always felt sorry for him in that respect. Saying that he could change it. He just doesn't want to.

I think we have such different values. My family and friends mean everything to me. And I put lots of effort into them.

Can definitely see clear calm waters hissy x

The tipping point for me was when I felt able to focus on what I DID want rather than always think about what I didn't want.

I read a study that says the human can't recognise the word don't so if we concentrate on saying to ourselves "I don't want......." our brain hears "I don't want..." and we can end up with the opposite of our desires.

. I want life where I am not treading eggshells every day.
. I want to go out with my friends without the anxiety about how someone else will react.
. I want to be able to sit in my own living room and eat a bag of crisps without it being viewed as a huge act of disrespect

You get the picture?

He has agreed to move out. We have a flat that is rented and he has given the tenant notice so he can move there. ( 2 months notice).
He has had an assessment to get on a course for DV. And is waiting to hear if he is accepted.
He is still making loads of effort. However I have told him that I don't feel the same.
Obviously I still care, and I care about what happens to him. But I can't even describe my feelings. I feel flat.
I know I'm still in limbo.
I'm still waiting for his mask to slip. I don't recognise this version of my husband I am sharing a home with. In 25 years I have never seen this side of him. This I can't do enough for you.
I'm used to.... I've made you 2 cups of tea already this morning for fucks sake.