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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have changed, I love you, will do anything to keep us together!!

155 replies

Funnyfishface · 09/10/2014 07:59

Married 25 years. 2 grown up DS. Couples counselling 16 months.
Dh is controlling, EA, VA etc.
4 weeks ago I told him that I couldn't go on like this anymore. I care for him but I'm falling out of love with him.
He is in complete denial. And for the last 4 weeks I have the 'changed man', he says he loves me. He has seen the error of his ways and will do anything to keep us together.
Of course we have been here hundreds of times and each time I get reeked back in.
How do I know for sure that THIS time could be different.

I have seen a solicitor, I have spoken to DS and my family. Lots of RL support. No financial worries.
It's just that dilemma - what If this time he means it. My head is saying there is no way he can keep this going. But I'm surprised it's lasted 4 weeks.

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/10/2014 09:53

You get the strength after you've left. While you are still with an abusive man you will not feel strong.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/10/2014 10:02

You'll be astonished at how much strength you have been exerting trying to hold things together for all these years; and yes, it does feel strange when you stop, like beating your head against a brick wall. The wall isn't going to change, you're just going to keep on hurting your head because it's what you're used to.

AnyFucker · 12/10/2014 18:18

Look love. There is, unfortunately, only you that can change this situation

Do it now, or waste another few decades on this arsehole

all the support on here is great, but we cannot do it for you

you have to do it for yourself

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 12/10/2014 19:59

Thank you for your support. Please continue to hold my hand. I will need all the support you can offer me over the coming weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
Funnyfishface · 12/10/2014 23:08

I am emotionally drained. I have got so upset tonight.

He is adamant he has changed. He owes it to me to be a better husband. He says he will get help for his jealousy and temper. He reckons it's to do with drinking which he says he has now stopped.

I have no faith in him.

Then this.... I had really bad anxiety for 3 years. It massively affected our social lives. And for a year I couldn't fly so no holidays abroad. The last year I have gone back to work and am 85% recovered although still on anti dep.
So he has said ... I had to put up with that for three years and I stuck around.

Wow. I am so hurt. I was mentally ill. It wasn't a choice. It was hell

OP posts:
BIWI · 12/10/2014 23:14

He is telling you, very clearly, that he is a twat. You have no reason to stick around for him.

Lweji · 12/10/2014 23:16

And there is the possibility that he played at least a major role in the anxiety.

What he is really saying is that you owe it to him to stay because he has sacrificed so much for you and he's doing so much to retain you now.
It may just be too little too late. Some things we just can't get past.

cozietoesie · 12/10/2014 23:16

He's trying to play you like a fish on a line.

Can I remind you of:

So in the last month I reckon we have had at least 3 episodes where he has lost his temper, punched a wall or door and called me names. Fucking idiot, stupid, lazy......

He senses that you're escaping his control so he's giving the 'pity and obligation' route a try.

Tell me, in the recent past when you heard his key in the front door of a night (or the equivalent) did you grin to yourself - or start shaking? If you throw yourself back into the relationship, it will likely be back to how it was within a few days.

whitsernam · 12/10/2014 23:35

I haven't commented on your thread, but have read all of it. I think a really good instant response to his comment "I had to put up with that for three years and I stuck around" could be: all the more reason to split, dear.

He's actually making it pretty easy for you to just shut him out, isn't he?

Pumpkinification · 12/10/2014 23:39

Ask yourself, do you know what caused the anxiety? Was it him? Could he have helped you get better & if so, did he? Or did he just blame you & make you feel inadequate & like it was your fault.

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 12/10/2014 23:54

I had private one to one counselling at the height of the anxiety - the counsellor thought he was a major factor.

Cozie - that post was written in May 2013 - I copied that section to remind myself what I was going through 17 months ago.

I know that I am trying to justify my reasons for wanting to leave him. I'm scared. What if it's not the right thing.
I say we should put the house on the market. Then I get stuck for words and can't say anymore. Tonight I just ended in tears

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2014 00:07

Tell him that you don't have to live in the same house for him to prove to you how much he has changed. Tell him that you want to separate 'for now' and that if he truly loves and wants you he will do it because that is what you need him to do until you feel 'safe' with him. If he is so sure that your marriage should be saved, he can prove it to you by leaving until such time that he has convinced you by his behaviour that he has truly changed.

Of course it's utter bollocks. You just need him gone and he'll never change so you can just say whatever you need to in order to get him out of the house.

Madamecastafiore · 13/10/2014 00:13

The fact that he did it in the first place is enough. There should have been no need to change.

Go out and get someone who adores you, have fun, be frivolous.

Do you want to waste another 25 years on this twunt, wondering when he is going to revert back to his true nature.

Bogeyface · 13/10/2014 01:51

If you are not planning on staying in the house I would suggest you make plans and leave. Find yourself somewhere nice with enough room for the DSs to stay and make it home. Then deal with "We need to sell the house" via a solicitor.

You dont have children you need to arrange access/child support for so you can walk away and never see or speak to him again.

LoveBeingGetAGrip · 13/10/2014 02:07

You need some space from him, one of you has to leave the hpuse

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/10/2014 07:28

I agree with Bogeyface. If you're struggling to follow through and if he's not taking you seriously then you should put this in the hands of a solicitor and take it from there. However, you must put your safety first if you do this and that probably means getting yourself and any DCs away.

Meerka · 13/10/2014 07:44

Yeah, see a solicitor.

And keep going. it's the right thing to do, for you. It's the good thing to do. We're here to support you.

I hope you slept a bit last night.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/10/2014 07:48

I bet the DSs will applaud you when you do, and may even ask what took you so long.

My situation was different because XH was always hands-on and affectionate with the DC, and did none of the wall-punching or name-calling, so they found us splitting hard to get their heads round; but even they realised in a very short while that we were better off apart (and, though they love their dad, that they were better off with me!).

Actually I did a bit of furniture-hitting and shouting towards the end Blush ... that's why I went on the anti-Ds.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 13/10/2014 08:34

Is it you Anyfucker who talks about the 'sunk-cost' doodah?

Don't waste another 25 years on someone who chooses to treat you like shit.

I was emotionally abused by an ex-boyfriend. He acted as though he despised me - until I dumped him. Then he proposed!

I said if I don't want to go out with you, why the hell would I want to marry you?!

They do anything in last ditch attempt.

He is now married to a friends sister and is still a controlling prick almost 15 years later. Lucky escape for me!

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 13/10/2014 23:35

So I agreed to go to couples counselling with him this evening. The final one after 18 months of weekly sessions.
Before we went he asked me outright if I had seen a solicitor. I told him the truth that yes I had.
The counsellor advised that as it Is a DV relationship he should get group therapy for anger management, DV and jealousy. He apparently has made the phone call and registered for a 6 month weekly course.
He cried at the counselling session and said he would do anything to stay together.
The counsellor advised that we should either stay in family home with clear boundaries or pref separate whilst he gets the help he needs.
I feel a little lighter as I feel that she really tried to help me.

I couldn't face any more discussions tonight.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2014 00:15

Funny that must have been hard, but also freeing as the counsellor also validated your feelings.

I agree with her suggestion of separation whilst he gets help. It will then be your decision as to whether or not to take him back into your home. IMO living in the same house with an abuser, even with 'boundaries', more often than not just doesn't work. He won't change overnight, if at all, and he won't be able to respect 'boundaries', nor will you be able to relax with him there. It is, of course, your decision.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/10/2014 06:46

OP you are still being manipulated. He is using the group therapy to kick the can six months down the road.... buying himself time during which he thinks he can talk you round.

Please, please, please separate. There is no reasonable way you can stay in the same home and set 'boundaries' with someone who is aggressive, unstable, and has shown no respect for your boundaries for the whole of your lives together. He cannot be trusted. It is not a realistic proposition.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/10/2014 06:52

Couples counselling should never have happened at all, it is never recommended where the other person is abusive.

Do not get bogged down further in the sunken costs fallacy which can cause you to make poor relationship decisions; you forget here that the damage has already been done.

A six month weekly course will also achieve nothing apart from making him even more devious in abusing you. Crying on his part too is manipulative; he's managed to wind these people around his little finger.

Continue seeing the Solicitor and push forward with your plans to leave your abuser H.

The only sensible thing the counsellor has stated here is that you should both separate. The rest of what has been said by this person is complete nonsense. He does not have an anger management problem end of and abuse is not the result of misunderstandings or a lack of communication. Your H will never be at all a better person because he at heart feels he has done nothing at all wrong with regards to you. He has done this also because he can. Your H has enjoyed the power and control he has over you so he will do and say anything to keep you within his grip.

BTW what did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?. Did you grow up within a similar environment?. You've lived under so many years of his control, you cannot afford to waste any more of your life living under his control.

Romeyroo · 14/10/2014 07:21

funnyfishface, I am aware of your back story from the EA threads, though I have since name-changed.

I need to get ready for work, so will keep it short.

Please keep your resolve and leave. The main thing is to get physical space so you are not subject to control and manipulation. As others say, you can then deal with him through a solicitor.

Leaving and dealing with the subsequent fall out was one of the hardest, but most necessary, things I have ever done and my relationship was seven years, not 23. It left me with anxiety and panic attacks and made me ill. Eighteen months on, things have calmed down and I am getting Mr Nice at handovers. But the manipulations still come via DCs.

Please take all the RL support you have. I am glad you have a job and the anxiety is improving. But you need to take the final step and leave, so you can thrive in an emotional healthy environment. It takes a long, long time to get the control out of your head, but much shorter to realise you can at least breathe freely again. The world is a wonderful and exciting place, there is so much out there waiting for you, honestly.

adorably2014 · 14/10/2014 13:33

Hi funnyfishface

The title of your thread caught my eye as I am currently trying to see how to get out of 10 year marriage with a man who basically wants me to be available for sex whenever he wants and has done some horrible things in the last year or so. Things that have made me gradually realise that I will go insane if I stay. My H knows nothing yet of my decision but I could very well imagine him say the words in your thread title to try and convince me to stay when I finally muster up the courage to tell him.

One of the reasons why I am frightened to go is my small children. Yours are grown up and I am sure will understand why you leave. You also have a job.

I haven't read all of your thread or threads but one thing that strikes me is the talking. Do you not think it might be easier not to talk to him? And quietly prepare an exit? Do you gain anything by talking to him? Does he insist you talk? Is there any way you can get out without justifying or talking about anything? It must be very draining for you. I am telling my H nothing because if I did there would be lots of talking I am sure and I would not really be able to deal with it without real life support. Not sure if that helps but that would be my take on the situation you describe.
All best wishes