I have changed, I love you, will do anything to keep us together!!

[Funnyfishface]

Married 25 years. 2 grown up DS. Couples counselling 16 months.
Dh is controlling, EA, VA etc.
4 weeks ago I told him that I couldn't go on like this anymore. I care for him but I'm falling out of love with him.
He is in complete denial. And for the last 4 weeks I have the 'changed man', he says he loves me. He has seen the error of his ways and will do anything to keep us together.
Of course we have been here hundreds of times and each time I get reeked back in.
How do I know for sure that THIS time could be different.

I have seen a solicitor, I have spoken to DS and my family. Lots of RL support. No financial worries.
It's just that dilemma - what If this time he means it. My head is saying there is no way he can keep this going. But I'm surprised it's lasted 4 weeks.

Any advice welcome.

Yougotafriend - I have read your whole thread. You have done amazingly well.

I am also feeling strong.

hissy ... am so glad you're free now. That you found the strength to free yourself.

funny, keep on being strong. it's gotta be so hard after 25 years but what everyone is saying is true, he's playing the script. Maybe he is hurting too, actually. But he's killed the chance of growth in your relationship and he cannot change in just a month. It's just not possible to change the decades of habits so fast, it takes years. He won't even realise what he's doing, often.

Am still feeling strong. No upsets this week. We have agreed to get the house ready to be put on the market.
Still haven't made a decision as to whether to stay in family home (in sep rooms of course) or for him to go.
He is still bombarding me with ' I've changed. I love you, I will do anything.
He has been for one therapy session - Harley street!! Most expensive has to be the best !!!!!
He has been reading leaflets on DV.
He is showing me that he has tried calling respect to get on a weekly course as relate suggested. Not got that in place yet though.

His jealousy is off the scale at the moment tho.
He reckons he has stopped drinking.

I DO know that these are all tactics to win me over.

I'm having a bit if a tough time at work this week also. A female work colleague shouted and told me off yesterday. I am 47 years old Ffs. It made me so cross. How dare she speak to me like that. I hate confrontation but I WILL stick up for myself.

I'm glad it's the weekend. Going to catch up with my girlfriends

Have a lovely time with your girlfriends. Let what he says roll off your back like water off a duck's. All sound and fury signifying nothing. Good for him for all his 'hard work' this WEEK (sarcasm). You've had 'hard work' for the last 25 YEARS!

I'd tell him to go. You need and deserve peace right now, not some months from now when the house sells. Once the home is sold you'll hopefully have the funds to buy a little place of your own.

I'd tell him to go too. I know from my experience while we are under the same roof (separate rooms) he's convinced himself he can still change my mind.

Stay strong, don't let a good week lull you.

Jealousy off the scale..... means what exactly?

The clue to his real feelings is his jealousy. He probably thinks it's romantic and it's ok, but it's still controlling.

I agree with yougotafriend, he probably still thinks he has a chance if he's there. And he may be right.

Just tell him to go. He can do his therapy and DV course from a separate house. Get some physical boundaries in place. Why would you still want this man in your life? As you say, you are 47, you know you are not a drippy teenager who believes that 'love' will conquer all, and surely not that anything you have described is actually 'love', rather than the last minute actions of a man who sees you slipping from his control.

Have a nice time with your friends.

Cogito - jealousy - I just know him... He doesn't ask a direct question, it's a series of questions around the houses to find out what he wants to know. And that is constant.
Texts, phone calls etc
I have told him to back off. I have told him it's suffocating. I have told him I don't believe he can possibly change after 1 session with a therapist.

He has convinced himself that for the last few months (yes months??) he has lost his way. But as he stuck by me when I had anxiety really bad it's my turn to stand by him.

I do not feel pressured, I'm stronger than that. I feel ok. I'm not upset at all. In fact I've got a bit angry. If that makes sense.

Reflecting on this, I don't think he needs to attend a course on domestic abuse, he is already very good at it, he will just learn how to be more subtle and do it better.

But you do need a course on domestic abuse, because this screams coercive control all over it. Have you done the Freedom programme, because you really ought to consider it

I have no wish to sound harsh, but if you don't take some concrete steps to get rid of this bully, you will still be posting the same kind of this next year and the year after that and the year after that...

You don't owe this man anything. Your anxiety must have been in good part due to your abusive marriage. His need for therapy is entirely self-inflicted. There is no parallel.

funnyfishface please stay strong. I had the same script in so many ways...I think we should renew our vows, I love you and I always will (hope he tells his present DP he told me that!) and the sudden 'dad of the year' thing after ten years of virtually ignoring the DC. It's all an act and a way of getting what he wants and it's NOT about you and what's right for you.

Enjoy your weekend without him and plan your future. You can be free. It doesn't matter whether it's what he wants or not, not even a little bit.

don't reply to the texts, ignore the phonecalls unless you need something FROM HIM.

whenever you have whatever that is do the 'oh thanks for that, BYE!' and hang up. every. time.

if he challenges you, remind him that you don't have to check in with him, answer to him or report back. in short you are an equal, not a subordinate.

draw the line, remind him that you're separating and refuse to be bossed about by him, or anyone else.

also, while you are without him this weekend focus on that relaxed feeling you have, at not being fearful of what he'd think about x, y or z.

that's what life's supposed to be like! you won't ever get that tranquil, blameless exisitance while you're with him.

The leaflets might as well be about fly fishing. If he is still behaving in a jealous manner despite facing the real prospect of losing you, that tells you everything you need to know.

It's great that you're feeling strong, as pp said, please channel that strength into taking steps to actually separate or else your life is going to stay exactly the same, with him controlling it as he always has. His actions are what count, and so are yours.

Use your anger to get rid of him.

Do you hold any hope of any change? Why put up with him, then?

Well, bully for him sticking by you when you had anxiety. But (rhetorical question) how much of your anxiety was actually down to him? And (rhetorical, again) did your anxiety cause you to bully and abuse him? I daresay not!

You don't 'stand by' your abuser! That's how people end up dead. You remove yourself from the danger and if you want to 'help them' you do it from afar.

He's used you as a focus for his anger for 25 years and you've always been there to take it. Now you are standing up and saying 'no more, I'm outta here!'. No wonder he's worried! He knows no one else will put up with his shit! He knows now that he's going to die alone, a bitter old man, because of the way he's treated you (and probably others, too). I'd be frightened at that thought, too!

In fact, I very much doubt he stood by you during your anxiety.
I bet he actually liked it, as you'd be more dependent on him.

"Stand by him" - why? what for? He thinks he's "lost his way" over the last few months? what about the previous 25 years then? Was that "his way"? Because he could have done with losing that, quite frankly!

He's talking shit. It's all "poor ME, woe is ME, how could you do this to ME" - nothing that actually relates to you or your feelings in any way.

I'd get him out asap as well, if you can.

Stay strong. :)

Good stay strong, he's trying to guilt you.

I'm still stood on the edge of the diving board scared to jump.

Still living in the same house. He still reckons he has changed. He has had an assessment for the Respect programme.
Today flowers arrived at work. No name on them. I know it was another mind game. He pretended they weren't from him.

It doesn't matter now whether he changes or not. I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm not devastated. I was devastated 10 years ago when I found out he had been texting my friend and arranging to meet up with her.
I forgave him then.
And I have forgiven him hundreds of things since.
But I've changed.

I just need to jump. It's time

Stay strong.

You have reached an important stage, but it may still take a long time for you to take that step.
What do you think will push you to take it?

Oh funny what an arse he is, we all know that he'd be kicking off big style if he thought someone else was paying you attention.... Why lie about the flowers.... Mind games indeed.

You will jump into the water very soon I think

FFF you can do this, face it, you're fed up with the situation. Going on with the pool analogy-- you cannot jump without getting yourself to the edge of that board so you're right where you need to be

PS I too am tottering on the brink

Thank you for your support.

Lweji - what do you think will push you to take it?
I thought I was waiting for his mask to slip. But actually it doesn't matter whether it does or not. I know I just don't want this life anymore.
I keep having the conversation in my head and I get so anxious I get scared.

I am thinking I will ask both sons to be there to support us both.