I have changed, I love you, will do anything to keep us together!!

[Funnyfishface]

Married 25 years. 2 grown up DS. Couples counselling 16 months.
Dh is controlling, EA, VA etc.
4 weeks ago I told him that I couldn't go on like this anymore. I care for him but I'm falling out of love with him.
He is in complete denial. And for the last 4 weeks I have the 'changed man', he says he loves me. He has seen the error of his ways and will do anything to keep us together.
Of course we have been here hundreds of times and each time I get reeked back in.
How do I know for sure that THIS time could be different.

I have seen a solicitor, I have spoken to DS and my family. Lots of RL support. No financial worries.
It's just that dilemma - what If this time he means it. My head is saying there is no way he can keep this going. But I'm surprised it's lasted 4 weeks.

Any advice welcome.

He said to me tonight that he was thinking of us renewing our wedding vows.

That and being suddenly best buddies with the DCs, his mind must be racing to come up with new ploys. What next I wonder?

You saying that you want to seperate is the ultimate loss of control.

He will say anything if he thinks it gives him the control back.

Promises to change to reel you back in and now making plans, telling you what is going to happen?

It's all about him being in charge and not you.

The classic 'renewing our vows' tactic. Only ever employed by people desperately trying to prove they still love each other when in fact they know the house of cards is falling down.

Oh how exciting - now he's trying to rope your DSs into the control game on his side - lovely! I'm sure they'd be thrilled to realise they've just become pawns in his game.

Please don't let them get sucked in either - that would be atrocious - just do what you have to do to keep the peace, be non-committal, agree with whatever he suggests in terms of him changing - and in the background, gather your resources, your paperwork and your legal back up and then divorce the arse off him!

So apparently he had a telephone app this afternoon in respect of his anger management. Which he says is the first step.

He says he feels vulnerable. His jealousy is rearing its head again. He overheard me talking on the phone about me going out in my work lunch break. He got very upset and asked me who I had met etc.

He says -It's because he loves me and fancies me. He realises that he has been trying to change me when actually it's him that needs to change.

I don't get it. We have been together for 25 years - why has he suddenly decided he is the person I have been asking him to be now??

It's frustrating.

BEcause you look like you might be slipping the leash now - after this long - so he's tightening it again by pretending to have "oh suddenly realised" his behaviour has been shit fo twenty plus years.

Come on, Funny - he's not realising anything except that you might actually escape.

He hasn't.

You are leaving.

He is losing control.

He is bullshitting you in the hope you will stay.

It is entirely your choice what to do, nobody here can tell you.

But if you choose to believe him, please, please, ensure that you have the ability to leave if and when he reverts to type.

If you leave and he genuinely has changed then he will understand why and respect that, not use it as a way to make you stay. He is still not listening to you or respecting your decision. He's just trying different tactics to control you and make you stay against your will

He'll press all the buttons that worked in the past, one after another, until he finds one that works. This one is using hope - the hope so often dashed in the past, that he would finally "get it" and stop behaving like an arse. You sort of feel you have to give him a chance to prove it... then before you know it you're back to Square One, wondering where another year went.

I take a really dim view of people who try to blame their rotten behaviour on their victim. It's not your fault if he's jealous, possessive, insecure or inadequate but that's exactly how he's framing it. Even if he says he knows it's wrong, you're right back where you started. Making an appointment isn't a first step. It's an easy way to give the illusion of change.

I don't get it. We have been together for 25 years - why has he suddenly decided he is the person I have been asking him to be now??

PLEASE read 'the hoover manoeuvre' link, 5 posts down, on page 1. It explains it brilliantly.

Wow - I have read the Hoover Manoeuvre link - it does explain it brilliantly.

Although it's hard enough accepting that he is abusive. And he is very convincing :-(

Please continue to offer your support - it means a lot

You have my support OP, to stay firm and leave this abuser.
You've given him 25 years, please don't give him any more. You must know by now that he cannot change. He is just too set in his ways.

I'm struggling today.

He is now moping around the house. Feeling sorry for himself. I feel sick.
I just can't say the words. I'm scared it's not the right thing.
Anxiety is starting up

It is the right thing. He might be a bit shocked but he's had all these many, many years to not be a jerk.

remember how you felt for years.

People who are on the receiving end of emotional abuse end up not being able to see the wood for the trees, especially when the abusive person starts promising to change/ temporarily behaving differently.

if he really means what he says, if he really loves you, then he will move out and give you time to clear your head.

Look, you're a decent person so of course you don't want to make someone else miserable, least of all the person you've shared your life with for so many years. But um... how come he's spent a quarter of a century not caring about making you miserable? How come his feelings are so much more valid than yours? Answer: they aren't, but you've spent the last 25 years being bullied and persuaded into believing they were.

I was directed to MN by a friend about 7 years ago, when I was in about the same emotional stage that you are: feeling I had to get out, but worried and guilty. I had decided to do it, mind you, but was still beating myself up about it. I began to read some threads, and a series of lightbulbs exploded above my head as so many other women reported their partners behaving exactly like mine, saying the very same sentences; it was spooky! Bit depressing as well, mind you, realising that rather than a unique relationship between two individuals, our marriage read like a chapter out of the Abuser's Handbook. I got quite angry then, as I felt I had been played for a fool and my better nature had been used as a tool to keep me subjugated. It was wrong, and I was damned if I'd stand for any more of it. That is the next phase and I wish you a quick transition to it, as it's a lot less agonising than the guilty one.

You need to tell him to step out. While he's got your attention he's pulling every manipulative rabbit out of the hat he can. Whether it's intimidation, guilt-tripping, big gesture promises or whatever, he'll keep trying different ones until you cave..... if he gets the opportunity.

Please deny him the opportunity by putting some distance between you.

Thank you - you are right.

It's just how do you say - you have to move out? Or one of us does? I try to say it and I end up tied in knots.

I agree that I would be better with some distance between us. I just don't know how to go about it.
I work 2 minutes walk from our home.

If he liked you, let alone loved you, he wouldn't have abused you for years on end. I know its said that people change but I actually don't believe adults can change that much. Why did it take you leaving him, for him to "change?". Selfish and offensive, Id stay away from him. He just wants convenience. Again - if he cared for you, the abuse wouldnt have happened in the 1st place, and been ongoing for so very long. Build a better life without his noise in it. Good luck

.......He is now moping around the house. Feeling sorry for himself.......

It's still all about him, eh?

Did you get tea/breakfast in bed this morning by any chance?

The only way to move things forward is to have the courage of your convictions, ignore what he's saying and doing, and tell him confidently that he has to go. If you don't do it confidently, if you appear to be in two minds, he will exploit your uncertainty.

Having said that, you don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. You're getting a lot of encouragement here because I and others have been where you are, know how stressful it is, and want to cheer you over the finishing line. But we also know how hard it is to make that break and that it often takes several attempts. It's your life, you're in control, so please go at your own speed. No one will think badly of you

Hope you're OK

Are you in your own bedroom? If not move into one.

TBH I would just get on and serve him with the divorce petition. You can ask him to move out but he's not under any obligation to do so.

Any nastiness from his, call the police and ask him to be removed because you've been threatened. You could then get an emergency non-molestation order. Please be aware his abusiveness towards you will ramp up once it's clear that you mean it.

you being happy/strong etc makes him UNHAPPY

got that? he senses you getting free of his chains and is panicking to get you back within his clutches.

I know this is the most fearful thing on earth, when my abusive ex left I felt real physical pain (that pain in the throat you get when you're trying not to cry) is was excruciating.

you know he has to go, you know this.

please just dig deep, and stick to the simplest forms of expression that it's not working, that you want him to leave and that you will be divorcing him. repeat and repeat.

he'll get angry btw, he'll cycle between all kinds of 'emotions' trying to find the one you fall for. remember that he's not controlling from a perspective of power, it's due to his massive inferiority complex.

oh, and anger management is utterly laughable. he has no problem managing his anger - not against his peers, his boss, neighbours, general public. it's you he resents/loathes and wants to destroy. because then he'll have 'won' and become more likeable/kind/popular/intelligent than you.

this is a war. he'll take you down anytime he can,

because it makes him happy to do so. makes him feel more powerful.

you've lost 25 years not being happy, time to get away from him and learning to live!

he won't change, not ever. please see this charade for what it is?

people change.

abusers don't.

abusers aren't 'people' they don't deserve that honour.

abusers kill 2 women a week and 1 man a month in the uk.

the damage they do to the rest of us is not repairable without therapy. someone who does that to another human being rather than leave them alone in the first place is not 'people'

Hi
Yes I'm in my own bedroom and have been for a year.
Yes to the tea this morning

A post I found that I made May 2013 copied here

My situation is very much like yours except my youngest son is 18. I gave my h an ultimatum a month ago. Things had to change by the end of August or we separate. He actually agreed to this. So in the last month I reckon we have had at least 3 episodes where he has lost his temper, punched a wall or door and called me names. Fucking idiot, stupid, lazy......The rest of the time he has been ok.
We have been together 22 years.
I don't go out to work but do work from home although the money isn't regular. We don't have joint accounts.
I am also scared to leave the security of house, finances, etc.

I don't know how we find the strength to actually leave.