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Original poster

Jealous of child??

124 replies

Chaos57 · 06/10/2014 21:53

Hi, I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 2 years. We both have 2 kids - same ages and have had a very good close relationship.
This year I noticed that my GF seemed to have issues with my 7 year old daughter saying she ruined holidays, made everything stressful and was spoilt. I admit my daughter IS spoiled and in particular with my attention - she looks for it all the time. My son is more laid back about it all and less demanding. I know both my kids - in particular my daughter - took their mum leaving hard so perhaps I have overcompensated for that.

However of late my GF has now said that she gets stressed when my daughter is around, that her behaviour is awful, that she is the cause of 75% of the arguments we have. Naturally I defend my daughter, while acknowledging she IS challenging at times. There seems a real issue around this and I'm starting to see my GF as controlling for various reasons - in addition, more than once she has said 'its a choice between me and your (precious) daughter and that I need to make her (my GF) my priority. I accept my daughter can be challenging and can cause fireworks, but she is also very sweet and giving. Thoughts please?

OP posts:

pushtheskyaway · 06/10/2014 22:04

She wants you to make her a priority over your daughter?

My thought is "get rid" quite honestly. No decent person demands to be put before their partners child. It is immature, selfish, and I frankly wouldn't want a person like that in my life.

I'm sorry OP, but her attitude stinks!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/10/2014 22:08

If you're raising a bratty kid, that's entirely your call. However, others are not going to feel as warm and fuzzy about spending time with them as you do.... and calling someone controlling or jealous for wanting better behaviour out of a child won't change that.

SetTheWorldOnFire · 06/10/2014 22:11

If anyone made me choose between them and my DC, I'd instantly be choosing my DC. No normal person would ever make a parent choose between them and their 7yo.

Anotherchapter · 06/10/2014 22:12

The first time she asked you to choose you should of shown her the door. She doesn't seem mature enough to be in your family dynamics.

Also Google guilty parenting. It won't do you or your ds any good.

Fairenuff · 06/10/2014 22:14

She should not ask you to chose between them, or even expect you to chose her. But what she is telling you is that she has had enough of your dd's behaviour and that it is affecting your adult relationship.

You really need to put some boundaries in place and teach your dd to respect them.

Chaos58 · 06/10/2014 22:20

CogitoErgoSometimes - I accept my daughter is spoiled in a lot of ways, partly my fault and partly her own mum's. I am working with her to teach her better behaviour, to not be so needy for me etc. I only asked on thoughts and I appreciate your opinion, I don't think my DC is an angel, she IS a challenge, but sometimes she feels on the outside from the other kids.

Cricrichan · 06/10/2014 22:22

Without knowing you it's impossible to know whether your gf is justified in her feelings.

I know that for a few years my own children were a nightmare whenever Dp was around. He was inconsistent with few boundaries and it made me dislike being around my own children when he was around. Luckily he's realised that whilst we all indulge our children it is much more pleasant for everyone (including the children) if kids don't have their brattiness indulged.

I have had friends stay whose children are a nightmare and I'd find it very difficult to live like this. I have no problem with the children because they quickly modify their behaviour, but with the soft adult and the child together.

Chaos58 · 06/10/2014 22:23

Fairenuff - thanks, I do know that, I am working with my DC on boundaries - and I have been guilty of treating her as a mini adult at times. It's not made easy with a very fractious and bitter relationship with the kids' mum - who resents me for being resident parent.

Cricrichan · 06/10/2014 22:35

You must be in a difficult situation and I'm sure your gf realises that as she has 2 children of her own. I suggest sitting down together and discussing setting time aside (perhaps once a month) where you go on a date with one of your children. They get to choose what (within reason - eg bowling/cycling/cinema and lunch or dinner). It's one on one so each child gets their parent's full attention and can be heard and made to feel special. But alongside that you must become more firm. It can easily be done in a kind way so doesn't need to be confrontational. I'm sure your gf will understand and want to help. You are a family now so you're one team and not two teams together.

Cricrichan · 06/10/2014 22:37

Just reread and it sounds more like a command lol. It's just examples of things you could try.

MexicanSpringtime · 07/10/2014 05:57

Obviously if she is serious, you can only choose your dd, no choice really.

As long as you have it clear that you want your dd to grow up to be considerate of other people, etc. etc. I cannot otherwise advise you about how to go about it. Sometimes it is not as simple as just telling them off. My dd went through times when I was not proud of her and telling her off did not get the required effect, what did seem to pull her round was something happened and I jumped like a tiger in defense of my cub. I didn't plan that, don't think I could have, but it worked.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 06:11

Obviously the OP is going to choose the DD... goes without saying. But he has to reflect that, if the child's behaviour is particularly bad and doesn't improve, it's going to put off not only this prospective partner but others as well.

As you're going to have a lot of time on your hands when your g/f departs OP, it's an opportunity to deal with the 'fractious and bitter relationship'. How long has it been since you split up, who initiated it and why is your ex still ticked?

Finola1step · 07/10/2014 06:18

OP have you changed usernames after your first post? I'm a bit confused.

arsenaltilidie · 07/10/2014 06:57

Any person that says you should prioritise her over your DC should be shown the door.
Imagine a man saying "your children are spoilt brats, you should choose between me and the children"
There seems to be an undercurrent on this thread that as a man you're clueless about discipline.

What awful behaviour does your DD do?
Why do you say she's controlling?

Chaos58 · 07/10/2014 07:31

Hi, I agree that at times my discipline has been inconsistent which I'm improving on. Their mum and I split over 3 years ago and she left to live with somebody who had a history of abuse to his own children and both alcoholics. I was awarded residency and the bitterness that comes from my ex has included using the children as messengers, telling them that I lie to them, I'm a horrible person etc. My Gf, has continually wanted me to sever my own life to build one family and wanted me to change my children's school to the school her children went to. I do know my GF IS at her wits end - she doesn't deal with stress well, but when she feels I defend my daughter it's met with anger.

Chaos58 · 07/10/2014 07:36

My Daughter tries so hard to be 'good' - her problem is that she feels that some rules don't apply to her and she is (a bit like me) not responsive to being TOLD what to do. She back chats, which my GF has no tolerance for - whereas I'm an explainer and happily explain WHY something is being done. She does huffs, tries to hold my hand all the time, wants to come in bed in the morning to cuddle me, some attention seeking

VeryStressedMum · 07/10/2014 07:37

I would say get rid of your girlfriend. Your dd is always your priority so tell your girlfriend you choose your daughter.

VeryStressedMum · 07/10/2014 07:40

Your dd is 7 it is not attention seeking that she wants a cuddle or wants to hold your hand! Do not start to see this as a problem she's had a rough time so give her some affection.

Cricrichan · 07/10/2014 08:00

Op- I don't think your daughter needs discipline in view of what you've explained. If your daughter senses resentment etc from your gf then she's even more likely to seek you out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/10/2014 08:01

This isn't about your DD's behaviour in isolation. Too simplistic.

I think it's a wider problem you've got which could be summed up as 'baggage'. Your DD and DS appear to be at real risk of harm by spending time with their dysfunctional, alcoholic mother and partner. Is the contact supervised? Court-ordered? The behavioural problems sound like they stem from distress, and it's reasonable for your g/f to suggest things like severing the links, building one family, merging schools etc. When you defend your DD's behaviour I believe it comes across that you're defending the whole set-up..... I think that's what she's asking you to choose. Not the child.

Fairenuff · 07/10/2014 08:23

There are some simple steps you could take to minimise some of the problems quite easily.

I have been guilty of treating her as a mini adult at times

Can you give an example? She is 7 years old, there is no way she should be treated as an adult. She does not have the mental or emotional capability to process thought, information and actions, the same way as adults do, so treating her like this is can be very damaging to her. Stop it. Completely. You be the adult and treat her appropriately.

at times my discipline has been inconsistent which I'm improving on

Set the house rules. Talk them through with her. Tell her that you expect her to follow the rules or there will be a sanction - time out will do if you can't think of anything else, but ask her what she thinks a suitable sanction would be, you might be surprised at what she suggests. The point is that it happens every time she breaks a rule. When she follows a rule, praise her and give her positive attention. Don't give her attention for breaking rules.

her problem is that she feels that some rules don't apply to her and she is (a bit like me) not responsive to being TOLD what to do. She back chats, which my GF has no tolerance for - whereas I'm an explainer and happily explain WHY something is being done.

This needs to change. She doesn't need an explanation, that is just delaying and arguing. If you don't sort this out now, you will have trouble communicating with her when she is a teenager, regardless of whether you are with your GF or not.

It's not so much about discipline as teaching. You are teaching your dd the acceptable way to behave so that she can function and be successful in society. Teach her that back chat is not acceptable, in fact it is rude and disrespectful. You are the adult, she is the child, she should do as she is told (providing of course that you are reasonable in your expectations).

She does huffs, tries to hold my hand all the time, wants to come in bed in the morning to cuddle me, some attention seeking

Wanting to be physically close to you is not attention seeking, it's normal. Give her all the cuddles she needs. If it's not a good time, give her reassurance and be firm that she has to go back to her own bed but have lots and lots of catch up cuddles at a more appropriate time.

Hope some of this helps.

arsenaltilidie · 07/10/2014 09:05

First of all you need to get to the bottom of your daughters' neediness which doesn't sound that bad.
Going from an alcoholic and then to resentment from the other is not a pleasant environment for your daughter.

She has no right to say your daughter ruins everything, would she say the same thing about her children.

At the end of the day your GF resents your DD and for that reason you need to get rid.

Twinklestein · 07/10/2014 11:17

Either your gf loves you and your daughter for who you are or she doesn't.
I accept that your daughter may be spoilt, attention-seeking, demanding but so many children of their generation are - our generation of parents are lot more indulgent than our own parents. I can understand why you indulged her given that her mum left - that must have hit her hard.

But I doubt that she's as difficult to deal with as a physically or mentally handicapped child. An autistic child, for example, would be a lot more challenging. Your gf either signs up for the family as it is, or she's not right for the family. She could be turning this round and working with you to improve your daughter's behaviour, but she's not, she's turning it into war.
It's not your daughter who's ruining everything - it's your gf's reaction to her.

Given that the focus is on your daughter rather than your son, altho' I accept you say he's less demanding, I think it could just be straight old-fashioned jealousy and competition. Even if it's not, to say that she (gf) needs to be a priority over your daughter is selfish and immature, and indicates she has no idea what is involved in bringing up children.

I agree with Arsenal that a child caught between a bitter alcoholic who badmouths her father and a resentful gf, is in a very difficult, stressful position to be in. If she reacts more strongly to that than your son, cut her some slack. She may be playing up all the more because she's aware of your gf's dislike.

In short: you have a challenging child in difficult life circumstances: either your gf accepts that or she ships out.

Momagain1 · 07/10/2014 11:21

She is doing a piss poor job of step-mothering. I am sure that child is no worse than the other 3 are, or will be, in their own way, sooner or later.

Either Family counselling or time to let her raise her children in peace, somewhere else.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 07/10/2014 11:22

Get rid of the GF, focus on how to help your children grow and develop in a situation where their mother is an alcoholic. As a child of an alcoholic I can tell you it can be a very damaging environment. I did not have my fathers support though, so you are in good stead to help them.

Plus when a parent walks out you, the child, feel rejected, regardless of what you have been told. This will be why she is feeling more needy, the fear that you will also leave her. I would speak to a child psychologist. It could help avoid a lot of problems in the long run.

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