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Original poster

Jealous of child??

124 replies

Chaos57 · 06/10/2014 21:53

Hi, I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 2 years. We both have 2 kids - same ages and have had a very good close relationship.
This year I noticed that my GF seemed to have issues with my 7 year old daughter saying she ruined holidays, made everything stressful and was spoilt. I admit my daughter IS spoiled and in particular with my attention - she looks for it all the time. My son is more laid back about it all and less demanding. I know both my kids - in particular my daughter - took their mum leaving hard so perhaps I have overcompensated for that.

However of late my GF has now said that she gets stressed when my daughter is around, that her behaviour is awful, that she is the cause of 75% of the arguments we have. Naturally I defend my daughter, while acknowledging she IS challenging at times. There seems a real issue around this and I'm starting to see my GF as controlling for various reasons - in addition, more than once she has said 'its a choice between me and your (precious) daughter and that I need to make her (my GF) my priority. I accept my daughter can be challenging and can cause fireworks, but she is also very sweet and giving. Thoughts please?

OP posts:

MexicanSpringtime · 07/10/2014 17:03

I must say there are a lot of people on here who are against the explanation and discussion form of parenting.

As with everything there are limits and the extreme form of this is awful, but so is extreme authoritarianism. I brought my daughter up with lots of explanations (and some impositions) and found that, in the long run, she is a very thoughtful person, who knows how to make her way in the world. As a teenager, despite some strong rebellion, she avoided drugs and alcohol because she knew they were bad for her.

And yes, I know it is hard, very hard, to be a step-parent, but who in their right minds asks a man to choose between her and his small child? Especially when said small child, for all intents and purposes, does not have a mother to go to.

Whiskwarrior · 07/10/2014 17:05

Goady OP much?

Good way to start a bunfight, OP.

And no return to the thread since yesterday either. Not dodgy at all...

SolidGoldBrass · 07/10/2014 17:07

OP, have you a history of picking inadequate, selfish, whiny women? YOur DC's mother sounds pretty useless, and now you have a whiny girlfriend stamping her foot and demanding you put her first all the time. The fact that you seem to feel, on some level, that your DD's attention-seeking is sort of praiseworthy as well suggests that you might need to do some serious thinking about your attitude to women, and relationships, for your DD's sake most of all. Don't encourage her to be Daddy's Little Princess as it's not good for a girl to grow up that way.

Jan45 · 07/10/2014 17:14

See, I don't think it was like that, I mean this woman already has two children, I'd imagine it was more a case of the OP backs her up when it comes to the parenting, rather than you must choose me or her, that just doesn't even make sense.

Twinklestein · 07/10/2014 17:36

But that's not what the OP said Jan: he doesn't quote his gf as saying 'I want you to back me up more', but 'I want you to make me a priority' and 'it's a choice between me and daughter', which is not the same thing at all.

It may be he quoted her inaccurately, but only have his account to go on, so we have to take it at face value.

Momagain1 · 07/10/2014 17:57

I dont understand people having sympathy for the GF who scapegoats a child and demands the father of the child choose between them. No matter how bratty the child may be, no reasonable, concerned adult blames their current dissatisfactions on a child whose life so far has been filled with separation, divorce visitation to an unstable household and family size doubling. It seems like as soon as the girl felt secure enough to push boundaries, this GF reacted badly. Sooner or later, each of those 4 children is going to go through a bad phase, if the GF cant cope any better than this, good riddance.

fackinell · 07/10/2014 18:30

I agree, momagain. At no point would it ever occur to me that I would try to stop my DP from seeing his DD. I have on several occasions almost walked after having five kinds of shit thrown at me for no reason (as in, not OW etc.) This woman is bang out of order, his parenting style is not her business, no matter how much it may differ from get own.

This post actually reeks of a reverse thread IMO. Are you the GF, OP?

Branleuse · 07/10/2014 18:42

You are doing neither your daughter nor your girlfriend any favours. You really arent. Spoiling a child will turn her into an obnoxious person. You think its cute and indulgent. Its actually neglectful of the bigger picture, and im not surprised your girlfriend has had enough.

This isnt about your daughter, its about you, and what youve created.

MexicanSpringtime · 07/10/2014 19:17

Spoiling a child will turn her into an obnoxious person of course it will Branleuse, but we don't actually have any reason to suppose that the little girl is being spoilt. All we know is that she can be challenging and that a woman who could ask a man to choose between him and his dd, does not like her. Some children are challenging and there can be many different reasons for that, not always that they are spoilt.

Branleuse · 07/10/2014 19:19

he said she was spoilt

WildBillfemale · 07/10/2014 19:57

A seven year old shouldn't be running the show - the kid sounds brattish.

Maybe the kid needs more boundaries instead of getting away with stuff?

Twinklestein · 07/10/2014 20:12

Most children are spoilt comparatively these days so that doesn't tell you anything.

This is a child who was upset by her mother's leaving, her mother is an alcoholic who has shacked up with someone with a history of abuse of his own kids. The mother tells the daughter that her father is a horrible person who lies to her. Meanwhile her resident parent is in a new relationship with a woman who resents her and she has to share him not only with her but two new siblings.

Is it any wonder if a child in that circumstances acts up? Wouldn't you, I certainly would. She's hurt, grieving, confused, manipulated, vulnerable etc...

No wonder she wants attention from her father, no wonder she wants to hold his hand... she wants to be sure he's there for her.

MexicanSpringtime · 07/10/2014 20:57

Well said, Twinkle. Not all misbehaviour is solved by upping the discipline, though of course a lot can be.

springydaffs · 08/10/2014 07:51

For goodness sake come back op. You can't set off a bomb and then not come back.

I think you need some outside intervention to clarify what is going on in your current family. Re your daughter will be insecure, therefore clingy, because of her recent history - but that has to be handled within sensible and compassionate boundaries. You may need some outside intervention to help you see the wood for the trees - it can be very hard to see things clearly when you're in it.

Chaos58 · 08/10/2014 12:17

Hi, no not dodgy, just busy with work most of the day yesterday and looking after the kids! My GF IS at the end of her tether - I understand that and she admits she sees my daughter as a 'situation' and forgets its just still a little girl. It's very true that there is different parenting styles - for example I've always brought my kids up to question things and to have their own opinion, I have perhaps explained things TOO much at times to them. My GF gets very angry with back chat and also gets angry when she feels I defend my daughter. Yes I have indulged her in the past as 'Guilty Parent' - especially when there was a huge upheaval going on where everything I did as a parent was put under the microscope with my ExW calling Police and SW for any imagined slights. I am consulting Family Counselling to work with my daughter (and son) and me as well. I obviously don't want a brat - but I don't want a fearful child either. I know that my daughter has told me 'she feels she doesn't fit in with this family' which breaks my heart to hear. She tries to fit in and wants to be praised, but (and this is my fault) some of the boundaries - she doesn't seem to get.

Twinklestein · 08/10/2014 13:13

It breaks my heart too to hear that your daughter feels 'she doesn't fit with this family'. Poor little thing. She's obviously trying.

I never got boundaries as a child, if I didn't like a rule I paid no attention to it, she's not unusual in this.

Even the best behaved children backchat sometimes and getting angry is pointless, it will simply make things worse. It suggests that your gf does not have the maturity and resources to deal with what she's taken on. Or a big enough heart either. I don't think she likes your daughter, and it doesn't sound as if she has any intention of trying to.

Perhaps it hasn't occurred to her that your daughter's behaviour may be a response to her own.

magoria · 08/10/2014 13:21

Your poor DD has been given the bringing up that they can question and have stuff explained. There is nothing wrong with this. Your GF is on her back to basically STFU and do as I say when I say.

Your poor baby girl is going to be so confused.

Do you live with your GF? I don't see how such incompatible methods can make anyone happy.

Your DD should not have to put up with someone getting very angry at her because of the way you bring her up.

There is nothing wrong with her wanting your attention, hand to hold or a cuddle in bed as reassurance that you love her.

She is clearly feeling displaced from this family.

You do need to concentrate on her over your GF right now with such shit going on.

starlight1234 · 08/10/2014 13:48

She tries to fit in and wants to be praised, but (and this is my fault)

I know very few children who don't love praise . In fact adults for that matter.

It sounds like your daughter is struggling. I wonder what you mean by boundaries... Are these yours or GF?

I do think you need to take a very good look at your relationship with GF because it sounds to me that to put the 2 families together is never going to work. A relationship when their are children involved can't be viewed without taking into account how to parent and the children

mummytime · 08/10/2014 13:56

I think your DD needs more of your time and attention. I really hope you and GF aren't living together because it doesn't sound as if its going to work right now.

Children shouldn't dictate your relationships, but neither should they be expected to STFU. If you and GF continue to see each other, without families involved/merging at all; that would be okay, but your parenting styles and the children's needs are so different that I can't see blending working.

Wanting praise, to fit in and affection are not wrong, neither is your desire to meet your DDs needs.

SezaMcGregor · 08/10/2014 14:02

It is very easy for parents of well behaved children to over-react about children who are more challenging.

Can you try to allocate an amount of time of 10/15 minutes a day that you and your daughter and your son - can spend some time 1-2-1 doing something special such as painting, drawing, reading books. If you daughter knows that you will have time for her every day, she'll stop looking for attention through being silly (or whatever).

I would call her up about asking you to choose. That should never be an issue. However, if you are living together, you are essentially a family regardless of who's DNA makes up which child and you need to present a united front. If you cannot do this, then you need to move out and move on. You all need stability and the children can't see each other being treated differently depending on their parentage.

Nobody should ever ask someone to choose them over their children and I am surprised that you are still together after she asked you to make that choice. This is not just a red flag, it's got a deafening siren and flashing lights to go with it.

Jan45 · 08/10/2014 14:16

Still doubt very much the g/f has decided to pick on the daughter, as the OP has said, she is at the end of her tether, her fight is with you OP and not your DD. Tbh it sounds like the current situation is totally unworkable.

Your g/f needs to think long and hard about her ability to step parent your dd and you need to also think long and hard about whether you are really willing to compromise with your g/f and find a solution that keeps all three of you happy.

Momagain1 · 08/10/2014 14:17

If you and GF are planning on remaining a couple, or home sharing or not, married or not, please consider she should be part of the family counselling at some point, or just you two or a joint course in parenting, something to help the two of you are present a untied parenting team, to all 4 children. I have said it twice & I will say it again, the other 3 will take a turn at being the challenging child over the years.

Fairenuff · 08/10/2014 18:35

What you and your GF need to do is to agree a strategy. It sounds like no-one knows where they stand in your home and no-one is happy. Agree the rules, agree the behaviour expectations and agree the sanctions. Then follow them through, presenting a united front.

Children who understand and that the adults are in charge will trust you to make the right decisions for them and are therefore more likely to go along with them. Children who feel that the adults do not have control of the situation will feel vulnerable and try to take control themselves whenever possible.

Making sure they know exactly where they stand and what is going to happen will help all the children (and adults) feel more confident and able to trust each other.

Twinklestein · 08/10/2014 19:20

Problem is though, from the pov of a child a united front with someone who doesn't like you feels like a bit of a betrayal...

And you don't gain trust simply by showing that you're in charge, you have to be just too.

Twinklestein · 08/10/2014 19:22

A step-parent who doesn't like you is not likely to be just.

The gf holds the daughter responsible for ruining the happy family setup, but actually it's the gf's reaction to her that's the problem.

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