Jealous of child??

[Chaos57]

Hi, I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 2 years. We both have 2 kids - same ages and have had a very good close relationship.
This year I noticed that my GF seemed to have issues with my 7 year old daughter saying she ruined holidays, made everything stressful and was spoilt. I admit my daughter IS spoiled and in particular with my attention - she looks for it all the time. My son is more laid back about it all and less demanding. I know both my kids - in particular my daughter - took their mum leaving hard so perhaps I have overcompensated for that.

However of late my GF has now said that she gets stressed when my daughter is around, that her behaviour is awful, that she is the cause of 75% of the arguments we have. Naturally I defend my daughter, while acknowledging she IS challenging at times. There seems a real issue around this and I'm starting to see my GF as controlling for various reasons - in addition, more than once she has said 'its a choice between me and your (precious) daughter and that I need to make her (my GF) my priority. I accept my daughter can be challenging and can cause fireworks, but she is also very sweet and giving. Thoughts please?

Yeap, I can understand the gf having problems with someone else's child, but I cannot understand how she expresses herself about this and I would not want to bring up a child of mine in close proximity with someone who asked me to choose between them and my child

We tried living together and found the differences caused a lot of problems. We both have different views on parenting. I explain, encourage collaboration with the kids and am generally relaxed about schedules. I know at times I've indulged my kids - maybe been too soft with discipline- as it was a horrible 3 years for them with their mums alcoholism and then getting sober and leaving so I've perhaps been more lenient because I know my DD saw more and knew more. We have tried family counselling but I'm more interested in helping my daughter cope better. She gets stressed and anxious and angry at times - and it's the situation. My GF and I attended a counsellor but at times I felt that I was castigated for defending and putting my kids first

So, if you turned to your GF and said to choose between you and her children, what do you think the answer would be?

Your children should always come first. If anyone said that to me, they would be shown the door.

TBH, I don't think your dd sounds that bad and I don't think your parenting style does either.

TBH, I don't think your dd sounds that bad and I don't think your parenting style does either
Certainly from what you have posted here, I would agree.

My DD can be a handful - she can be wilful and often reacts with frustration and anger to things. At school she is a model pupil and her teacher just gushes praise about her. What has also happened is a few weeks back my gf and I had an argument over the way my daughter had behaved that day - demanding and looking to grab all my attention- my DD heard every word - including about her and how heated it got (from my gf - I remained calm) - it has led my dd to say she can't trust my had for the nasty things she said and that 'she promised she wouldn't do that' - that prompted us to move back to our own house

'its a choice between me and your (precious) daughter and that I need to make her (my GF) my priority.

My Gf, has continually wanted me to sever my own life to build one family and wanted me to change my children's school to the school her children went to. I do know my GF IS at her wits end - she doesn't deal with stress well, but when she feels I defend my daughter it's met with anger.

If those are some posters' ideas on responsible parenting, then their notions differ very much from mine. Destabilise the children after they've had so much change already, to her children's old school? Why? Demand a parent prioritise a partner over their child? Set that up as a choice between them?

Your child may have issues and may need help, but from what you've said about the two partners you have chosen, I think you may need the Freedom Programme. They both sound controlling and angry people, and your children need stability and consistency.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with explaining why something is being asked of a child, as long as they still have to comply. I have no truck with the idea that you can treat a child with contempt and expect good behaviour back. Courtesy needs to be modelled as well as taught, and obviously you need to be in charge but there's no need not to explain your reasoning so they know it's not arbitrary.

You need limits, boundaries and routines with kids, I think. If your daughter is pushing them then you need to be firm. But she also sounds like she needs reassurance, and with the women in your life, I'm not surprised.

I dont understand people having sympathy for the GF who scapegoats a child and demands the father of the child choose between them. No matter how bratty the child may be, no reasonable, concerned adult blames their current dissatisfactions on a child whose life so far has been filled with separation, divorce visitation to an unstable household and family size doubling. It seems like as soon as the girl felt secure enough to push boundaries, this GF reacted badly. Sooner or later, each of those 4 children is going to go through a bad phase, if the GF cant cope any better than this, good riddance.

Absolutely agree.

Your dd behaving well at school demonstrates that she can understand and follow rules. She knows exactly what the expectations are and what will happen if she doesn't respect the boundaries.

She doesn't question or back chat her teachers because they are all working together to implement the rules and support each other in doing so. It is a safe and supportive environment for her and the other children.

She does not have this at home because you and your GF cannot agree the rules between you. You have to really question whether you can really be together if your parenting styles are so different and neither of you is willing/able to moderate your own behaviour.

^Problem is though, from the pov of a child a united front with someone who doesn't like you feels like a bit of a betrayal...^

As Twinklestein writes, I agree. I don't have anything against step mothers and feel they're often judged too harshly, but this doesn't mean every step parent is right and misunderstood.

From what the OP has said, it does seem like there are a few issues, all of which need sorting out, and only the OP knows how this needs to happen (ie splitting up or councelling, working together vs working alone)

• your parenting (stronger boundaries but still within your style OR you have big issues with your style of parenting and need to fundamentally change?)

• your dd (does she need more attention? Separate attention from rest of behaviour, deal with rest but don't see her need for love and support as something she needs disciplining over? OR she is fighting boundaries with all her behaviour and needs firmness rather than more attention?)

• your girlfriend. (work with her as a joint partner, as a family with everyone looking out for each persons best interests incl your dd, OR decide you cannot do this within this relationship and walk away)

I think you have done the right thing moving back to your own place. If you and your gf can't agree on parenting strategies then the end result is the situation your facing.

Although your dd has had a terrible life with her mother the best thing you can do for her is give her clear consistent parenting with appropriate disciplining/responses for that behaviour.

She doesn't need you to be soft on her because she suffered at the hands if her mother. If her behaviour is wrong then it needs to be dealt with there and then, she doesn't need you to have a back thought of her mothers alcoholism and base your parenting on that. She just needs love, stability and boundaries.

Don't focus on the past, look to the future

Are you and your gf still together?

So glad you moved out when your gf spoke that way about your dd within her hearing. I cannot see how they can ever repair their relationship after that, but at least your dd has seen that you are a constant in her life and will always be there for her.

I also think you might benefit from the Freedom Programme, it is starting to look like you have a pattern of choosing the wrong type of partner.

But you do sound like a lovely dad.

I think perhaps she means either you sort your bratty spoilt child out or I go. I think that's the decision she wants you to make, not necessarily it's her or your daughter. I think she means she needs to be the priority in terms of you need to put her need for your child to not be a bratty nightmare before spoiling your daughter.

Be aware your child is probably 100x less endearing than you think.

I think perhaps she means either you sort your bratty spoilt child out or I go
Sorry I couldn't be with a child I didn't like, not for my own good but for the child's sake. If she did think that, then all the more reason for you to take your child far away from her.

Personally I think it's the gf who's bratty...

If your dd is feeling like an outsider you need to take her down off her pedestal and treat her like the other DCs. If one child is continually given special treatment nod favoured, the others soon feel resentful and the gap widens.

Indulging your dd will alienate her from her brother, her step siblings (if you stay together) and will set her up for disappointment when she realises that the rest of the world don't think she's the bee's knees.

Penelope, where does the OP say that he favours his daughter over his son or, indeed over the children of his gf?

Yeah the posts are definitely not patronising at all.
Apparently the OP is clueless when it comes to parenting.

He should just ignore his child when she mentions she feels like an outsider.
Because as a child she can't pick up resentment.
He should listen to the woman that wants to move DCs to her DC's school.
He should listen to the woman who says "your daughter ruined our holiday"
Because obviously the OP has a great track record in choosing women.
7 bedroom detached house for s

How many times do we read on here, how the ExH abandons his children when a new GF in the picture.
Now some posters are telling the OP to ignore his child when the GF has already proved herself to be a bitch.

Wow. Yea the GF is just at the end of her tether. Uh huh. Even at the furthest end of the furthest tether telling someone to pick between them and their child at ALL is extremely telling.

Go to family counselling with your children. Leave your toxic GF.

Sounds like you have a really nice parenting style.

Sometimes, some kids are more spirited than others. We have a reasonably happy family life but one of my Ds's is terrible for backchat ring and the other, more spirited character is very easy to anger!
They're kids and they are super sensitive to our every day moods, never mind be upheaval of a family breaking up.

It's not a bad thing she is seeking attention/reassurance, it's totally understandable under the circumstances.

I have to admit, my kids drive me up the wall and I could easily not want to deal with them if they were being difficult and weren't my own..

I think though that your GF asking you to choose is really inappropriate.
It's just not reasonable or sensitive to what the kids have been through.

I have to admit, my kids drive me up the wall and I could easily not want to deal with them if they were being difficult and weren't my own

Hehehe!
I passed that stage, but yes, been there, bought the T-shirt.

However of late my DP has now said that he gets stressed when my son is around, that his behaviour is awful, that he is the cause of 75% of the arguments we have. Naturally I defend my son, while acknowledging he IS challenging at times. There seems a real issue around this and I'm starting to see my DP as controlling for various reasons - in addition, more than once he has said 'its a choice between me and your (precious) son and that I need to make him (my DP) my priority. I accept my son can be challenging and can cause fireworks, but he is also very sweet and giving. Thoughts please?

What has also happened is a few weeks back my DP and I had an argument over the way my son had behaved that day - demanding and looking to grab all my attention- my DS heard every word - including about him and how heated it got (from my DP - I remained calm) - it has led my ds to say he can't trust my DP for the nasty things he said and that 'he promised she wouldn't do that' - that prompted us to move back to our own house

Their dad and I split over 3 years ago and he left to live with somebody who had a history of abuse to her own children and both alcoholics. I was awarded residency and the bitterness that comes from my ex has included using the children as messengers, telling them that I lie to them, I'm a horrible person etc. My DP has continually wanted me to sever my own life to build one family and wanted me to change my children's school to the school his children went to. I do know my DP IS at his wits end - he doesn't deal with stress well, but when he feels I defend my ds it's met with anger.

We tried living together and found the differences caused a lot of problems. We both have different views on parenting. I explain, encourage collaboration with the kids and am generally relaxed about schedules. I know at times I've indulged my kids - maybe been too soft with discipline- as it was a horrible 3 years for them with their dad's alcoholism and then getting sober and leaving so I've perhaps been more lenient because I know my DS saw more and knew more. We have tried family counselling but I'm more interested in helping my son cope better. He gets stressed and anxious and angry at times - and it's the situation. My DP and I attended a counsellor but at times I felt that I was castigated for defending and putting my kids first

I've read this thread several times over the years. And the cry is always, "LTB! How can you allow a man to treat your child this way? You'll ruin his (or her) childhood - the man is emotionally abusing your child, what's your choice here!"

Why is it different when you reverse the genders?

Also: it has led my ds to say he can't trust my GF for the nasty things she said and that 'he promised she wouldn't do that'

The GF has such bad form on saying horrible things about the OP's child that she has formally promised (to the child, individually, or in the family counselling referred to?) that she'd stop... and she isn't stopping? And after 3 years with an abusive, alcoholic mother, she is now being exposed to a toxic stepmother, with such venom aimed at a child it's actually necessitating either family therapy to address it, or private promises?

You sound a great dad, protecting your kids by moving out - and I do note, your gf objects to you prioritising your kids, plural, while scapegoating your dd especially. But I think you may be doing as many women do on here: your GF is so much better than your ex that she must be fine, because a level 2 abuser is so much easier to handle than a level 6 or 7. How about you find someone who isn't so habitually angry they say hatefilled things to young children, because they're jealous of their closeness to their dad?

Sorry, obviously that should read: ^it has led my dd to say she can't trust my GF for the nasty things she said and that 'she promised she wouldn't do that'

That gender reversal is very powerful PerfectStorm.

Why indeed do we make excuses for a woman, as if she can't really be being that nasty to a child, so we search around for another reason. Just because she's a woman. We try to reinterpret words, find a different subtext, disbelieve the credibility of the poster ...