Jealous of child??

[Chaos57]

Hi, I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 2 years. We both have 2 kids - same ages and have had a very good close relationship.
This year I noticed that my GF seemed to have issues with my 7 year old daughter saying she ruined holidays, made everything stressful and was spoilt. I admit my daughter IS spoiled and in particular with my attention - she looks for it all the time. My son is more laid back about it all and less demanding. I know both my kids - in particular my daughter - took their mum leaving hard so perhaps I have overcompensated for that.

However of late my GF has now said that she gets stressed when my daughter is around, that her behaviour is awful, that she is the cause of 75% of the arguments we have. Naturally I defend my daughter, while acknowledging she IS challenging at times. There seems a real issue around this and I'm starting to see my GF as controlling for various reasons - in addition, more than once she has said 'its a choice between me and your (precious) daughter and that I need to make her (my GF) my priority. I accept my daughter can be challenging and can cause fireworks, but she is also very sweet and giving. Thoughts please?

Rereading: GF,is asking you to emotionally abuse your DD. Any situation in which DD ends up happy, GF will be unhappy. To make Gf happy, you must leave DD unhappy. It becomes not about the slow and gradual process of parenting your child out of the issues she has, and more about whatever satisfies GF in a given situation. Unsustainable. Unhealthy.

Your GF doesn't sound jealous she sounds as if she is at her wits end. There are 4 children in your household yet you & your DD seem to think that some of the rules shouldn't apply to her. I think it is your own parenting style you should be looking at.

I also don't agree with posters saying get rid of the GF, if you love her why would you do that? What about the other 3 children, do your DD's needs trump theirs? You may well have this problem in any future relationships. Your DD sounds as though she needs some help coping with your divorce from her DM.

Yy to holdthepage (and cogito). You have a real chance of providing stability for your daughter now, which will have longstanding consequences for her, depending on which way you choose. I dont think your gf is being controlling from what you've said: you and she are the adults, not your daughter. Your gf is presenting common sense and stability - you will ruin your daughter if you continue to indulge her in this and in life generally.

I don't see that gf is jealous of your daughter, in answer to your thread title.

Why not start by having a break from your GF, while you sort out "discipline". Then when GF isn't around you can a) see if there really is a discipline problem - or if your DD just wants affection (some children need more affection than others, but I see nothing wrong in that - as long as you can move); b) see if everything is far easier without your GF around or is it that you never put your GFs feelings first?

Without being there we can't see what is really going on; which could range from real problems from GF or DD, to very different ideas of parenting. What were your GFs parents like? How is she to her own children? If you made a demand on her would she put you first? Always? (This is not necessarily a good thing.)

I I also don't think GF is jelous just very fed up with your daughter. I don't agree with the choose . I think that you do need to sort daughters behaviour out then see where you can go from there. I would tell your Gf.. You need a break to sort daughter out then see where you are from there.

Maybe makes some houserules and print them off. I did that with my son. Clear boundries. I did a pocket money thing where unacceptable behaviours I took 10p off him he started the week with £1 . It really did help with some behaviours but lots of praise for the good behaviour too. Lots of rewards and attnetion for that.

I am willing to bet that your DD's behaviour would improve if your GF wasn't around. How would you like to live/spend time with someone who you know has no tolerance for you? Maybe you even sense they don't like you. Of course she is then going to want lots of cuddles and reassurance off you too.

In your position, I personally would get rid of two GF. Your DD will already have enough insecurities with regards to her mother abandoning her. She needs as many cuddles as you can fit into a day-that's normals and withholding them because you don't want your GF to roll her eyes or worse would be terribly cruel to your DD.

The more you cuddle your DD, the more secure she will be and the less cuddles she will need.

For me the decision would be simple. She's asked you to pick-so pick and make life easier for you all.

As an aside though, practically how would she expect you to pick her over your DD?! What would happen to your DD?

Now I think about it again, I'm surprised you've even had to ask. The answer is so easy.

I agree that you should end the relationship with your gf. Your DD is only seven and a child and should be able to enjoy being with her Father without your gf making things difficult. She sounds awful.

How long were you on your own before having a relationship with your gf?

It seems that your dc's are struggling and there is significant healing that needs to take place in your family and maybe this should be the priority.It is extremely difficult to parent, work and blend a step family.Sometimes you may need to prioritise.

I can however see both sides of this as I'm a stepmum with a challenging step daughter (her mother has never provided stability at home). My husband was guilty of disney parenting and at times he should have put my needs first (an example was when I was in hospital for surgery whilst pregnant with our child) and this would have caused issues with anyone in his life.It does not help the child in the long run if you do not have effective and consistent boundaries.

How does your daughter behave at school? Do they raise any concerns about her behaviour?

Also my step daughter felt very marginalised when her mum had new relationships as most of her energies went into the new man in her life. It does seem as if your daughter is attention seeking, could this be valid, does she get sufficient one to one time with you?

Spoil a child and you spoil their life in so many ways that cannot be seen until they are adults.

You all ought to be equally important here but you and your gf need to be singing from the same page when it comes to boundaries and discipline.

Other folk here are validating your girlfriends behaviour but I'm not so sure it's as cut as that.

What happened to make your girlfriend say 'it's your daughter or me'?

Get rid of your GF.

Your DD is seven. In the last 3 years she has seen her parents split in what sounds like an ongoing vitrolic battle. She is used as a tool and hurt by her mother to get at you.

You got a new GF a year after splitting with your DDs mother. Within a year she is resentful of your DD. Wanting to change their school for her benefit. You and she argue.

Your DD needs some stability and love. Not a household where she is resented and an adult wants to be picked over her.

Maybe your dd is hard to live with but that is not the point. The point is that your gf is making you choose which is a dumpable offence.

She has no right to make you choose, what an immature woman. I would have to end the relationship tbh.

However, spoiling your daughter will do her no favours for the future. My DP's DD is very spoiled and at 17, it's tough to keep my mouth shut, but I do because she isn't mine and it's not my call or business.

The real world won't see your daughter as the be all and end all and one day she will be confused and disappointed that all the world doesn't dance to her tune.

Without seeing her it's difficult to judge but I'm not sure if the daughter is spoilt so much as damaged and vulnerable. She's had to deal with a heck of a lot in her 7 years.

Your dd could be spoilt, damaged and vulnerable or such going through a difficult stage, but who in their right minds tells a parent to choose between their child and them?

Nothing you have said here makes your dd sound particularly problematic to me, but then I only have her loving father's side of the story. The most important thing your child needs is security (which comes with boundaries, of course) not a woman in your life saying get rid.

I, personally, don't click with all children, but if I didn't like a child I would certainly not try to set up a home with their father, for the child's sake.

I think she is struggling to explain to you how much your chaotic past, Ex and refusal to deal with things is impacting on her life and that of her DCs. If all you can hear is that she is jealous, then I can't see that you and your GF can communicate well enough to make everyone happy. I doubt she really asked you to choose between them in the way you are suggesting, as there aren't actually options for choosing your DP (where can DD go)? It sounds more like she is asking you to grow up and be a parent in certain situations where she expected your support. If I am wrong, and she is as bad as you say, then just go but don't hang around hoping to get some moral high ground and win some argument points (life is too short).

Your DD does need stability and for you to set her some boundaries (including the role your GF is expected to play in terms of discipline and affection). She is obviously struggling and you are doing her no favours making her into one side of an argument just because it makes your life easier than talking about the underlying issues. Have a grown up conversation with your DP about how you see your life together and how your family will blend and work, don't dredge up petty examples of things she has said and done, look forward and try to work together.

What form of bad behaviour exactly does gf cite as causing her so much stress?

She is a mother herself, she must know that if she asks you to choose it is not a contest she is likely to win, you've been together for two years but only recently has DD irked her to this extent.

DD must by now have picked up on the fact that gf doesn't like her, and your exW in the background won't necessarily be calming things.

If gf can't handle your tolerance of certain behaviours it is you she has the problem with, though she may not yet have admitted this.

For DD's sake you have to address this, and if necessary call it a day with gf. But be aware that the next partner you have may also expect you to step up and parent your little girl, with age appropriate boundaries and consequences. Cutting her slack eg debating instead of enforcing house rules might be the last thing she needs.

Plus, for the time being, DS has not posed any problems, but this could change.

I'm sorry but even though your daughter has gone through a lot, none of it excuses really awful and spoilt behaviour - it's easy to say get rid of g/f when all she is probably doing is venting her frustration at a situation she feels is not right at all, i.e., your daughter getting special treatment. I could be wrong but I doubt very much your g/f has just decided to hate your daughter. Your g/f has two children of her own so she must have some idea about raising children.

What it comes down to basically is you two must be a team in front of all the children, same rules for everyone and you both show a united front, I'm sorry but I don't think that will happen if not already. I don't think you two have the same views in order to make this work.

My sister debates house rules with her kids when she should just enforce them - if someone parents in that style, and it's not your way, then that's up to them. Her kids are absolutely lovely but they're slightly feral.

It's not for me, or if she split up with her husband, a new partner, to tell her how she should bring up her kids.

The OP has the right to bring up his kids the way he sees fit in accordance with his own personality and experiences, if this gf or any other has a problem with that, their parenting styles are not compatible.

That was to Donkeys ^

I think how you read this may partly depend on your stepmother experience. My parents stayed together, but several friends had stepmothers (or de facto stepmothers if they weren't married), who really didn't want them around.

One insisted that a friend and her sister shared a bed in one bedroom, and she stated that she did not like their father spending money on them, she wanted it all for herself and her son who was not his. Another friend, her SM told her she was jealous - not of my friend - but of the time her father spent with her, thus it was cut back at her insistence.

From the detail here I do think there are problems with the gf: saying she should be a priority over the daughter & asking the OP to make a choice is just wrong full stop. I would never respect a man who would choose their gf over their kids, and I certainly don't respect a woman who asks that. I also don't think it's fair to expect the OP's kids to change schools: they likely settled there, have friends, they've had a lot of change in the last few years, why should they uproot just because it's more convenient for her?

I have been exactly where this g/f is so perhaps I am leaning more in her favour, let's say I am, there's nothing more disrespectful than your partner ignoring your assessment of a situation where your child is coming across as spoilt, rude and unmanageable and doing nothing about it!

The problem is you and her, she feels resentful because you clearly take your daughter's side in situations, this will leave your g/f feeling very unsupported and undervalued, when what she might actually be doing is trying to help you raise your child in a way that results in her not turning into a self entitled spoilt adult.

I'm just not sure which one it is here, your g/f I doubt hates your daughter, she may hate her behaviours, her issue, asI have said is actually with you and your two completely contradicting parenting styles.

I admit my daughter IS spoiled and in particular with my attention - she looks for it all the time

You admit your parenting isn't the greatest.

Personally I think there are faults on both sides. To me I read it as your girlfriend giving an ill advised ultimatum in the hope that you sort out your parenting and see that you are creating a problem.

If course she shouldn't have given the ultimatum but I read it as desperation and give her the benefit of the doubt.

I think it's worth having a proper chat to see if this is so.

If so, can you fix it or are you going to keep on spoiling your daughter in favour of misguided parenting.

If not and this is a real ultimatum where she expects you to chose then if course there's no contest, but there is still the issue as to whether you're doing what's right by your daughter by making her feel secure in your live whilst at the same time providing clear and consistent boundaries.

That sounds fair enough Twinklestein just thinking it is tricky when there are 4 youngsters under one roof.