"Sister wants to end 7 year dispute with me and family" (I thought about name-changing ).

[smokepole]

I know my posts either intrigue people, or annoy the hell out of them and that I could have name changed for a far balanced thread ,but I have not name changed.

Those that are familiar with me , will know that my family and I fell out with my elder sister , for not helping the family financially when able to do so. For those who don't know she refused to lend parents , or me money (but enough of the past).

Sister has asked if the kids DD1, 2 ,DS and me will go with her family skiing at Christmas in the Chalet they have rented in Austria ( fully paid by her).
Last night in a phone call she apologised in a "heart felt way" for not helping me or the family like an eldest daughter or sister should have done.

I have said the kids will be going on the holiday, I am of course in two minds whether to go ( my brother is having none of this change from his sister). The thing is Mum/Dad have been putting pressure on all of us to make up, Mum is 70 Dad is 74 so you can see why they want us to be a "family again".
Sister has even suggested my EX comes along and shares a " room with me" Mum and Dad would quite like it if me and the EX get back together (despite being Divorced for three years) . I just want to scream at my life that goes from mad- madder every week.

I did not need to post this thread (maybe I should not have based on my previous post). However, since I have told my life story on the previous thread, I might as well continue posting threads.

Raffles is clearly not trying to say that Aspergers isn't real Autism, just that (in her experience) people with Aspergers do not routinely qualify for DLA.

No MrsCakes she didn't just say that.

She also said anyone with difficulties as a result of Aspergers would be incapable of 'partaking' on MN

Definitely not how I read it.

I'm not disputing that you are familiar with the part of the spectrum that you are familiar with Raffles but your confident remarks about Aspergers/HFA and potential DLA entitlement constitute misinformation.

I know plenty of people with excellent academic qualifications (think A/A* students, 1st class degrees, doctorates, RG, Oxbridge) who cannot ties shoelaces, organise food shopping/cooking. get around easily out of doors, deal with other people easily, who have HUGE social issues...

I happen to know some of them have (lowish) DLA awards.

(What will happen as PIP comes in is a different question)

To say;

Aspergers - if you do have it - does not qualify in my experience! You can't possibly be that bad if you can partake in mumsnet!

...is outrageous.

Many of this people have genius IQs. But they still struggle with daily life.

It is a particular section of the spectrum, granted, but none the less real or valid for that.

Also consider Raffles your remark that OP working in a family business is evidence of no major issues. A family business is a safe and protected environment.

And that is more than enough of a hijack.

Apologies smoke

I'll admit that OP has my head a bit 'spinny' but here's my take, and I'll try to be 'kind';

OP it appears you have spent the majority of your life floating around on your parent's money, either working for them or being given gifts of money. This has given you the attitude that you really shouldn't have to put yourself out to earn your own, that your parents should be there to supply it, either in the form of a job or cash. You seem to have drifted that belief over to your siblings, in that they should also give you money or 'things' rather than your having to go out and earn them. You talk a good game about your brother 'offering' you things and your parents 'dripping' you money but it all amounts to the same thing; you think it's OK. In today's society it's pretty much expected that a person should earn their own way, regardless of family money. Even the children of millionaires (well, some of them) have careers, businesses, or do charity work. Because it's expected of them and it makes them feel worthwhile, certainly not because they need the money.

I'll accept your statement that you have mental health issues. Perhaps some of it is because of this dependency on your family? It would certainly make me feel 'stagnant' if all I was doing was sitting around waiting for others to pay my way.

PPs have suggested you volunteer, that is a good start. You need a job, even if it's a low paying job. You need something to show you that you can do for yourself, not wait around for others to do it for you.

OP I think people are being very cruel. You haven't asked for job advice and to be honest I can see why you'd struggle to get one.
I also think it's pretty obvious you have MH issues and possibly SN. Either that or you're trolling which given the level of detail and oversharing is unlikely.
Back to your op though I do think you should go on the holiday and make amends with your sister, from the sound of it, she has done nothing wrong and been cut off for seven years. I think you need to apologise to her as others have already stated.
I also agree with other posters that you need to change your attitude towards your achieving some independence. It sounds like you've been "looked after" by your family your whole life (though it does sound like you need a lot of support).
Good luck op, I hope you have a lovely holiday with your sister.

smoke if your parents are now in their 70's and have no new income and they are bankrolling you to the tune of £1500 per month, plus still partially supporting your ex by allowing him to live rent free in a house that they could be renting out, they must be hemorrhaging cash at an alarming rate and this cannot go on indefinitely, surely.

Have they put you on some kind of time limit for this support?

Raffles I get DLA (medium care, low mobility components) and I am clearly using MumsNet.

Arsenic I went to Churchill College, Cambridge. This is a college that has a great reputation for engineering, computer science, natural science and maths. I met tons of ASD students there.
I will never forget one guy who I met there who had ASD. He was the cleverest person I have met in my life. He always came top of the whole university in maths, but he had some odd habits and was very lacking in social skills.

Do your parents still have income in order to support you smokepole?
I seem to recall you saying your ex lived in "one of their properties"
If I were you I'd be fearful about the future too. What will you do if your brother withdraws his financial support? You could be many more years out of the job market by then and it's not a given that benefits would support you with no requirement to seek work.
I think you need your sister in your life if only to help you to find strategies to empower yourself.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Some real nastiness and vitriol on this thread.

On the other hand, some great advice from a few posters, especially Alisvola.

OP I'm glad that you seem to be taking some of the advice on board. Please stop revealing all this identifying information about yourself. It's not going to convince the people who don't believe you and just gives them more ammunition to be cruel to you.

Wow this thread has really taken off since yesterday.

Ok just my two pence worth here. Smoke, if you really are having problems with mental health, and from what I've read it either seems like there is a problem (that or you're just trolling) then you should seek professional help. And I'm not saying that in an unkind way either, I suffer with mh problems and understand how difficult it is, I can also understand how skewered your view on life can get when they take over. Been there and done that, I blamed the world and its dog for my problems before I finally got some help that allowed me to see that yes, I've had a shit start and yes, my parents did mess up my head and gave me serious mental health issues but it wasn't just all their fault. I needed to take responsibility too. Once I did my life dramatically improved.

Whatever is going on with you, I hope it gets worked out soon.

That's exactly what I meant ral. Thank you

Guys if you think OP is a troll then you should completely ignore.

On the off-chance she is someone with SN & mental illness (may not preclude her being a troll, but is mitigating), you should ignore or only say weakly sympathetic things.

I'd like this thread to be deleted. Can't see it's doing anyone any good.

I'd like this thread to be deleted.

Would you Nosy?

The thread got off to a bad start but smoke seems to be listening and thinking things over. Maybe it has helped her?

I'm not sure why you think it is constructive to raise the possibility of trolldom and use terms like 'offchance'?

Arsenic I realise my mistake over the other thread and I apologise.

I do think though that something is 'off' about these threads and I think the op may be quite unwell.

For those who are saying troll, report. Don't taunt.

there is a real person here, who is asking for help with a very difficult life. Smoke's made some big steps on this thread, ones which cannot have been easy for her.

Her posting style is unique but she is in a really unfortunate situation and only know starting to see what her parents have done. This might be her only source of advice, so please don't push her away.

Right OP,

You have had the pack on your back here.

It's not your fault that your folk had money and indulged you.

It's ok to work for the family firm and be rewarded accordingly.

It's ok to expect family to help out if you're financially stuck.

It's not ok to cut them off if they decide that they can't help you.

It's ok to be mortgage free.

It's ok to prefer fee paying education.

Your sister did not want to be in the family business (sensible choice by the looks of it) so I have to ask did she and her kids get all of the same perks as you?

Family are important. Let go of your anger towards your sister and just be her sister.

This thread made unpleasant reading. You could ask for it to be deleted because I'm doubting its usefulness.

Smoke sooner or later you are going to have to fend for yourself. Your parents are in their 70s and so they are not going to be around for ever. You seem to be very dependent on them. I think that is the reason you gave 200k shares away for £1, you do not want to upset them or they may withdraw their support. I doubt if you ran a business with other non-related shareholders you would have made such a bad decision. The fact you are talking about "pressure" being a reason to do this is even worse.
As long as this business was sold in the last 6 years you have a very strong civil case and I would write them a prelegal letter and if that fails I would sue them. If my parents still lived in the UK I would sue their backsides, but have taken legal advice and been advised against it as the cost of enforcing a judgement in France would be disproportionate and my dad spent all my cash and is living as a straw man, so would end up paying £5 a week. Not worth the hassle.
I really think you should get a job. OK so you have sent out 100 CVs and heard nothing, but I am assuming you are not looking at NMW work and that would be the best place to start. I employ NMW shift workers and I cannot get anyone to do the bloody jobs. Fair enough not many people like cleaning bogs for a living, but I am sick of people refusing my jobs and only coming to interviews to keep their dole. If you want to work with SN children, care homes would be a great place to start. Several of my cleaners, who are African immigrants, do cleaning in the day and care work at night. Night shift care work is easy to come across as people do not want to do it. There is no shame working for NMW and every penny you get you will have earned yourself rather than getting handouts.
I was on incapacity for a couple of years and it was incredibly dis-empowering and humiliating. I was relying on taxpayers as I was too ill to earn my own money. Now incapacity has been replaced with ESA, and claimants are forced to ATOS assessments every few months, the whole system has got one hell of a lot worse.
I would suggest your sister is the only family member with common sense. I could understand you being pissed off if you could not afford to eat until your benefits came through and she would not loan you a fiver. That would be pretty mean. However you are asking her to shell out a 5 figure sum to educate your children.
Since my business has taken off I have had a lot of cash requests from in laws and they get jack shit. I offer them a job, but they do not want that, they want cash. I have told them they can have a job, or I can help them with their CVs or interviewing tips. They are not interested. Loaning family members cash can back fire spectacularly when the loan is due and they do not pay. It then becomes a bone of contention and can wreck family relationships.

Raffles why on earth would you be fuming if the OP claims DLA?

Claimants do not get to decide whether or not they get the cash, that is down to DWP. New claims are now not DLA, they are PIP and you can only get it if you have a medical report that backs up your disability and you succeed in the face-to-face assessment.

I do not begrudge anyone getting either DLA or PIP honestly. The only ones which hack me off are the fraudsters, which only accounts for 1 in 400 claims, but tarnishes the reputation of all us genuine recipients.