Occasional dv. Feels too late to leave now.

[PokingHoles]

DH has been violent on and off for about 6 years and I was wondering if anyone else stayed for several years after dv started (albeit smaller scale stuff- throwing things, pinning against walls but no punching or anything that required medical attention)? I feel like a huge idiot for even posting this, and I do know I should have left several times in the past, but now I feel it's too late and I'm so stuck. We now have a dc and he's pushing for more asap, and I'm at a point now that I figure if I can't leave I'll just have to soldier on. He has never been physical to, or in front of dc, and he's an ngd rally.
The thing is, he hasn't been very physical in such a long tim (over a year, except when he tripped me up and threw something at me a few months ago).
I feel I've missed my chance to leave.
Has anyone else tried to leave a long time after a dv incident? I've tried to discuss the dv with him btw and he completely denied it ever happened, even tho I can list to himwhat hes done and when.
Looked at me totally blank like I was crazy. This is what has brought me to post her for guidance.
Please be gentle i know im a dick for staying. :( He actually does love me and 80% of the time everything's great, it's just the 20% that's so soul destroying.

The bit talking about him not hurting our dc is supposed to say he's an amazing dad. On crappy phone as can't use dh's laptop.

You're not a dick, but you must get out.

80% love is not enough. 20% soul destroying is not tolerable, not even 0.00001% soul destroying is tolerable. It's not too late to leave, people here will help you with ways how. Having more children with a violent man will not help you. He may not hurt you in front of the child but that doesn't make it any better, he shouldn't hurt you at all. He may not have hurt you for a long time but living in constant fear of when he will do it again is no way to live.

Best of luck. People here will help you out

Amazing dads do not beat the child's mother...

It's never to late to leave.

You will always have the right to say I have had enough and want out.

Do you have anywhere to go or could you tell him to leave?

Your children may not know now but I can promise you they will as they get older. And amazing dads don't assault the mothers of their children. Actually, they don't assault anyone.

I'm sorry you're feeling so trapped but not clear why you feel it's too late. I suspect the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. Have you spoken to refuge or women's aid?

I have family but we're not close and they wouldn't let me stay with them. I have asked him to leave severatimes in the past but he just refuses and reminds me he pays the mortgage and I'm financially dependant on him. My dc seems so happy I feel guilty for even posting here. Dh would also never let me have dc without a fight and since none of the dv is recorded ive read that I can't get any help with legal costs. I work part time with sporadic shifts. I would have to give up work if I left. He could go to his mums but thinks its all in my head so wouldn't go voluntarily.

Oddfod, I feel it's too late as we've been in a 'calm' stage with few incidents for about a year. I feel it would dragging old stuff up? I know thay sounds stupid.

You're allowed to leave someone without needing DV to 'justify' it. 'Just because' is enough, you don't have to give any other reason. You want to leave him? Leave him.

In the meantime please do everything you can to avoid getting pregnant and contact Women's Aid. Also contact the police on 101, ask to speak to their DV team, and just discuss your situation with them. They won't force you into anything but they will give you an idea of what they can do to help.

Good luck OP. It is never too late. You have a wonderful life ahead of you.

Start writing it down. If you don't feel like you can leave right now, start keeping a secret diary. Not just what happened but how it made you feel afterwards.

I remember feeling after he was physically aggressive with me, "well, it was only a tiny bit worse than last time" and I had a sense of gratitude that I'd got through it, that I was OK. It really is comparable to the frog being boiled. YOu know what they say, if you put a frog in to hot water it'll jump straight out, but if you heat the water gradually it will stay there.

After each incident, I used to want to leave, but I felt that it would have been melodramatic to leave because of something that I'd put up with before or put up with for years.............

I totally understand how it creeps up on you. A shove and a poke, a shove and a rougher poke, a SHOVE AND A ROUGH POKE AND TEETH GRIMACED AND ANGRY SALIVA SPRAYED IN YOUR FACE. But an hour later you think, I'm ok.

I don't know what age you are but it doesn't matter, if you were 65 I'd still say leave so that you can get through tomorrow in peace.

I think there is a kind of anaesthetic released in to the body that helps us in some ways, it's like a coping mechanism, a numbness to the horror, but that same anaesthetic prevents us from 'flight' after fight.

Of course its not too late OP. His behaviour sounds dangerous and frightening and he is emotionally and physically abusive. Please be very clear on that. You have minimised his behaviour all the way through your post. You do not have to put up with this. This is not normal. This is not 'love' or any kind of normal family.

Please for the love of sanity do not have another baby with this man. He is a dreadful, appalling, abusive dad and a highly abusive partner. You do not deserve this OP.

And yes, you can leave any relationship just because you want to.

If there is a form of trial where you have to defend your right to leave the relationship then that is not something that you have to indulge. You don't need his approval to end it.

of course he thinks the problems are all in your head!

from now on, report the DV. I foolishly never reported any of it. He called the police on me once in fact!!! and because there was on history of the dv to me, the police had to investigate his complaint. I could not fucking believe it. I wish I'd just walked out the door and gone to a refuge.

You could do that you know. Just walk out the door and walk in to a refuge, trusting in the knowldege that there is a system of sorts in place and it will protect you and even if it takes you 18 months to two years to get back on your feet it will happen. Start the process though.

Ok I don't know if you're going to manage to leave but please please whatever you do, don't have any more children with this wife beating, bullying, coward.

That will make it harder for you to escape his clutches.

Men like him don't change. You'll piss him off one day and then you will get it.

I doubt you will he with him for life because he will slip up again. So I believe every minute from now on that you are with him is a minute wasted of your life.

Could you retrain for a career then leave?

I think it's important to understand something pokingholes . YOur h can control his temper. He can. I bet he never loses it to the extent where he throws things around at work, or in the pub with his colleagues, or when he's socialising. I bet he doesn't throw groceries out of the trolley at sainsbury's if somebody cuts in in front of him.

No. He controls his temper. Which means when he roars and shouts and throws things around with you he is deliberately frightening you. He is giving you the impression that he has "lost control" to frighten you. That threat that you live with permanently keeps you at heel. The 'script' in your house will no doubt be that he is the boss. You say that 80% of the time he is nice to you. I bet that the twenty per cent of the time that he fakes losing his temper with you is when you attempt to get one of your own needs met!? A need that it is really important, because I bet I bet I bet you already sublimate 80% of your own needs, and only push something if it's really important! Because let's face it, one would have to want something a lot not just a little bit to weather the temper tantrum right!

And the benefits that they enjoy from the temper tantrums are real and quantifiable! If you ask him to help with something and he doesn't want to help and he reacts with a tantrum that is frightening and upsetting, then you will be trained to accept that it is easier to just do everything yourself and never ask for anything.

I can tell you from experience, when you have been successfully trained to never ask for anything, never complain, never admit that you have any needs at all, he still won't be happy. He'll shout at you if the batteries for the remote control run down. YOu can never prevent the aggression and anger from escalating, even if you slip in to put up and shut up mode.

it's never too late

he will do it again

if not this week or this year, but he will

I expect you have modified your behaviour to appease him

but add in the stress of more children, and off the cycle goes again

please wake up

womens aid

OP - Please leave. You can contact women's aid HERE.

It is never, EVER too late to leave an abusive relationship. If one of your children was in a relationship like yours, would you want them to stay in it?

Do as you would want your children to do - because at the end of the day, children seek out relationships which reflect their parents'.

You are probably thinking about this now exactly BECAUSE it's been a while since the last incident. When it's going on you probably shut down into survival mode.

Please contact women's aid, then get the passports, and go to a refuge.

You will NOT be destroying your children's lives. No child ever would want to learn later in life that their mother stayed in a physically abusive relationship because they seemed happy. Imagine the guilt they would feel.

I do not want to scare you, but there was recently a woman on here who was in a physically abusive relationship. She had children. She was young. She was probably a few years further down the line than you are now. Her partner had completely shattered every part of her, except for her love of her children. She found the strength to leave, but very sadly couldn't cope with what she had been through and is no longer with us.

Please don't let history repeat itself. Go now. Please.

Like the others say, it's never too late to leave.

When a trauma happens, we want so badly for it not to have happened that we cling to the next best thing - that it was insignificant. It didn't matter, it can be explained away, it didn't really count. This makes it harder to act (because that's admitting that it did happen, it does matter and it does count) and hard to stick by any actions you do immediately. (I overreacted, it's not fair, again it's more comfortable to go back to that mindset where it doesn't matter and it didn't count).

You are in a far stronger position when you decide to leave because you are simply unhappy or not 100% there. That's not so scary to look at and it develops over a long time. You'll be ok. Please stop thinking that it's too late, though :)

Do you ever 'need' a reason to leave a relationship?

And who is this reason for? You? Him? Your dc?

The truth is you can leave at any point.

Your story is so much like mine. No punching, 'just' shoving, throwing things and a bit of EA. The fact is he'd mellowed by the time I left, but I realised there was no relationship left. He'd destroyed it with his actions and whilst I didn't have dcs I didn't want any future children to think it was acceptable.

never. ever. too late.
As I have said here before, it took me 30 years - and mumsnet

Yes, yes, yes to Take's post. It is never too late to leave. Your relationship is not an equal one, based on mutual respect and care. It is Not Good Enough. That's the crux of it. He can say all the nasty, scary things he likes, but he will never be good enough. You are wasting precious, precious time with someone who treats you badly. A man who uses his physical strength to make you behave, and then tells you you're imagining it. If you have a son, do you want him to think that's ok? If you have a daughter, do you want her to think being bullied is a loving relationship? It's easy to say leave, and it must feel very hard to do. But you can. You can make plans and enquiries and gather your strength. You can imagine a time when you are relaxed and happy and pleasing yourself. An amazing father respects and cares for his child's mother. Please think about the life you could have.

absolutely second that. the truth is you can leave at any point for no reason other than you want to.

If you picture it in your head and he demands reasons as though he were the judge and you had to convince him to make a ruling allowing you to leave, then don't say it's because of the time you did x, y or z. They just turn it round and tell you what you did that 'pushed' them to do that, all of your flaws. If you say 'you have a temper' then they just instantly counter it with your 'failings'. So that line of exit is doomed.

Stick to things like

"i no longer want to be with you". "i am unhappy living with you". "this relationship isn't what I want". "i want to split up". "I know I would be happier on my own". "I do not love you."

It is harder for him to argue with those things. He sounds like my x and he probably WILL argue with them, but picture yourself repeating it like a dripping tap "this relationship is over".

Obviously those comments antagonise an abusive man more than 'the time you called me a fucking bitch was unacceptable because...." as it's a categoric assertive statement from you. Can you get a friend to be in the house with you when you tell him.

My dad was violent. First to my mother, and then to all my siblings (who were in their teens/early twenties). Never me, fortunately.

So not only can it escalate, it can spread to the children.

Get out now.

TurnOver, that's exactly how I feel. Exactly.
He makes me feel dramatic, and hysterical, and I totally feel like its crept up on me now.
Also I'm scared to call women's aid because believe it or h works in the field. Our local team might know him :( I was thinking about telling our friends or work or someone? I've been too scared to tell anyone in rl so far. Everyone loves him. I mean LOVES him. And so do I :( but I know that doesn't matter in these circa.

It's not too late.

80% of the time isn't enough. You deserve better and you can do this. Please don't let him make you second guess yourself with these pathetic denials of what happened. He is a coward. Can't even hold his hands up and admit what he did.

I know exactly how you feel OP. I was struggling with exact same thing. H hadn't assaulted me for 2 years. I was kind of waiting for the next assault to happen. He forced me to have sex (still can't say the R word) and bit me nearly three weeks ago. I've still got bruising. I still didn't leave, I didn't even really realise he'd abused me!!!! His ability to tie me in knots was so great i didnt realise!

I left last week. It was incident number 6. I wish I'd left at incident 1,2,3,4 or 5. I'm 9 years down the line. You can leave now. You don't need an 'excuse' of recent DV. Any DV & people understand. Not one person has asked me when or details. Just saying 'he has been violent' has meant people have just replied 'you have done the right thing'.